How to get the soft swing conversation started with my wife?

danc694u · 01-15-2002, 04:19 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Alura:
I'll second the motion on your reading, "Men are from Mars..." It's true we're equal, but we're also different. Besides, the book is fun!

Husband of Alura

I have to admit. When I first saw it (the book) I was thinking; "Damn, not another mind game book!" My ex was notorious for finding books that PROVED I was nothing more than a pervert, for even considering this lifestyle.

But, the book is a good read. I think we'll use that (read the book) as an answer. The next time someone ask how to ask LOL.

youngswingers · 01-15-2002, 08:04 PM

With all due defference to danc694u and Alura (and her equally wise husband) Liza's tone has been mistaken for her argument. The message to Sexhounddog is simply this: If you are not at a place with your partner where bringing up fantasies with out the fear of being coldly rejected (or worse ala danc694u's story) then that is where you need to start. We are constantly astounded by how many people on this board (not just single males) think that swinging is the easiest thing in the world... just post an ad and your desires will be lived out! They don't understand towards that end you have to do a lot of work talking, listening, compromising, colaborating, and experimenting. Alura's orginal response was in that vein but a little granular to get the point across. Sexhounddog- If you want to really want to get into this lifestyle you and your partner have to do the leg work first.

**TNT** · 01-15-2002, 09:01 PM

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", cool book...definitely worth the read.

But to the original poster's question...

Communication is definitely the key to everything...my husband and I had always shared sexual fantasies with each other, but had never talked about actually fulfilling them...hell...we didn't even know there was such a thing as the lifestyle.

One day he brought home a web site that a friend at work had given him (no the friend was not a swinger, he gave it to hubby as a joke).We didn't know what the site was about before we looked it up. It was a site for one of the local socials. The site was full of information about the lifestyle and had links to other sites. We both started reading and discussing things as we went. The more we read, the more we talked, until finally WE decided to check it out. The rest, as they say, is history...lol.

Click around on the computer together one night...go to some swinger sites and read together. Just simply ask your wife what she thinks about it. Be prepared for it to go either way...
1. She might say its interesting , but not her cup of tea.
2. She might hit you over the head and say how dare you pull something so preverted up on the computer.
OR...
3. She might pick up the ball and start running.

But what does it hurt to go to a site and say " Hunny, come here and check this out".

This seems to me a good way to bring the subject of swinging up, whether you are a man or woman. If it's a good site, you have all the information you need right in front of you and you are able to gauge your partners reaction to it.

Just my thoughts.

Teresa

P.S.
Danc, you are a pervert...lol...but, so are all the rest of us in here, and personally, I kinda like being one.

Cal69Cpl · 01-16-2002, 02:34 AM

While I agree with the comment that communication is the key, I think that it is too harsh to say that a hubby cannot come out here to ask other folk's opinion about how best to go about communicating with his wife in a given situation. Remember, the hubby is starting out in this... and most people here have already gone through, maybe similar situations. Is it really so wrong for the husband to ask your opinion? Sure it is hard for you to figure out what his wife thinks and how she might react, but maybe what the hubby wants to learn is your situation and how you dealt with it. Sure, that may or may not be helpful ultimately to him, but I think that is a far cry from judging him as not yet ready to get into swinging because he doesn't know his wife. I think no matter how close you are to a person, you still do not know her or him well enough to sometimes still wonder... especially for those of us who are "just starting out..."

Just my 2 cts worth...

Hubby of Cal69Cpl

stucazzu · 01-17-2002, 10:53 PM

Everyone seems to be missing the real point. Just because a man is hesitant bringing up a snesitive point does not mean that they do not have a good marriage or that he does not know his wife. The axiom here is actuallt quite simple. Most men are VERY different from women when it comes down to sex. That fact must always be taken into consideration when dealing with people on sex topics. It took me a long time in conversations (1,000's of them) to get my wife to agree to come to a swing club. Everyone moves at a different pace. And who wants to have a great idea shot down before you even get your "gun" out of the holster, so to speak. One of the things that really helped me when one time my wife and I were staying at a great Chicago downtown hotel and we noticed that there were windows close to our hotel where a person could she our bed. We went out for a great dinner and when we returned to our room, we started having sex on the king-sized bed and noticed that there were people watching us from the next hotel. The sex was really great! She was hotter than a mating rabbit in a Mexican jalapeno field. That lead us into the natural discussion of enjoyment of being watched and also watching.

youngswingers · 01-18-2002, 12:40 AM

Exactly stucazzu! You had many conversations and you guys had a discussion of your likes and dislikes which lead you both to look into the lifestyle. We're not attacking Sexhounddog. In fact, we think that the fact that he's doing this research is a great sign. But again, if you are just trying to figure out how to instigate this conversation, swinging isn't exactly around the corner.

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01-15-2002, 09:01 PM	#18 (permalink)
TNT Julie's Helper Join Date: Jul 2001 Posts: 4,195 Location: baker, fl, usa Status: couple SLS Name:tblonde312 Blog Entries: 31	"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", cool book...definitely worth the read. But to the original poster's question... Communication is definitely the key to everything...my husband and I had always shared sexual fantasies with each other, but had never talked about actually fulfilling them...hell...we didn't even know there was such a thing as the lifestyle. One day he brought home a web site that a friend at work had given him (no the friend was not a swinger, he gave it to hubby as a joke).We didn't know what the site was about before we looked it up. It was a site for one of the local socials. The site was full of information about the lifestyle and had links to other sites. We both started reading and discussing things as we went. The more we read, the more we talked, until finally WE decided to check it out. The rest, as they say, is history...lol. Click around on the computer together one night...go to some swinger sites and read together. Just simply ask your wife what she thinks about it. Be prepared for it to go either way... 1. She might say its interesting , but not her cup of tea. 2. She might hit you over the head and say how dare you pull something so preverted up on the computer. OR... 3. She might pick up the ball and start running. But what does it hurt to go to a site and say " Hunny, come here and check this out". This seems to me a good way to bring the subject of swinging up, whether you are a man or woman. If it's a good site, you have all the information you need right in front of you and you are able to gauge your partners reaction to it. Just my thoughts. Teresa P.S. Danc, you are a pervert...lol...but, so are all the rest of us in here, and personally, I kinda like being one. __________________ Ted and Teresa No lifetime is enough unless you live it in such a way as to make it enough.

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01-15-2002, 08:04 PM	#17 (permalink)
youngswingers Here to Stay Join Date: Jun 2001 Posts: 98 Location: Austin, TX	With all due defference to danc694u and Alura (and her equally wise husband) Liza's tone has been mistaken for her argument. The message to Sexhounddog is simply this: If you are not at a place with your partner where bringing up fantasies with out the fear of being coldly rejected (or worse ala danc694u's story) then that is where you need to start. We are constantly astounded by how many people on this board (not just single males) think that swinging is the easiest thing in the world... just post an ad and your desires will be lived out! They don't understand towards that end you have to do a lot of work talking, listening, compromising, colaborating, and experimenting. Alura's orginal response was in that vein but a little granular to get the point across. Sexhounddog- If you want to really want to get into this lifestyle you and your partner have to do the leg work first.

01-16-2002, 02:34 AM	#19 (permalink)
Cal69Cpl Registered User Join Date: Aug 2001 Posts: 1 Location: Orange County, CA, USA Status: Couple	While I agree with the comment that communication is the key, I think that it is too harsh to say that a hubby cannot come out here to ask other folk's opinion about how best to go about communicating with his wife in a given situation. Remember, the hubby is starting out in this... and most people here have already gone through, maybe similar situations. Is it really so wrong for the husband to ask your opinion? Sure it is hard for you to figure out what his wife thinks and how she might react, but maybe what the hubby wants to learn is your situation and how you dealt with it. Sure, that may or may not be helpful ultimately to him, but I think that is a far cry from judging him as not yet ready to get into swinging because he doesn't know his wife. I think no matter how close you are to a person, you still do not know her or him well enough to sometimes still wonder... especially for those of us who are "just starting out..." Just my 2 cts worth... Hubby of Cal69Cpl

01-17-2002, 10:53 PM	#20 (permalink)
stucazzu Here to Stay Join Date: Jan 2001 Posts: 10 Location: South Suburbs/Chicago, IL,USA	Everyone seems to be missing the real point. Just because a man is hesitant bringing up a snesitive point does not mean that they do not have a good marriage or that he does not know his wife. The axiom here is actuallt quite simple. Most men are VERY different from women when it comes down to sex. That fact must always be taken into consideration when dealing with people on sex topics. It took me a long time in conversations (1,000's of them) to get my wife to agree to come to a swing club. Everyone moves at a different pace. And who wants to have a great idea shot down before you even get your "gun" out of the holster, so to speak. One of the things that really helped me when one time my wife and I were staying at a great Chicago downtown hotel and we noticed that there were windows close to our hotel where a person could she our bed. We went out for a great dinner and when we returned to our room, we started having sex on the king-sized bed and noticed that there were people watching us from the next hotel. The sex was really great! She was hotter than a mating rabbit in a Mexican jalapeno field. That lead us into the natural discussion of enjoyment of being watched and also watching.

01-18-2002, 12:40 AM	#21 (permalink)
youngswingers Here to Stay Join Date: Jun 2001 Posts: 98 Location: Austin, TX	Exactly stucazzu! You had many conversations and you guys had a discussion of your likes and dislikes which lead you both to look into the lifestyle. We're not attacking Sexhounddog. In fact, we think that the fact that he's doing this research is a great sign. But again, if you are just trying to figure out how to instigate this conversation, swinging isn't exactly around the corner.