Information before Swinging?

[Elusive BiFem]

Ok, everyone...another curiosity here.

I got blown out of the water tonight in moderated chat. The topic was on the responsibilities of experienced swingers to newbies. I'm just a tad removed from newbie status, and would have no problem playing with a newbie couple. However, it came up...if I understood this correctly, that some couples enter into swinging without researching it in any way? TNT said something about some of them don't even know they can say, "NO!" All along, my assumption has been that even newbies, meaning inexperienced, to me, had some basic knowledge of swinging.

Now my ideas are along the line that any couple, in this day and age, should know some basics before their first venture into a club and/or attempting to establish a swinging relationship. Personally, I can't imagine a couple not investigating and studying this before making even the commitment to attend a club, much less making a play date. Have I totally missed the boat on this?

So! Questions:

1. Before your first club and/or play date experience, did you and your SO discuss swinging in any detail? Mind sharing some of the discussion material?

2. Before the club and/or play date, did you do any online research? Other type of research? Did you have a relatively accurate concept of what swinging was and what it was about?

3. Before the club, etc., did you establish your personal boundaries? (and yes, we know they change with experience, but did you have some boundaries established going in?

4. Did any of ya'll just walk into a club or social or other type of situation feeling totally unaware of what swinging was about?

5. Any other information you would care to share?

Thanks - EBF

[imsnowman]

Originally posted by Elusive BiFem
Ok, everyone...another curiosity here.

So! Questions:

1. Before your first club and/or play date experience, did you and your SO discuss swinging in any detail? Mind sharing some of the discussion material?

Yessir. Remember it like it was yesterday or maybe the day before. Divorce, seperation, etc...

2. Before the club and/or play date, did you do any online research? Other type of research? Did you have a relatively accurate concept of what swinging was and what it was about?

Yes, yes, yes, yes oh yeahhh....

3. Before the club, etc., did you establish your personal boundaries? (and yes, we know they change with experience, but did you have some boundaries established going in?

Absofrickinglutely. Gotta do that. And we stuck to 'em like glue.

4. Did any of ya'll just walk into a club or social or other type of situation feeling totally unaware of what swinging was about?

No way.. You outta your cotton peapickin mind????

5. Any other information you would care to share?
Thanks - EBF

Nope, ain't gonna say another word 'cept hi EBF. Man, is it good to have a real computer again

[Brit_Pair]

1. Yes.

We talked about our desires, fantasies and limitations. What we would do if we felt uncomfortable with what was happening, or if the other couple tried to take us further than we wanted to go.

2. Yes, quite a bit. Pity we didn't know about this site then though.

3. Definitely. It was probably the area that we discussed most, along with how exciting we wanted the experience to be.

4. No. That would have been ridiculously naive at best, disasterous at worst.

5. Nothing that comes to mind.

[Miss_Piggy]

Okay, here are my newbie answers.

1. We have discussed to certain extent what we want to get out of this as well as what our fantasies are. We've also talked about what swinging might do to our relationsip

2. As for research, I found this board. Kermit and I both read it and sometimes discuss the things that come us... very helpful indeed.

3. We have talked a bit about what our boundaries are but we don't know exactly what they are because we just aren't sure if those boundaries will be completely different once we get into a situation.

4. I wonder is I will ever walk into a club (no matter how much I know about them)... but of course I want to know as much as a I can before making any actual steps.

5. One other thing that came up in the chat was that people were reluctant to be with newbies because they don't know what they really want. This leaves me sort of confused because we don't know completely what we want. I just wonder how any newbies get started with. It seems like a bit of a catch 22. As a newbie you don't know exactly what you want or how you'll feel until you're in the situation. And anyone with any experience doesn't want to be with a newbie for the above mentioned reasons. I guess newbies will have to stick to newbies until they are oldies. I do agree with EBF though, I don't see how someone could get involved in something like this without finding out as much as possible beforehand. It's just plain silly.


~Piggy

[biblonde]

I missed out on the live chatt last night but geez there really are people who enter into this lifestyle without talking about boundries or doing any research???? And not knowing they can say NO! Please that is part of everyday life why wouldnt it be part of this lifestyle.... Are they NUTTS!!! We set boundries and talked for a couple months before even starting to look into the lifestyle. I cant believe anyone (with half a brain) would get into this without talking about rules or boundries or doing at least some research at all. Although we have never been to a club i can guarantee if we ever went, there would be rules set before ever entering it.

My personal opinion is if someone gets into this lifestyle that blind is ignorant! And well if you didnt think to even discuss or research it you have no business in it!! But really...I find it hard to believe that someone would be that stupid!!!! I dont do the dumb blonde thing to good!!!
(I can say that since i am blonde!!)

my 2 cents for today

[Amy and Mike]

Hi this is Amy. Now wait a minute, there was a live chat about this and we missed it? We didnt even know this site had a live chat. Im sure we would have had lots of questions to ask, but it seems from these posts that most experienced swingers agree that they wouldn't want to get together with inexperienced couples.

That was what we kind of figured, and the reason I posted the question to begin with. Well, I can understand why. I'm sure that for someone experienced, it's much more enjoyable to meet with people who are as completely comfortable as they are. As for us, its true that we really dont know exactly what we'd be comfortable with, especially me. I think it would completely depend on the people we were with and the situation. One thing we are doing is talking alot about it, which is fun and sure gets both of us turned on as an added bonus! Kind of fun to admit that here to a bunch of strangers.

Is there any record of what we missed so we can read up?

[biblonde]

They will post it soon. It will be on the thread that mentions the live chatt!!

We personally wouldnt mind newbies. No one really knows what to expect at first. Or what they will be comfy with and as time goes on that changes so....My problem would be with a couple who never even researched anything or sets boundries. Someone who just jumped into the lifestyle without even thinking about it. As for inexperianced ....no biggy...Hell we all had to start somewhere. We are the type that doesnt expect everyone to rush into this....pace isnt a big deal with us. If a couple wanted to move slow fine with us....We always stress to all we play with to move at the slowest persons pace and always say if you dont like something or dont feel comfy...We have never been into the clubing and parties. We like to get to know someone first. Not saying that those that go to clubs and parties are wrong that is just their style. Everyone has a different idea what they want out of this.

Amy and Mike....You are doing the right thing by talking about it. Always be open about your thoughts it helps alot!!! Find couples that are willing to go at your pace. I know when we started there were things that i didnt feel comfy with that now i do. It takes time to get used to the idea of another woman kissing and haveing sex with your hubby. Now not much bothers me...I really enjoy watching him now that i have gotten past the "this is a little weird to see" part. I was the one who brought up the subject and was really wanting to try it all...but at first was a little uncomfy with the reality of it. We had friends that went slow and let us go at our pace. We started with same room which let us know how we would feel with another couple then moved on to full swap and girl/girl which was what i was most interested in trying. The first woman i was with let me make all the first moves and she followed. It made the first time one of the best ever!!!!

all i can say is find a couple who is willing to go at your pace and makes you feel totally comfy!!!
best wishes....s

[Dani&Drew]

>>1. Before your first club and/or play date experience, did you and your SO discuss swinging in any detail? Mind sharing some of the discussion material?

We did just sort of jump into things, but at the time there was a great group that walked us through it here in Kzoo.

>>2. Before the club and/or play date, did you do any online research? Other type of research? Did you have a relatively accurate concept of what swinging was and what it was about?

We met them online, so hey

>>3. Before the club, etc., did you establish your personal boundaries? (and yes, we know they change with experience, but did you have some boundaries established going in?

Our only rule was to not do anything unfomfortable, and to leave when either of us decided to.

[BettyAnnMBSC]

Like many couples - we just fell into it as one of those "how the he11 did that happen?" events.

Our first experience was an MMF, the result of just cutting up one day with a friend. It started with a flash of the breasts and ended with a lot of fun.

Our next two experiences were very similar -- 1) FMF where a friend and I woke him up after I asked her "do you want on his lap or face" as a joke and she said "I'll take his face..." 2) an MFMF when the playmate from our first MMF brought his GF over and our experiences became the topic of conversation followed by fun...

In all three of those encounters -- "it just happened" -- we did talk about it afterwards and even established some basic rules. We didn't know it was "swinging" as such -- it was simply sharing with friends....

Each became regular forms of entertainment but never really as the purpose of getting together -- in that, I mean that while we each often found the bedroom, we rarely got together just to have sex.

It wasn't until about 2 years after we had gotten started that we realized there were "resources" for discussion. In the meantime, we learned about our own rules as we went along.

It was a long time before we actually went looking for a playmate. Even now, we most often prefer it to "just happen" and not to be the result of "looking for sex".

So, we didn't do any research because there wasn't (prior to the events) any expectation that they would occur. We did talk about our feelings after each -- and established some ground rules. Of course, since we weren't "looking for it" there was always the oppertunity to stop the action at any point.

I think that had we discussed it all prior and then set out to make it happen -- it never would have happened. We both would have chickened out. The way it began, it just happened.

[Priscilla2721]

Originally posted by Elusive BiFem

it came up...if I understood this correctly, that some couples enter into swinging without researching it in any way? TNT said something about some of them don't even know they can say, "NO!" All along, my assumption has been that even newbies, meaning inexperienced, to me, had some basic knowledge of swinging.

...1. Before your first club and/or play date experience, did you and your SO discuss swinging in any detail? Mind sharing some of the discussion material?...

5. Any other information you would care to share?

Thanks - EBF

We can't imagine stumbling into something as involved as swinging without some facts. As armchair psychologists we wanted to know the who/what/where/why and hows of the topic and where we fit in the overall scheme of things. That way our first and subsequent encounters were great experiences. The level of research people persue depends on their desire for knowledge in general. People research purchases; cars, consumer goods, vacation plans, etc., why not subjective issues? Typing in "Human Sexuality" and hitting the search button yeilds enough info to persue a doctorate.

Here are a few of our saved links:
Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality
Society for Human Sexuality
The Swinging Life

And a VERY cool image bank of various charts on anatomy, behaviour, surveys, etc.:
Human Sexuality Image Bank

Our opinion on newbie advice: First do some research so you know why you want /feel/act the way you do. If you discuss it with your SO you won't start out with emotional baggage. That way a lot of the general questions are answered so you can get to specific questions about the local/regional lifestyles.

For what it's worth.
Bob & Annie

Ipsa scientia potestas est.
Knowledge itself is power.

[JustAskJulie]

I'm sure it's true for many that things just happen and they find themselves swinging with the next door neighbors or with good firends, often before they even know what the term swinging is.

[hmr]

Well I really feel like we've been taken to task over this issue after Thursday nights Moderated chat.I wanted to take my time and think though this answer before posting, but here it is.

Originally posted by Elusive BiFem

So! Questions:

1. Before your first club and/or play date experience, did you and your SO discuss swinging in any detail? Mind sharing some of the discussion material?

Yes, we did discuss this between ourselves. It all started with a dream on the mrs. part. In the summer our children go to camp for a week, during this time we usually take a few days to "run away" for some time alone.
We had watched an episode of " sex in the city" that night. The next morning, the mrs. told me she had a dream about her, myself and Chris Noth( Mr. Big) having a threesome. It definitely got our juices flowing.
Well ,that led to a lot of discussion on the merits of " swinging" , although we did not know the term at the time. We also did not know any way to find resources or know that there was such a thing as organized swinging.
Now, not knowing that any thing like this existed, how were we to know to find it? I was even a reader of "Penthouse letters" which discusses many of the aspects of swinging, But never said anything about swingers groups.
So, we decided to try to find a third for a MMF playdate. The only way we new to do this was to see if we could pick up someone in a club who may be interested.We agreed that nothing was to be done without the other being present and we would each be there to protect the other. Besides that we really knew none of the questions to answer, never mind to ask and discuss.
Now, does this make us foolsand/or ignorant? Fine if it does, because we were comfortable with it and had each other for backup.In fact after being on this board and seeing the way some people won't play with newbies and some newbies get flamed, had we done all this research, I'm not sure if we would be swinging at all yet.
It seems that a lot of the discussions here are about the problems people have in swinging instead of the good things pertaining to it.

2. Before the club and/or play date, did you do any online research? Other type of research? Did you have a relatively accurate concept of what swinging was and what it was about?

Only after the above experience did we find some of the old style swinging mags and even looked at ads in porn bookstores to find others. This did lead to us finding one ad site on the net which only ( at first ) added to the confusion instead of answering questions. Fortunately, we did find a phone number of someone in the area who was very open and supportive and helped to answer SOME of the questions we had. Again, though, we did not know all the questions to ask.
They did tell us of a swing party held at one of the local hotels which we did attend. We had absolutely no idea what to expect when we got there. Now we did have some relatively freindly people who spoke with us there, however , we ended up with some "sharks" for lack of a better term. Not until we got in to a room with them did we realize he was impotent and she was very bi.
Not having discussed this possibility at all, we did NOT know to stop there. We were also hell bent to try out swinging, so like a lot of others we have met since, we went places we were not ready for. It was during this that the mrs. ended up with a womans head between her legs. Her eyes had been closed. When they opened she kind of freaked, but , not understanding the swinging etiquette, she kind of went along.
Was it a mistake? Sure it was. In fact, because of this we backed out of swinging for 2 years. It was only after we got the confidence that we will control things that we got back in to the lifestyle.

3. Before the club, etc., did you establish your personal boundaries? (and yes, we know they change with experience, but did you have some boundaries established going in?

As you can see above they were only very limited boundaries because there were some things we were not expecting. By the time we got back in , yes they were fully established.

4. Did any of ya'll just walk into a club or social or other type of situation feeling totally unaware of what swinging was about?

See above. Also, we did go to a carolina friends party at a "gentlemans club" with no real idea as to how it worked.

Any other Information you would care to share?

Yes. Are we "guilty" of going in blind. I guess you could say we did. However there is a lot to be said for not overanalyzing things to the point of not doing anything. In the navy we called it analysis paralysis- you analyze so much, you never do anything. I read some posts in here and IM some new people who seem to be wanting to try, but have been cautioned so much, they are never going to take the "plunge".
Read BettAnnMBSC's post

I think had we discussed it prior and set out to make it happen--it never would have happened.We would have chickened out.The way it began it just happened

This is exactly my point. After the 11/13 chat iWe spoke with another couple who has been on this board for some time. They seem to be stuck in the discussion phase forever. If we had talked all aspects of it to death or even found this board first I think we still would just be talking.
So my point is, for the newbies here, go for it. Will you have some experiences that are not perfect? YES. Can you like we did , turn it into some of the best learning experiences? Definitely yes. Were it not for the ones that got us to ask questions we would not be as comfortable now as we are.
Just like in life, all things are not going to go as planned. Now , you can either plan your life to death and never DO anything but plan, or you can experience things as they are and go on from there. Were it not for me being willing to "plunge in " when I do not have all the answers, I would not now be in my 8th year of owning my own business.
Sorry so long, but that is my best explaination.

Mr hmr

[yawanna]

hmr....thank you for sharing all that

I did a lot of online research about swinging and the questions and concerns and what to discuss with my partner ad naurseum..and ultimately I one night said to him.. let's go to this swinger club. We jumped in the car and went.

Sometimes,, you just gotta jump in and see what's what

[Vjklander]

1. Before your first club and/or play date experience, did you and your SO discuss swinging in any detail? Mind sharing some of the discussion material?

Not much detail, more of a "let's go and see what it is all about"

2. Before the club and/or play date, did you do any online research? Other type of research? Did you have a relatively accurate concept of what swinging was and what it was about?

Had a bit of an idea, but back in those days real info was hard to find.

3. Before the club, etc., did you establish your personal boundaries? (and yes, we know they change with experience, but did you have some boundaries established going in?

About the only one we had was using condoms, other than that not much.

4. Did any of ya'll just walk into a club or social or other type of situation feeling totally unaware of what swinging was about?

Yes to the first part and kinda to the second

5. Any other information you would care to share?

Buy a hottub, saves a lot of money in the long run.

J

[hmr]

And a great big thanks to those who fix QUOTES in the ether world
Mr. hmr