How to discuss taking swinging from fantasy to reality?

[Mmmm...inNC]

My wife and I have been married for 23 years ( married at 19). We have an honest and wonderful relationship. Other than in bed during the heat of passion and several experiences many years ago, my wife seems to be satisfied with just the two of us. For her the idea of one or more partners seems only to be fantasized about in bed. I, on the other hand have always been interested in making it a reality though am having trouble bringing up the topic, as I am worried that a conversation about swinging could have the opposite effect and make her upset. I have been hoping she would bring up the topic. Can anyone relate their story of how swinging became a topic of discussion within the couple and especially if the other partner was playing it cool? I have been checking online for ideas and answers and possibly support for my interests, do you think this is unethical without discussing with her first?

Mmmm?

[invictus]

Nothing "unethical" about doing research, but definitly wrong to proceed unless both of you want to do so.

We were approached by another couple which brought up the topic to us for the first time. It was a couple of years later before we actually did anything. One of the reoccuring conversations in that time period was when we would occasionally watch a XXX video. Both of us would say "what do you think of that?" or "Do you like that?" or "Would you like that?".

Might be an ice breaker to a real conversation.....

[watcherone]

I will probably catch alot of flak for how I got into mfm swinging but it worked for us. After being married for 25 years, i knew from past conversations with my wife that she was curios about how it would feel being with another man. She had shown an interest in a couple of our male friends, so one night when one of them visited overnight, I just asked her if she wanted to go into his room and jump into bed with him. She first thought I was kidding but after she saw I was serious, she got up the nerve and did it. I guess I pushed her into it but I knew she wanted to but was just scared to try. After that first time, she had no trouble just saying what she felt towards a guy and the rest just came natural. She never once regretted doing it and we have had many great threesomes since.

[Stratecpl]

Watcherone,

You certainly won't catch any flak from me...it sounds like it was very exciting. I think we all agree that communicating with our spouse is the number one most important part of starting something like this. That excitement and intensity is very difficult to imagine if you've never done it!

Mmmm...inNC,

I am the one who initially brought it up here in our situation. We would be in the middle of some hot sex together and I'd ask her what she would think if someone else was watching. After awhile, I began to ask her how she would feel if some other man was doing her with me helping. Of course there was lots of disbelief for awhile, but after months of this, she asked me if I was serious. Well, of course I was or I wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place...

Just so happens I had some good friends I hadn't seen in a long time, and figured they might want to give it a go. We began to correspond with them, and I boldly asked if they might be interested in playing. They promptly bought round-trip airline tickets and flew up for several days! At first we were a bit hesitant, but once things got to moving it was the absolute hottest 3 days we ever spent!!!

Since then, there's been no turning back. We always discuss everything together, whether it's a fear or a whim. The sex together just gets better and better, all the time, too. And we have no regrets whatsoever. Hope this helps!!

Ron, Husband of Stratecpl

[jimcat]

[quote]Originally posted by Mmmm...inNC:
[QB] the idea of one or more partners seems only to be fantasized about in bed. I, on the other hand have always been interested in making it a reality though am having trouble bringing up the topic, as I am worried that a conversation about swinging could have the opposite effect and make her upset. I have been hoping she would bring up the topic. Can anyone relate their story of how swinging became a topic of discussion within the couple and especially if the other partner was playing it cool?

mmm inNC
I fantasized about swapping for 5 yrs or more before I got up the nerve to talk to my wife. We had been married 20+ years also and although the sex had always been great it was becoming routine. It was another 6 months before she agreed to try a swingers club and another 18 months before she agreed to anything beyond soft swinging. It continues to be exciting as we explore new and different sexual partners. I find it very liberating as I can now be completely honest to her about my feelings- I think we guys are many times of the opinion if we reveal what we really want no woman could possibly be interested. I just decided that total honesty was the only way to do it right.I would parallel the experience of when all wives ask "do you find her attractive"? I would say in the past no.Later on I started saying yes. Now I say yes I would like to swing with her but your attractive too and the one I love.

Its not when or where but how you tell her.
Be sure to let her know that sex and love are too seperate issues for you and you can keep the two in perspective.

[Mmmm...inNC]

Invictus ? Yes, it seems apropo to check in on her feelings on the subject while watching a movie and the watching part turns her on. I have tried hints at this time she just hasn't bitten at these "opportunities" I had a few emails with someone who swings with the same type of questions and was advised that I should discuss it while not involved in sexual activities, I may have taken that too literal. I appreciate the reinforcement to not do anything on my own. I have a difficult time imagining not including her and in fact would like to just watch her get pleasure if nothing else.

Jimcat - I agree with you: that can sex being different than love, my wife once replied in disbelief of the idea.

Other posts - sound encouraging, I am looking forward to the next step.

thanks!

Mmmm...

[LIZA]

Mmmmm-

It's probably not unethical to discuss swinging behind her back. But it is pretty pointless to go very far with your investigations until you determine if she is going to want to participate or not!

I know I say this over and over, but if you have known the woman 20 years, cant you just ask her??

[Mmmm...inNC]

Liza,
She has been my best friend and confidant for 25 years, and I feel like the idea of swinging is so different from how we are involved with people now and that it is a dramatic change. Also I guess I may be dealing with my ideas about her perception of the lack of social acceptability of swinging. I can only imagine that if we participate we will want to keep it a ?closet thing?.

Mmmm?

[Alura]

Hey, Liza!

We tried to answer your e-mail but it came back with a notation that your box is full. How'd they know that? No wonder you're not reading your e-mail!

Alura

[Mmmm...inNC]

Liza,
Would you tell me about your initiation to the idea of swinging?

[Alura]

Hey, Mmmm,

This is always a difficult question and it gets asked a lot. We never want to upset our spouse and always think they might "get the wrong idea" or be hurt just by the fact that we asked the question. That's always a chance you'll have to take, especially when it's a question y'all have never discussed before. So you have to make the decision of whether or not to ask. Is it likely she'll divorce you just because you asked? Probably not, after twenty years.

Here's what we suggest: Sometime when it is quiet, the kids are out of the house, and maybe y'all are cuddling on the couch, say, "Tell me, Darling, How do you feel about swinging?"

If she says, "I've heard some couples do that," you'll know she's at least thought about it and is willing to talk.

If she says, "Oh, it's a lot of fun! Do you remember when we used to take the kids to the park when they were young?" you may have to say, "No, I've heard there are couples who switch partners with other couples and have sex, just for fun. You remember? Like in college? When we were hippies? It wasn't making love, it was just sex for fun. What do you think of couples who do that"

Anyway, you get the idea... The only way to ask is to ask, but don't ask a "yes" or "no" question. Ask for an opinion she'll have to think about and discuss. If she gets really pissed, have forty bucks or so ready for a dozen roses the next day.

But don't be surprized if she brings the subject up the next time.

Alura

[Mmmm...inNC]

Alura,
The "don't ask a yes or no question" is a gem, thanks!

[LIZA]

Alura-

Some idiot sent me 711 letters yesterday telling me how I could make $3000 a month working from home! So I just deleted them all.

Hmmm.......my initiation in swinging. Well when I was married to my first husband I had 2 girlfriends who were both part of swinging couples. They told me a lot about their experiences and it always sounded very interesting to me. BUT my first husband was not the right person to try it with and I never even brought it up. I think with him it would have been a bad experience.
So after we were divorced and I started dating Matt we discussed a LOT of different sexual things....I mean we covered almost every possible scenario and desire in about a month's time. Swing clubs were something that intrigued us both, so I started doing a lot of investigating and found the ones in So. Cal. and about 6 monthes later we tried one. First time (first 4 or 5 times!) were ok, there was jealousy, I was nervous, I felt fat, etc etc. But it got easier and more fun. Now I hate to say it but it's almost ho-hum, look honey, more sex!

I guess because my relationship was so open so early on about sex it is just hard for me to grasp how a couple can be married 20+ years and not know each other well enough to know the others view on just about every subject under the sun!

[lookin-4-sum]

how we got started was, one day we were watching a adult movie that had a swinging scene in it, we both talked about how much fn it looked and if we could watch each other with somebody different, well after months of talking about it, we had a ffm threesome it was great for everybody and we just slowly worked our way up from there/
but like i said we talked to each other about it alot/ you have got to be able to sit down and talk about things to make this work,

[Mmmm...inNC]

Liza, There are some things that have been left out of my initial post for the sake of being concise, however as the dialogue and especially yours questioning 20 years of being open and honest are brought up, so have my thoughts on some of the experiences we did share and why the swinging aspect did not move forward before ( I had mentioned that there was some experience with more than the two of us, small as it may be). You are right twenty years of a good relationship should allow for this to be an easy discussion. My problem has been that I do want to be sucessful and have not developed much tactfulness for asking the big question, you guys are helping me on that.

Thanks again everyone, I believe the board has been successful in answering my questions. I like what I see here at the Swingers Board, and hope that I can contribute sometime.

Mmmm...