Wanting to bring up the subject to my wife - worried about the negatives of doing so

[JustDave]

Hi, this is my first post to the board but been reading the board for awhile. I've been reading it because I was considering bringing the idea up of swinging to my wife and I've been looking for advice and insight from others. First some background. I'm 51 and the wife is 48. We've been married 28 years with 2 grown kids. We have a happy and loving relationship. We have a great sex life. It's not as intense as it used to be but its still pretty damn good after 28 years. We are both pretty conservative. I'm the less conservative of the two. The reason I was considering bringing up swinging is to keep things fresh and maybe experience some variety for the both of us. My wife has told me that I keep our sex life interestng because I bring new ideas sexually to our relationship. But, swinging is at a totally different level. Even people in the lifestyle must admit that, its not mainstream. So, thats my concern. I read much of the positives of swinging on this board but I'm wondering how much negatives it has caused in relationships? I'm wondering if even bringing up the topic has caused problems in relationships? I know communcation is key and my wife and I have great communication but I'm still concerned that even just bringing up the topic itself could be too much for her to handle. Any insight from the experienced and the not so experienced would be helpful and appreciated.

[carlos_pchot]

Hello there, and glad to you see you decided to stop lurking
I think your thoughts are pretty much normal to everyone that ever wanted to share the idea of swinging with their couple, so suggestions:
Try to give her a pretty good idea of the lifestyle without trying to say that you're going to jump right into it, read the forums, the threads with her, like: Look, I found this site, it's looks cool and would like you to read it with me, but don't pressure it, and see where it takes you, remember always, that you only can do with her and she really wants, I think you have enough time to being open with each other, but that doesn't mean that she's really opened into her fantasies and dreams, especially if she's conservative as you say she is.
Keep it up and take it easy! it's not something you want to rush into it.
Take care
Carlos

[flkeyscouple]

First, to participating on the board!! It's great that you decided to jump in to the posting!

Do you are your wife discuss fantasies? Maybe even while having sex? If so, do any of the fantasies include other people or more than one extra person? I don't mean her having a fantasy of being with Brad Pitt, but I mean her having the fantasy of being with you and another man, or being with a woman. If so, and those are the fantasies that she is contributing to the discussion, you probably have it made.

If not - and discussing fantasies is normal for you - why don't you test the waters by discussing a fantasy of another couple. If you are not in the habit of telling each other your fantasies, you might start by simply doing that - you tell her one, she tells you one.

If you've done the whole fantasy thing, then why not invite her to read this board. Even this thread. Your OP shows that you are worried about her feelings and it would show her that she is more important than the result of the discussion of swinging.

Good luck! And please, keep us informed. It's great to have another lurker being a poster!!

Sarah

[JustDave]

I've gotten good suggestions already. Thanks a bunch.

My wife and I watch adult (XXX) movies from time to time so I was wondering if anyone could suggest an adult movie that has a swinging theme to it? This might be a good way to initiate some harmless conversation on the topic. It might give me a feel for if she would be open to it or wouldn't even consider it. Some of you might be thinking why don't I just bring the topic up instead of beating around the bush. On most topics thats exactly what we do but this can be a very sensitive subject as many of you probably already know. So, I'm treading lightly.

[Ron2007]

Shane's World 35: Swingers. Although my wife and I had been discussing going to some Clubs etc. this movie was just the push that we needed to take those discussions to our next and final level. Because of the crush of the Holiday's and then bouts with the flu we have not attended yet; but we are very active in planning a trip in the next two weeks.

Hope this helps! And read as much as you can right here on this board. There is a wealth of info and help to be had!

[JustDave]

Originally Posted by Ron2007

Shane's World 35: Swingers. Although my wife and I had been discussing going to some Clubs etc. this movie was just the push that we needed to take those discussions to our next and final level. Because of the crush of the Holiday's and then bouts with the flu we have not attended yet; but we are very active in planning a trip in the next two weeks.

Hope this helps! And read as much as you can right here on this board. There is a wealth of info and help to be had!

Ron, thanks! I read the summary about Shane's World 35: Swingers and it looks like a pretty good place to start.

If anyone else has any insight to my original post I would appreciate any and all responses.

[BradAndJanet]

To answer your two questions...yes and yes. I'm sure that swinging has caused bad relationships to get worse and clumsily bringing it up in conversation has likely sparked a fight or two.

However, if you have a relationship with good communication and if you bringing it up in an oblique, no-pressure sort of way ("What do you think about swinging?" vs. "Hey, hon, let's go down to the local swing club tonight!") I think you'll be OK.

Slowly, slowly. Talk first. Let her know why you want to do this (for her) and that you want to do it together. Bring her here to read for herself. We'll be glad to help you both out.

-B

[intuition897]

I answered this one on Yahoo Answers just a bit ago. I'm too lazy to write it again, so here's the link. Mine is the really long-winded answer.

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by JustDave

I've gotten good suggestions already. Thanks a bunch.

My wife and I watch adult (XXX) movies from time to time so I was wondering if anyone could suggest an adult movie that has a swinging theme to it? This might be a good way to initiate some harmless conversation on the topic. It might give me a feel for if she would be open to it or wouldn't even consider it. Some of you might be thinking why don't I just bring the topic up instead of beating around the bush. On most topics thats exactly what we do but this can be a very sensitive subject as many of you probably already know. So, I'm treading lightly.

I'll advice you against looking for adult movies to introduce the swinging idea. The porn industry goal is (osbviously) to make money, and it doesn't involve to educate people if that goes against the business. So they portrait swinging from the sexual arousal perspective, playing with the fantasies from the mainstream (and almos exclusivelly, the males).

I'd rather suggest you to invite her to read the forum "to find out themes to spice up your sex life", much like when you see a movie togheter, but knowing what you'll find here reflects real people's experiences. A good catch would be that this would allow her to find ideas on her own to "surprise" you, and viceversa, as to invite her to read the board at her oen peace, allowing her to digest the information without being "distorted" by your oppinions.

Luckily, she would be able to notice the high moral standards most swingers have and stand for within the lifestyle, how we care of each other's problems of many sort (i.e. sexual, emotional, etc) having this very forum as a solid proof, and the value of openly discussing the idea even if you two were not planning to swing.

[iapr]

I will also strongly advise against looking to XXX for info and insight into swinging. We used to watch quite a bit of XXX before we got into the lifestyle and almost all of it was 'SUPPOSEDLY' amatuer and homemade and while a few of them truly were most of it was hollywood stuff with hardbodies, boobjobs, 10" schlongs and more sixpacks than a NASCAR convention. It is one of the worst ways to learn about swinging I can think of with the possible exception of a church sermon on monogamy.

By all means watch porn for it's own tittilation value but do not look at is as educational by any means.

[intuition897]

Mr. intuition and I don't watch a great deal of porn anymore (funny, but it somehow becomes...I dunno...almost boring?) so I can't suggest any specific titles. But I have to disagree somewhat with sereneiders and iapr. I appreciate what they're saying and agree that as far as giving viewers the skinny on what "real" swinging is about, it compares to asking a pedophile for child care tips. NOT exactly a good source. But as a catalyst, something to spark the conversation and fire up the imagination (taken with a grain of salt, of course), I think it would work very well. Or find someone who has taped Oprah's infamous swingers episode. It only aired, like, 3 times or something! Surely to God someone out there taped it. It presented it fairly and respectfully. There's no shortage of ways to bring it up. What about that conversation you overheard your co-workers engaged in? Sounds like Larry and his wife are up to something funny. Hmmm...what do you think of that, hon? No need to be sneaky or anything; you're just interested in what she thinks about it.

[lovinher]

Only you know what your wife will tolerate on the subject. I'd suggest going slow, very slow. Try to get her to talk about fantasies. Ask about hers, even ones that could or never would happen. This how we, and I think most people get to talking about it.

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by intuition897

But as a catalyst, something to spark the conversation and fire up the imagination (taken with a grain of salt, of course), I think it would work very well.

Indeed. I am not against porn. The arousal of watching, let say, an MFM scene could spark the conversation and fire up the imagination, however the movies portraying themselves as "showing the (perhaps amateur) swinger world" hardly would be a fair portrait for the lifestyle.

So, bringing that MFM movie home to explore the fantasies it could awake is fine, claiming those folks on the screen are swingers (at least when on the screen) could be a mistake able to undermine any chance of considering swinging seriously.

[iapr]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Mr. intuition and I don't watch a great deal of porn anymore (funny, but it somehow becomes...I dunno...almost boring?) so I can't suggest any specific titles. But I have to disagree somewhat with sereneiders and iapr. I appreciate what they're saying and agree that as far as giving viewers the skinny on what "real" swinging is about, it compares to asking a pedophile for child care tips. NOT exactly a good source. But as a catalyst, something to spark the conversation and fire up the imagination (taken with a grain of salt, of course), I think it would work very well. Or find someone who has taped Oprah's infamous swingers episode. It only aired, like, 3 times or something! Surely to God someone out there taped it. It presented it fairly and respectfully. There's no shortage of ways to bring it up. What about that conversation you overheard your co-workers engaged in? Sounds like Larry and his wife are up to something funny. Hmmm...what do you think of that, hon? No need to be sneaky or anything; you're just interested in what she thinks about it.

I would agree with this. My tirad against porn isn't that it is bad (well ok 95% of it sucks but that 5% is awesome) but rather that it is not a legitimate place to learn what swinging is about. It is a legitimate form of adult entertainment if that is what you two like and it is a fine augmentation to your sex life if it helps spark the mood. And I do agree that it can be a good way to get some conversations going. So for those reasons head on down to the video store and have at it and enjoy it to it's fullest.

I do stand by my assertion though that the vast vast vast vast majority of it does not potray a realistic sense of what swinging is and is not a valid educational source for swinger information.

[TNT]

Although the majority of porn is not a true representation of what swinging is about...Nina Hartley's Guide To Swinging is a GREAT DVD for newbies to watch together.

She takes you step-by-step through just about every thing that we discuss here...answering questions like; How do we find people to play with? What about jealousy? ....and so on. It's not your typical porn movie although there are a few scenes of sexual acts.

It might not be something that you would want to pop into the DVD player before ANY discussion was brought up but, it's sure worth watching to get information and open up discussion more.

We highly recommend it for newbies to watch. You can find it here
.

Teresa