Telling my wife I want to see her with another man

[mincup]

How do you all fee about this, Happy marriage, Im perfectly confident, I would never cheat on her, and I tell her one of my fantasies is to see her wilth another man, I would have to be there of course, she is reluctant to do it which i can respect, However does anyone have any tips to help this fantasy be more confortable for her.

[WesternSwing]

Welcome mincup. There is a good passage on this in the FAQ section titled "How do I convince my partner to swing?"

Basically, it has to be something that is appealing to both of you. You can't make someone swing. They have to want to swing. There are many issues why some may not want to: jealousy, feeling dirty about having sex with others, worrying about what you'll think of her afterward, worrying about why you would want her to, and many other fears or concerns.

The best thing to do is just talk to her about it. Maybe invite her to read this board on her own. I say this because I know virtually nobody likes having somebody looking over their shoulder, and her doing it alone will allow her to read what she needs to, not just what you want her to.

That will open-up the line of conversation. Whether or not she ever actually wants to pursue it further is her choice, but at least you will have discussed it fully and will know where each other is coming from.

Mr. WS

[mincup]

Thank you for the advice. I will read the FAQ, Sorry im sure this topic has been covered a hundred times. I would want her to enjoy it if it wasn't enjoyable for here it would be no fun. We have talked about it quite a bit. She seems almost there but everthing you said is true about how she would feel, most the I would feel dirty part.

Thanks for your reply

[mincup]

Wow Western as i said I am new to this site and as a read more and more posts my fantasy is like super common kinda suprised. of course this is a swinger site.

[swing52001]

It is more common than we can all imagine mincup. I have chatted with many, many men who have the same fantasy, myself included. Sorry there isn't a manual.... I'd be the first subscriber. But like the tortoise and the hare....slow and steady wins the race. If you don't swing, you'll still win 'cause your relationship will be that much stronger because of communication.
Keep on,keepin on.

[mincup]

Cool thanks...

[Mike and Jan]

As you're finding out, there are a lot of men and women who enjoy watching their spouse with someone elese.

I think that, if she's interested in doing it, that once she realizes this and knows it's your fantasy and that you'll really enjoy it too that she'll feel more comfortable giving it serious consideration.

I only suggest that you find someone that you're both very comfortable with. (The search can be a long one and will be a real part of the fun.) Then go very, very slowly getting comfortable with each little flirting step.

[mincup]

Gotch ya!! I know it will be a slow road but its been fun so far so.... I will be patient...

[mollyandchris]

If shes not comflable with it then you really have to sit down and talk about it a lot, the last thing you want is to put yourselves in a situation which you both end up regreting.

Molly & Chris xx

[SableOnBlond]

Hi there. Well, in my case, five months went by between the time my boyfriend and I first talked about a MFM threesome and when it actually happened. We were talking about our fantasies and when he told me sharing me with another man was one of his, I was excited beyond belief - but it took me awhile to get used to the idea of something like that actually happening. It was my fantasy too, but never in a million years would I have thought it was one of my boyfriend's.

So it's good that you've talked about it, and you're right, she is just going to have to go at her own pace. If it is something that she really wants to do then she'll definetly do a lot of thinking about it, and let you know when she's ready to get serious. Good luck

[mincup]

Thats funny that you say that, Because when We talk about it she kinda almost has a twinkle in her eye that deep down she would really love to do it, but i think her morals get in the way. As I stated though she has said a few things that make me think she would love to do it. The idea is firmly planted in her head though, so. I know she is trying to get past her morals with it. She has been talking about this one guy latley kinda teasing me a bit... So I think were headed in the right direction. The first guy would definately be one the she would have to kinda have a lust for she said. So I won't get much choice in the matter but thats cool right. I mean she is the one that is going to be with him not me so it;s all good.

[intuition897]

mincup, I'd also suggest doing a search (search feature, toolbar at the top) on religion/religious guilt, morality, etc. This is an extremely common stumbling block for many people. It IS something that everyone must make peace with if they want to do this in a healthy way. I don't know much about it, but I can imagine that Catholicism is very...um...stringent in its standards for moral decency. I wasn't raised Catholic, but I was definitley raised Christian. I have made my peace with it and truly believe that what my husband and I do/think/feel is not offensive to God. It has, however, required much "deprogramming". And the trouble with that is that many people say that one must contort the scriptures to get to the meaning that I'm talking about. I say the same of them.

It all just comes down to what you believe. There are some absolutes in this world, and they orbit around the Golden Rule. Being a positive force in the world is always better than being a negative one, no matter to what degree. Beyond this, it's just the individual's interpretation of reality.

I would move very slowly and cautiously, if I were either of you two. I've noticed that whenever someone is reluctant, it is because they sense somewhere deep inside that they are unready for it. This is along the lines of the "gut instinct" thing, and it should absolutely be heeded. I have a hunch that your wife may still be struggling with separating love and sex. If she feels she "needs a connection" with someone, watch that she's not equating sex with lovemaking. It's not a throttle kind of mechanism, where you need to control how much you feel for the other person (and those who get carried away and really "connect" end up falling in love); it's more of an on/off switch. It's apples and oranges. Square pegs and round holes. If you're doing it right, the risk of falling in love with your swing partner is very minute. Minute enough that you barely think of it.

Hope this helps.

[mincup]

Yeah it does, very good feedback. We are catholic by the way however not practicing. Your information if very usefull. Do you think I would need to worry about her farlling in love. I mean I'm perfectly comfortable with it, but from what I have told you she said does it sound like there is risk there. I mean I wouldn't think so because we have such a great marriage. But I would be interested in your input on it.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by mincup

Yeah it does, very good feedback. We are catholic by the way however not practicing. Your information if very usefull. Do you think I would need to worry about her farlling in love. I mean I'm perfectly comfortable with it, but from what I have told you she said does it sound like there is risk there. I mean I wouldn't think so because we have such a great marriage. But I would be interested in your input on it.

It's a funny thing that I've learned: problems related to love are only problems if you allow them to be. When someone feels slighted by someone else's actions, when that other person had no intention of ever harming him, then the injury is merely a figment of the "victim's" imagination. If you are comfortable with her being in love with other people too, then that's fine. The only question that remains is whether SHE feels it's okay. Some people may want to live this way, but feel it is morally wrong to do so. Have you and your wife discussed polyamory as a possibility?

You two can make up whatever rules you want for your marriage. It belongs to you, and no one else. So be brave and take a chance! MAKE your marriage into something that makes sense for the two of you, and if it doesn't harm either of you in any way, and it doesn't degrade the marriage, then I can't see why God would be upset about that. My feeling is that the work we have done, all the colouring outside the lines we did, has made our marriage stronger, deeper and more meaningful. This honours God, and is a closer definition of a holy marriage than any of the cookie cutter crap the church can come up with.

Sort of like the parable of the talents. The master of the house entrusts various amounts of money (the talents) to his servants to invest. One servant invests the money wisely, and doubles it. The master, upon returning, is pleased and rewards his servant by entrusting him with more responsibility. Another servant, however, buried his share in the ground. When the master returned, the servant returned the money, penny for penny, exactly as it was given to him. The master took away the money (and the responsibility) and gave it to the servant who had invested his share wisely. Marriage = the money that is entrusted to us, the servants. When we prove that we are able to manage what we are given wisely and responsibly, we are not punished for it, but rather rewarded.

Please understand that this is merely my personal opinion. It works for me, but may not be right for others.

[mincup]

Honestly, I'm not very interested in other women, I mean I wouldn't object but she would be more open to my fantasy which is seeing her with another man. Her seeing me with anohter women is not very much of an interest of miine nor hers. So I think it would need to be a pure just fucking thing.