Friend trying to talk to her husband about swinging

[dragonblade]

Ok, so here's the background. My husband and I have had experience with swinging for a while, and when we were in Alaska, I talked with my best friend about it. She was not very interested but, she, as my best friend listened and was interested in my take and what happened with us, just not interested for herself.

Now we're in Louisiana, and her and her hubby are in Utah. She has admitted to having fantasies about other women, and swinging with myself and my husband. Her husband seems to be a jealous type, and she doesn't know how to discuss things (even with them in general, not with us necessarily) with him about this topic. She finally admitted to him that she thinks she might be bi, and he says that turns him on, but when they were discussing it he made the comment "You can be with another woman, but we'll have to share her." She, of course, wants to explore that side of herself, but wants to be able to be with other men if he is sleeping with other women. (Which is in my opinion understandable.)

She wants to talk to him about swinging, and has a hard time mostly because she's a very VERY blunt person She said she just straight asked him about swinging, and of course he was surprised and said "NO!". She dropped it, and didn't discuss it with him further. Apparently later he came to her and said "Tell me how our relationship wouldn't change, and how we'd still love each other if we were sleeping with different people?!?" She came to me and I tried to refer her here.

Problem is, she doesn't like to read a super lot, and is quite impatient. I don't mind doing the research and posting the questions (She is shy to talk about sexual things, religious background and whatnot), because if I link her to them she'll read it. I just don't want to be the go between in as much as her taking what I say word for word when we don't have a whole lot of experience, and with being pregnant my answers could vary by the hour Surrender

So, even though I know this question has been posted before, and I'm researching it, new fresh perspectives are wanted and appreciated. The bottom line is:

How does she bring it up/discuss swinging with him tactfully, and is there any advice from the "veterans"? My husband and I didn't go thru the normal one wants it and the other doesn't process, so I don't have any answers. Thanks in advance!

~Blade~

[dragonblade]

Well she keeps checking this thread to see if anyone posted, and I sent her some archived links, but there have been a lot of views to the thread and no responses? Well, I had just asked LikeMinds about it and she's the one that gave me the links, but she said post a thread as she thought it would be a good topic too. Apparently we were mistaken lol. I promise I'm trying to get my friend to sign up here and post her own stuff, but I do what I can for her.

*sigh* I just thought there'd be a little more help to be found.

~Blade~

[Tybee Swing]

Blade, don't despair. It's Saturday evening (on the east coast) and many swingers are getting ready to go out for the evening. I'm doing that very same thing, as I sit here with blue clay facial stuff on my face! LOL The board is very slow today, I noticed. I'll bet you will get tons of great answers over the next day or two.

I don't have time for a great, detailed answer myself, but this seems to be at the core of it:

"later he came to her and said "Tell me how our relationship wouldn't change, and how we'd still love each other if we were sleeping with different people?!?"

This is totally understandable, one of the #1 things that people ask themselves and each other before they fully understand swinging and how it works. The bottom line is that sex does not have to equal love, and vice versa. Sex can be separated in the sense that with other people, it is recreational, just for fun, it's what you do with your friends on a Saturday night instead of play Bunco. I know that's very simplistic, but that's really the way it can and does work for us.

With my hubby and I, love=sex, sex=love, it's all tied up together. But when we play with others, that's just for fun and there's no emotional attachment to it. Like many, we don't swing separately, we keep it together. Not out of jealousy or being insecure, but because doing this together as a couple actually makes us closer emotionally. Closer to each other, not to the other people we happen to be playing with. Not only that, we are far more turned-on by seeing each other swinging, than not.

Hugs,
M.

[dragonblade]

Thanks Tybee. I've tried to explain that part to her, but since we have limited experience (my hubby and I) I thought that more experienced or different people would have varying responses that might click more to her. I forget about Saturday night and whatnot with being pregnant and off the swinging market for a few more months lol. It's a request of my husbands that we don't swing, and, as I'd do anything for him, I abide by it It's hard to give new swingers advice when you've been out of the loop for a bit and don't have a super lot of experience yourself you know? Anyhow, thanks again, I'll try to keep hormones in check and be patient...perhaps tonight she'll finally sign up

~Blade~

[intuition897]

Sorry that I haven't responded before this Blade. I've actually written a few posts addressing this, but I'll have to go looking for them. I hope your friend eventually signs up. Actually introducing her hubby to the board would be a good idea. If the "opposites attract" rule holds true, perhaps he's more of a bookworm than she is, and could chew through one of my tediously long posts.

I'll post back again soon with some links.

[sexyshelby]

The reason you're not getting many replies is because a) it's the weekend and b) it's a difficult question to answer.
I don't think there's a one size fits all approach here. But it's a good sign that he brought it up again. She should go back to him and say, "I've been thinking about your question and we should discuss it; this is something that I'd like to try or at least discuss further."
This should get them talking for starters. Once they talk a little and figure out what their specific questions are, then they can come here and ask them.

~SS

[WesternSwing]

This is really a pretty common situation, one partner wants to try it and the other has some jealousy (read: insecurity) issues that put the brakes on it. Her situation where her husband is all about her being with another woman and him being able to partake of her too is also very common. This is not a threat to his masculinity, but rather a boost to it. Introduce another man though and it’s a show stopper. Like you mentioned, this has to do with jealousy issues on his part.

She has every right to want the ability to sample other men if her husband can sample other women. Other then sampling other women herself, what is in it for her? It would seem that the husband benefits the most from the situation he is proposing. It is only fair if that is the way they agree to play. The key word here being “agree”. If it doesn’t work for both of you it doesn’t work for either of you. So if he wants to move forward with a FMF then in this case he is going to have to concede to MFMF or MFM also.

Her husband asked "Tell me how our relationship wouldn't change, and how we'd still love each other if we were sleeping with different people?!?" Well, he needs to ask himself this question. How can he have sex with another woman and this won’t change their relationship or his love for his wife, but his wife having sex with another man will? How can he believe he can do it, but not her? This is insecurity.

When we first got into the Lifestyle I had to deal with some insecurities that I never knew existed until they came-up. I was all for it, then crap floated to the surface that I didn’t even think of. The long and short of it is that I am not an insecure person, and I didn’t like how I was feeling because it was not in alignment with who I am or who I wanted to be. It took awhile, but I worked on myself and today I don’t have those insecurities and I like myself allot better. I had to realize that Mrs. WS wasn’t doing anything wrong, she still loved me more then life itself, she wasn’t going to leave me over some other guy’s dick, she didn’t diss me to have sex with someone else. In short, she was doing nothing wrong, so why was I feeling the way I was?

When I looked at it with an open mind it came to me that I had had good sex with other women in my life, Mrs. WS had good sex with other men before we met, so why are we married to each other and not others? It has to be more than just the sex. Swinging has really defined this aspect of our relationship. We tend with much more care to the other aspects of our relationship that make us a couple.

Now how does she talk to him about it? That is a hard one. If he is unreceptive than nothing she says will sink-in. If he is, then they can have a rational discussion and get somewhere. The key is going to be non-confrontational and really listen to each other, not just hear the words, but hear what the other is saying. It is also going to require going in with an open mind and trying to suppress preexisting ideals about love and sex and sex and love.

How is their relationship going to change if they have sex with others? Well, if it changes like most swingers have, it will be for the positive. They will, like I mentioned above, really find out what makes them a couple. But you can’t be scared of what you’ll discover about each other and yourself. I can tell you from experience that it is a wonderful discovery and I’d could never go back to a relationship the way it was before swinging. Doesn’t mean that I’d have to swing if I was married to someone else, just means that I couldn’t settle for the relationship status quo: the surface stuff that everyone excepts as a relationship. I have seen the truth and it can never be ignored again. Call it “relationship enlightenment.” What I thought made a relationship several years ago was only half true. You never know how free you can feel until you release petty jealousy and love someone for who they are, not who you want them to be; or until you see how they love you for who you are and not what they want to change you into. It’s this freedom that makes you crave your spouse even more. This is a concept that probably many would have trouble wrapping their minds around.

If swinging has done one important thing for me it has made me free in that I don’t have to deal with distrust, jealousy, and possessiveness that many others do. I know that Mrs. WS is with me because she wants to be with me, not because I am forcing her to. I don’t have to be suspicious of what she is doing when we’re not together. This part of my life is not a huge stress. I am happy.

Did I answer your question… probably not, but I had fun writing this.

Mr. WS

[LikeMinds321]

Blade ~

In your position, having your very good friend asking you to help her convince her husband to do something he doesn't want to do, you risk getting wedged in a very tight spot that may leave you feeling stuck with a situation you regret getting into.

As a friend, you should offer some help, but be careful she doesn't start relying on you to do the communicating with her husband that she doesn't want to do. You know the kind, "Talk him into seeing MY way, please!"

You said she's not a reader, which concerns me. How does she expect to learn about swinging without being open to various resources, besides calling on you?

Ultimately she and her husband need to work this out between them.

I guess what I'm saying is don't get pinned between them or you may lose a friend. Keep a safe - but supporting - distance.

LM

[DBL D]

I agree here with LM321, especially since you are a couple she seems to want to be with. Typically the first answer is always "no", Then you start talking and talking. LOL! You are at a kind of risk, but at least you live some distance apart. Try to stay objective with her as long as you can. We've been with the nicest couples and have seen jealousy appear instantly, up close and personal, it's not pretty and leaves a bad feeling. He needs to start explaining what he meant when he said they'd have to share another lady. What would that mean to him.

I think in the beginning most couples see swinging as something they do for themselves. They look forward to all the Hot sex with other couples on kind of an individual basis. Then they start to realize how special it is to share with your wife and be completely at ease. That is when things can really become enjoyable. If in the back of your mind you are expecting the Green Monster to show up, it's a major distraction.

Male D

[turnuptheheat]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Blade ~

You said she's not a reader, which concerns me. How does she expect to learn about swinging without being open to various resources, besides calling on you?

Ultimately she and her husband need to work this out between them.

LM

This is the issue.
As much as you desire to assist in your friend's exploration, it is something only she and her husband can do.
She should spend some time here and see if her husband is interested in exploring.
If he is not, or if they are unwilling in investing the time capital in building this new dimension into their relationship, you may rest assured that you did your part as a friend.
Good luck.....

[dragonblade]

Well, I don't really talk to her husband anyway, my husband happens to be his friend, but they talk about computers mostly. It's usually talk between her and I. As I've said before, I link her to info, tell her what I know about it and generally try to direct her here. The biggest problem I see, is that she's a very blunt, straight forward person (which I personally love about her) but also very impatient. I keep telling her it takes time and communication. I'm going to try to get her to sign on here tonight if she will, and give y'all her take on it. Thanks everyone for the advice though. I knew I could count on you!

/sidebar The only regular people I search out that have not made an appearance is the Spoos and EvilMJ. I love when my fave posters that I respect so much (i.e. the rest of you that posted as well) take the time to help me out. It's so neat. /end sidebar

~Blade~

[DBL D]

Well geez, I guess I could wear purple dye for a day or so every now and then.

Male D

[dragonblade]

No no no, DBL D, I think you took it all wrong. You're one of my faves, along with Western Swing, Tybee, Intuition, LikeMinds and Shelby (I haven't really seen turnuptheheat) I meant that the only 2 that did not show up thus far are the spoos and evilmj, not that everyone isn't welcome of course. I just think it's neat when people I look for and respect on the board happen to respond to something that I posted. I'm a dork that way Surrender

My apologies if I offended.

~Blade~

[DBL D]

I know that. I loves ya.

This could be the start of Monkey hibernation...

M.D.