Ladies can you help me get my wife to swing with a male friend?

[funseeking]

Hello all. This is my first post and I am hoping to help my wife please bare with me as I explain....

My wife has been "blooming" these past 5 years for the first time. She has discovered that she is a very good looking woman after years of thinking she was plain.

One of the things she wanted to do in this "coming out" process was to have a close male friend, not for sex but for simple frienship. I encouraged her to and she has found one.

As I mentioned she only wants friendship but I have encouraged her to try a sexual relationship with this man. She has never been with another man besides me. I want her to do this for the fun and thrill of it. I honestly think it will be a good experience for her and that the experience will actually make her like sex more and benefit our own sex life. It will be a great part of her "discovering herself" experience that she has been going through these past 5 years. I am convinced it will benefit her in many ways.

This male friend of hers finds her very attractive and has told her. This does make her feel good. At this time he will not even hug her because my wife has told him all she wants is friendship.

I asked her if she thought it would be fun to be with another man and she said that it probably would be but that she does not think about that. She then said that she is afraid anyway. I asked her what she was afraid of and she said that she was afraid that she would not live up to HIS expectations.
This is unfounded I can assure you as she is very good in bed. Never the less she has this insecurity. Conquering this insecurity by having good sex with another man would be a big boost to her sexual self esteem too.

By the way I have no desire to be with another woman and this may be because she doesn't like the idea.

The idea of her with another man is a turn on to me....I am really turned on by seeing her enjoy sex and I honestly think that having sex with a new parter would be the untimate thrill for her....and this thought turns me on.

We have a very good marriage and she has told me that she will never trade me for any man and I believe her. Of course I don't want to loose her and I don't think I will no matter how far she goes with this man because our love for each other is so mature.
She is impressed with my ability to let her do as she pleases and she really appreciates that but at this time she does not want to "experiment" even though I have told her many times that it would be a good experience for her and would very likely benefit us as a couple.


How can I get her to break down her "barriers" and try being with this man sexually? Any comments appreciated.

[sereneiders]

Well, I am not a lady but I'll tell you what I think anyway.

Let's suppose she were up to have sex with another male. The I would advice you AGAINST choosing this friend of her as such a male.

You have to understand that there are many, many things that can happen in unexpected ways for both of you, and that the actual experience won't be the way you fantasize it would be. Should something unexpected happen, during such an encounter or afterwards... let say, a regret, or your wife's fear of not being able to meet his expectations, it's very likely that she won't be able to face this guy anymore. Even in the best scenario, the friendship she actually have and treasure wiht this guy WILL change, and she may want to keep it the way it is right now, something that has nothing to do with her or your sexuality.

By picking this guy as a cantidate, you're making a bet with your wife's assests, and not with yours. Besides the side effects this may have inside your marriage, she'd have way more to loose than you should you loose your bet. So, my first tought is, if you wanna bet, use your own money, or ask her to share the investment equally with you, but don't use her money. If I were your wife, under this terms I would say NO even if I were willing to be with another male.

In any case, I'd choose an unknown guy no one of you have a previous attachment to preserve, because winging is way too complex involving just two people's feelings and commitments as to add up the feelings and commitments for third ones. You may want to know the guy and reach the degree of confidence required as for her to engage, and this is pretty common in the lyfestile.

The second tought I have for you is: it's well known that swinger shouldn't be used as a tool to force things to change in certain planned way inside a marriage or in someone's attitude. Certainly once engaging in swinging there are changes, but you hardly would figure out what and how it will change, and less you'd be able to plan in advance seeking for a desired effect. Trying to do it is one of the fastest ways to failure, and you may be even risking to wreck your marriage. So I'd advice you against your plans. There are many other things you can do to improve her self esteem, and if her self steem were really an issue here, then you'd need her self esteem ALREADY improved BEFORE engaging in swinging, because if not you could be playing with her emotional stress and risking her to get really hurt. And if I were your wyfe, I'd be seriously concerned to engage in swinging if I were having some clue telling me you may be being careless about my emotional stress and my safety, to the point of saying NO even if I were willing to be with another male.

My third and final tought for you is, she already said no.... but you know better? There's a rule among swingers, even a written rule inside swingers clubs: "NO means NO". She said no. A second rule says "NO means NO, and don't ask for explanations", because by asking for explanations you're looking for a way to, either understand something that isn't your business, or to get resources to argue against the decision already made. So far, she said NO in this scenario, involving a friend of her, but she may say YES in other scenarios and once she feel her safety is your main concern, even against your own desires and what turns you on.

If she were to say YES, then the other rule would apply "go as fast as the slowest one can go", and if you want to go faster because "you know better", this could be enough motivation for her to change her mind.

But if she were to say NO in any scenario, I'd suggest yout to let it go.

I believe ladies oppinions here are valuable... but for her if she were the one asking for it and reading them. By asking the ladies oppinons it seems you're looking for tools to push your wife, to talk her into it.

I'd suggest you to invite her to the board to ask herself the questions she needs to ask to help her decide what to do, wheter you like or not her final choice.

[EvilMJ]

sereneiders made some really great points. I think you are playing with fire (my own opinon, others may not share) by pushing her to have sex with someone that she sees now as a good friend. There are three outcomes that I can see: She has the time of her life and they remain friends, it doesn't work out and kills their friendship, or the worst, it works out and now there is an emotional and sexual connection that may cause some problems between you and her.

She said that she is not interested for various reasons, you may have to leave it at that. If you push to hard it is not a good thing. You have laid the invitation down on the table, now it is up to her to pick it up and it has to be her decision.

I think it is great that you are very open minded and love you wife so much that you want to give her this opportunity, just don't get too caught up and excited by the idea. Give her time and space to make her own decisions.

And then be prepared to live with her decision. I caution you that sometimes how you THINK you are going to feel about something may end up being totaly different than how you feel when it actually happens.

[TNT]

I see a lot of " I want....I think..." here.

Your wife has said that she does not want to "experiment" . Just because you "think" it would be good for her and the thought excites you, does not mean that it would or that she should.

You have planted the seed in her mind, that's all you can do at this time. If she changes her mind she will let you know.

Swinging is not for everyone and it's definitely not necessary for any woman (or man) to have sex with someone other than their SO on their journey to "discovering themselves".

If your wife decides that this is something that she wants to try, it should be because she wants to, not because you want her to. It has to be something that you both agree on and both want to try.


Teresa

[funseeking]

Thanx for the replies and you all have made some good points. Any other replies would be well appreciated.

Yes, I need to leave this alone and let her decide. I have told her how I feel and that is enough. You are right it should not be about what I think or about how I feel but about what she thinks and feels.

However, I still think it can do her a lot of good to be with another man. She will have a really good time and experience quite the thrill I think. I want her to be really thrilled because I want all the best for her.... yes it is a "tune on" for me to know that she is really enjoying sex and experiencing new "thrills" but this is not the primary reason why I want her to try sex with this fellow.
I think she will learn a lot about sex and enjoy sex even more after such an encounter and that it will spill over into a deeper love for me. I do think we will become even closer than we are now as a result, especially since she really respects and appreciates how I think on this matter. I love her fully and have given her complete freedom with no "reservation" on my part.

I think all this potential good(for her) will happen mainly because she has NEVER even kissed another man let alone had sex with another man.

If she does have sex with this fellow there is no doubt that the friendship will change. As was said it could end the friendship, or it could continue on with a new "twist", or it actually could result in one or both of them "falling in love" with the other.

Personally I think that I could emotionally "detached" and not fall in love because I really believe that sex is simply an act of pleasure UNLESS there is a deep rooted love for the other person. This love takes a long time to develop and can only happen AFTER the "in love" experience has gone away.....which usually happens in 1-2 years after a relationship starts. My wife also agrees with this definition of real love but I am not totally sure that she can "emotionally detached" from this guy should she have sex with him. So I am playing with fire to some extent.
There is already some emotional attachment(friendship) as she really likes to spend time with him. She likes the "fun" things they do together. However, she is not sexually attracted to him, even though she thinks he is fairly good looking and with a good body. This is probably because my wife is NOT "visual" like we men are. As most of you would agree most women are nowhere near as "visual" as men are. My wife is LESS visual than most women....she doesn't even notice good looking men.

Yet after all is said, I do trust her to be able to have fun with this guy, a guy I like and respect, without allowing herself to get TOO attached to him and getting into what we both consider the early immature infatuation of the "falling in love" experience, which isn't real love at all. She even told me that she would end the relationship should she start feeling that she is really starting to like this guy in a way that is beyond frienship.

A little about "him". He is married but has a very poor marriage. It is a marriage on convenience for sure. My wife has told him how I think and feel and he thinks I am crazy. So far he hasn't been "forward" because my wife has made it perfectly clear to him that all she wants is friendship.

My wife is in control not me and she is free to do what SHE wants to. I am not in control and do not want to be. I can let her do what she wants and I have no feeling of jealousy and I do not feel threatened. I am like this because I have a very mature and deep love for her and she feels the same towards me.

She is having a lot of fun in her "coming out of her shell" experience of the last five years and I have encouraged her to do anything she wants to do to make this experience more complete.

I guess it is time to "back off" on my part though.

BUT....isn't there anyone out there that thinks it will benefit her, and potentially even us as a couple, for her to have a sexual relationship with this man? Am I just crazy and foolish or am I on to something?

Again any replies are appreciated and especially from the ladies in the crowd.

[nwpacouple16404]

It sounds like your wife is a very special and beautifull women. I would be so flattered to be the one person someone had had sex with. So she is coming out of her shell, that doesn't mean she needs to start swinging. Let her feel beautifull for who she is, not just sexually. You don't need to turn her into anything she is not and never has been, just because it turns YOU on. You are a very lucky man and I wouldn't screw with the situation any more than you have.

[funseeking]

Originally Posted by nwpacouple16404

It sounds like your wife is a very special and beautifull women. I would be so flattered to be the one person someone had had sex with. So she is coming out of her shell, that doesn't mean she needs to start swinging. Let her feel beautifull for who she is, not just sexually. You don't need to turn her into anything she is not and never has been, just because it turns YOU on. You are a very lucky man and I wouldn't screw with the situation any more than you have.

I appreciate your bluntness...I like tactfull bluntness like this...and you have a point.

I am indeed very lucky.

But you misunderstand me a bit I think.....this is not about my fantasy, although I think most men have had such a fantasy and that includes me


This is about is about her. But as I have told her, SHE is in control,and she should only do what SHE wants to do and not what I or her male friend want her to do. I have made that very clear.

I just happen to think that it will benefit her and I have told her that. I guess I need to just shut up now as she already knows how I feel and think.

I just wanted some of other opinions from experienced people on this board and that's why I am here.

I also wonder if perhaps there is the chance that I am deceiving myself with the way I think.

A friend of mine, that does not know my wife, said that I am a very "different" fellow for not feeling "threatened" with the thought of my wife with another man but he respects me and this ideation.

[dinkydow4us]

How do you know she'll learn anything knew? Are you saying this guy is better than you? You've been there since day one, you know her inside and out. I doubt this guy can do anything more for her than you can The only place he can beat you is in your head Don't try to think for someone else. Be glad for the road you've traveled Good luck D. D.

[funseeking]

Originally Posted by dinkydow4us

How do you know she'll learn anything knew? Are you saying this guy is better than you? You've been there since day one, you know her inside and out. I doubt this guy can do anything more for her than you can The only place he can beat you is in your head Don't try to think for someone else. Be glad for the road you've traveled Good luck D. D.

Not better....but different and new and as such thrilling. Isn't that one reason why "swingers" swing? Surely she will learn different/new things as this guy is an experienced male and he is not the same as me.

AND...he very well may be "better" than me and I am not threatened by that thought. In fact if my wife has a better time then all the more power to her.

In fact the thing that worries me the most is not that he would be better than me but that he would be NO GOOD and then she might feel bad for "doing it".

I am not trying to think for her....just give her freedon to do as she wants and that includes sex.

[funseeking]

Did I make a mistake giving my wife this freedom and saying what I have said?
Would it be a mistake for her to do as I have suggested, should SHE want to?

Please read on and I will try to package this in short...


My wife and I have a great relationship with a very mature and deep love.

Over the past five years my wife has been "coming out of her shell" so to speak. She now sees herself as the beautiful woman that she is both on the inside and outside.

She asked me if it was okay for her to find a male friend... for friendship, and I encouraged her to do just that. She has found a fellow that she likes, as a friend, and who I actually like too. He is very attracted to her, as all men are, and has told her so. She thinks he is good looking but not as good looking as me. She has made it clear to him that she is only after friendship and he does respect this. He has not been "forward" with her as a result.

They do spend a lot of time together and really enjoy each other company.

This man is married but has a marriage of convenience for sure. He does not love his wife and he has told me.

My wife asked me if I want her to reduce the time that she spends with him and I said no because I am happy for that she is having a great time doing all sorts of "neat" and interesting things.

I told my wife that she is free to do anything that she wants with man and even to have a sexual relationship with her just as long as she does not allow herself to get "too" attached to this fellow. I said that I am not threatened by the thought of her with him sexually and I have no feeling of jealousy.
She really respects the fact that I have given her this freedom but she has no interest at this time in a sexual relationship.
She also assured me that she would never leave me for him or any other man.

She told him how I think and feel and he thinks I am crazy. He told me that he just cannot understand how I can think this way. I told him that it has to do with the fact that I think sex is only for pleasure UNLESS there is a deep seated love for the other person and that this love is NOT the same kind of love that one experiences in the initial falling in love experience, which my wife and I both think is simple infatuation.

I have given her this freedom to do as she wishes because I love her and I am secure with our mature and well tested love for each other.

I told her that I think a sexual relationship with this guy would be a great thrill and a great experience for her and that I actually think it can actually make us closer as a couple. In fact I think it can even result in a better sex life for us.

My only fear is that she will "do it" and then end up very disappointed because he may not be "very good". I want her experience, should she decide to go ahead with it, to be a lot of fun and a good thrilling experience. So the fact that this guy may actually be "better" than me in bed does not threaten me at all....I worry that he may "suck".

I will admit that I am turned on by the thought of my wife in bed with another women. I am turned on by the thought our her high level of enjoyment and excitment that is likely if she has sex with a new partner. But let me make this clear....this is NOT the primary reason I want her to try sex with this guy. The primary reason is for HER enjoyment, fun, adventure and experience.

I have told her that she is in control and not me or him and she likes that.

Although she is still only interested in being a friend I know that she is "thinking about it" because she told me that she is afraid that if they ever did get sexual that SHE would not live up to his standards. I told her that she is great in bed and that would not be an issue and that I am worried that he would not live up to her standards and that she might be disappointed in the whole adventure.


Now my questions
Have I made a mistake telling my wife this?
Also, would sex with another man, a man that she sees as a good friend but one that thinks that she is "hot" be too risky for our relationship?

[sexyshelby]

I think these are questions that only you and your wife can answer.


~SS

[funseeking]

Originally Posted by sexyshelby

I think these are questions that only you and your wife can answer.


~SS

Yes good point but I am looking for some experienced opinions here.

[sexyshelby]

Originally Posted by funseeking

Yes good point but I am looking for some experienced opinions here.

Well...I dont know how "experienced" I am...but here's my take on it:

Being honest with your wife (assuming you were completely honest about your feelings and the situation) is a good thing. In a strong relationship, honesty is never a mistake (Unless you say, "Yes honey, your ass does look big in those jeans" )

So, what happens if your wife does have sex with this other man? Only time will tell. She may love it; she may hate it. But, I doubt that this would ruin your marriage.
It may make her realise that she doesn't like having sex with anyone other than you. It may make her realise that she loves having sex with someone else. Regardless, she will need your support through this journey.
You say that you are worried that "he may suck"... This is a little conceited, don't ya think?

What was your wife's reaction to this? And is she considering it?

I hope it is obvious, that you should not push her into this if she doesnt not want to/is not ready. Let her move at her own pace.

There ya go...those are my thoughts for whatever they're worth...

Talk to your wife about this some more before it happens. Communication is the key.

~SS

[funseeking]

Originally Posted by sexyshelby

Well...I dont know how "experienced" I am...but here's my take on it:

Being honest with your wife (assuming you were completely honest about your feelings and the situation) is a good thing. In a strong relationship, honesty is never a mistake (Unless you say, "Yes honey, your ass does look big in those jeans" )

So, what happens if your wife does have sex with this other man? Only time will tell. She may love it; she may hate it. But, I doubt that this would ruin your marriage.
It may make her realise that she doesn't like having sex with anyone other than you. It may make her realise that she loves having sex with someone else. Regardless, she will need your support through this journey.
You say that you are worried that "he may suck"... This is a little conceited, don't ya think?

What was your wife's reaction to this? And is she considering it?

I hope it is obvious, that you should not push her into this if she doesnt not want to/is not ready. Let her move at her own pace.

There ya go...those are my thoughts for whatever they're worth...

Talk to your wife about this some more before it happens. Communication is the key.

~SS

Thanx for the reply and good points.

Well there is the possiblity that he may not be good in bed....it is a small one for a man that has been married but it still is a possibility. In fact there are more than a few men that suffer from pre-mature ejaculation.
I am not saying that I am Mr. GREAT in bed.

My wifes reaction when I said that I am worried that he may "suck" in bed and that she may be disappointed in the experience was this....."I don't think that he would suck as I think he is an experienced man. I am worried that I would not live up to his standards."

Is she considering it?....well she only considers that a sexual relationship is a possibility but a very small one. At this time she only wnats friendship and I respect that....yet part of me is yelling inside and saying TRY IT, it will be a blast and how can you not try it when I am not only permitting it telling you to do it.

Yes communication is the key and she wants to tell me everything and we do talk about what she does with this fellow all the time. Nothing is secret between us.

I tell her that SHE is in control and not me or her friend and that although I think it would be a great experience to be sexual with this guy, I tell her not to do ANYTHING that she does not want to do.

Also, I would like a female to tell my wife that it is okay to have a sexual relationship with this guy for fun, since I think it is a good idea but only if she wants to. I think this would get her "thinking" more than if another man said the same thing.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by funseeking

Now my questions
Have I made a mistake telling my wife this?

No, I don't think so at all. And you can't control whether he'll be good for her in the sack or visa-versa. Only they will know if the chemistry to make good sex is there. And until they try, they'll never know. And so what if it isn't?

Also, would sex with another man, a man that she sees as a good friend but one that thinks that she is "hot" be too risky for our relationship?

The answer is "yes" and "no". I don't know your relationship. I can tell you from experience that Mrs. WS gets very friendly with the playmates she has chemistry with, almost polyamorous... well, more then almost. So I know how it is when my wife has a crush on another guy. And its great to see her so enthused about it. But, I know she isn't going to leave me. I know I am her one and only true love and the rest are just that... crushes.

I don't know your wife, but if you and her think you can handle it then I say go for it. Just move ahead with caution because there may not be hurt feelings now, but you never know when the green-eyed monster will rear its ugly head.

Mr. WS