How to bring up swinging with my wife without hurting her?

[phadz2]

We have been married for 15 years. My wife is a very straight person and I really do not know how to ask her to try swinging. It is something I would very much like to try but only with her onboard. How should I even begin to talk to her about it without hurting or upsetting her.

[Alura]

Welcome from Oklahoma, Phadz2! We're glad you've joined us!

As you can imagine, we get this question a lot. There will be a number of suggestions from board members. Stay tuned.

Probably, you'll need to develop your communication first. If you have a fear of talking to your wife about any subject at all, you have some homework to do first.

When Mrs. Alura and I first realized this relationship was going somewhere, we agreed that we would never get "mad" about any question one of us asked the other and would always andwer completely, seeking answers, not blame. Consequently, we've never had to fear asking anything. It may not work for you, but it has served us well for twenty-five years.

You might start by saying, "Honey, there's something I'd like to ask you about that we've never discussed, but I'm afraid you'll get angry so I've not done it."

If she says, "Go ahead and ask," phrase the question so that it cannot be answered with "yes" or "no." For example, "I've run across a message board that has to do with swinging. I'm wondering how people can do that and stay married. How do you feel about group sex?"

A lot of people, both men and women, have asked us that question. Some have managed to get their spouses to visit this board to do research. They find out we're not ogres and often become interested.

Don't be in a hurry. Don't push her faster than she's willing to go. If you make her fearful or uncomfortable, you'll have problems.

Please drop by our "Introductions" forum and tell us a bit more about yourselves... and keep us up to date on your progress.

Mr. Alura

[BradAndJanet]

phadz2, you might start out with a little 'pillow talk' about her fantasies. This works especially well in the afterglow of a good sexual session. Be totally non-judgemental, supportive and get her to open up. Naturally, she'll want to know what yours are.

By open and honest and, most importantly, reassure her constantly that you think she's the most desireable woman to ever walk the planet. Make sure she understands that you only want to do this with her, that you're not trying to replace her and that you'll shut up and walk away from it if that's what she wants.

Plant the seed, then give it time to grow. It takes some people quite a while to get their heads around this subject. When the time is right, show her this board. The people here can answer almost any question she might have and believe me when I say that no one here will try to talk her into becoming a swinger is she's not ready or isn't of the right mindset.

Take it slowly and you may succeed. Keep in mind though that you may not. Some people are just not cut out for this and pushing them into it will most certainly backfire.

Best of luck!

-B

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

First Welcome to the board.

Like Alura said you'll get lots of variations of how to bring it up. Alura hit the first and most critical element that your marriage needs to have and that is communication. If you don't have that you need to work on it first. Open, honest, and trusting communication is vital.

Also, BradandJanet mentioned bringing up and sharing fantasies together. If she is not comfortable with you in the intimacy of your bedroom to talk about her fantasies do you really think she'd be comfortable thinking about having group sex with strangers?

Mr Spoo and I had/have a great sex life before swinging ever came up. We also enjoyed friendship where we could be ourselves as far as being flirtatious and open about sex (i.e. not a prude if someone says something about sex ).

We already had all the key elements needed for him to bring it up. He asked me one day walking across the parking lot after work "Have you ever heard of soft swinging?" This might be a good route for you to go. It's less scary to start talking about having sex with each other but with another couple in the room doing the same thing then it is to think of a pile up of people having group sex.

You can't just pounce on your wife with the news that you want to check out swinging. For those who really don't know what it is about envision something WAY out of their comfort zones (i.e. big orgies).

Take it slow and then once the bug is planted steer her to this board. Let her read, question and research it herself. Be prepared to accept that it just may not be for you. The fantasy become reality is not always as you would expect.

Take it slow and give her time to be comfortable.

Good luck

Mrs Spoomonkey

[fun4Ds]

phadz, please listen to any advice you can find here. i wish i had asked this question here like you have. instead of being busted on the net like i did. all i had found in my defence was what i had learned here at that time,be honest
i was tested in every way possible believe me. no means no. i wasnt trying to (hook up) so to speak with any one. what i was after, comunication and trust about the way i felt and having a partner to share that with. that wasnt easy the way it happend . it took a long time and alot of talking. good luck in your journey .

[BodyScape02]

This is a copy of a post that answers your question from another place on the board were it was burried in a poll... I hope it answers your question to your satisfaction.

Having said that... I really thought about this question and went back through my journals and realized Mr. Body did do some things to help me become comfortable with swinging... to seduce me into the sport ...so to speak.

He introduced me to porn... other than playboy (when I was 14 ,reading those , late at night after the kids I baby sat were long in bed, is were I got my idea of female sensuality and how I was to look). He sent me the link to the huns yellow pages and I started surfing.

He would send me little links in e-mail of really hot pics, now and then, as foreplay. At first just beautiful erotica of women and then couple pics ...very sensual and very artsy... ones were the woman was the star and obviously enjoying herself. They would always say… she reminds me of you… or this girl has the sensuality of you.

Then, I found some pics of mfm threesomes, and one clip with Monique St Jacques that really got me going. So he started sending me mfm clips and then ffm threesomes... etc...as my appetite and interest grew... and it always ended with us having really hot sex as a couple- with no mention of adding anyone or swinging.

Then when I mentioned it one night he did research and found this board and being the egg head that I am... research appeals to me. So we spent a year reading (and having great sex with each other) and I learned it was not what I thought it was. I was able to see the community for what it is. ( Invite them to read this board...archived posts as well... the ones were we riled against cheaters... interviews ....select ones that pertain to whatever her/ his fears and intersts are)

I was able to learn from others what to watch out for and see that most of the couples here valued honesty, communication and their marriages MORE than anywhere else I had ever been.

I also began to associate it with great sex... the reward system was firmly falling into place. lol

IT TOOK 2 YEARS... before we decided to give it a try and that was me with another woman... then a while longer and we tried soft swap.

My Point?

HE GAVE ME THE TIME I NEEDED... that really let me know it was not about him getting what he wanted... I didn't feel used or rushed...

All good things ...

So if I have any advice for those who would like to try this and haven't a clue how to bring it up... it would be to

BE PATIENT

Entice your mate- don't rush them...

and be prepared to perhaps only live this out as a fantasy. You have to accept the fact that not everyone can handle this.

Oddly only those with really strong unions were communication rules and the two of you are REALLY SECURE in the belief that you are loved and cherished above all else...survive or thrive. It seems Counterintuitive (to what I had assumed) but it is valid.

If you push too hard... she/he will feel railroaded and it may likely have the opposite effect of that you had desired.

I hope that helps… it is as honest of an answer as I can give… best wishes

Ms Bodyscape

[BodyScape02]

Originally Posted by Mrs Spoomonkey

The fantasy become reality is not always as you would expect.


Mrs Spoomonkey

Isn't that fable called "The monkey paw"?

yep the one about the paw that brings you three wishes and the woman wishes for her dead son to be alive and with her again...well ...let's just say it can all be a real horrific exsperience unless you really know what you want and have thought it out completely.

[Alura]

Body Scape wrote:

Isn't that fable called "The monkey paw"?

I saw that play years ago, Body Scape. Powerful drama! Thanks for mentioning it. I'd forgotten!

Mr. Alura

[joenmichelle]

i was lucky it was my wife whom suggested we swing but what i have found that always gets her even more excited is if we talk about imaginary people or if you have someone in mind throw them into the equation... it wouldn't hurt... and if she still says no drop it for a while then bring it back up..
Joe

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by BodyScape02

Isn't that fable called "The monkey paw"?

yep the one about the paw that brings you three wishes and the woman wishes for her dead son to be alive and with her again...well ...let's just say it can all be a real horrific exsperience unless you really know what you want and have thought it out completely.

I saw that a long time ago.... don't even know if I've seen it from beginning to end. I do remember the son coming back though Wrong thing to wish for in that case

Hmmmm, should we take offense that it was call the "Monkey Paw" :rollseyes

Mrs Spoomonkey

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Mrs Spoomonkey

Hmmmm, should we take offense that it was call the "Monkey Paw" :rollseyes

Nah...

It just reiterates how magical a monkey can be

Spoomonkey

[phadz2]

Boy what alot of good information. I will have to think about this very carefully and try to do the right thing. Thanks everyone for all the help.

[philadaze]

I like BodyScapes' idea of sending email notes and pics to get your partner stimulated for an adventure.

I've searched the web for pics and only come up with young hardcore pics. Yuk.

Any sites that anyone is aware of would be helpful. I would love to send my wife some of artsie soft porn scenes with MFM or MFMF and tender notes.

Thanks All

[BodyScape02]

Originally Posted by philadaze

I like BodyScapes' idea of sending email notes and pics to get your partner stimulated for an adventure.

I've searched the web for pics and only come up with young hardcore pics. Yuk.

Any sites that anyone is aware of would be helpful. I would love to send my wife some of artsie soft porn scenes with MFM or MFMF and tender notes.

Thanks All

Mr Body used to send ones from "the hun" dot come ( freebies and they have an archive, or Kara's playground.

he sent allot of erotica stills... he has the same eye as I do for Andrew Blake type of almost fashion nudes... then you start taking some of her an making her look fabulous and who knows were you will go with it!

best wishes

Ms B.

hope that helps

[intuition897]

Holy moly, phadz, you just got a ton of great advice. I'll add my bit to the pile.

I'd suggest approaching her with the intention of sharing something you find interesting. Explain why you find it interesting (be very specific) and what your fantasies are. Make sure she understands that you are merely trying to share a part of your sexuality with her, and that this is not a demand you are placing on her, but something about yourself that you are trusting her with. It's okay to be vulnerable with one another. Most couples are very uncomfortable being this vulnerable, but it is essential. She may become defensive or feel threatened because she doesn't realize that you do not want to separate your sexuality from hers. You want to go on this adventure together, because it just wouldn't be any fun without her. You have no interest in hurting her. ...You just wanted to know what she knows about it, what her impressions are, and would she be interested in having a look at a couple of websites?