Wanting to reassure my wife

[DAHarvey3304]

For those who haven't read my introduction post here is the situation. My wife and I are very new to the lifestyle. She had met a man that she has been with twice and we arranged a 3some for her while I watched. I know she enjoyed the few experiences she/we have had, she has told me several times that she did but she just doesn't feel right about it. Despite the fact that I encouraged her to be with the man and I was there cheering her on during the 3some. She doesn't feel she would like to try anything like it again because it felt like cheating. Obviously she was curious about it otherwise she never would have said yes. Anyway I would love to continue in the lifestyle but of course I would never put any pressure on her to do it again. I am just curious, what would be the best way to let her I know that it was the hottest thing I have ever seen and if she ever wanted to change her mind I am all for it. (Besides the obvious telling her) I don't want to sound like I am badgering her or being pushy. Should I just drop it and let it go and if she changes her mind she will let me know? If I do that maybe she won't think I am into and would be afraid to ask to try it again. Any advice or guidance would be appreciated.

[RMRx2]

Thing is, she either will, or will not be able to get over how it makes her feel. She has to come to that on her own.

In the end, do you really want to wonder if she is doing something because she knows you wanted to so badly?

You can actually push her into lying to herself and you about her interest in the lifestyle and that will just build a wall between the two of you.

If she wants to have future encounters, let her tell you so, on her own. She has tried it, give her room to see if she can work through her feelings about. She may, she may not.

Reassure her, your feelings towards her have not changed.

In the meantime, you have the visuals, you have the memory, that many guys would love to have.

Best wishes,
mr rmrx2

[Denver2some]

Originally Posted by DAHarvey3304

Should I just drop it and let it go and if she changes her mind she will let me know? If I do that maybe she won't think I am into and would be afraid to ask to try it again. Any advice or guidance would be appreciated.

I am willing to bet your wife already senses you would be willing to try it again, if she ever changed her mind. Especially since you say you were "cheering her on" during the threesome.

I must agree with Mr RMRx2 ... drop the subject.

[OpenVA]

Outside of just dropping the subject (which may be the best solution) it may help to try and understand why your wife is so resistent. She said it felt like cheating - maybe you should explore that with her. Is there a situation that wouldn't feel like cheating? When did the feeling hit her - before, after, during? Is the swinging kicking up some old, unresolved issues from the past? One thing we've found is that starting out in this lifestyle brought up a ton of emotional issues that we both had to deal with in order to be able to really have fun with it. It may be that your wife simply can't get past the stigma of having a cock in her that does not belong to her husband - if that's the case, she's probably not right for the life. But it may be something deeper, and talking it through could eventually bring you both closer and allow her to move past it and enjoy something she seemed to like the first time.

[Chemistry_0518]

As OpenVA said, it appears that a discussion is in order.

You also might want to consider introducing a 4sum into the discussion. With you participating with the female of the couple, it could easily lesson her feelings of cheating, knowing fully that you are enjoying the same thing with her.

[HotMoCpl]

A similar thing happened between my wife and I. We've discusse this several times over the past 14+ years and she NEVER said anything negative about it.
We had a couple of big arguements a couple of weeks ago and I wrote her a letter to explain it all to her over again. I promised NEVER to bring it up again and asked her to never mention it again either. She came out to the shop and said, "Maybe its time to start living".

I believe that part that caught her was when I said I want to share her with one or two other men.

Talk to her. Write her a letter. Communicate. It works.
Cheers.

I've been a bad, bad, bad wittle boy. -Elmer Fud

[Alura]

The very best way to reassure your wife is to be sure she knows that you love her more than she can imagine, even if you have to remind her several times a day for the next fifty years.

Mr. Alura

[disqreetcouple]

I'm no expert by any means. My wife and I talk constantly when it comes to comfort zones. Maybe that particular situation is not comfortable to her. Have you asked her what is comfortable to her? What are her fantasies? Is there anything else she would like to play out? If she doesn't want to play anything else out and doesn't really have any fantasies that she wants to act out, then yes let it go and wait for her to come back to the topic.

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by Alura

The very best way to reassure your wife is to be sure she knows that you love her more than she can imagine, even if you have to remind her several times a day for the next fifty years.

Mr. Alura

Dito

Perfect advice Mr. Alura!

[SexhoundDog]

DAHarvey,
There are a few definitely interesting ideas on what to do, ranging from discussing it to dropping the subject. I guess I lean a little closer to discussing it, but I've got a question first, which may explain your wife's feeling. You say you arranged a threesome for her while you watched. Did you just watch, and therefore the threesome was with two other guys and her? If so, she might feel it's cheating because you weren't part of the action, and were just "cheering her on", as you said.

I don't think you have to beat it to death in a discussion, but you've definitely got to let her know that you didn't consider her cheating because you were just as game for it as she was, and that you love her enough that you damn sure don't want her to beat herself up and feel that she's cheated. Then I guess you could insert your "in fact, it was the hottest thing I've ever seen" comment in there at the opportune moment. Then of course, you'll have to finish with "but if you don't want to do it again, I understand, but again Babe, (or whatever term of endearment you use with her) please don't think of yourself as a cheater, I don't and never will."

Something like that, you pick the words . . . and THEN drop it. And I'm sure you're hopeful she'll bring it up again sometime after she's reassured, but let her do it once you've cleared it off your chest.

[linda3835]

All good advice so far, but I would like to add mine. I also love to watch my wife in threesomes. It is very excillerating sexy and we have the hottest sex afterwards. But, here is what works for us. I told her, "I would share her sexually, but I would never share her emotionally. I told her her emotions and love belong to me and mine to her." It seems to have worked for us over these many years of being in the lifestyle, but I also assure her daily of my "Love" for her. Our love has grown stronger than it was when we first met and married. It is never a chore for me to tell her how much I love her and how much her love means to me. We do participate in foursomes as well, buit what we enjoy the most, is the friends we make in the lifestyle. We find them to be more honest than non-lifestyle friends, as non-lifestyle friends at work, at a night club, at house parties, will try and hit on your wife and try to get her to do something illicit behind your back. At least in the lifestyle, everything is up front and in the open. It is the "dishonesty" taht breaks up relationships and marriages, not the actual idea and happening that you can find someonelse physically attractive, to take it beyond fantasie and into reality. Maybe she feels you may want to party also. Assure her for now you would only like to watch her with other men. You were there, did she really enjoy the sex? Only you can tell and if she did, assure her there is nothing wrong with her enjoying it, as it brought enjoyment to you as well and was the sexiest experience she could have given the two of you. Like the others, I would not push her, but let her make up her own mind if she wants to continue or not. I hope she does, as it will open the wonderful doors of the lifestyle that will simply add another dimension to your relationship. You must assure her daily of your love for her. Once she feels comfort in this, then she may agree to 3 somes or moresomes.
Happy Holidays and Good Luck

[DAHarvey3304]

Thanks everyone. There's alot of good advice in there. I have to agree with the majority....discuss her feelings about it and then let it go and hope she will bring it up later. If she doesn't then oh well, we gave it a shot and it just didn't work out. I still have the memory, the hot visual and the even hotter video!!! (Yea for me!) And I can come here and chat with everyone and live the vicarious life.

[DAHarvey3304]

BTW....Happy Holidays to everyone!!!!!

[Buck]

Originally Posted by RMRx2

In the meantime, you have the visuals, you have the memory, that many guys would love to have.

Best wishes,
mr rmrx2

You've got that right!