Laying it on the line....

[Hellboy]

After last Friday night and the strip club, I decided it was time to lay it all out for my wife and see what she thought. Of course, I was hoping it would mean "That would be awesome! Let's do it!" But what came out was "I don't know. I really need to think about this---I don't want to talk about it anymore right now" Well, not to be detered, I wrote it all out on paper, printed it out and gave it to her. My fantasies (broad overview) My ideas on swinging and how it would effect our marriage (the difference between love and erotic exploration) and I invited her to here. Being that I otherwise had one of the ugliest nights of my life, (not at all invloving my wife) we have not discussed it any further. All I really want to know is if she is willing to entertain the possibility. (I'm 80% sure she is, but she has issues to work through first)

[CB_n_Red]

A lot of the five years we spent talking about swinging before we actually did anything were actually periods of not talking about it of course. Red needed the time to digest the idea and work out just what she thought and wanted. Let us simply say that it worked for us. When the time was right and Red had decided she really did want to give it a try, all the potential problems had been well ironed out and we have had no significant problems ever since. Just lots of fun

So my advice would be to let your wife have her thinking time. At some point no doubt there will be suitable occasions for you to mention it again, but above all, don't push it! That would probably be a mistake. In all probability she will mention the idea herself when is is ready to do so.

CB (still feeling well worn out after last night at the club....)

[DBStPete]

It's not at all unusual for couples to spend a long time, years even, thinking about it. And if you push, it usually backfires. You just have to be patient. But consider this: objections are usually about fears, and fears are usually about insecurity of some sort or another. Do what you can to boost her security in you, your relationship, and herself. It will pay dividends.

Mr. DBStPete

[EvilMJ]

It's really easy to get excited when you have been given a glimps of what it is you want. But you have to give her time. Just because you are ready now, it does not mean she is. Women are raised to believe that there are just some things that you do not do, and are not supposed to find exicting or fun. At the mention of sex toys or pornography my mother would get upset and was adament that it was not something that ladies had anything to do with.

You can't just turn off your upbringing and values that your parents instill in you just because your husband wants you to. She has issues that she is going to have to work through first. In my case it didn't take long but other people may find it harder.

All I know is that by pushing things too much too soon you may be making her dig her heels in all the harder....like trying to walk a cat on a leash.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by DBStPete

It's not at all unusual for couples to spend a long time, years even, thinking about it. And if you push, it usually backfires. You just have to be patient. But consider this: objections are usually about fears, and fears are usually about insecurity of some sort or another. Do what you can to boost her security in you, your relationship, and herself. It will pay dividends.

This is excellent advice - push too hard, too fast and you're asking for trouble.

And this is just hilarious:

Originally Posted by EvilMJ

like trying to walk a cat on a leash.

Spoomonkey

[Hellboy]

Excellent advice all around. Its really common sense to me examining questions posed by others, but I have a hard time practicing what I preach. I am a little bit excited. It is her upbringing, for she is a preacher's daughter and the only two confirmed incidents of her parents actually having sex are at the conception of her and her brother. Her desire and drive crave experimentation and exploration. But her inhibitions hold her back. I and I am quickly learning that it makes her uncomfortable to discuss those things because it brings out the conflict. I am getting extreme mixed emotions and its frustrating the shit out of me. But we are alot closer than we have ever been. I get scared by words like 'never', though and maybe I shouldn't. Perhaps I should just accept that she feels that way in the moment. I think it also has to do with a bad experience in college where she was dating a member of a fraternity and thought she was in love and he wanted to share her around the fraternity. That really turned her off and opened up some issues with commitment. Not that she can't trust me, but that I am HERS and no one else's. Not in an overly possesive way, but she wants to give that back in return. By me setting that aside and telling her its okay throws her for a loop, I think.

On a positive note, we were discussing options for celebrating our anniversary and I mentioned we could go to Austin where we went alot in college and know lots of bars and she suggested a well known strip club by name as a possibility. Out of the blue. So that's good. She's still on board for that. With Thanksgiving and running around all day and the incident that happened here last night (ummm.....problem with the livestock) she has not had the time to talk about the letter I wrote. Maybe tomorrow. But I will not push.

[Fred&Wilma]

Wilma and I are still in the very early discussion/examination/inner looking stage. Her comments have fit into so many things I have read here it is down right scary. The whole thought/dicussion process is exactly as some of the female members have stated - "I was not brought up that way - but it sure does interest me" and they need to come to terms with that. Patience is virture, do you want your S/O to participate because you told them to or because it was a mutual agreement?

[Hellboy]

That's it exactly. And looking at the advice we have gotten, it all looks positive, but to me it feels like it could break either way. The wrong word at the wrong time and it could blow the whole deal or switch it into high gear. That's the frustrating part and now I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I could just pester her to death and use my powers of presuasion, but then it would feel 'wrong' So we all sit and wait, calculate everything we say and hope it all come out right. BTW, we had fantastic sex this evening and the letter is laying on her night stand. I asked her afterwards if she had anything to say in regards to it and she said she was still thinking. I want to believe she is really working it out, but a small voice is telling me she is thinking of the best way to let me down easy. Who knows? Only time will tell, but after what I have seen, it would probably be shocking if she said flat out no. I can also see a scenario where we meet another couple and she just doesn't feel it and that shuts her down for good.

I spoke with an old buddy of mine tonight and back in college we were very good friends. His wife is a little wilder than mine and when I told him what we did for my birthday last Friday (strip club) he told me he and his wife had done the same. I knew his wife before they got together and I know she was at one time bi and that her and my wife get along great. Hmmmm......I know I can trust them. . . . hmmmm.......It's a thought. I get the feeling my wife would be more inclined to do it in the moment than to plan it out to the nth degree. Perhaps.....

[TNT]

After reading all your post I have to say I think you might be trying to push a little to hard to fast. You seem to be moving at warp speed while your wife is moving at a snail's pace. You always go at the slowest person's pace.

Relax and slow down, let your wife set the pace or it's going to blow up in your face. You should be enjoying the journy and not focusing on the destination.

Teresa

[Hellboy]

You are in all likelyhood 100% correct. Being an impatient man, it is hard for me to accept, but I must. But understand that I vent about it here and am not putting on alot of pressure. I think about it alot and come here to unload all my ideas/thoughts on the situation. That being said, you're still probably right.

I'm not ready to 'do it' but I want to talk about it with her. We have 2 small kids and getting away for an evening is a bear. We are going to be moving soon (if I can find the 'right' house) and I need to get some things in order first (like get in better shape.)

Not to worry, I won't push. I'll take that advice and ease up a little. Thanks!

[vividpleasures]

Hi.
My husband brought this up to me about a years ago. The word "never" came out of my mouth a few times since then. We had one MFM, well, one confirmed and 2 unconfirmed. [Thats another thread]
The most important thing is not to push the issue. You brought it up, even to the extent of a letter. Now, leave it alone. I know how your wife feels. There are many questions going threw her head right now. Maybe send her a link to this site. I know it has helped me out a lot. After that, I wouldnt mention it again. Start focusing on her and your relationship. When she is ready, she will let you know. Also, if she does bring it up, dont get all excited about it. When she drops the issue again, be sure you do too.
It's a long road to travel for some, just ask my husband!
The Mrs.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Hellboy

Being an impatient man...

Hellboy

Just to encourage you - using the words "impatient" and "man" together in a sentence is often redundant. While we may not all have had to walk in your shoes, we all know where you are coming form!

The waiting - especially when things seem so close - can be really tough. I remember waiting for Mrs Spoomonkey to "catch up with me" for quite a few months - and I remember having to remind myself to be patient quite a bit. (Okay, I did it so much that it was a bit of a nutty mantra in my head... "Be patient... Be patient... Be pati... Maybe I'll drink a beer...")

I am glad that you are venting here - it helps you "cleanse your brain" and gives you the chance to get your bearings again. There is no need to point out that you are an "impatient man"... Most of us who are men - or have ever met one - understand exactly where you're coming from

Spoomonkey

[TNT]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

I am glad that you are venting here - it helps you "cleanse your brain" and gives you the chance to get your bearings again.

Dito , Let us be your venting ground.

Teresa

[Hellboy]

Thanks, folks. Its all good here. I am enjoying my sexlife with my wife immensley right now, so anything else (ie swinging) is gravy at this point. I am enjoying the frank and open discussion I get here and its been a big help.

[Suncouple]

If you are near Austin you might be near San Antonio.
Try a Saturday night here:
http://www.texasplayers.com
It is a fun, sexy environment. You can do some dancing and watching.
There is no sex there so she can relax, maybe.
Spend some time talking to other couples and let her talk to the other women.
I wouldn't expect that this will be the night, though.
Think in terms of six months at least form here.