How do we talk to our wives about swinging?

[shadyvirgin]

Hey guys, this is an awesome site. I started looking for information on this lifestyle a few weeks ago. After looking around I decided to register. Everyone seems so open and honest in all the threads I have read. Don't let the name worry you. "Shady" as in I don't want my wife to know yet that this is the direction I wanted to go when I said we needed something to spice up our sex life. "Virgin" as in I/we have been married for 8 years and have never had sex with anyone except each other.
Let me tell you what started this. I have a friend who brought up a swap at lunch a couple of weeks ago. In a joking way of course. But I was interested right away. We have talked about it several times over the weeks and I have to say he and I are very serious. My question is, how do we approach the women and are there any caution signs you see? I think both women are open minded enough that neither one would be offended by such a thought. If anyone is interested, please help. It is really bothering me - in a good way!!

[Alura]

Nothing can substitute for both you and your friend asking your wives how they feel about the idea. In fact, that's exactly how I'd ask Mrs. Alura:

"Sweetheart, how do you feel about fucking John and Mary Jones?" Of course, we've been playing for over twenty years.

You might start by asking her how she feels about group sex, or recreational sex, or swinging. Be sure to ask a question that can't be answered by "Yes" or "No." Wait for her answer before asking the next question.

Many folks have written about success in bringing their spouses to this board and talking about it. We're all willing to help.

Mr. Alura

[BradAndJanet]

Dito what Mr. Alura said. I can't add anything except to say, "Come back and let us know how it worked out!"

-B

[shadyvirgin]

I must admit I was very wrong. I slept on the couch last night.

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally Posted by shadyvirgin

I must admit I was very wrong. I slept on the couch last night.

I'm sorry to laugh at your misfortune, shadyvirgin, but I have to admit, I needed that laugh! If nothing else, you can know that you gave someone that really needed a laugh something to chuckle at.

As for your, ummmm....mistake in judgement...was she at all agreeable to talk on the subject? If so, you might want to approach things from the standpoint of fantasy talk. Otherwise, I'd advise that you leave her alone and not mention it again. Sometimes, given time to think about things and mull them over and over, some of us are more open to discussion further down the road. If she had no idea you had even thought of this, I'm certain it came as a rather rude shock to her. Often times, the reaction has more to do with the approach than with the topic. Let us know.

- EBF (sorry you spent the night on the couch)

[Brit_Pair]

Sorry to hear about your night on the couch . . . but Welcome to the board all the same!

[cpl4playmass]

Originally Posted by shadyvirgin

I must admit I was very wrong. I slept on the couch last night.

Bummer dude, well when it comes to talking again explain that you never want to hold back sharing something with her and you've had the fantasy floating around in your head.

Let her know that you've always been honest and don't want to hold back for fear of her reaction.

[stoutgatte]

Sorry about the night on the couch... But

I'd not totally give up, but please tell me you didn't ask her if she'd like to fuck the neighbours... My advice would have been way slower... Talk to her about the fantasy first, if she's excited in that at all take it to the next level. Now, I honestly think you'd still have ended up on the couch :slam"

Think of it as babysteps. When I first told my wife about my threesome fantasy she left me (we were still dating). I convinced her to give me another try, and when we talked about the fantasy again it ended up in a big fight, at least she didn't leave me that time, since we were married... You're getting my drift.

When we started swinging, she was the initiator

Now, don't pursue this if the message was a clear: "No way..." Let it be and come back to fight another day... Babysteps... And most importantly, you're marraige is more important than swinging, always remember that...

[Alura]

Sorry to hear about the couch, ShadyVirgin. I feel quite responsible for it.

When Mrs. Alura and I decided this relationship was a lot more serious than either of us thought or hoped for, we made the agreement that we would never become angry at a question the other asked. We also agreed that we would try to answer it as accurately as we could.

Since then, our communication has been so easy; we've never feared to bring up any subject.

Frankly, the concept of your having to sleep on the couch never entered my mind. Again, my apologies.

How did your friend make out with his wife? Did he ask her, too?

Mr. Alura

[WesternSwing]

Be sure that she knows it's not because you're bored with her and want someone else. She may be feeling threatened, and an angry response would be exactly what you would get.

Ask her in complete trust if she has ever had fantasies about other men, real people or imagined. Let her know that it is okay if she has, it's normal and not threatening because you know that you are number one in her life. You are the reality, they are the fantasy. Talk about her first, then let her ask you questions about it.

If she start relaxing a bit, introduce her to this site (at her own pace of course, don't force her to read it). Let her read what swingers have to say about it.

The number one thing about swinging is communication. And I can say that without a doubt that the level of communication between my wife and I has increased infinitely since we started swinging. We are better, closer friends then ever before. I've discovered that while sex between us is the best sex of all, it is not the only glue that holds us together. And away from swinging, we act like teenagers in love.

Mr. WS

[sensuality]

Did you tell her you'd already spoken to your friend about this? Because if she made you sleep on the couch,it sounds like she was both hurt and offended .Perhaps you are moving a bit too fast on this.When swinging first becomes a thought in your head, it can take many moons to become a reality.For me{female}, at first I went through the whole sanctity of marriage issue and how can it be okay to actually sleep with another person, yada yada...but I still wanted to do it ...so, I had to wrestle with that for awhile and come to terms within myself about things.Joining the boards has helped tremendously.I don't know about other women or men on here, but I think in the beginning, you do question a lot of things until you become more comfortable and really open your mind... Take your time,it could be years before she's ready...but if it's meant to be...it will happen .However, do not push her...you will lose out on any chance you might have had if you do .Apologize to her for talking to your friend first...you should've talked to her from the get go...before you even told your friend you wouldn't mind swapping,you should've told her about it.And then let her think about it awhile before even telling your friend you did indeed like the idea of swapping.
Buy her some flowers and take her somewhere nice and really work on making up for your lapse in judgement... we all make mistakes ...Good Luck in the future

[desert_dwellers]

Sorry to hear about your night on the couch ShadyVirgin. I hope you don't regret taking the chance.

I'm curious to know if you mentioned to her that you spoke with your friend about it first. Is it possible that she is angry about that and not the question?

[BradAndJanet]

Originally Posted by shadyvirgin

I must admit I was very wrong. I slept on the couch last night.

Ouch! I'm so sorry....

-B

[shadyvirgin]

Wow, she finally went to bed. I checked on my post a few times today and couldn't wait to respond. You guys rule!!! I'm talking "Budweiser True". I never expected such a response.

First, Mr.Alura, last night was not the first time I spent the night on the couch. It was hardly your fault. I have no idea if my friend has talked to his wife about this yet after he found out I was interested. I know they have talked about this before though. Tell me what you think about this: We have been having a cookout on the 4th of July for the past several years and there is usually at least 30 people here. She and I somehow wind up alone long enough for her to tell me she and her husband were talking about me/us the other day and asked me to ask her husband about it sometime when we were alone. Thats when the whole thing got going at lunch that day a few weeks ago.

EBF - I appreciate your response and am very glad I was able to make you chuckle. I can laugh at myself with the best of 'em. Mabye I will make you really laugh one day.

Sensuality - She didn't make me sleep on the couch. I slept on the couch because I was a little hurt. She called me sick. I do not think I am sick, I was just trying to be honest. I have not told anyone excepy you about my conversation with my friend.

I did find out last night for the first time that my wife is very insecure. She actually thinks that if I stick my dick in another woman that I will lose my mind and forget my way home. I mean there is a flip side to that. What if she gets some dick thats alot bigger and better than mine? And likes it. I am not worried that she will pack up and leave.

Before she went to bed we were talking about something and she said I was crazy. Then she said we had already established that last night. I said I was only trying to open new conversation. She said "I can't believe you want me to have sex with someone else just because you want to cheat". I told her I didn't want to cheat on her, i just wanted to have sex with almost every woman I know. That got a half smile and a rolling of the eyes. Then she said I am not getting into that with you again.

I wish I could type. It has taken me about 45 minutes(or longer)to type this. There is so much more to this I want to share with you, as well as respond to what you have written. I really do appreciate everyones thoughts and advice.

Thanks for everything - Shady

[mrs good times]

You poor sick bastard. I'm sorry we are getting a laugh at your expense but we just can't help it.

Telling her you want to have sex with every girl you know was not very subtle but if she smiled and rolled her eyes :rollseyes at that comment it sounds like she has a good sense of humor.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do next because I sure don't know what to tell you.