Husband doesn't agree with my boundaries

[chickster]

Hi all!

Just subscribed to the board and I must say that there is a lot of useful information here.

My husband and I are interested in playing with others and are very new to this whole lifestyle. He always said that have a threesome was a lifelong fantasy of his and I have to admit, it does sound like alot of fun.

My issue is that we have discussed this and I have told him that I am very open to the whole experience, but there is one line that I will not cross. I don't want to, nor do I want my husband having intercourse with anyone but each other. Everything else is fair game.

He has a real problem with that and thinks that I am not being fair by putting that restriction on him and has nixed the whole experience. We both have different views on intercourse. I feel that I only want that experience shared between us, he feels that intercourse is just that, fucking. No big deal. I understand his viewpoint, but still strongly feel the same about intercourse that it is for us only.

Help! This is something that could be fun for the both of us!

Thanks for listening,
Chickster

[Alura]

Your attitude is not unusual, Chickster. There are a lot of "soft-swing" couples who feel as you do. It is, indeed, a valid viewpoint in swinging. Some couples kiss, pet, perform and receive oral sex, just about everything short of inserting a penis into a vagina. Others do everything but kiss. It's a personal choice that each couple must make. Of course, your playmates need to agree with you.

Swinging is filled with compromises and perhaps that's the answer for the two of you. While Mrs. Alura and I agree with your husband, that "sex" and "making love" can have nothing to do with each other, it is necessary that y'all proceed at the pace of the slowest partner.

Besides, if he were to agree to your limitations, and find a "soft-swing" couple to play with, he might find in the future that you might throw your limitations right out the window after you become comfortable with the lifestyle and the couple y'all choose to play with. It's happened before...

Mr. Alura

[xlr8tr&A]

Chixster, welcome (from some newbies too) to the board. We have no experience with actually swinging, we are in the talking stage too, but it sounds like he has the wrong idea what this is about. If A (my wife) told me that for right now she was only comfortable with oral or fondling or whatever , but no intercourse, I would be "Woohooo - OK" with that because we get to experience something new and exciting together. I respect her boundaries, as I would expect her to respect mine. I really can't understand why he would get upset with you, other than he is acting very selfishly and not respecting your boundaries. From the great information we have gotten here, moving at the pace of the slowest person is the key, and he doesn't seem to get that. If I was in your shoes, I would have HIM read alot here on this board, talk about what you read, but if he keeps saying its all or nothing, then HE is definitley not ready for this, which means as a couple YOUR not ready for this. My rather inexperienced $.02. Good luck!!! X&A

[Brit_Pair]

First off, Welcome to the board Chickster!

Secondly, let us reiterate what Alura and xlr8tr&A have said. There are plenty of folks out there who don't go as far as swapping partners for intercourse, and it's a perfectly acceptable state of affairs. There are those who might press you to go further via a number of strategies, but at the end of the day, regardless of what others say or think, you must only go as far as you are comfortable with, and no further.

Which brings us to the subject of your husband. He must respect the fact that you view intercourse in a different light to him. Respecting the boundaries of others is, together with open and honest communication, one of the key factors in successfully integrating yourselves into this lifestyle. IOHO, his nixing the whole idea of you bringing other people into your sex life is a rather petulant reaction. The reality is, he’s actually spiting himself as well as you, since there is a great deal of pleasure to be had from soft-swinging encounters.

To put our advice in some sort of context, we’re soft-swingers ourselves, and just like you, we each have a different take on the relevance of intercourse. However, we allow our pace to be determined by the slowest person, which is why we’re still enjoying our encounters with other people. And as Alura points out, with some experience under your belts, who knows where you might end up?

[chickster]

Hi there,

Thanks alot for your feedback. I really appreciate your advice and I hope I can convince my husband to read your forums, as I agree with what you both have to say!

Thanks again,
Chickster

[hotcpl4unfla]

Hi Chickster, welcome. My wife and I consider ourselves relatively new, and have only been doing "soft swinging" for a year. The most important thing is that you are both on the same page. His being angry with you "putting restrictions" is unreasonable. You MUST establish guidelines and if you aren't 100% comfortable with them, there will be aftermath. Jealousy will arise, and if you don't talk it out, it could very well ruin your relationship. Just realize, there is nothing at all that says the first time you "swing" you have to swap. "Same room sex" is a very erotic experience with another couple. My wife and I love watching another couple have sex in front of us. We never swap, although the ladies engage in some play with each other. Just sitting back and watching is awesome too. Don't get in over your head by jumping into anything you're not completely comfortable with. You'd be surprised what happens though in the heat of the encounter. You may be so turned on, you may actually do things (or allow things) that you would never think to do while driving to the store. That can be dangerous. Regret after an encounter will cause a lot of problems. So make sure the rules are followed regardless. There are many other opportunities.

I understand what your husband means; although I am almost certain most women do not.

I believe what he means is that he can have sex with another woman and it will have no effect on the relationship the two of you have. In other words, the commitment you two ahve to each other to get through this world together will be unaffected by sex with another woman for him. I am assuming his belief if that you would also be unaffected by sex with another man.

In many ways, it is a little unfair to me that the woman gets to have sex with the other woman while the man only watches. We did that a few times. At first it was fine with me since I was happy to be a part of the threesome. But I soon realized that it needed to be fun for me too.

My advice, don't be so quick to judge him and give a firm no without first completely understanding what he is really asking. Remember, men communicate in very different ways then women do. Make sure you are understanding exactly what he is saying.

If I can say this without getting my head bitten off, there may be a couple of other areas you may want to focus. If he is desiring sex with another woman, you may want to seriously question how good the sex is between the two of you. That statement may be his way of trying to find more satisfying sex.

God Luck

[chickster]

Rich/Diana,

This whole experience is not just about me having sex with other women while he watches. I want to participate in the whole experience. I have no problem with him partipating as well. The one line I just do not want to cross is intercourse with someone else other than each other. He is the one who nixed this whole experience, not me, because he refused to respect my ONE wish, he does not want any of it to happen now.
The sex that we have is wonderful. This has been a fantasy of his that started long before he met me, so your comment about us having issues in the bedroom is totally false. If that were the case for swinging, that something was lacking in the bedroom, that would apply to all swingers reading this site. And I'm sure that's not the case.

Chickster

[Chicup]

We started out softswing only.

That got us mentally ready for full swap.

It really ISN'T that big a deal, but until you are ready for it it will seem like a big deal. After our first full swap the only thing that kept me from being really jealous/uncomfortable was knowing I did the same to his wife so we were 'even'.

Now it doesn't bother me at all, but I would rate our marriage stronger now then it has ever been (and its always been very strong).

[wrnakedru]

Hubby and I are a full swap same room couple. We don't preclude soft swap couples from those we might like to spend time with, but with qualifications. I.E. - we have no problem with starting off with soft swap with a couple, provided they have not erected a wall there.

And to be completely forthright, we'd far rather a couple restrict initial activity to soft swap than to attempt full swap when one or both are not completely comfortable with the concept. There's nothing that can take pleasure away faster than one who has attempted to accommodate falling apart in the midst of things. And it IS hard to know how you are going to react to something until it actually happens.

As a couple progresses into the lifestyle, they are well advised to take things slowly - - one baby step at a time. It allows for discussion at each stage - and adjustments to be made. Kind of hard to back up to wading in the shallow end of the pool, if the first step has been a jump off the high board into the deep end.

I find it more than a little short-sighted of your husband saying he basically wants it all or nothing. It seems he should realize he stands a far better chance of getting to jump off the high dive if he spends time wading until you too feel comfortable about the idea of the high dive. There's no guarantee you will ever want the high dive - - but I think it will be easier for you to consider it if you've already gotten wet while wading.

In other words, if you have learned from soft swap that no negative repercussions have arisen in your marriage - - and that you found pleasure [rather than pain or jealousy] in viewing his pleasure - - - you are far more likely to consider full swap.

Of course, too, you are speaking of a FMF threesome situation - -I have to wonder if he would be so adamant if the situation were a MFM threesome. What has he expressed regarding that? And how do you feel about it? If you are opposed to intercourse in a MFM threesome as well, you certainly need to be pursuing the "soft swap" scenario with other couples as your playmates rather than threesomes. I haven't seen any ads for those seeking a "soft swap threesome."

[wylie]

well....my 2 cents I guess. My wife and I are new as well and we have discussed a great number of "issues" regarding this very issue. While it excites us both to fantasize about the other with somebody other....we aren't sure how either of us will react in the moment. It seems that maybe your husband might have either not thought this through all the way or may have other motives that maybe he hasn't disscussed with you. How does he know for certain that he won't be the one freaking out when/if something happens? Seems to me that there is a definate step by step process that needs to happen. While neither of us have said no way to the full swap idea...niether of us want or expect it to happen on our first experience. Right now just the thought of playing around another couple in a sexually charged atmosphere does it for me. For her it's the thought of finally acting out some fantasies with another woman, whether it be full on going at it or just teasing the boys with the chance or thought of something happening. Of course eventually we would like to act on all of our thoughts but as in baseball you have to round first before you can go to second. I would be afraid of just jumping in with both feet. Too many things could go wrong, too many emotions to go through, ect. Good luck to you in your quest...as for us...at this point we'd just like to meet a couple and have dinner or something...lol

[NotsoNew]

I find it more than a little short-sighted of your husband saying he basically wants it all or nothing. It seems he should realize he stands a far better chance of getting to jump off the high dive if he spends time wading until you too feel comfortable about the idea of the high dive. There's no guarantee you will ever want the high dive - - but I think it will be easier for you to consider it if you've already gotten wet while wading.

We agree completely with this statement (I just couldn't have put it like you did!)

We are a full-swap couple that prefer same room but have also experienced different rooms. We have also experienced soft swaps as well. I too when we started was not sure how I would feel seeing my husband with someone else - it was all so new but worked out fine.

As many others on the boards in the past have said, move at the slowest pace of your partner. I don't really know how to take his opinion of "if I can't have it all, we will have nothing", but can understand that he has his own expectations as well.

I hope that you are able to get him to the website to see some of the advise offered. Good luck!

[PipeDreamer]

Enjoy the WHOLE experience when you FEEL like you want to. Your hubby ought to pull his head out of the sand and be thankful that you are considering ANYTHING to do with this lifestyle. He is GOT to realize, that if he is patient, his time we cum. Meanwhile, he'll get to enjoy things that most other mortal men only DREAM about.

My wife gets really turned on when she watches me with another woman. It gives her a whole new perspective on the sexual experience. She has even started taking photos.

I sense that when you both start getting into this, your views will change substantially - it wasn't what we thought it was going to be - it turned out better than we imagined.

Relax and take things at your own pace.

Hi Chickster
Yes I am new this whole thing and it sounds fasinating to say the least. I think if you do not want anyone fuckingeather of you except each other than just start out by letting someone suck your pussy and see where that goes. I can help you

[IndyGirl2004]

My husband and I are still in the talking stage too. Personally, I think soft-swap would be a good way to start out. Maybe, in time, we'd work up to full-swap. I imagine there's plenty of fun to be had just short of intercourse with a different partner. Who knows what can happen from there. All in good time.