Setting boundaries on first experience

[cyasoon]

We are new to the lifestyle and have not had any experiences yet. My question is, we have met a single male that my wife is attracted to. I personally don't mind who she picks as long as they are clean and civil. However this is where I run into my question. I thought our first experience would be with a couple. At least that is what I had planned on. That being said sometimes things don't happen the way you see in your mind. I am not sure that on our first experience that it should be a full swap. I guess the reason why is what if we don't like it? I have asked him if he would mind the first time we play if we choose to, if just oral would be okay? He says what ever we are comfortable with is fine but, he is looking forward to a full swap. Is this wrong of me? I have no problems with just oral but, not sure I want it to go to the full swap right off the bat. Trust me I have no doubts about a full swap later on but, think we should just ease into the lifestyle rather than jump on the first ship that sails by. I know my wife is really looking forward to a full swap but, will not push me if I say I am not ready. What do you all think about me asking him about holding it to just oral only? Is it dumb of me or am I doing what most would do?

[Edison Carter]

Susan here--Well, the first time Ed and I were going to have our first swap experience together he asked if we could handle some possible limits. For Edison, it was his first time in a group scene. Well, as soon as a male friend was going down on me and making me cum like a freight train, Ed got so into the scene, he couldn't wait to watch me being fucked. We, of course, indulged his wishes I expect the same will happen for you.

[hudsoncouple]

Although there are no "10 commandments of swinging"... a good rule of thumb that most people follow to make sure you both develop a healthy and long lasting lifestyle, is to move at the speed of the slowest member of the couple. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get your feet wet with soft experiences... both your SO and the couple/single you agree to play with should respect the concerns/requests/desires of the most conservative/new person. Slow, slow, slow... nothing wrong with that and you should talk extensively to your SO about setting your rules. You should only play with people that are willing to respect these rules.

"He says what ever we are comfortable with is fine but, he is looking forward to a full swap." Sorry, but I don't like him already... This is the definition of pushy.

Have fun and don't feel bad about going slow... that's how all good things happen.
Cheers, H.

[cyasoon]

Well to be honest with you, I felt it was being pushy to a point but, I figured hey who isn't looking forward to a full swap. I thought maybe I took it out of context. Our biggest challenge is we don't really want to hook up with someone in our area. We live in a small community and things travel quick. We just want to make this happen. We have a hard time agreeing on a couple is the hold up there. She may be attracted visually to the male but, I am not the female or the other way around. Or we don't contact couples because we think they may be out of our league. We don't put our pictures up on profiles due to our jobs. Mine I would just never hear the end of it. Hers, she would lose her job and it would make news somewhere. People just can't let others live their lives how they want to.

Thanks for the comments.

[curiousswingers]

Originally Posted by hudsoncouple

"He says what ever we are comfortable with is fine but, he is looking forward to a full swap." Sorry, but I don't like him already... This is the definition of pushy.

Have fun and don't feel bad about going slow... that's how all good things happen.
Cheers, H.

Dito

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by hudsoncouple

"He says what ever we are comfortable with is fine but, he is looking forward to a full swap." Sorry, but I don't like him already... This is the definition of pushy.

I've got to chime in with hudsoncouple and curiousswingers. Since this guy outright said he's looking for a full swap, he's probably expecting it and will be pushing for it.

Even if your wife is ready for it once the play has begun, you may not be. In a flash they may be doing full swap and you won't know what hit you.

I'd tell the guy you have decided you'd like to meet him first, just to get to know each other better - a 'no play' meet. See how he replies to that. If he drops out of sight or contests, you'll know he isn't willing to take things at your pace.

Another advantage to a no-play meet is that you and your wife can learn so much more about him face to face. You may not like the guy. It will also give you a chance to meet a swinger (sounds like you've not done this yet) and have time afterward to talk to your wife about how you each felt about the guy and whether you want to make a play date.

LM

[cyasoon]

Oh we have told him we want to meet him for dinner or something of the sort. We have told him there is no promise on anything happening at that point other than getting to know each other. He has said he understands but, in the same tone keeps "pushing" for setting a date to meet. I guess he is anxious or horny. We have totally different schedules and kids so we can't set anything in stone until sometime this month is all we know. I am about at the point I am going to end this before it ever starts. I just get the feeling something isn't up to par and frustrated.

I know I am new to all of this however I won't be pushed around. My wife is a quiet not say anything type of person. I on the other hand am very blunt and vocal. I have no problem speaking up or speaking my mind if that is what it takes.

All of your help has been great so far.

[JustAskJulie]

There's nothing wrong with doing what you are comfortable with. There is no reason for anyone (including yourself) to push you to do more than you are ready for. If at this point that is just soft swing then start with that and see how things go before you choose to progress.

One suggestion I would make, however, is to not lead him to believe that more is a sure thing later (it sounds like he may be thinking that from the comment in your first post). Let him know that you are taking things one meet at a time and that if things progress at all, they will be oral only. What you decide to do after that point will come after that point.

[SouthBond]

Go to a club and find an experienced couple to help you get started. We like playing with married couples are at least long term committed couples. The single guy would be fun for your wife and it would probably turn you on to see her having sex. You never know, your wife might become attracted to him and dump you.

[Chicup]

We started with couples, and for us that worked out for the best.

Assuming that there should be no jealousy at all is just wishful thinking. By being with a couple everything was 'even'.

Whatever you do never feel rushed or pressured into taking the first offer, a bad first experience is worse than no experience.

[spectraschain]

You never know, your wife might become attracted to him and dump you.

What? If in fact that would be the case, there are major issues here that do not entail swinging...
I would hope the "dumping" issue would be a non-issue by the time a couple decides to venture down this path...jeeeeeze......

[firefly69]

We are kinda in the same boat as ya'll, cyasoon. We haven't started yet either. We've decided to at least go to a party or two before we even decide to do this or not. We are actually planning to go to our first one this weekend and can't wait. We really want to get the feel of the whole life style before jumping in head first. It seems to me that ya'll are thinking the same way, but in our case, he is ready and I'm not. Good luck with it and I hope it all works out.

[Lovethenights]

We started our play in the lifestyle with a single man... I wasn't perfectly sure of how it would feel, seeing another man touching or even seeing my wife's naked body. Once we were together in the motel room, after a nice convivial dinner, we sat around chatting nervously until my wife excused herself to the bathroom. When she stepped back into the room naked and said, "Who is going to get my party started," I fell in love with her all over again. Watching her tease, touch, handle, torment, and be teased, touched, handled, and sti,ulated turned out to be the most erotic thing I could ever have imagined. Although we had agreed not to go to full penetration our first time, and she held herself and him to that, I was dying to see her spread open and enjoying him. I told her that later and she told me she was dying to take him inside too, but we were both so overwhelmed by the wonder and excitement and fascination of it, we forgot to say something to each other! Needless to say, our next time with him , we rectified that situation. My suggestion is plan ahead to go with what you're comfortable with and then arrange signals between each other to alter the plans on the fly if it's going one way or the other. You could end up doing more or you could end up doing less, but the big deal is you'll be doing something and getting your feet wet. If the lifestyle is as much fun for you as us, you'll never regret your first step and you'll thank yourself the rest of your life.

[BCinIN]

What? If in fact that would be the case, there are major issues here that do not entail swinging...
I would hope the "dumping" issue would be a non-issue by the time a couple decides to venture down this path...jeeeeeze......

Yeah, you would hope so. Everyone does. But the reality is that those of us that "make it" are far, far fewer than those who try this path and end up divorced or split up over it...problem is, they're not here to post the downsides. I have seen them firsthand.

Strong couples can usually handle it. But very few couples are truly strong (and most are much weaker than they think). I know an awful lot of people who ended up on the wrong side of the Lifestyle, though they went in saying "it's no problem, we're perfectly comfortable with the idea..." and such. Do you really think it's impossible to lose someone in this--even a strong someone with whom you have a strong bond? It's not. Two of the people I know did just that: strong, confident, comfortable, with strong relationships and loving wives...now they are single males. Don't take anything for granted.

[Ruff]

First of all I applaude you for being open and upfront about only wanting oral. Two of my worst experiences as a single male in the lifestyle was meeting 2 different couples with no intentions of any sexual intercourse between myself and the wife taking place but neglected to say so until everyone was in bed. Both times I was a voyuer and with one couple they waited until after I had a condom on to mention their agreed upon limit.
Since he is a single male I'm kind of surprised he'd use the term "full swap" since he obviously has no partner/spouse to actually swap. So I too would advise caution since he's coming sight unseen with the expectation of having sex with the female half as a possibility.