Personal Expressions of Affection in Email

[OhioCouple]

redhot_brat brought up something in another thread about where a couple used a "no-no" in their correspondence with them and others by using the terms of "I love you". (I am going to assume this was via e-mail closings)

I personally am very turned off by this sort of intimate expression. My husband believes that I am too sensitive regarding how people choose to express themselves. Following are examples of what we have received in both greetings and closings from people that we have either never met or have had relatively few meetings with (includes both sexual encounter and non).

"Hi ya Sexies"
"Hey Babe"
"Love ya"
"Hugs and Kisses"
"XOXOXOXO"

Is there not an etiquitte anymore when writing or conversing with people you really don't know? I am so turned off by some of the above that we break off any further communication (nicely of course) with them.

Certainly I use some of the above with my family or dear friends in correspondence with them, but I would never dream of it with someone that I hardly knew.

Am I prudish? Is this generally accepted as the norm?

Lori

[L&K]

Am I prudish? Is this generally accepted as the norm?

prudish! NO, sencetive yes, every one expresses them self in different ways, especially men. when they say these type of things it might just be to make you feel more comfortable. Once you get to know some one a little bit you can tell weather it is there personality or not that is turning you off. M is a big flirt, he has always been but when it comes to a woman comming on to him he has been known to run like a Dog!

Flirting is how it is met to be recived. Don't try to read between the lines too deep, you may be reading the worng things.

S. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" />

[OhioCouple]

I do not associate any of these as leading the way to a level of comfort. It reminds me too much of the cheesy bar scenes.

I much prefer to be addressed by my name unless it is my children (of course) or my parents, who have their own little "pet names". My husband refers to me as Babe or Sweetie, which took me a long time to get used to, but now if he calls me by my given name...I know trouble is on the front porch and I am turning the light on.

The verbage itself is not degrading to me, but for someone that does not know diddly squat about me and who who I am as a person, to assume that tossing out these sort of words would make me more endeared to them IS degrading.

Would you tell the cashier in the grocery store, your pharmisist or your mail carrier "XOXOXOXO, What a great job you are doing babe?" Would this make them feel more comfortable about conversing with you? I highly doubt it.

I don't think the fact that we are swingers entitles us, nor should it subject us, to this sort of loose conversation just because swinging may involve sexual interaction?

Just my opinion.

Lori

[BradAndJanet]

Yes, I think it's a little odd, especially coming from someone you hardly know. The casual informality would make me feel that the sender was rushing things just a bit and alarm bells would be going off in my head.

It could simply be that some people are unsure what salutation or closing to use, so they resort to the vernacular: "Luv ya!", "Ciao!", or the ever popular, "Later on, dude!" <img border="0" alt="[lol]" title="" src="graemlins/lol.gif" />

Cordially yours,
Brad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" />

[Alura]

Would you tell the cashier in the grocery store, your pharmisist or your mail carrier "XOXOXOXO, What a great job you are doing babe?" Would this make them feel more comfortable about conversing with you? I highly doubt it.

I don't think the fact that we are swingers entitles us, nor should it subject us, to this sort of loose conversation just because swinging may involve sexual interaction?

Just my opinion.

Lori

Well, Lori, if we were fucking our Mail Carrier, Grocery Store Clerk or Pharmacist, we might be freer with endearing terms, in private of course, than we would otherwise. The wife of one of our playcouples used to call Mr. Alura, "My sweet marathon cock." She seemed to enjoy calling him that so we didn't deny her the fun. It seemed harmless, if inaccurate.

Then, too, we wouldn't be fucking a casual aquaintance, so that wouldn't be an issue.

We would never say, "I love you," to anyone outside our family. It wouldn't be true.

Alura

[playwithme]

I find that I enjoy using terms of endearment for those we play with, but not the same ones I use for somebody I really care for a lot. Hubby gets babe, sweetheart, and the like reserved for him. The guys we've been with have used sexy, and gorgeous or darlin' to talk to me, and I have liked that. For them, I like to come up with some other name to use for them. Fro example, one guy we were with was in the Navy, so I called him "Sailor". It worked out well, and was lots of fun. When he'd call to find out what our hotel room number was I could say "Looking for a good time tonight, sailor?" And we'd tease him about doing our patriotic duty keeping the military happy, etc. Nicknames like this can be lots of fun, and avoid any confusion.

[JustAskJulie]

I have to agree with you Lori. I have a real problem with guys I haven't met emailing me and calling me "sweetie" or "babe" or saying the other things you mentioned.

However, if it's a couple that we are close with it doesn't bother me. Or someone that I have gotten to know pretty well in general.

Then there are those people who call EVERYONE "sweetie" or "babe" and until you realize that that's the case it can be a little unsettling, but once you know that it's just their general term they use for everyone (I have one friend that calls everyone "Hun"), it's no big deal.

I think the misunderstanding comes from people writing things and forgetting that it's very hard to read emotion in an email. Or to understand where someone is coming from. So they could mean "sweetie" in a completely harmless way (they all everyone that rather than using it as a term of endearment or possessiveness) and the reader would never know it.

[OhioCouple]

However, if it's a couple that we are close with it doesn't bother me. Or someone that I have gotten to know pretty well in general.

It doesn't bother me either with people that we are close to. Both sexual or non. I don't think a thing about it and am actually quite used to it. I feel the same as when my hubby addresses me by name, I wonder what is up if they aren't referring to me by a "pet" name.

Our close non-sexual related friends all use a more intimate expression when addressing us. This to me though is acceptable because it was "earned" (for lack of better words) through trust and friendship.

We have a couple of sexual friends that now use certain terms when talking to us, as we do them, but that level of comfort had to be reached first.

I also do not have a problem with these sort of words being used in the throes of passion, even with new partners. The only real stopping block would be to hear someone say "I love you", instead of something like "I love how you do that", or "I love how you look in the candlelight". Saying "I love you" is personal, where as the other comments would express what they love about their own current experience.

Once you put the clothes back on though and enter back into the real world, to use the same words would offend me, unless we were close enough that it is acceptable.

Lori

[Quin]

Well, Lori, if we were fucking our Mail Carrier, Grocery Store Clerk or Pharmacist, we might be freer with endearing terms, in private of course, than we would otherwise. The wife of one of our playcouples used to call Mr. Alura, "My sweet marathon cock." She seemed to enjoy calling him that so we didn't deny her the fun. It seemed harmless, if inaccurate.

Geez, I wish I knew if it was Mrs Alura or Mr Alura posting that because I just have this question that is about to kill me and I can't keep it to myself any longer.

So when you type, It seemed harmless, if inaccurate, are you saying that Mr Alura doesn't have a marathon cock??? Damn, that's gotta hurt! :ROFL:

Anyhow, I kind of side with Lori on this one. It's like fingernails against a chalkboard when I get an email from someone I don't know or someone I haven't established a *relationship* of any kind with and they call me babe, sweetie, and add a love ya or the XOXO thingie. If it's someone I know personally (whether swinger or not), have established some kind of *online* friendship with or family, it doesn't bother me and I will even use terms of endearment back.

I've always had a difficult time using a term of endearment to strangers such as babe or hon...but yet I have no problem referring to strangers who annoy me as bub. Go figure. :ROFL:
Quin

[Alura]

Often, Quin, we read the board together. When both of us are sitting at the computer and compose a post together, we sign "Alura." Otherwise, we specify either "Mr." or "Mrs." Alura. From time to time we make mistakes, though. Don't worry. We two are one.

Mr. Alura's "Marathonisity" is probably somewhat like beauty: "In the eyes of the beholder..." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" />

Alura

[Quin]

Often, Quin, we read the board together. When both of us are sitting at the computer and compose a post together, we sign "Alura." Otherwise, we specify either "Mr." or "Mrs." Alura. From time to time we make mistakes, though. Don't worry. We two are one.

Mr. Alura's "Marathonisity" is probably somewhat like beauty: "In the eyes of the beholder..."

Alura

Thanks for clearing up the Mr, Mrs or group effort thingie. I'll remember that.

Aaaahhhh I'll take your word on the *marathonisity* then. Tho I'm sure the Mr did grin at least a little when the woman referred to him as her marathon cock. That male thing, you know.

Quin

[Alura]

Aaaahhhh I'll take your word on the *marathonisity* then. Tho I'm sure the Mr did grin at least a little when the woman referred to him as her marathon cock. That male thing, you know.

Quin

Well, yes, it was ego-building. However, a person used to driving a classic Volkswagen Beetle might think 70 MPH to be fast but would see things differently flat-out in a Porsche. Not that I consider myself a Porsche, mind you, but the other husband in that foursome did have a bit of a "marathonisity" challenge.

I'm just an average guy, Quin.

Mr. Alura

[C&D]

I think the misunderstanding comes from people writing things and forgetting that it's very hard to read emotion in an email. Or to understand where someone is coming from. So they could mean "sweetie" in a completely harmless way (they all everyone that rather than using it as a term of endearment or possessiveness) and the reader would never know it.

I agree with that. Also take into consideration where you are from. It is not uncommon in the south to use terms like that with almost everyone. It is, for the most part, an accepted way of communicating with someone. And please, Lori, don't think for one minute that I am dissagreeing with you or suggesting that you are wrong for feeling that way. If it makes you feel uncomfortable then you should, by all means, say something about it.

Dave

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by C&D:
It is not uncommon in the south to use terms like that with almost everyone. It is, for the most part, an accepted way of communicating with someone.

Having been born in the south and the mass majority of all family members still reside there, I've never heard them use that sort of sentiment with someone they don't know. Granted you might hear a "honey" or a "sweetheart" now and then, but it is usually used when talking to a child. Maybe our family is just weird.

I will agree though that via non-verbal, confrontational communication, it is very difficult to distinguish what the writer means when using these terms.

Perhaps I am just a tad too old fashioned and feel that when corresponding with someone I don't know very well, I think any communication should go as follows:

Dear Lori and Gene,

We had an awesome time last night. Thank you for your hospitality and the conversation and of course the great sex!

We would love to get back with you again in the near future. Hope to hear from you soon!

Regards/Cheers/Sincerely,

Bob/Carol/Ted/Alice...etc.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As opposed to:

Hey Sexies!

Did we tear the walls down or what? You two are really a couple of babes! We could have f**ked all night!

Hope to hook back up with you soon! XOXOXOXOXO

Love ya,

Bob/Carol/Ted/Alice...etc

My concern lies more with etiquitte. Had something like the last come from a long time friend...no problem, but from someone that you don't know so well....that for me is a problem.

Lori

[C&D]

Really....Maybe it's just Texas then.

I certainly don't communicate like the last example though. Now I DO think that is out of line. I'm not so sure that it's proper etiquitte even with someone you know. I'm sorry, maybe I missunderstood what you were trying to get across.

Dave