She crossed our limitation of soft-swinging and had intercourse

[Larry & Michell]

We were staying soft swap, everything except intercourse. I was ok with absolutely everything with that limitation. But she went past that last night...she had too much to drink...I knew I wasn't ready to see certain things...I have to take some of the blame for not controlling the situation better...I always made it a point to tell any woman who I was eating, or who was sucking my cock "we don't do full swing"...she didn't...and at first I wasn't sure, so when they were done, I took her aside and asked if he fucked her...she said no...I said I was so relieved, I told her that thinking it was happening was ruining the night for me...then she went to the bathroom, came back, and said, she thinks maybe it did happen...OK, I can probably deal with that, he's aggressive, she's drunk...but then it happens again, she climbs on top of him...I knew I wasn't ready for that...it was so out of control...another guy there...It hurts so bad...Maybe in a few days I'll be totally over it...maybe I need to fuck a bunch of strangers...But right now it hurts so bad...I know a bunch of people are going to tell me its my own insecurities, I was asking for trouble, I want it to be all about me...whatever...It just hurts so bad...I know she loves me very much...Up till now I was planning on spending my life with this woman...It just hurts...so bad...

[TheSwingerSet]

I know there is not much I can say that will make things better for you so I will just offer some advice;

You need to talk to her now, tell her how you feel and what you are thinking. If you are able to talk things out you will feel better.
You need to take a break from swinging for a bit and let things cool off.

This is why heavy drinking and swinging should not be done together, people make poor judgement calls when they are drinking/drunk.

If I read your post right she then did it a second time? this was your mistake once your rule was broken you should have left imeadeatly. I know that sound harsh but that is what you needed to do.

K

[Larry & Michell]

I did tell her. I told her how much it hurt. I cried to her. She doesn't think it was that big a deal. It was a crazier time then we've had up until then...six people, maybe more...She said "You were eating her, You were getting a blow job from another"...all true, but I never crossed that line. Maybe that line was more for me then her. It probably was. But it changed everything for me. Maybe I'm just exhausted. I didn't sleep. Maybe 8 hours and I'll be fine. Or maybe I need to get some action on my own, to square my head away. I don't know...

[TheSwingerSet]

Larry, do get some sleep, let some time pass and then talk about it again.

I would never even think about getting some on my own to get back at her that will only make things worse.

K

[lovinher]

Personally I have never been able to figure out how oral is considered soft swing. In some ways to me it seems even more intimate than intercourse. Just my opinion folks-no need to go there. But given the alcohol and the oral going on I can see how the first time could have happened. But the second time was blatantly in your face betrayal. I'm sure your trust in her is zero right now but give it time. You both need to talk and talk and talk until this is resolved. In the mean time, all playiing should stop. Until you regain your trust in her this should be a no brainer.
Hope things work out for the both of you.

[Gladiola4u]

Sorry to hear how you feel, but I gotta to agree a little with loveinher, oral is very intimate as well. The bottom line is that a rule was broken and feelings are hurt from that, you guys need to sleep, talk, and maybe take a rest from this.

In a way you were not ready to swing because rules will be broken, I know it happened to my sex_slave and me, a few rules were broken but we talked about it right away so we knew that we were okay with it or if that was the end of our lifestyle.

Good luck on talking to her and be honest and tell her exactly how you feel, you mentioned you did that same night but if she was drunk not much sunk in obviously or she would not have done it again. Talk when she is sober and when you have had some rest.

[Chicup]

I can somewhat relate.

After our first full swap part of me was going a bit crazy with jealousy, the other part of me said 'Hey you just had sex with his wife, you are even, quit your bitching.' It took about a week of internal fighting, but losing that jealousy was the best thing about swinging.

My general observation is that women 'adapt' to swinging easier than men. Its genetic, we can't help it, we are programed to keep our women from having sex with other men, its a male thing.

If when we first full swapped, I didn't have sex with his wife, I think it would have been a lot harder to adjust to.

Honestly and I know this will go against the grain, I do think the best way to 'get over' it is to have sex with other women. This is good advice to get over a girl who dumps you, and the same mental dynamic applies here. Talking it out won't make you feel a lot better, logic only takes you so far, but doing it with someone else and thinking 'this isn't such a big deal' will help.

[havefuninsun]

The first time we swung, Mr. Fun said the least fun part of the night was seeing me with another man. This past weekend we played with some friends, and he said later the MOST fun about the evening was seeing me completely pleasured.

He's come full circle.

And Chicup is right -- I think men sometimes have a harder time. I have one friend who knows about our sexcapades, and he said he got the 3-some thing Mr. Fun likes, but he just couldn't see his S/O with another man.

Hope you feel better soon.

Oh -- and if it's not clear by now, revenge f*cking someone is NOT the answer.

[aahours1]

I AGREE with "THE SWINGERSET". You need to talk it out fully with the wife. Then take a break from swinging.
I, as a club owner, know what goes on with having to much to drink ans swinging. It does cause trouble and problems later. You make poor judgements and someone eventually gets hurt.
Do as "THE SWINGERSET" said, talk it out and take a break for awhile.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by havefuninsun

The first time we swung, Mr. Fun said the least fun part of the night was seeing me with another man. This past weekend we played with some friends, and he said later the MOST fun about the evening was seeing me completely pleasured.

Yes exactly.

When we first started looking into swinging, I thought guys who enjoyed watching their wives have sex were somehow 'odd'. I didn't want to see it. Now I'm more worried if she is having a good time than whats going on with me.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by aahours1

I AGREE with "THE SWINGERSET". You need to talk it out fully with the wife. Then take a break from swinging.
I, as a club owner, know what goes on with having to much to drink ans swinging. It does cause trouble and problems later. You make poor judgements and someone eventually gets hurt.
Do as "THE SWINGERSET" said, talk it out and take a break for awhile.

I'm afraid I have to disagree.

Sure time heals all wounds but I think avoiding swinging isn't the best answer, at least if the OP is anything like me. Something like this can fester and cause mental anguish for quite a long time. Taking a break from swinging is not going to make this go away, or make you feel better, its just going to be a time period where you hope you will forget. I know personally it would take a LONG time for this to just go away, and it would become a life long sore no matter how much time would pass to some extent.

Mind you I'm not saying go out and cheat, I'm not saying you should get revenge, but I am saying swinging and going in knowing you will full swap could help get over it quicker.

[catslaughing]

Sounds simple to me. You had a set of rules and those rules were violated. My wife and I have lines we do not cross, and we are both aware that things can happen that break those lines. We accept that nothing can happen in one night that can ruin our relationship but we are aware that things can occur that may strain it.

Now you have a few choices;
1. Stop Swinging
2. Readjust your rules so that you can both live with them

But let's make one thing absolutely positively clear, you cannot blame the alcohol. Alcohol can only be used as an excuse, not a reason for fault. Alcohol cannot make you do something you do not want to do, but for some reason we choose to let people use it as an excuse, that is purely bullshit.

[EvilMJ]

I think going out and having sex with other women at this point would be a mistake. If it were just a matter of you not being sure that you could handle seeing her with other men, then it might be a good idea, however that does not deal with some other major issues at this point.

1. The obvious lack of trust and respect. You make rules (I have no idea if this was together or not), you both agree to them, then when she feels like it breaks them, twice, even after you have told her it bothers you. Then she tells you it is not a big deal when you confront her with your concerns, as you were getting oral..etc. You need to feel you can trust your partner, and that they love and respect you. If you don’t have that, then things are going to get worse.

2. Drinking – as someone said it is often used as an excuse. If can honestly answer a question with “ I Think maybe it did happen” then you are drinking too much and are using it as your ‘get out of jail free’ card.

The point of agreeing on what you will and won’t do is so this very situation doesn’t come about. Someone feeling hurt, left out and betrayed. If she wanted to have full swap that needed to be worked out well in advance of even leaving the house. I don’t think the problem you are having is totally about seeing her with other men at this point, but this definitely isn’t the way to find out. When you are ready you can take that next step together
My favorite comment is that swinging is for fun, and if it is not fun then why do it. We all make mistakes, do stupid things from time to time, and since I can only get your side of the story at this point I can’t say how she felt. But from what I have read it sounds like she had her fun, and really doesn’t seem concerned that you were hurt in the process and used the whole ‘you were getting oral’ excuse as a way to justify her actions.

I think you need to work this before going further. It may take 2 minutes, or it may take a year but it is important to make sure you have the strong base of trust, respect, and communication before going further.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by Larry & Michell

maybe I need to fuck a bunch of strangers...

And maybe you need to be kicked in the head.
You don't need to fuck a bunch of strangers. How is that going to help you? Will it make you feel better to "hurt" your wife the way she hurt you? What if she doesn't care? Now who's the one hurting himself?

Sorry to be so blunt; I know you're hurting. We have made many startling discoveries since we started swinging, and one of the biggest shockers was that all the fears and hurts and pains we experience are of our own making. I don't know if it's "insecurity" per se. It's more about what you choose to believe. If you interpret your wife screwing the bejesus out of some other guy as a horrible thing, then guess what? It is. You are free to interpret your reality however you want. I don't think I can explain it but it's sort of a matter of taking your head out of the emotion and looking at things objectively. If emotion had nothing to do with it, would it look any different to you?

Now that said, I'm not exactly applauding your wife's callousness. Excessive drinking is never a good idea in a situation like that, even when your rules aren't so stringent. Because as EvilMJ said, it's like your Get Out of Jail Free card. I read a post once about a swinger couple who went to a "vanilla" party where the "cups were overflowing", and there was a whole lotta fuckin' goin' on. Oh, but they weren't swingers. No no, they "weren't themselves" that night, and it was the alcohol that made them do such bad, bad things. Let's never speak of it again...until the next party.

Bottom line: you had a set of rules, and your wife violated them. Period. Whether she thinks it's a big deal or not is irrelevant! What matters is she HURT you! YOU think it's a big deal, and that should be a good enough reason for her to NOT DO IT!

No more swinging for you! (saith the Sex Nazi). If she can't follow rules, she can't be trusted. You can't swing with someone you don't trust. She's got her work cut out for her rebuilding that lost trust. For now, stand your ground and the next time she tells you it wasn't a big deal, you tell her that it IS a big deal to YOU, and she needs to respect that.

[bigjoehd]

Here's my take on your situation,people put WAY TOO MUCH emphasis on rules & agreements & control instead of asking themselves what if?

These situations that all of us put ourselves in are not 100% controlable,things happen in the heat of the moment that cant be planned for,what happened had nothing to do with your wife's love for you it was about the sex which was why both of you got into the situation to start with,its why all of us do what we do isnt it?

I say you should learn from all of this & before you do anything else take a good look at the what if's?