new partner is not comfortable with me telling my husband the details of our playtime

[Julie69]

Hi to everyone here. I am glad that I stumbled upon your board!

I have a question for you all and would appreciate your advice since I am new to swinging.

I am starting to swing for the first time with a single vanilla man that is an acquaintance(not friend) of my husband, just for fun of course

I have come up against a problem. In one of our little discussions I brought up a subject that I found out my partner is not comfortable with. He is not comfortable with me telling my husband the details of what we do in bed. He feels comfortable with some level of privacy. So far I have been respecting his wishes and keeping the intimate details between me and him, and just telling my husband "the basics" of what is going on. By "basics" I mean stuff like when we have done it and others things such as where we have done it, and for how long, that we kiss and he likes to french kiss, that we have done oral on each other and mentioned various positions that we did ect, but I have not gone into the details.



My husband wants to know the details because it is a turn on to him but he says that there is "much more to it than that."
He feels that my relationship with this man is too much like an affair because I feel that I have to keep some intimate things just between my vanilla friend and me. I am doing this because there is my partners feelings to consider here.

My husband said that he never brought this subject up in the past when we were discussing that I swing with this man because he thought it was "a given" , that I would just automatically tell him the details.

My husband feels like it is his "right" to know the details of what we do simply because he is my husband that loves me. He can't understand why I would even want to keep certain things from him. He feels like I am putting the wants of my partner above his wants. My husband says to just tell me the details, and what my partner doesn't know won't hurt him, and in that way nobodies feelings are hurt.


I understand what he is getting at but I don't think he should have to know the details because someone elses feelings are involved and I feel that I have to respect him and those feelings.

My husband is not comfortable at all with me just telling "the basics" and really wants to know the details, but not to the point where he wants me to stop being with this man.
He said he will not push the issue but will wait for me to willingly tell him the details and he really hopes that I will.

So I have "pressure" form both sides here, from my husband and my partner.

Can I have your opinions on where I should go from here?
Should I should just tell my husband what he wants to know and just not bring this subject up again with my partner, or should I just stick with telling "the basics" in respect for my partners feelings?

My partner has talked with my husband before but doesn't want to talk to him about this issue because he is not sure if he can change his mind. He just doesn't feel comfortable with my husband knowing the details of what we do in bed.

[Joniko]

Maybe you should ask your partner to imagine himself on your husbands place

[Drknow]

Well, I think your husband is right and his wishes are paramount if the marriage is to prevail. Perhaps you should ask hubby if he would like to watch or be there. It sounds to me that what you have going is more like an affair than swinging. I think things are headed for trouble if you don't change course. Need to have a good heart to heart with your husband I think.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by Julie69

Hi to everyone here. I am glad that I stumbled upon your board!

I have a question for you all and would appreciate your advice since I am new to swinging.

I am starting to swing for the first time with a single vanilla man that is an acquaintance(not friend) of my husband, just for fun of course

Just a semantics thing, but I wouldn't call this swinging. This is more of an open relationship since your husband knows about it but does not partake.

So I have "pressure" form both sides here, from my husband and my partner.

Can I have your opinions on where I should go from here?
Should I should just tell my husband what he wants to know and just not bring this subject up again with my partner, or should I just stick with telling "the basics" in respect for my partners feelings?

My partner has talked with my huband before but doesn't want to talk to him about this issue because he knows that he won't be changing his mind. He just doesn't feel comfortable with my husband knowing the details of what we do in bed.

Who is your primary concern, your husband or your partner? If you have to think about that, then you have made a big mistake already. If your husband wants to know, you should tell him, if you don't want to lie to your partner, then you should stop seeing him.

Husbands wishes > partners wishes.
Marriage > casual sex

[Amanda69]

Well, I think your husband is right and his wishes are paramount if the marriage is to prevail.

Dito

I also agree this is not swinging. Swinging is about doing things that work for both partners in the relationship. It sounds more like you are having a regular affair with this man.

[MoonLightKiss]

I would have to agree with the others, this doesn't sound like swinging, but an open relationship. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, as long as both spouses are aware and okay with it. Its just a semantic thing like Chiccup said is all.

I can't tell you what you should do, frankly I am not in that position, but I can tell you what I would do. First, if my husband had a question, no matter how the other partner felt, my husband would get his answer. Second, if this other partner is wanting secrets kept from your husband, I would politely point out, that my husband and I have no secrets from each other at all, and I will not agree to such terms with "a guest" in my bed. Your husband is your husband, all others equal guests. Which means your husband comes first and foremost. Thirdly, if my other partner could not or would not accept this, he would not be my other partner for long.

No one, whether involved in swinging or in open relationships, should ask you to keep secrets from your spouse. If they do and they cannot respect you when you say you won't do that, then maybe they don't respect the relationship you have with your spouse. And for me, at least, if you don't respect my spouse, you don't respect me either. Which is an automatic bye bye.

Just my opinion, for whatever its worth.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by Juli69

My husband feels like it is his "right" to know the details of what we do simply because he is my husband that loves me. He can't understand why I would even want to keep certain things from him. He feels like I am putting the wants of my partner above his wants. My husband says to just tell me the details, and what my partner doesn't know won't hurt him, and in that way nobodies feelings are hurt.

Honey, who are you married to here? As your husband, he SHOULD have the right to know. When you are putting this other man's feelings at the same priority level as your husband's, it makes me wonder...what is the difference between this other man and your husband? Because the fact that you are married to one and not the other doesn't seem to count for anything.

When you don't make your husband's feelings a priority over this other man's - who has absolutely nothing invested in you beyond some good sex - you are choosing this other man over your husband. Think about it.

[NakedInSeattle]

I agree with intuition. You are putting this guy's feelings and needs above those of your hubby. BIG TIME. Additionally, if your "guy" can't talk with your hubby about any and all that is going on, then I think you're getting on to the cheating side of the "open relationship" that others of my erstwhile companions are referring to.

[lovefest04]

We agree with everyone else.

To be blunt, your wrong to keep things from your husband and in our humble opinions you are confused about this lifestyle.

First and foremost your marriage and your husband come first.

Imagine, heres a guy whose banging a married women with the consect of her husband and he wants privacy!

Pick a new lover.

[norcalcouple]

Like everyone has said, why is you partner's feelings more important than your husbands? It sounds to me that there is more to it than just sex betwen you and your partner....

[JTcamp05]

I think ......you need to be open about it....if the "other man" can't take it well then I guess he's the one not cut out for your kinda swinging...... I have a sneeking feeling that your the one who doesn't want to share your feelings...... could be wrong, but just a thought!

[Additude]

You are putting your husbands wishes at lesser value than your sex buddies wishes?

That's not good. I'm surprised your husband hasn't found you another man or put a stop to this whole thing.

If your husband wants to know, then you better tell him. If your BF has a problem with that then your BF needs to move on.

By not telling your husband the details at his request, you are putting your BF between you and your husband.

No two ways about it.

Now that you know that from myself and others here, if you continue to put your BF's wishes over your husbands then you are doing it intentionally and you need to consider where your aligence lies.

[oncewere]

In my experience it was dangerous to have an exclusive relationship with one other person. Spreading the pleasure out with others tends to minimize possible conflicts like this. For one thing, having many choices means that you don't have to worry about losing one bf when his quirks cause problems. There will be others to fill the void. Choices and variety are good.
Getting hubby invlolved sounds like a good idea too. Maybe you could visit a club and he could watch you in person. He could even get with other women and make this more than a vicarious experience. It may be more fun when he has details to share with you too.
The others are right on, as usual.

[DGrey]

I just have to echo what the others have said already. This really isn't swinging and you need to think about which relationship is the more important one to you.

E

[WesternSwing]

Julie69, here is my take on it.

I have run into this same situation with several single men that would like to get with my wife. They want a naughty girl to bang, but the idea of her husband knowing about it freaks them out. They don't even want a threesome, they just want to bang Mrs. WS. If they don't want a threesome, then they sure as hell don't get a solo act. I don't know what is running through their head, but it doesn't fly with us.

First, you are married to your husband, therefore he is your first priority. If Mr. Vanilla-friend can't handle that then he better hit the road. Yes, the situation you describe and what I describe above feels exactly like an affair to the husband or wife not involved in the sex. Although Mr. Vanilla-friend's feelings are involved, his are not what is the most important and should not be put above your husbands. You are putting Mr. Vanilla-friend's feelings above your husband's.

Second, you do owe it to your husband to tell him everything. As much as seeing this guy is a fantasy for you, you coming home to your husband and relating everything turns him on even more and is a fantasy to him. Swinging is done for both you and your husband's benefit, not just yours, which right now the way it is, it is all for your benefit. What's your hubby getting out of it? If it isn't what he wants to get out of it, then it needs to change. If it doesn't work for either of you, then it doesn't work for both of you.

Third, this relationship with Mr. Vanilla-friend should be on you and your husband's terms, not his. The moment he dictates to you what the terms of the relationship are, it's time to kick him to the curb. This is a blatant lack of respect for your marriage in general and your husband in particular. You shouldn't feel like there is pressure from both sides. If there is any pressure at all from Mr. Vanilla-friend then he needs to go. Period. There is no argument on this point.

I know you are probably infatuated all to hell with Mr. Vanilla-friend. We've been in your same situation. I've been in your hubby's shoes. Mrs. WS has had some pretty good crushes on some of her playmates and I know how it feels to feel like your playing second chair in your own band. We talked about it and she didn't even realize she was doing it. Now she recognizes the signs and makes sure it doesn't happen. I think it's cute when she has a crush on a playmate and I don't mind as long as I'm always number one.

You need to make sure your hubby is number one. In this situation your not treating him as such. This is more like an affair he knows about then swinging.

Now go give your husband a big smooch!

Mr. WS