Having Boundaries = personal hangups or jealousy

[Chicup]

There are boundries, and then there are rule books.

Boundies we have accepted and had fun with, have included, no oral, no kissing, and no full swap (three different couples). Those are fine with us.

If you need to check the profile mid play to see if you are violating one of their rules or not, odds are they are not ready to swing in my opinion. While it may mean the couple has really talked about it, its more than we would want to deal with.

We have had wonderful soft swap experiances but if the couple isn't sure they really want to be there, we would rather not be either.

[04kingpin]

Let me give you a REAL example of boundries that tell an experianced swinger that they are not 'ready' to swing.


What else would you like to say, do, see, hear about or learn about.
THESE ARE THE THINGS WE WILL DO IF THE MOOD IS RIGHT:
1]Explore female-female fantasies (no set limits)
2]Your man - kissing and above waste contact with me
3]Your woman - kissing and above waste contact with my husband
4]Same room sex (with spouse)

THESE ARE THE THINGS WE MIGHT DO:
1] My husband/Your woman - everything but intercourse.
2] Me/Your husband - a work in SLOW progress, but previously let another man perform oral on me (See above). No guarantees though.

THIS IS WHAT WE ARE NOT READY FOR NOW AND MAYBE NEVER:
1] Full swap.....


This is, shall we say, a red flag

No offense Chicup but doesnt this conflict with what you just posted?
Maybe I'm reading it wrong.

[JTcamp05]

I totally understand the need for new couples to talk about boundries, but if you NEED to have them.....there is a trust and/or insecurity issue in your relationship!

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by JTcamp05

I totally understand the need for new couples to talk about boundries, but if you NEED to have them.....there is a trust and/or insecurity issue in your relationship!

How so?

Spoomonkey

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by 04kingpin

No offense Chicup but doesnt this conflict with what you just posted?
Maybe I'm reading it wrong.

No because those are 'excessive' in their nature by our book and after meeting the couple it was very apparent they were not ready.

[MoonLightKiss]

When my hubby and I first started, we had some trouble setting rules for us. We had a list a mile long, for stupid reasons these rules were on it. Like no kissing. I said we could, he said it was too intimate and we shouldn't. What we did, was talk these rules to death, and accepted that if the other had a good reason, (not an excuse) as to why it shouldn't be a rule, then the other had to take the time to think about it and then respond rather than just automatically saying "no".

What we ended up with were a set of guidelines, and a set of rules. Then we ended up with just two rules. Stop, means just that. Stop. No ifs, no whining, no complaining then or later. Stop means something uncomfortable for one of us is going on, we stop and then we can discuss it later in private. Our second rule, is respect each and everyone in the room. That means our spouse and the other couple/single. As long as those two rules are followed, we do not forsee any problems.

Now, if we were too meet someone with a list a mile long of rules, I would have to say I would probably take more time to get to know them before playing with them, just to make sure they are not going to have problems. But I base this decision on other threads I have read by more experienced swingers. I have only had one encounter so I really do not know for myself.

[CuriousInOregon]

I dont know if it would be a hang up or not with rules, I think it depends on what they are and how new or experienced the couple is for example, If the couple has readilly admited that they are NEW (2 experiences or less In my personal opinion) I dont think that it would be Unusual to find their rules being a bit more Strict next to the seasoned pro that knows what they are in for. I know for us we went in with the asperations of ANYTHING GOES just because we did not want the hang ups to hold us back But if you see a repeditive pattern of Above the waist only, or none of this or Only that then I would be sensing RED Flags and would try my luck else where so in answering your question It depends on the couples experience levels as to weather rules will cause hang ups or not not

[04kingpin]

I totally understand the need for new couples to talk about boundries, but if you NEED to have them.....there is a trust and/or insecurity issue in your relationship!


WTF!!!

That is just a stupid thing to say

[CuriousInOregon]

i just dont know what to say to that, I think that each couple has their own rules or boundries so they need to find a like minded couple

[dezaray]

Originally Posted by good times

I think most people have some limits/boundries, even experienced swingers.

REALLLLY!!??

Originally Posted by good times

It has been our experience though, that if a couple has excessive amounts of rules and boundries they usually have issues like jealousy or insecurity in their relationship. Either that or they are just really new, we were like most others here when we first started.

Seeeeee, experienced people DO think that... so how do experienced people decide wich it is? Jealousy or new....? My SO has accused me of being jealous, and it REALLLY pisses me off, because I'm not. I KNOW what I do for him! I KNOW we share something that can't be replaced by some sexual fun. I just want to take things at my own pace, if he had it his way, the pace would be a LOT faster funny but not so funny, because it causes issues sometimes. As with anything new I'm about to embark on, I like to be informed and make good choices.

We're just realllly new, and I admit, the further we get into this, the more we talk, the more I learn about this lifestyle and other people's opinions/outlook on things, the more secure I feel in letting go of some of the original rules.... like only kissing each other.

I now see it's unfair to place that limit on my SO, (it's caused some discontent between us) however I'm going to reserve the right to refrain unless I'm SO turned on/attracted to someone that I feel I want to kiss them.

As far as other rules:
-We ONLY do this together.
-always condoms with penetration!
-I don't want other men cumming on my face, or anywhere near my crotch (for obvious reasons)

NEITHER of these above will EVER change, period.
Below, these are up for change possibly, in the future.

-No anal w/other men
-no rough stuff from new play partners, maybe down the road once there's some history established...

that's pretty much it

oh and we've agreed not to mix play partners with real life, although again, there are exceptions to this, and it may or may not change depending on who we meet, and how we jive.

Originally Posted by good times

excessive amount of rules created more problems than they prevented. Additionally, we spent so much time worrying about not breaking our rules that it pretty much got in the way of the fun.

I can see potential for that, which is why I gave up on the kissing thing. Would be off topic to get into explaining this one here... although I'm sure any seasoned poster knows all the reasons people, mainly women give for this rule. I'm sentimental and a lil old fashioned in a few ways, what can I say....

Thanks ALL!

TGIF!!!!!
Dez

[dezaray]

Originally Posted by 04kingpin

I totally understand the need for new couples to talk about boundries, but if you NEED to have them.....there is a trust and/or insecurity issue in your relationship!

WTF!!!

That is just a stupid thing to say

PLEASE don't say I'm stupid! I don't come on here and insult you because you have different views, please give me the same respect!

HOW in the world is a rule about always playing together, or always using condoms for penetration stupid? To each his own, you obviously have different views, and I'm not really interesed in the answer....

[dezaray]

Originally Posted by JTcamp05

I totally understand the need for new couples to talk about boundries, but if you NEED to have them.....there is a trust and/or insecurity issue in your relationship!

You are entitled to your opinion, ( i DID ask for it ) however I strongly disagree. I simply see it as someone WITH no boundaries, judging those that do have them. I don't care for being judged, it makes it seem like you think your better than me. you=general terms

2 of our main rules, boundaries, limits, whatever you want to call them:

-NO penetration w/o condoms.
I'm NOT in this to place my TRUST in strangers, sure to a degree we are, however to trust another man to fuck me with no condom is PURE INSANITY!

and

-We ONLY play together.
For US, to trust each other that one wont play without the other, IS about RESPECT, and honoring the relationship NOT jealousy or insecurity.

enough said

[BiloxiCouple]

Everyone has boundaries.

Someone here said that most of us are not true swingers because we have limits. Yet he had a limit that he wouldn't play with - guys. So he is missing out on 50% or so of the population. So are the bi-sexual people the only real swingers? Nah.

Then there is the new one I just recently saw that was about "fertility swinging". That's a limit for us.

I could go on. Not everything is for everyone.

I wish I could remember who gave me this quote a long time ago:

"It's not just about the sex, it's about the attitude"

I am here to make Elaine and I happy, if you happen to come along for that ride with us, then that is great also.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by dezaray

-We ONLY do this together.
-always condoms with penetration!
-I don't want other men cumming on my face, or anywhere near my crotch (for obvious reasons)

NEITHER of these above will EVER change, period.
Below, these are up for change possibly, in the future.

-No anal w/other men
-no rough stuff from new play partners, maybe down the road once there's some history established...

that's pretty much it

Dez, in our opinion, these are not excessive rules. These are all very common rules, and not many! Most of these rules aren't about being new or established swingers, either - they're common among all kinds of swingers.

As for the same-room / separate-room thing, many couples get very turned-on by seeing their mate getting turned-on. They enjoy and prefer watching their partner while they have their fun, too - so same-room is much more fun for them and what they want. This is nothing to do with insecurity. It's a preference.

To us, the no-kissing thing is a strict rule. We wouldn't choose to be with a couple with a no-kissing rule, personally. But, you've already stricken that off your list, anyhow.

Enjoy!

[NandTfromCA]

Originally Posted by dezaray

PLEASE don't say I'm stupid! I don't come on here and insult you because you have different views, please give me the same respect!

HOW in the world is a rule about always playing together, or always using condoms for penetration stupid? To each his own, you obviously have different views, and I'm not really interesed in the answer....

Hey Dez- Kingpin was actually responding to a post:

Originally Posted by JTcamp05

I totally understand the need for new couples to talk about boundries, but if you NEED to have them.....there is a trust and/or insecurity issue in your relationship!

With:

Originally Posted by 04kingpin

That is just a stupid thing to say

He/she just didn't use the right "tags" with the quote.