He Wants FMF, She Wants MFM - Compromise?

[Paradise19]

I'm extremely new at swinging; we haven't had any experiences yet and are trying to learn where to start. I finally had the "big" conversation with my husband about my interest in swinging, and to my surprise it went well. I knew that to warm my husband up to the idea, I should offer the idea of a fmf threesome first. He said great, but he'd only watch, no participation on his part. But when I tried to approach the subject of mfm or full swap, it was a definite no go. I still don't understand why some men have this double standard - they'll watch their wife with another woman but will refuse to let another man touch her. And that's what happens to turn me on! I'm willing to take things slowly as we learn about the lifestyle but how many times should I do girl/girl before I push harder for some couple action or mfm? How can I convince him that I want HIM forever and fun is just that - fun?

Still Trying to Learn the Ropes
Paradise19

[txduo2000]

Ours is a pretty simple philosophy: What's good for the goose is good for the gander, and vice versa.

Neither my husband nor myself would impose double standard restrictions upon one another in the lifestyle. It is simply not fair.

Your husband is struggling with jealousy and insecurity issues at the prospect of your being with another man. He is not threatened by any activity with you and another woman, so this is basically what it boils down to.

And the only way you are going to get past that is to communicate. Talk to him, let him know that regardless of what manner of threesome you two participate in, it is the two of YOU participating together with a third, regardless of gender, and that in your mind there is no more danger with one gender than another. The point to emphasize is that you are in it WITH each other .... not exclusive of each other, and that you wouldn't want it any other way.

[Uomo]

Originally Posted by Paradise19

... I still don't understand why some men have this double standards - they'll watch their wife with another woman but will refuse to let another man touch her.

Men who object to women swinging with other men are (in my opinion) emotionally insecure about their selves and their relationships. I never liked double-standards where women are concerned ... you certainly have reason to object. If you honestly want to have sex with another woman ... fine. You'll get some of what you want ... but not everything. It works. But if you having sex with another woman is something you are willing to do just to please your husband ... then I think it is only fair that you demand something in equal exchange. If not ... walk away from the bargaining table. It's his choice. Stand up for yourself.

[fairynbehr]

Fairy and I are also new to swinging and just had our first experience. We swapped with a couple that we have been friends with for awhile now I have know the women for a few years. I was very worried about the jealousy that I might feel. What if he satisfies her better then I can and all of the normal feelings that you might get. What I would say is make sure you just talk and keep the lines of communication open. But I would also agree greatly with Uomo that you need to stand up for yourself. It has to be a 2 way street to truly enjoy it.

[NCcoupl4fun]

after talking and figuring a way that you two can have fun without the jealousy issues,etc, which is the first step to swinging, in my opinion...i suggest you get together with a couple and basicaly incorparate a 4some...some girl play, MFM,etc...that way all can have fun and good experiances, of course the other couple would need to be comfortable with this as well.
for us this works best because i dont consider myself bi, "i have fun with everyone" is what i say, hehe. but this way we can all have fun without anyone left out.
hope this helps in any way...mauhs and good luck

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Paradise19

I still don't understand why some men have this double standard - they'll watch their wife with another woman but will refuse to let another man touch her.

It is not a double standard...

It's called a "comfort zone".

We are definitely not a "good for the goose, good for the gander" couple. For us, we have to be on the same page to move forward. In other words, I am not going to ask her to do something she isn't comfortable with - and I am not going to do something that I am not comfortable with.

If you are only going to play with other women as a way to "coerce" him into a future MFM, then you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Swinging works best when it is something you are both really into - and not a tit for tat sort of arrangement.

My advice is to simply go at the pace of the slowest runner. If you are comfortable and interested in playing within his boundaries, go for it. Allow his boundaries to expand naturally - as he becomes more comfortable. If you are not comfortable with that, then simply back off - wait - talk - find a common place to play, even if that is just the two of you.

Spoomonkey

[2inVT]

Not a good idea to go with the bi-girl-play just to get the hubby into swinging. If you WANT to play bi, that's a different story. If you're just looking at it as a way to get him to accept swinging - if you like it too much, he'll feel threatened; if you don't like it, you'll feel angry about it. Lose/lose.

And let's look at reality for a minute. There's a reason single bi-fems are referred to as unicorns. We've been swinging for 6 years, have yet to hook up with the fabled single bi-fem. I don't believe we've ever even seen one from a distance. (Not that we've been searching for one; but we'd play if we connected with one.) Perhaps you'll be the exception, and you'll find that perfect single bi-fem right away - I'd doubt it, but you never know.

[ANGEDKY(mr)]

I should offer the idea of a fmf threesome first. He said great, but he'd only watch, no participation on his part.

question, why does he only want to watch??, it seems odd to me for you to "toss him a bone" yet he doent take it....maybe a signal that something else is going on in his mind. look into his reasons for watching it may explain his unwillingness to even think about other scenarios. you know him best but for me this is screaming "maggies drawers"

[2inVT]

Originally Posted by ANGEDKY(mr)

but for me this is screaming "maggies drawers"

What?

[ANGEDKY(mr)]

AKA red flag.............. a military term used at the rifle range when a soldier or marine completely missed the target the red flag was raised indicating such miss

[2inVT]

OK, I get it.

But what do maggie's drawers have to do with it?

[txduo2000]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

It is not a double standard...

It's called a "comfort zone".

We are definitely not a "good for the goose, good for the gander" couple. For us, we have to be on the same page to move forward. In other words, I am not going to ask her to do something she isn't comfortable with - and I am not going to do something that I am not comfortable with.

If you are only going to play with other women as a way to "coerce" him into a future MFM, then you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Swinging works best when it is something you are both really into - and not a tit for tat sort of arrangement.

Perhaps my choice of cliches was improper in this sense.

I did not mean to convey that we are "tit for tat" in any way ... not at all. Just that neither hubby nor I would expect for our individual fantasies to be played out, while expecting the other to sacrifice their own fantasies for our individual pleasures.

The intent behind my post was merely that it is unacceptable, in our opinions, to enter into swinging without both partners being clearly on the same page as far as expectations are concerned. Coersion is never a good thing. Not what I was talking about. My intent was to advise the original poster that if they choose to get into swinging, they need to communicate each of their reasonings for their individual interests, talk about potential pitfalls, discuss their insecurities and find some type of agreement as to what are acceptable guidelines for them to have if they choose to enter into swinging.

Basically, I was saying that it is not fair to either of them, to enter into it at all if they cannot come to a cohesive agreement of some sort. She wants to play with men, he wants to watch her play with women. They are far from being on the same page, and therefore, too far away to actually make swinging a reality at this point.

Have many discussions people!!! This is not the sort of activity you fly into blind, hoping everything works itself out! You gotta be proactive.

[ANGEDKY(mr)]

just saying the diffrence in desires should be a clear sign to her to dig deeper....... its not a double standard more likely he has some (unknown)reason for not wanting anything more and red flags should be going off in her head

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by txduo2000

The intent behind my post was merely that it is unacceptable, in our opinions, to enter into swinging without both partners being clearly on the same page as far as expectations are concerned.

I figured...

And I didn't mean to point out your post negatively - the phrase just sort of stuck in my head as I was reading the thread.

You summed it up well!

Spoomonkey

[Coupleinidaho]

We wouldn't call this a double-standard. It's not as if he wants to participate with the other woman, he just wants to enjoy watching you enjoy yourself with her. Now if he wanted to participate, and then said no to MFM, that would be a double-standard. A husband watching his wife with another woman is one thing, but he and the other woman are not the same, and it'd be like comparing apples to oranges. A husband watching his wife with another man, now that's a different story.

I guess we're just not clear on your post in regards to if you're playing with this other woman is more for your enjoyment or his. If the former, then we don't see a double-standard, your husband is just setting his boundaries as far as bringing another person into the bedroom. If it's the latter, then some serious communication between the two of you is in order.