Wife's boundaries too restrictive!

[stupidnewbie]

As the wife and I get closer to our first playtime with another couple we have been having some serious talks. The other night I asked her what she felt would be "over the line". Man was I surprized! The particulars are not that importent here, but she is being MUCH more restrictive that I would have thought, almost to the point of taking all the fun out of the whole idea and giving me second thoughts. We have a good relationship and are very open with each other, but she literally floored me with some of the things she came up with. How the heck do I deal with it??

Hmmm, well trying not to go into too much detail, but give enough to work with. She has restricted it down to almost nothing but penetration,almost no oral or any of the really fun stuff, no kissing even... it's nearly opposite of what I expected (and what she has said before). I'm hoping it was just a mood she was in, but it has shaken me enough that I'm looking for advice!

[txduo2000]

If you haven't actually had an encounter with another couple/single, and you both still want to pursue this, my advice is this:

I believe you have to go with the highest boundaries that are set. So if your wife is setting boundaries higher than you, you have to go with hers. Yes, you might be giving up some things, but she is not having to take on things she is not ready for, and comfort is of the utmost importance.

Over time, it just may turn out that your wife's comfort level will increase and boundaries will decrease. That's what happened with us. When we were new we had much more stringent rules by which to follow, and as we became more comfortable in our swinging roles, those rules became less stringent, some completely disappeared to be replaced by entirely different ones.

You guys are new, and you just have to go at your own pace as you enter into this lifestyle. Caution at the beginning can save much pain and misunderstanding.

[Daddy'sGirl]

You know the reality is far different from the fantasy.That goes both ways good and bad.I would set extremely rigid guidelines for the first time just to ease into it.Trust me seeing your partner actually involved with someone is much different then thinking about it.For me the idea of my husband penetrating someone again is just NO WAY.Now kissing and oral I could live with.

[intuition897]

Newbie, we certainly understand the frustration. Like walking into the world's biggest candy store and being told you can have anything you like...as long as it fits in this thimble. Or like putting training wheels on a Harley FatBoy. lol.. I can just hear you now: "Aww, man this sucks!" But would you rather walk out of the candy store having not tried even that thimbleful? First encounters need to be somewhat brief and limited; it limits the number of ways we can hurt each other as two completely unique individuals explore a completely foreign concept. Neither of you knows how you (or, more scary, the other) will react "under fire". Setting rules and sticking by them is important in setting the stage. When your first encounter happens, what you wife will be watching for is just how closely you listened to her, and how much you respect respect her fears and feelings. Yeah, I know you respect her, but she's going to want to know just where her feelings lie on your priority scale. If you let the little head think for you (and believe me, he'll be at his most persuasive), he'll tell you that your sexual satisfaction is more important than some stupid rule that just doesn't make sense anyway! What I'm saying here is, while you might personally think the rule is stupid, why you are still going to follow it is not!

Sit down again with your wife and tell her that, while you will still respect any boundary she imposes, you'd like to understand why this act or that act is so uncomfortable for her? You might be even more surprised at her reasons. But don't try to persuade her to drop a boudary. Err on the side of caution and play conservatively. There are likely some boundaries that are going to be absolute for her, but also some that are more of a grey area. Find out what those are. Is it kissing? Oral sex? No touching/caressing the face? No eye contact? Another thing you could also try is setting up a signal system (kinda like baseball) while you're in the middle of things. If either one of you changes your mind about something, you can signal the other "No, don't do that (even if I said it was ok before)." or "Yes, go ahead and try that." Just don't make the signal thing too complex or a) you'll forget the signals, or b) your partners will wonder if you rolled in a patch of poison ivy with all the nose-scratching and ear-tugging etc.

Well, we hope your first play encounter is fun and relaxed. Don't let the idea of what you can't do interfere with the fun of what you can. Just remember to remember each other's feelings while you're experiencing your own and you'll be all right. Please keep us updated about your first encounter, too! We're all interested to see how things went

[BradAndJanet]

Dito what the others have said. These rules are reassuring to her and the most important thing you can do at this stage is support her by swearing an oath that you'll stick to them (and then DO that!) My guess is that as you have more experiences, you'll modify those rules a bit and she may surprise you as time goes by. The old saying is, "Men may be the ones to initiate swinging, but it's the women that keep it going."

You need to let her be cautious right now, or things may stop altogether. Patience.

-B

[LikeMinds321]

Good advice from all.

Another thing I think you need to be sure to do is communicate your limits early on to the people you are considering meeting.

LM

[xxoticangel]

We second (or third or fourth) what the others said. If there a rule that either one of you wants in effect make it a rule. Do not try to negotiate the rules that you have agreed to and DO NOT ever under any circumstances break a rule that has been made regardless of how drunk or horny you may be at the time. Even if your partner breaks his/her own rule you should still not break the rule before discussing it.

In the begining we had so many rules that we actually wrote them down and discussed them. Over the years the rules have diminished to very few and are treated as guidelines more than rules. No cross gender kissing was a big rule until about a year ago. Angel felt that a deep passionate kiss was too intimate and was uncomfortable with it. I on the other hand didn't care but followed it anyway. Last year we were with a new couple and at one point I was on the floor with the wife while Angel was on the couch with the boyfriend sitting on his lap and kissing while she slowly rocked back and forth. Since I love watching her kiss I was not upset but I didn't break the rule. We discussed it on the ride home and she admitted that it just seemed the thing to do right then and since she knew I would not be upset she went with the feeling. She also thanked me for keeping the rules in place even when she didn't. The no kissing rule is now history. No anal was also a rule that is not defunct.

If you stay within your set boundries in the begining you will develop a sense of trust and probably find that as you go along some of the more "extreme" rules will slowly go away.

[twoplayful2]

She doesn't know what it's going to be like, how she's going to feel, she needs those boundaries to help her feel safe and comfortable enough to get started in things. Just be patient and understanding, tell her the boundaries are fine however she wants to set them because you want her to be comfortable with it. If you push this any other way it will likely only have the opposite effect, it will make her feel less secure about the two of you getting involved and it will make her even more restrictive. Like exxoticangels example showed, you let her be the one who's taking the lead and she can feel secure enough with you that you're happy to follow and things will go much better.

I do find the restriction list a bit odd though lol. Penetration but no oral, kissing, anything like that? It's usually the opposite and you might have a really tough time finding another couple to go along with that one. Let her shoot for it though but if it's not working out then maybe suggest even more restrictive, that you just do the same-room sex thing where you're just watching the other couple while being only with your SO. See how that goes, maybe add some touching, etc.

[Alura]

There's certainly a lot to agree with so far in this thread. All suggestions are good advice.

Set your rules and keep them. Beyond that, we agree with Like Minds that you must be sure your playmates know and understand your restrictions.

Twoplayful2 pointed out that your rules might cause most couples to shy away for fear of breaking your rules in the heat of passion. As you two know already, finding playmates is not the easiest part of this lifestyle; the more restrictions you place on the playing, the fewer playmates you will find who are willing to become involved.

We would suggest that y'all put swinging on the back burner for now. There are too many limitations to discuss and you don't want to involve another couple until you are quite sure what your needs are. Concentrate on better development of your communication. Your "rules of swinging" is a valid and very handy tool for development of that communication. Use your improving ability to talk to each other for that purpose, not necessarily for play.

Also introduce your wife to this board. You might be surprised at how much knowledge will temper her reluctance to throw away the rule book as we did many years ago and replace it with only one law: No "Making Love" with anybody else. Recreational sex only! Once she joins the board and starts getting her questions answered, you might be surprised to find her assuming some of the responsibility for getting y'all involved.

Alura

[TeamSoBe]

It doesn't sound to me like she's saying "I don't want you doing these things", it sounds to me like she's saying "I want to be in control".

[stupidnewbie]

Well, it seems that each and every post has brought up some valid points. I have to say I'm impressed with the quality of replies! Thanks!!

We have continued to discuss this and I think her reaction was part of her getting used to the ideas of rules in general. With each other, we are very ... well we will literally try almost anything once, so when she came up with a list , I almost fell out of my chair. However the more thought she puts into things, the more reasonable she is being. Persoanlly I'm in no hurry what so ever, she has all the time in the world. I know that once she's ready to go... look out!

We went to meet one couple already and have been invited to a party. She has actually been prodding me along!

Oh yeah.. Today is our 20 year anniversary! WOO HOO!

[intuition897]

Wow, congrats Newbies!! Not only is a 20th anniversary a major accomplishment, you've both managed to accomplish it and maintain a really hot sex life to boot! Way to go. Hope you two have a great evening, and best wishes for another 20...and then some

[JnG]

Originally Posted by stupidnewbie

Persoanlly I'm in no hurry what so ever, she has all the time in the world. I know that once she's ready to go... look out!

This is an excellent attitude to have, and will probably get you pretty far. I know that when my wife and I started, we (well, mostly I) had a number of "rules" that we no longer have. After time, they felt like artificial barriers that didn't serve any purpose and we both agreed to let them go. We're still relative newbies to the lifestyle, but we've come a long way in the last year with no major problems.

The main thing is to discuss any change that comes up, before said change occurs. If everything is spelled out before-hand, you'll both be able to handle it with ease.

Originally Posted by stupidnewbie

Oh yeah.. Today is our 20 year anniversary! WOO HOO!

Congrats!

[xxoticangel]

Another tip that we found helpful.

On the drive to a play party we always did a brief run through of our rules. We also discussed "what ifs" and how to react or let the other partner know something was not quite right. Bouncing around ideas helped us handle situations as they popped up. Now we are comfortable enough to just go with the flow and see what happens but in the begining it was very helpful.

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by stupidnewbie

Oh yeah.. Today is our 20 year anniversary! WOO HOO!

Congratulations!