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So my wife and I started swinging a few years ago with her playing with a close male friend of hers, everything was good, we enjoyed the sex and started looking for others to play with, while it was exciting we didn't find too many couples to play with and only had a few experiences with another couple. She has continued to play with her first friend (when they see each other, as he lives far far away).

 

The problem lies in that she has broken some of the rules and while this upset me at the time we moved past it and agreed on a way to get around it (or so I thought). It has happened again where she has got 'caught in the moment' and broke the rules again, then lied to not hurt my feelings, when i do find out about it, it's pretty painful, again we talk through it, and seem to agree it can't happen again. Well, I have a suspicion that it has happened again, that she is lying about something, either to keep from hurting me, or because it is not a big deal (like lying that they spoke on the phone, which I don't really care about, but why lie about it?)... I am wondering if I should be snooping or looking for a lie or what I should do since confronting her doesn't seem to work...how does someone rebuild this trust?

 

Thanks for the help, just looking for other ways I can get her to open up so we can discuss this...

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She needs to cease contact with him immediately. She has broken established rules several times and has lied. Trust your instincts, as you know the tell tale signs of her lying. You and your relationship are the most important and until trust is regained, she has no business even talking to him. He is a distraction to fixing her bond with you. I personally don't know how I would regain that trust. It would be hard for me to put the deceit out of my mind.

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Sounds to me things moved from fun to an affair. Granted I do not know all the details but to me it sounds like you booth need to take a step back and see why this keeps happening. Womens emotions are very much tied to sex, so it is easy to see how a long term friend can make it easy for her to cross the line.

 

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I have to agree that she needs to STOP playing with this guy. She has proven that she can't be trusted with him, and that should be it. You shouldn't have to consistently work through her cheating time and time again. I think it's great that you've been so dedicated to your relationship, but she isn't showing the same dedication at all by breaking the agreements/boundaries.

 

Rebuilding trust is hard work. For each person it takes something different. I won't abide by cheating. If my husband EVER cheats, he knows I'm gone. If we can sleep with other people without cheating, there's no excuse for it, in my opinion. The fact that you're willing to work through it is great. :)

 

Somehow you need to make it clear to her that lying is not okay. If that means completely closing your marriage for a while, then do it. If that means that she just have to give up this specific guy, she needs to do it.

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It might help us to understand better if you could tell us what rule she broke and how.

 

Alura

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It might help us to understand better if you could tell us what rule she broke and how.

 

I agree. The advice you need is really going to depend on what rules were broken. Context means a lot.

 

"No closing your eyes when you orgasm" = Don't make such ridiculous rules

"No seeing him behind my back" = Houston, we may have a problem.

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As I was reading between the lines, I was thinking "texting" or "sexing". Some would consider this a rule violation; some not. I too am eager to hear from the OP on this essential detail.

 

 

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Hey all, thanks for the replies. There was one big rule that was broken and that was when we were visiting on vacation, she went for separate room fun with him and we agreed that they could fool around, oral ok, sex not. She was gone for quite some time and when she came back I asked if hey had sex, she said no (which I found out 8 months later was a lie), she didn't want to hurt my feelings, and didn't want to ruin our vacation. That said, I was able to forgive that transgression as I understand the heat of the moment etc (and yes, there were hours and hours of discussion for that one). That said, going forward it was expressed that there should be no more lies, but I never wanted to give an ultimatum, especially one that I can't keep (seeing as we have 2 young kids as well, and I don't think I could ever leave them OR her). So that puts us where we are now, they have had fun again recently and things went well, I am certain she is just not telling me about texting and emailing...and it's not that I need to know every detail, I just want to know it is happening so that my over active imagination (a blessing and a curse ;) can be put at ease...we have since had one discussion that got the ball rolling but there is going to be more to follow. We are both just finding that it is very challenging at times because an open relationship is difficult to compare to what we are surrounded with and what experience we have (this is our first time in an open relationship, no experience to draw upon)!

 

Thanks for all the help, and yes, it is tough to come across in written form but we are in this together and we are going to work it out, just need some advice and help on how to make it work for both parties involved!

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It seems to me that a rule, "...oral is okay; intercourse is not..." is one doomed to failure. You might want to rethink such rules.

 

Lying is not okay. There seems to be a reason that your wife fears to tell you the truth. Why is that?

 

Your situation is not what I'd call "swinging." It may be an "open marriage" but since you don't seem to have a playmate, I'm not sure of that either.

 

Until y'all are able to communicate about any subject with no fear of reprisal, I'd suggest the two of you stop all outside sex.

 

Alura

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We've got a "no mis-interpretation allowed" rule. There is NO SUCH THING as "other room play". Not for us. That's a mutual decision. Part of the fun, eroticism, is seeing the mate. If either of us were to disappear to another room, the other would clearly make known, within a few seconds... THAT'S NOT OKAY. If it causes a problem for anyone, it's time to pick up our toys and go home.

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Lying is not okay. There seems to be a reason that your wife fears to tell you the truth. Why is that?

 

Well, when she knows she breaks the rules of course shes going to lie. The question I have is: was shy lying about it because she broke a rule in the heat of the moment and felt bad? Or was she lying because she knowingly broke the rule and didn't want to be found out?

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Well, when she knows she breaks the rules of course shes going to lie. The question I have is: was shy lying about it because she broke a rule in the heat of the moment and felt bad? Or was she lying because she knowingly broke the rule and didn't want to be found out?

 

Does the reason matter? Either way she broke a rule and lied about it. And those two reasons aren't mutually exclusive. Maybe she felt bad AND didn't want to be found out because she knew then you'd feel bad too.

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Does the reason matter? Either way she broke a rule and lied about it. And those two reasons aren't mutually exclusive. Maybe she felt bad AND didn't want to be found out because she knew then you'd feel bad too.

 

Ultimately it doesn't change the fact that she lied and tried to hide what happened. It does mean a lot as to the state of the relationship though I think. If she knowingly broke it and lied about it, then it was a planned and premeditated act. Much different than feeling guilty after breaking a rule in the moment. Seems like a subtle difference, but I think it says a lot.

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Thanks for the help, to try and answer all of the little questions, yes, we have an open marriage and we have played with another couple (same room), and just haven't found another couple that we are compatible with! As for how the rule was broken, I believe her that it was heat of the moment, she has a hard time saying no when in that situation...we have since changed the rules to have either an 'all in or all out' format, we are either allowed to play, or not, no middle ground.

 

Again thanks for the help, you have helped put me at ease and have given us a lot to discuss!

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