waxing - for the girls

[kittyscave]

Okay, nothing serious or heavy here. But given some of our rece3nt discussions, I thought ya'll migh find this as amusing as I did.



All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
promises of easy,painless removal -
The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

Read on......

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind
for the next few hours:
'Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine
cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of
those 'cold wax' kits.
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips
together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them
apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and
you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?
I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically
inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together.
Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in
so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ?
('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin
extraordinaire?
With my next wax strip I move north.
After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the
bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my
bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the
inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!!
Blinded from pain!!!!....
OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIPP! ?Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe............
OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so
much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory
that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched I see the hair. The hair that
should be on the strip...it's not!
I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of
my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon
the toilet? I know I need to do something.
So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! ??
My butt is sealed shut.
Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think
to myself. 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should
melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of waror sterilize surgical
equipment - I sit. ????? Now, the only thing worse than having your nether
regions glued together,
is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...of
scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself
to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago
to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter ?'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued
together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but
she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is
located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.
I give her the ?rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of
the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax
off with a razor .
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water
and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally notice my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY STARS!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
'IT WORKS!!
It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE........ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color.............................

[JustAskJulie]

That is hillarious!! I tried self-waxing once and never could manage to get it to remove anything. I blame myself in that I don't think I like inflicting pain on myself as much having others do it (or doing it to others).

[petra6998]

Very funny...I think I read that somewhere before. I personally haven't done the cold wax, have done hot wax and that it hard to get off if it gets on something it's not suppose to be, plus the pain oh I hate it when I use it...makes me wonder why I do?? LOL