Waxing. Why You Should Always Rely on Professionals ...

[wrnakedru]

My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet.

I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of stringed instruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.) I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!

With my next wax strip, I move north.

After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. Yeah, it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply. I brace myself.

RRRIIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind! Blind from the pain! Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums? OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist.

But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where could the wax go, if not on the strip? Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!" And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of "The Tar Baby." I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake - up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet. I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor.

And then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass? Sealed shut. A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to [censored] anytime soon. Your head just might pop off."


I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next. Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong. I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit.

Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax. So now I'm stuck to the tub.

I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and labias are stuck to the tub." She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppress laughter. She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass - "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now. I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth."

While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!

In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other subjects) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from C and we hang up.

I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a moustache might start to come in.

Tonight, I attempt hair dying.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

I wish I could claim authorship of this since I think it is absolutely hilarious. It is one of those emails that is making the rounds and it seemed appropriate to post it here.

WR

[TNT]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Teresa

[CB_n_Red]

Okay.... now I've spayed hot tea all over the keyboard and monitor.....

You had me worried for a while though, thinking it was you suffering the torment!

CB

[DBL D]

Glad she wasn't trying to clean her navel. That could have been a Bill Cosby moment.

Male D

[EvilMJ]

!!! I was alternatining between tears of laughter and sympathy right until the end!! THank Godness it wasn't you....oh my...I need to rest now.

[HotCoupleGnS]

That was so funny! I spit my coke through my nose!

[mrs good times]

Holy Shit, I haven't laughed that hard in a week. But only because I had a similar experience just two weeks ago.

Why do we torture ourselves in the name of hairlessness. I bought the one that is a roll on and you heat it in the microwave. I did get the bikini area and pubic bone area, sort of, and writhed in pain on the bathroom floor holding my crotch. When I tried a little lower though I also found that no hair came off and it hurt like hell. Then I spent the rest of the evening with a hot washcloth to try and sooth the stinging that seemed to stay with me for days.

The worst part started just yesterday though, only two weeks since I tried the waxing thing. I now have 3 million in grown hairs where the damned stuff worked and it itches like crazy. At least I sit at a desk all day so no one can see me cratching my lower extremeties every ten minutes. I'm sticking to shaving because this waxing thing just isn't worth the agony.

[jcbicouple]

OMG! WR That was great! Thank you for a much needed laugh!

[ALilOEverything]

That is totally hilarious! Sounds like something I would do!

When I was pregnant I was going to be darned if I took a razor to where I could barely see or reach so I decided a short trim with scissors would be the best route. WOW was that a mistake. I was snipping along just fine and then I realized that the last snip had a little resistance though it made it through just fine. I looked down below and saw a trickle of blood running down my leg and a peice of my labia minora on the blade of the scissors The pain started to hit about a minute later and I took toilet tissue to stop the bleeding. The tissue stuck to the sore and I was so worried to bother picking it all off that it would bleed again that I just left it there. Now this was all in a prep to see my obstetrician of which she was kind enough to not say a word about it and I decided after that I didn't care what she thought of my nether regions. I made my husband do the trimming after that and it didn't get shaved again until after I had the baby.

Now Mrs. Goodtimes, I'm curious... did you do it yourself or was it professionally done? I've never done the waxing thing (except a prof. doing my eyebrows) and am considering it. I might have to think twice about it now.

[mrs good times]

Originally Posted by ALilOEverything

Now Mrs. Goodtimes, I'm curious... did you do it yourself or was it professionally done? I've never done the waxing thing (except a prof. doing my eyebrows) and am considering it. I might have to think twice about it now.

I did it myself unfortunately. We were planning our trip to Hedo II and I didn't want to have to shave everyday when we are there so I decided to try waxing to see how long it would last and to see if I would have any reaction like irritation or bumps. This way I could judge how far in advance I could have it done proffesionally before the trip. When we get to go I think I will be taking the bulk package of Mach III's instead.

[sepacouple]

this whole thread was hilarious sounding...............but with a very painful feeling to go along with it. Now you know what the disclaimer means "Do not try this at home"

[scky_cpl_4_bif]

Mr. SCKY can't believe we women go to such extremes! I, btw, just shave it off, about every 3 days or so.

~M

[Vespertine]

One of my close (gay)male friends convinced me to purchase a hot wax machine. It worked great for legs and eyebrows.

One night, after a few bottles of wine, he and I decided to wax my kitty- Brazilian Fashion. I have never felt pain like I felt pain that night. I was screaming at the top of my lungs. Not only did the wax rip out the hairs, but it also ripped off some of the delicate tissue.

My husband came in the bedroom to investigate the screams and found our friend kneeling between my legs, as I lay on the bed, blowing on my kitty to try to take the sting away.

This was before we started swinging, and hubby insisted our friend wasn't 'really' gay after all because he looked like he was enjoying himself too much.

[EvilMJ]

Originally Posted by Vespertine

.

My husband came in the bedroom to investigate the screams and found our friend kneeling between my legs, as I lay on the bed, blowing on my kitty to try to take the sting away.

This was before we started swinging, and hubby insisted our friend wasn't 'really' gay after all because he looked like he was enjoying himself too much.

Okay now that mental image just got me laughing all over again....I just love this place!!!

[DBL D]

Hey Ves,

While you're out changing peoples sexual preferences, would you be so kind as to change the time back to daylight savings time too?

THANK YOU!!!

Male D