Mysterious questions answered at last! Why women take so long in the bathroom!

[wrnakedru]

The topic of hygiene and it's involvement in this issue is why I have chosen to post this thread here.

The Question of Why Women Take So Long in the Bathroom

Only a woman will TRULY relate to the following, but it's fun for all!

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat. And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd go home.

That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied.

Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume "The Stance." Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale.

To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on-that's in your purse. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because you never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of diseases you could get."

And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China.

At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water.

You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point.

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here. You might need this."

At this time, you see your man, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. "What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed... this is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.

P.S. - The answer to the other question, why do women go in pairs? It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex.

A public service message brought to you by WR.

[akamgaxoxo]

Oh I absolutely loved this! Wow wee, this hit the nail on the head for me! This totally describes my experiences and the part of women going in pairs to the bathroom, is perfect!

[littlebit54]

ME TOO! Now they have those automatic seat covers (some places) that if you push a button will give you a fresh seat cover. The only problem with that is i forget whether you're supposed to do it before you sit or before you leave. So, i do it twice...oh my, how my Mother would scold me for wasting!

A couple of weeks ago we were out of town (thank heavens) when i had to use it at a gas station. No auto deal there so of course the toilet paper had to go on the seat.

I came out of the Baskin/Robbins which was inside the station and started to get in the car. A very thoughtful lady tapped me on the shoulder and whispered..."you have some toilet paper coming out of you shorts"...and oh my i never dreamed that would ever happen....I had to laugh and still do at how a little toilet paper can humilate you more than you'll ever imagine.

(Can't squat; never could, i guess i'm too short-legged to manage that art! Besides, it really urks me to go in a stall and see all that pp from the last person all over the seat and there's barely enough paper to wipe yourself let alone the seat;and what about covering it???...lol)

littlebit54

[hmr]

WR, do you have any idea the looks I'm getting from my dogs right now? They think I've absolutely lost what little mind I have left after laughing my fool head off so hard, I had to wipe the tears away so I could finish reading. Mrs must think I've totally lost it, she's upstarirs and I'm sure can hear me . Thank you I sure needed that laugh!!
mr hmr

[misterbates]

The toilet seat is probably the cleanest thing in there....because no human ass has ever touched it!!!!!! ...my wife does the same thing!!!!

[hfire269]

I never could get the "stance". Till Im squating enough to make it in the hole Im already sitting... bad part about being short.. or and forget trying that in port a pots..I swear they make them for giants..

PS.. The real reason why women go in pairs.. During the rennisance peroid , the Civil War and such times like that when the women wore many layers of clothing. all the petty coats and such. You needed an extra hand to hold up all you skirt layers and stuff so you could back into the outhouse or stall and such.. And then you needed some one to make sure all the petty coats and you skirt where down in the back and not showing something that you shouldnt be..lol Just thought yall would like to know