MWC with BWS

As some of you may know, we have a profile on Swing Lifestyle. For those who don’t know, on Swing Lifestyle you're not really placing a personal ad, you're filling out a profile describing yourselves, what kind of situation you're looking for, and the type of people you'd like to meet.

One of the most difficult things about this profile is coming up with a description of yourself. I don't mean a physical description, but rather a complete description of who you are, including your sexual orientation. A prime example of this difficulty is the reason for this blog entry.

I guess I shouldn't use the word "difficulty." It's actually rather easy to select which category of sexual orientation to place yourself in. You have a choice between straight, bi-curious, or bisexual. Swing Lifestyle doesn't cater directly to gay men or lesbian women, but they're not rejected out of hand either. The difficulty comes in later, when people are reading your profile, and deciding on whether or not they'd like to contact you. I've coined a new term for what I see happening. I call it "Bisexual Woman Syndrome (BWS.)"

BWS manifests itself in many ways. The most common, and most prevalent, is the married couple looking for the single bi female for both of them to play with. They have no interest in other couples, other men, or anything other than a bisexual woman - the younger and "hotter" the better. These people are great. They tell you what they're really looking for up front. There's no deception, no ambiguity, and no questions. Up front and honest - we like that.

The next most common manifestation is the couple looking for another couple in which the female is also bi or bi-curious. There are two main subcategories here: They either tolerate the male half of the couple but really aren't interested in him at all, or they are genuinely interested in including him in their playtime. There are other categories of BWS participants, but it's this first subcategory that I want to concentrate on - the ones who tolerate the male half of the couple but really aren't interested in him at all.

I could name several couples whose idea of a good time is the men sitting on the sidelines, watching the women go at it on the living room floor. If a male even looks like he might be thinking about attempting to participate in any way, the offending male is not only chastised, but the couple is asked to leave. You think I'm exaggerating? I watched a good friend of mine get yelled at by a husband because he reached over and touched a woman's shoulder, and asked her, "Is this alright?" They were sitting side by side on a sofa, and had been chatting and flirting for the better part of an hour before he dared to touch her still covered shoulder. The husband lurched forward and yelled at him to leave her alone. My friend jumped back like he had just been burned, and several of us got up and left - including my friend and his wife. Now where is the fun in that kind of scene?

Now if you think watching the women get it on, with no participation on the part of the males, is fun, then more power to you. We, on the other hand, believe that the lifestyle has to be about BOTH partners - not just the pleasure of one half of the couple at the expense, or direct, intentional exclusion of the other half.

Just say it like it is. If you're looking for just a female, don't advertise for a couple. If all you want to do is watch your lady get it on with another woman, then fine - go for it - just say so beforehand. If you don't want another man to touch your woman, you need to say so before anyone gets to that point. To be honest, if you're the type of man who would yell at someone like the husband in my example, you have some jealousy issues and insecurity to work out, and this lifestyle might not really be for you.

If you're a bisexual woman who isn't interested in a man other than your husband touching you, you need to say that in your profile. You also need to do a little bit of reflection on whether you're really bisexual or not. If all you're interested in is another woman, you might not be as bi as you think. Additionally, if you're not really all that into it, and are just going along with this kind of thing because he wants to see you with another woman, then you have some serious problems that you two need to work out.

Another manifestation of BWS is the couple who presents the female half as ‘bi-curious’ and looking for other couples, then automatically rejects another couple because the female half isn’t bi.

You may think I'm being facetious here, but I'm serious. It only takes a cursory look at the many different profiles to see that the overwhelming majority of women on some of these sites, whether single or married, list themselves as bisexual or bi-curious. That's not the problem - I personally don't care if they're bi or not. What I'm talking about is the almost automatic exclusion of anyone who isn't bisexual. Why so hostile? Aren't we all just looking to meet new friends and have a little fun?

I thought the lifestyle was all about inclusion, accepting people for who they are, and enjoying the company (physical and otherwise) of others in a friendly, sexy environment. If this is the case, then why the disdain directed toward those women who go against convention and dare to call themselves ‘straight?’

Now I'm not going to criticize anyone for his or her sexual orientation - that's not the point of this whole rant. I'm also not going to turn this into a bash-fest or a discussion as to whether or not anyone is right or wrong. Everyone is right and wrong at the same time, depending on your point of view. Sexuality is the most personal thing a human being can have - with the possible exception of spirituality. It's also intensely subjective, in that no two people think alike sexually. That being said, why does it appear that people who think the way I just described are such a small minority?

To begin with, I only contact people who specifically state in their profiles that they're interested in meeting couples. I really don't pay attention to the sexual orientation of the male or female, at first. I look at the content of their profile, and if I think we're pretty much looking for the same thing, I'll mark them as interesting, and go from there as far as contacting them is concerned. I don't bother to contact couples who indicate that they're only interested in a female - married or otherwise. Then I look at the sexual orientation of the couple. If the woman is listed as straight or bi-curious, I go back to the body of the profile to check it out again. If it looks to Lin and I like we’d all be compatible, I might contact them. Knowing that we do that, you'd be surprised at how many reply e-mails I've received from couples who advertise themselves as ‘straight’ or ‘bi-curious’ that basically say, "Sorry - if your lady was bi we'd think about it, but since you're both straight, no thanks." Huh? Ok, no problem - we'll not bother you again. But why don't you change your profile to indicate that you're looking for women, and that you’re not interested in the male half of the couple? I actually asked a couple that very question one time. His reply was that there aren't that many single bi women out there, so they're forced to advertise for couples just to meet bi women for his wife - even though they plan to exclude the male half of the other couple from the get-go! Now that's just wrong - on so many levels. It's dishonest, rude, and to be blunt, the profile is just an outright lie.

Honesty and trust, both within the couple and between couples, are two main tenants of this lifestyle, and you've already violated both of those tenants before you've even met anyone. You've shown your true colors, and you're going to spend a lot of time looking and not meeting. The lifestyle is a small community, and word travels fast. If you’re branded as dishonest, others will hear about it rather quickly. Couples who are interested in both members participating are going to give you the "Thanks but no thanks" reply. You might meet a few couples, but most of them will be one-time meetings once the other couple figures out that half of that couple will be shunned.

This is directed toward couples with bi women, who advertise that they're ‘straight’ or ‘bi-curious’ and are interested in meeting other couples: Just be honest in your profile. Listing yourself as ‘straight’ when you’re looking for bi females is just dishonest. To automatically reject meeting a couple simply because the other woman might be interested in your man and not you is pretty shallow. It's not all about you - it's all about everyone involved.

Our attitude toward bisexuality is simple: If you're bi, good for you. We're not, okay? There's no problem - really. We can still get together and have a good time. There may be other bi women at our parties, and there might not be - I'll tell you here and now that there always have been in the past. Feel free to play with one or more of them if everyone is agreeable. Lin will be glad to entertain your man while you're busy with another lady. Just remember that she isn't interested in playing with another woman, and has no interest in changing that fact.

We respect your sexuality, why do you have such a hard time respecting ours? I really don't understand this. We're not rejecting you because you're bi, and we're not interested in your being bi - why would you reject us because we're straight? I'd really like to know the answer to this one. Being bisexual means you like both sexes. Ok, fine - but do you really like both sexes or are you out looking for women exclusively? Only you can answer that for yourself, and it's your responsibility to advertise yourself accordingly.

Honesty - remember? Just say it! We won't waste your time - we'll move on.