Bisexual Paradox in Swinging: Bi-Bi if You're Bi

It was in the spring of 2002 when we first made the decision to join "the lifestyle" while we were talking one night over dinner. Both my wife and I had come to this decision separately after joking about swinging and its more idealistic cousin, polyamory, for years. We were and still are very comfortable with our bodies, our sexuality and our relationship and we felt that it would be fun and stimulating to extend our relationship outside of marriage.

One of my biggest surprises when we started our foray into the swinging lifestyle over three years ago was the role of bisexual men in swinging. In the swinging world, female bisexuality is almost required, with hetero females being tolerated. Male bisexuals, however, are pariah. Single and married men post ads and personals in which they tout their flexibility in sexual positions and their unerring inflexibility when it comes to gender preference. In other words, all women are "bi" or "bi-curious" and all men are "str8" or "very str8."

I found it curious is that swingers seem to be quite conservative in most sexual issues. They tend to be open only to the most mundane or "vanilla" of what are commonly held to be deviant sexual practices. Their deviation from the norm (the propensity toward trading sexual partners) tends to be their only deviation. In almost any other way, they seem are sexually conservative.

On that night in 2002, while sitting there discussing the possibility of swinging, even my wife suggested that we'd look for couples with straight males. Although she understood that I identified myself as bisexual, she thought that I'd be reluctant to act on those feelings. I thought of how hypocritical it would be of me to be open enough to have sex with another woman but not open enough about my sexuality to entertain the option of having sex with a man. I wrongly assumed that swingers would be welcoming toward all genders and sexual orientations. I found out immediately that I was wrong.

Our first day as new swingers-to-be was an enlightening one. I found a swinger's club within a couple of hours drive from our home, and we made plans to attend. When I told the host that I was bisexual, he warned me that advertising my bisexuality would be the end of our swinging experience. The fact that my wife was straight only added to our difficulties. I found several swinger bulletin boards, and found the same situation. On one board, discussion of male bisexuality was banned because of the controversy it stirred.

Determined to be true to ourselves and our potential partners, we decided to buck convention and openly proclaim ourselves a "backwards swinger couple" i.e. a bisexual male and a straight female. To my surprise, there are plenty of couples out there who are just like us, but lack the courage to come out to the swinging community. Where before we found "there are no bisexual men" we now find "I'm bisexual, but I advertise as straight because I get more action that way." In four years of searching, we've gone as far as having dinner with one couple, but we still haven't found anyone with whom we've built the rapport we feel must precede any kind of sexual activities. There's been a constant temptation to conform to the lifestyle's definition of what swingers are supposed to be, but we've held on long enough to see changes occurring in the swinger world. Lately there's been an upswelling of support for bisexual couples and couples with bisexual men. One site, BisexualPlayground.com has become a safe place for swingers of all orientations to find like-minded couples and singles to play with.

Have we actually "swung"? Not yet.

Do we regret the decision to stick to our original plan of honesty and openness? Absolutely not!