Question for Bisexuals

[Miss_Piggy]

Sorry if this issue exists somewhere else. I couldn't find it.

I was just wondering if any bisexual women (or men) felt it necessary to come out to people outside of swinging.

I realise that there are people out there who are completely out about everything. But I'm curious about those people who consider swinging private, do you also consider your sexuality private.

Personally, I feel like my realisation of my sexual orientation is separate from my interest in swinging. I seem to sway between wanting to tell my friends in order to be completely honest with the people I care about to wanting to keep the whole issue secret because it's none of their business anyway.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone understands what I'm talking about.

[fun_pairTX]

Mrs Fun is out to some family and a few friends. Where she usually draws the line is my business. While entertainment touts being as liberal as can be the results can be quite opposite. Consequently we keep our business and our lifestyle choices separate.

[Lorrie]

I'm a Polyamorous bisexual, and I decided to come out months ago to all my friends. Only two friends don't know about my lifestyle, but they will know soon.

As far as business goes, whether I tell them or not depends on what job I wind up having when I move soon.

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by Miss_Piggy
. I seem to sway between wanting to tell my friends in order to be completely honest with the people I care about to wanting to keep the whole issue secret because it's none of their business anyway.

Sometimes honesty can really hurt you. IMO. If it doesn't affect the relationship tht you have with your friends, I see no need to tell them. What would be the reason? Unless of course you are interested in one of your friends.

I made the misake once of telling someone close to me about our lifesyle (had nothing to do with my bi-sexuality) and if I could take that moment back, I would in a heartbeat. It forever changed our relationship in a way that hasn't been able to be repaired. As open minded as I thought this person was... I found out differently.

I do understand where you are coming from, especially when it comes to close friends. Some things are better left unsaid.

Mrs. O

[Elusive BiFem]

My sexuality and actvities are private issues for me and for a variety of reasons. Like Fun_Pair noted, coming out to people could have less than a postive impact on ones professional and personal life.

Having said that, I will admit that following my first "experience," I did feel a need to discuss it with someone. Unfortunately, there was no one I felt comfortable talking to about such personal issues.

That was quite some time ago, and long before I discovered this board. For me, that has been one of the benefits of having this board...being able to read and discuss various aspects of sexuality, including my own. The board has allowed that much needed outlet.

Discovering new aspects of yourself is definitely exciting, but I would advise that you wait before bringing it up to others if for no reason other than to be absolutely positive of your own sexuality. I certainly don't mean to imply that you are not, but I believe some people go through a bisexual "phase," so to speak. Curiosity maybe? If you are certain this is not a temporary or "phase-like" thing for yourself, the next step will be to weigh the pros and cons of coming out to others. Once it is out there, you really can't go back and say, "Just joking!"

You've really posed a good and thought provoking question. I'll be interested in others comments. - EBF

[Lorrie]

I can understand how it would be a lot more difficult in explaining to friends about being in the Swinging lifestyle.

With being Poly--the kind of Poly I'm in is pretty ordinary. It's not that unusual to have a main S/O in one's life but have sex with friends also--male and female.

But I still would be open about any lifestyle I'm in. The friends I have are eccentric and so not mainstream, that whatever I say probably wouldn't surprise them! Some of my friends are more "wild" than I am.

I'd also like to note:

For me, it's not about standing in front of my friends, making this big announcement after tinkling the glass; I mention my lifestyle where it is very appropos to the present conversation. It's a lifestyle for me, not just a pure sex thing; it's spiritual, emotional, philosophical....so if I kept it hidden from my friends, I would not always be myself around them. And I don't think I'd like myself for that. If my friends can't accept me for who I am and how happy I am, they need to go look for another friend because they just lost one in me.

[gsu22]

Personally, I think its a extremely private area in a person's life. I've had some "curious thoughts" in recent months but like EBF said, some people just go through phases and have to figure out exactly what their feelings are. And I think I'm in one of those phases right now.....and its hard for me to understand it. I've tried talking to bicurious or bi men about what its like and all they want to do is "hook up"....so I'm very scared to even think about trying it out. Also, if I was truly bi as of right now, I really don't think that I'd want to announce it to anyone. Just my personal choice though.

[fun_pairTX]

Some things just stick. As a gay bud once told me........Throw a 300 game and they don't call you a bowler. Get a few holes in one and play to a 3 or lower handicap and they don't call you a golfer. Get caught sucking a dick in the locker room and you are a homo forever................
He is quite a character.

[Brit_Pair]

Whenever a question along the lines of this one has appeared on the board, we've always given the same reply. We have always kept this aspect of our lives totally separate from the mainstream, and neither of us can imagine a time when that is likely to change.

As with EBF, our sexuality and our sexual choices are deeply private issues, and we cannot see what we would gain by sharing them with close friends, colleagues or acquaintances. Indeed, because of Society's often judgemental perceptions, we'd risk losing far more.

We've never considered ourselves deceitful because we’ve chosen not to reveal our lifestyle choices to those closest to us. A deception is making (or attempting to make) people believe something about you that is a lie. We're simply choosing not to tell them about a private aspect of our lives. Are we deceiving family or friends because we don’t reveal that we had oral sex for an hour last night? So why is deciding not to divulge that Mrs B takes pleasure from having sex with other women any different?

No one outside of those we play with need know about our sexual preferences. And that stance certainly doesn't affect the quality of the relationships we have with non-players.

[bear_n_bunny]

Originally posted by fun_pairTX
Some things just stick. As a gay bud once told me........Throw a 300 game and they don't call you a bowler. Get a few holes in one and play to a 3 or lower handicap and they don't call you a golfer. Get caught sucking a dick in the locker room and you are a homo forever................
He is quite a character.

I cracked up over this one. I'm not gay, but I've known, had as friends, and worked with many gays, and this sentiment is a common one.

Bunny and I, while we don't go out of our way to keep our swinging a deep, dark secret (I think the contractor who is remodeling our house knows, because one day he was here and we were discussing the job and I happened to be standing in the office, with my computer behind me. I noted in passing that he glanced several times at my computer and after he left I turned around and noticed that, at the top of the screen, in huge letters, it read SWINGERS BOARD. Oops... But I don't think he was overly offended.), but neither do we feel the need to out ourselves to all and sundry. In the final analysis, what our sexual proclivities happen to be are no one's business except those who are directly involved.

And let's be honest here, people. We can call this a "lifestyle" all we want, but the truth is, swinging is about sex. Or rather, it's the sex aspect that sets it apart. Otherwise, if you take the sex component away, all you are telling someone is that you have an active social life. Well, hell's bells. Lots of couples have active social lives, but not very damn many have sex with their couple friends as well as go out to dinner, movies, outdoor activities, etc with them. A nontrivial difference.

Or let's take Lorrie the polyamorous bisexual, who felt the need to out herself to her friends. To be frank, I find this sort of thing undignified (and likewise with gays and lesbians who also feel the need to advertise their sexual habits). Because after all, just as with swingers, if you take the "amorous" and "bisexual" parts out of the equation, all you are telling your buds is that you have an active social life, and that you go out with several people, as well as having one person in particular that you date most often. BFD. There are millions of singles out there who do these very things.

But, if you plug the "amorous" and "bisexual" parts back in, then you are also telling everyone that you are also fucking this group of people you date, and if any of them are of the same gender as you, you also enjoy demonstrating your ability to lick the chrome off a '57 Studebaker on that sweet spot between their legs.

This is what is known in the vernacular as "Too Much Information", whether you want to call the package a "lifestyle" or not. Unless, of course, you are looking to bed the person you are telling, which is a different matter entirely.

Now, we have some pretty avante garde friends, too, as well as those of the vanilla variety. But unless they are among the small group of people we enjoy having sex with, there is really no need to tell them that we play, or that we love our new sex swing, or that Bear loves eating pussy and plump women, or that Bunny...hmm, think I'll stop here before I get myself into trouble... It would be tacky to share that kind of information, or even that we swing, without there being a good reason. And the tacky element aside, as has been pointed out, there are also risks involved in providing "too much information" to your straight friends, relatives and co-workers.

As for Miss Piggy, I think you answered your own question, insofar as "being completely honest" with those you care about. It's really none of their business. Also, I would take heed of what EBF said about being sure you are bi. You don't say how old you are, but if you are only now "realizing" your orientation, it may behoove you to keep your own counsel until you are absolutely certain. I say this because every bi or gay person I've ever known admitted that he/she knew no later than their early teen years what their orientation was (whether they quite admitted it to themselves at the time or not; they still knew). If you do not fall into this category, I'd give this some serious thought before telling just anyone. As EBF said, a lot of people go through a bisexual "phase", especially if they are swingers. After all, if you are comfortable with your overall sexuality for swinging to begin with, you will find all sorts of sexual doors opening for you, many of which you may try. However, after trying them you may find that some are, in fact, not really your cup of tea. Something to think about...

-- Bear

[thump29]

I think that my sexuality is private and the only people that knows it is our swinging partners. We have really close friends that we have known for 10 years that have no clue about our lifestyle or my sexuality. We really feel that they have no reason to know what goes on in that aspect of our life.

[Lorrie]

bear_n_bunny:

When you say "too much information", that's a matter of opinion. It's not too much information to me.

When I see a nice looking woman, I may comment on her in a lustful way. That's the way I am with my friends; I don't know about you, but my friends and I are not formal with each other. We are open with each other. Call it undignified if you want. Whatever.

You really talk assuming everyone should be like you in manner, and if not, then people are crude or something. If that's the way you feel, so be it. But believe me, I would NATURALLY give my bisexuality away sooner or later. Call me what you like, but that's how I am and my friends are.

[bear_n_bunny]

Originally posted by Lorrie
bear_n_bunny:

When you say "too much information", that's a matter of opinion. It's not too much information to me.

When I see a nice looking woman, I may comment on her in a lustful way. That's the way I am with my friends; I don't know about you, but my friends and I are not formal with each other. We are open with each other. Call it undignified if you want. Whatever.

You really talk assuming everyone should be like you in manner, and if not, then people are crude or something. If that's the way you feel, so be it. But believe me, I would NATURALLY give my bisexuality away sooner or later. Call me what you like, but that's how I am and my friends are.

First off, if you want to carry on in such a, shall we say, open manner regarding your sexuality, then by all means, go ahead. Whatever floats your boat, darlin'...<EG>

After all, from the sound of it you run with a pretty bohemian crowd up there in New Yawk's East Village or wherever it is you hang out, where nonstandard sexual predilections are the norm. That being the case, you can probably get away with letting your sexual tendencies hang out for all to see without any adverse reactions to speak of. Compared to some people up your way, you are probably pretty tame. So, as you say, "whatever".

However, not everyone lives in such a, um, relaxed environment, and being overly open with one's sexual tendencies can have all sorts of negative effects; in the workplace, as well as with at least some friends and family members. This is reality. Deal with it.

And while I would never maintain that "everyone should be like (me) in manner", yes, in my not-so-humble opinion, people who let it all hang out about their sexuality are being crude and undignified, and for the reasons I gave earlier. And think about this; does your sexuality define who you are as a human being? To the point that you just HAVE to wear it on your shirtsleeve, so to speak, and tell everyone about it, the way many gays and lesbians do? If so, then all I can say is that I pity you (and them).

And make no mistake, when we are among our swinger friends, we can be as open as we wish about matters sexual, which I'll have you know is pretty goddamned open. That's one of the reasons we swing in the first place, so that we can socialize with people of our own mindset in these matters. But blabbing about it around just anyone, even if they are nominally our friends (but not swingers or the like)? Don't be ridiculous.

-- Bear

[yawanna]

Sexuality is a private issue...between/among the people involved sexually IMHO. I don't see that swingers are trying to gain acceptance from the community at large, as the gay movement chose to. Heterosexuals don't feel the same need or compunction for societal acceptance, since we are the governing sexuality. Bisexuals I believe are in the same boat as gays, but I don't see them organizing or demanding recognition or acceptance. Same with polyamorists...they do what they do and those close to them know or don't and 'coming out' doesn't seem important really.

As for friendships or family being advised about our sexuality, be it swinging or being bi, that's on a need to know basis I think and the need to know is based on a request made by one of them for further information and our response is tempered with a respect for their morality....how much is okay to tell them without crossing lines for THEM as in giving 'too much information'. I've only ever been asked about my swinger lifestyle after being outted by others. A sad state of affairs and malicious behaviour on the part of others (read 'ex boyfriend and one aggressive swinger couple we chose not to play with'). When even people in the swinger community can gossip and denigrate others for nothing more than placing an ad..it's just not safe to be 'out' about our swinger life and what our experiences, desires are or have been.

Caution for personal security, respect for others morality...that's how some of us have to do it..it's not totally our choice, except for the morality piece....that's out of respect for others.

[fun_pairTX]

Lorrie,

NY is the the polar opposite of a lot of places. While you feel comfortable where you are, you might not be so forthcoming in another setting. Texas where we live is very open and very accepting, but if you get to some other areas in the country it is not so. I am a musician and I play blues. I have had, in the past a concert picketed by bible thumpers because I play "The Devil's Music". Thank God that doesn't happen in many places anymore, but if playing the guitar can get you picketed what do you think swinging or bi behavior would get you. Probably a trip to the stake.