Should I tell my best friend about being bi/swinger?

[HappyMdCpl]

This question is directed mostly towards the ladies, but I welcome men to respond as well. I consider myself truly "bi" in the sense that I love exploring my sexual acts and fantasies with women, and also have "feelings" for women, in the same sense that I do men. My preference for porn is g/g, and I love embracing my "bi" side, and love that swinging allows this to take place, yet still stay in a loving relationship with my husband, who I love very much and wish to spend the rest of my life with, and have a family with. I am not sure if i would want a "girlfriend" in the sense that we are "dating" but my husband is very open minded if I want to explore a female fwb. Anyhow, I digress....

I have a best girl friend who I do also have some sexual feelings for. We are like sisters, and I feel that fantasy may be best left as a fantasy. But, sometimes the temptation is very strong. I love her as a friend so much, she is always hugging me and telling me she loves me and misses me. She wants "girl" time all the time w/ me. She compliments me at every chance. Its fun, we have a good time w/ it and I don't ever want to jeopardize our friendship. I think we both "play" with each others emotions and I don't think I would ever have the guts to "to there". My husband says the sexual tension is so fun to observe, and we chat and laugh after about the crazy things she says/does.

However, Lately, I have been getting turned on by her - one afternoon i laid down in her room to rest, and she came in and changed her shirt, and told me she loves going "braless" lately. I looked up at her, and she was looking at me seductively, wearing a very revealing tank top w/ her cleavage showing and no bra under. I was so turned on, and freaked out at the same time.

Last year (prior to swinging and being true to myself about my being bi), she invited me over to go swimming, and I was so sexually charged after I had to take a shower, and was fantasizing about her the whole time!

She has suggested "girls only" trips... and i pick up on many things that I can point to her also being bi.

I have wanted so badly to "come out" to her as a bi woman, and also a swinger, my husband jokes that "its not a matter of "if" but "when" with her. But, i think that is a fun joke and try not to take it seriously. I do find her husband also attractive, and would love to try swinging w/ them, ... but i don't think they would be open to it, and am too chicken to ask...

Anyhow, when is the fantasy best left as just that... a fantasy?

And, since we are "best friends" who tell each other everything, is it ever OK for me to be at least open with her about me being bi sexual? Does she have the right to know? Or is that something that I should keep to myself... ?

In a way, i am tempted to tell her, in another way, its almost more fun keeping it a secret..

Thanks for any advice here! Anyone have similar feelings?

[CXXC]

Oooooooo!!!!
This is a very difficult situation! I discussed your situation with Mrs. CXXC and came to this conclusion:

While you may, in the appropriate conversation, admit to your sexual proclivities, it would not be advisable to act upon them with her. Here are the reasons:

1. She may well be bi-sexual yet not comfortable with swinging, even if the activity were to be with you and you alone. The potential to ruin a friendship is too high. She may have thought about you in the same light, however, for some reason, she has not acted nor mentioned her being attracted to you in that way either.

This situation may well be a matter of her feeling and thinking the very same way you are. She too may be too worried to hurt the friendship with such forward advances. She may, on the other hand not feel or think as you do! It is a crap shoot. The down side would be, in action, you may well have hurt a deep and trusted relationship.

2. Fantasy is generally better than the reality! Mrs. CXXC believes that, with all the women out there who are admittedly bi, you should have no problem fulfilling your desires without taking the chance of ruining your friendship.

3. Swinging is all about open and honest communication. This fact alone would make any move toward the realization of your fantasy problematic at best. Let us say for arguments sake that you tell your friend. She in turn admits to you the very same feelings and desires. You both are left with no other alternative but to discuss this matter with your spouses. If you act without her husband’s approval (your Hubble already thinks this would be fun for you) you are enabling the friend to harbor a lie through omission and she will then be cheating on him. Cheating is against the core philosophy of the lifestyle.

Mrs. CXXC works with a few women with whom she would simply LOVE to play. She too shares your desires and thoughts with several ladies she has built a deep and loving friendship with. To her, the sexual tension and banter are enough to sustain her fantasies. The only time she comes close to enacting these desires is in our bed, in discussion to heighten the passion and fun of our sexual union.

Our vote? Don't! Friends are very hard to come by. Deep and true friends are even more difficult to find!

Good luck!

[Edison Carter]

Most 'vanilla' people are very much into their Systems. They have been rendered so inert by them, most will protect them and that means shunning anyone they feel is beyond the boundaries of that System. And Swinging is very far beyond those boundaries. My experience is that they simply cannot process the idea. That's it.

[HappyMdCpl]

Thanks for the great responses.

Im glad to hear im not the only one..

I probobly should have mentioned this already happened w/ another GF who was not a best friend, rather a newer friend who was actually hubbys client turned pals who came to our parties, bbq's etc.

The first time they invited us to their house, after knowing them for 2 years, and having gone to their wedding, we got way too drunk, and mistakenly opened up to my friend about swinging (we were just tossing the idea around at that time, as hubby and I were honestly having some relationship issues at the time which we realized were more related to his depression but i should note here, that swinging likely got us through this really tough time, be it good choice or not, i feel in some ways, it did save our marriage)... i digress...My gf opened up to me that night she has had 3 somes and believes all girls are bi. She really pursued me that night, and we made out (behind our hubbys backs) several times. It was really hot, and really passionate. (it was my official first time kissing a female). My hubby smelled something was up, and kept coming to check on us. I of course confessed to him on the way home (i was really drunk) and he was actually OK w/ it (a little offended at first, but later was glad i had the experience and was happy she opened me up to the idea of swinging and my bi side etc)... Her hubby was ok w/ it too, and ended up wanted a 3some w/ me (but wanted to exclude my hubby... i was not ok with doing it either way). I dont regret our g/g fun at all, but our friendship has been strained ever since, and I have no idea how to go back to being a normal friend after that, LOL, so i should know already from this experience, to avoid "going there" again. I honestly think she has thoughts that it might happen again, and since I now swing, i see no reason to "go there" w/ friends. I never was able to figure out how to tell her this w/o offending her. She called me recently for the first time since that night a few mo's ago (we were texting/emailing since)... and she said she wanted to get drinks and go out.. I hope she has nothing else in mind!

I guess i answered my own question as usual... but Sometimes i just need to have what I already know affirmed by others to smack some sense into me.

[DiscreetDesires]

The same scenario that happend with your original post, happenend to me about a year ago.
I had been friends with this girl since a child, lost connection and then re-connected as adults.
I came out to her about being bi since we were so close, and also told her that hubby and I were in the lifestyle.
I told her that she did not have to worry about me being bisexual or the swinging, but it was something that I needed to tell her so I was completely honest with her.
She took my being bisexual great, and she then admitted to me that she had always felt an attraction towards women, but had never acted upon it.
She asked questions and we had many long discussions regarding bisexuality, and in the course of time developed a closer relationship that involved sexual encounters between the two of us.
She never had an interest in the lifestyle, which was fine by me. It's not for everyone.
Her hubby and herself started having marital issues and at that time, I told her that it was best if her and I only had a strictly platonic friendship until the issues resolved.. that they needed to work things out without any outsiders and focus on their marriage.
They soon began going to some of the lifestyle clubs and joining the community that we are a part of.
I do not believe they got into the lifestyle during an appropriate time in their marriage relationship, but that is none of my business.
Our friendship and relationship with each other has soured due to other issues, but I would imagine that our involvement posed as a spring board to issues they may have been having already in their marriage.

Friends aren't the best to start a more sexual relationship with.. in at least my experiences.
Would I tell her that I was bi again, and maybe even a swinger?.. Probably so, but I wouldn't go there with her sexually.

I hate being dishonest to my closest friends, and for me that would be disclosing that part of me and my life. I just wouldn't go there with her.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by CXXC

While you may, in the appropriate conversation, admit to your sexual proclivities, it would not be advisable to act upon them with her. Here are the reasons:

I have to agree with this. As best friends, if you truly do tell each other everything then it's possible that you are BOTH holding something major back. It may strengthen your friendship to get it out there in the open. However, I wouldn't suggest taking it further either, because she is your best friend and it is a huge risk to take. Even if things went great initially (sexually) there are so many risks of things breaking down over the long haul and you losing your best friend, that IMO it's not worth taking it further.

[Edison Carter]

As they say, Sex will get you naked, friendship lays you bare.

[HappyMdCpl]

Thanks very much for the replies. I am on the fence about telling her still, but at least its reassuring to know Im not the only one out there struggling w/ this. As I mentioned in the 2nd post, i told another g/f and she took it as to suggest i was interested in being sexual w/ her. I guess, to a degree, at that time, I was. And, I need to check my motives before I were to confess to my bf, as I want to be sure its something I need to simply get off my chest, rather then be it granting permission for her and I to fool around... more and more... i think i should just leave things be.

[2LFM]

I think that is the best option. I am a firm believer of complete openess in friendships. If your friend is truely worthy of your friendship, she should be able to accept your sexuality and lifestyle. I dont think you need to come onto her, just tell her you are bi, and a swinger, and if she takes that well, then maybe, you tell her you are interested into her.

I have admited to several close friends that we were in the lifestyle, 1 of them I admited my attraction to, and one that we admitted we were both attracted to. We made it clear to all of them, that we just wanted to be open with them, be able to talk to them, that even the ones we were interested in, that we were not propositioning them, if maybe oneday something happened, then great, but for now, we just wanted our friends. And wanted to be able to be ourselves with them.

[biplayfulcouple]

we came out to some of our close friends (a non lifestyle but very sexual, married couple) and told them about our attraction for them. not only did they accept and embrace it, but they told us about their long time attraction for us. and here we are, living happily ever after. so yes virginia, there is a santa clause!

you all just need to have some serious girl talk and agree upon some things before you get started. best of luck!

[lradv]

Hopefully this doesn't sound too silly...we've used movies to gauge someone's reaction, something like say Mulholland Drive. You say she wants to spend a lot of "girl time" with you, maybe the right movie could help open up a conversation.

[Lascivious L&L]

Whenever this issue comes up there seems to be a polarization of responses. Some feel it's risky to approach a friend in any way sexually. Others feel that friendship, real friendship, means sharing who you are and not keeping something this important to you from your friend.

Is it risky? Of course it is. Friendship is risky, especially close friendship. It takes work and committment to keep a real friendship, just as it does a relationship, because that's what it is. You have to decide if you wish to risk a real friendship, or just an acquaintance friendship.

In my view of life, real closeness is not attained by not risking real openness. We all have nice acquaintance friendships where the friend really doesn't know you, the real you, the deeper you. To experience a deep friendship is a special pleasure indeed, but involves risking revealing the real you.

Remember that acquaintance friendship can have moments that feel very close. If you risk revealing, it can turn out to actually be just an acquaintance friend and not survive deepening. In fact exactly that may happen most of the time. Deep friendship is not easy to find. And you'll likely never find it if you're not willing to risk revealing yourself.

[HappyMdCpl]

Hi there, i just wanted to say a BIG thank you to all of you for these great responses. I am gearing up to admit to my friend about my "bi-ness" now that I am in a FWB type relationship w/ a woman, and feel it is best to keep my friendship w/ BF, and sexual exploration totally seperate. Wish me luck. I have a plan, i hope i dont chicken out, LOL. Hubby is behind me, i only hope she is understanding and doesnt judge me. But, then again, if it is more then just a acquaintanceship, it should survive this.

Especially to Lascivious L&L your post is simply stunning. Thank you for it. AMAZING advice and insight.

[appliancesex]

i know this is late, but i want to add a different perspective altogether. i doubt it matters anyway since you seem to have made up your mind about it long ago anyway.

firstly, you say that you can "pick up on many things that point to her also being bi," but how can you be sure that you aren't simply projecting those emotions onto her because in all honesty it would be so much easier if she was. what's worse is if she is a real closet case and feels that those same feelings that she has might make her betray her husband and she's been burying them for years. even worse, having a best friend (you) who is also bi could mean that the influence to do something outside of her norm would be detrimental to her relationship with her husband.

all that is assuming that she is in fact bi. perhaps an equally accurate assumption is that she is straight, and just happens to be really cool. i mean, you are best friends.

that said, i would argue against the sentiment that if your friendship is so strong, then it should be able to hold up under any circumstances. if you come out to her, she probably will wonder what your motives are. she might think, "why, after all these years, is she coming out to me? is she secretly attracted to me?" if she is straight (and i am only looking at this from the point of view as to me coming out to a really good straight friend), this could be devastating. if i were to put myself in your friends shoes (which are probably smaller than my own. just sayin'), it would mean that all the closeness you two have shared over the years would be put into jeopardy. questions like 'what did she really mean when she said this?' or 'what were her real intentions when she did this?'

these wouldn't be unusual reactions to have, and it could change the dynamics of your relationship.

i'm not saying that you should never come out to your friend, but i would wait until your intentions are pure. if she freaks out and asks you incredulously about your m.o., you could be cornered into telling her that 'at one time you were interested, but because you have a fwb, you aren't anymore.' that opens a whole can of worms because swinging might not be accepted to her at all either. it's just cheating to most vanilla friends i know.

these are just things i think are important to consider before you decide to come out to someone else. i think it's important to weigh the situation out like, do you value your friendship more or do you think it's more important to express your feelings toward her?

[HappyMdCpl]

Hi all - i wanted to come back to this thread since its still a huge issue for me. Funny how dealing with my best friend is more difficult (mentally for me) then dealing w/ my hubby and family .... sheesh.. lol

So - i never ended up telling my BF that i have a GF or that hubby and i swing (well, technically, i am in a poly relationship w/ my hubby and GF, and from time to time, the 3 of us play, but we keep it just the 3 for now)... I am too indecisive about it to feel comfortable telling her about it...

Also, i think i forgot to mention a important aspect/detail in my original post... about 2 years ago, my friend asked me to be in her will as 3rd in line guardian for her child, in the horrible event that she and her husband died, and then her parents and family also died. So, hubby and i are 3rd in line. I guess i have been thinking, since so much about my life has changed since she asked us to be his guardian (in that pretty rare chance that we needed to step up), and it makes me wonder and feel really guilty about not telling her.

I can tell she senses something is up. My GF and i are legit now, and my BF and i have grown apart a bit. I sense my BF may be jealous of my GF or at least wonder whats up w/ us. I have brought GF around a few times, as a "friend" only, but my GF wears rainbow peace sign earrings lol, and is from another country which is more sexual... she doesnt hide it as much as i do... I am terrified of BF finding out. she is very religious and conservative, and i am not that way at all now. I guess i am worried about what she would think if she knew the truth. I know she wouldn't approve. Even if she deep down were really bisexual.... which i think she is, but i realize that is a mute point now.

do i just leave things be? or tell her ?? ugh i am so confused.... this is hard.... BF is making me feel like what im doing is wrong, and i havent even told her yet. And, i can tell, my GF is a little annoyed that my BF consumes me like this. BF is amazing person, i love her and our friendship... but i feel like i might need to come clean to her... I just dont want to have regrets... we have a really nice, big circle of friends i dont want to lose. :/