Swinging as an option to explore bisexual desires

[nameofthegame]

Hi,

I'm 46 and my wife is 50. We have no kids. We've been married now for 13 years. We've loved every minute of it, and I think we have a good relationship. Since we married I have remained completely monogamous.

The problem is this: I'm bisexual. Before she and I met, I had several experiences with other men that I found really fulfilling. In fact, they were some of the best sexual experiences in my life.

Don't misunderstand. I *love* women. I love, and am still attracted to, my wife. But I'm also attracted to men. To give you some idea, when I watch porn, about 40% of the time I watch gay porn.

In the last few years, more and more I've wanted to act on those feelings. So, considering that I like both sexes, I'm thinking one possibility would be to explore swinging with her as a way to meet those needs without simply cheating on her.

Is this a common issue? What have others done?

Thanks.

[The Fuse]

First of all, welcome to the Board!! Thanks for posting.

If you were a bisexual woman and your husband were straight, I'd say this was very common in swinging. Since the situation is reversed, I can only guess. Male homosexuality tends to be quite closeted among many in the lifestyle. Female homosexuality is encouraged. There is a huge double standard, and you should be prepared to find that lots of swingers are not friendly to this situation. It will probably be more difficult for you to find couples to swing with, but I'll bet you'll find couples with the same needs and desires.

The crux of it, though, is that whatever works for you and your wife is what works for you. Hopefully you have spoken to her about this.

[Chicup]

If your wife is into you having sex with another man, then yes it can work.

Swingers tend to have few openly bisexual men, but they are out there.

I've seen a number of profiles where the man is openly bisexual, and even more where it seems to be written in code such as, he is very open minded , or, he will try anything used in places where it doesn't make much sense unless they are trying to convey more than their profile states.

A lot of swingers, us included, ignore profiles with bisexual males for a number of reasons, and because of this bisexuality for males is largely underground. Since these couples are often looking for heterosexual encounters as well they won't openly bring it up.

Since you are primarily looking for homosexual activity, I'd recommend coming right out and saying it, you really have nothing to hide here. In many ways it may make it easier as you can have a MMF or the like and find what you are looking for.

Good luck, hope it works out.

[nameofthegame]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

First of all, welcome to the Board!! Thanks for posting.

Thanks for listening. I really appreciate your reply.

Originally Posted by The Fuse

If you were a bisexual woman and your husband were straight, I'd say this was very common in swinging. Since the situation is reversed, I can only guess. Male homosexuality tends to be quite closeted among many in the lifestyle. Female homosexuality is encouraged. There is a huge double standard, and you should be prepared to find that lots of swingers are not friendly to this situation.

Damn. Of all places, I would not have expected that here.

Originally Posted by The Fuse

It will probably be more difficult for you to find couples to swing with, but I'll bet you'll find couples with the same needs and desires.

The crux of it, though, is that whatever works for you and your wife is what works for you. Hopefully you have spoken to her about this.

Yes. I finally worked up the nerve to tell her about my sexuality. I'm not sure how to ask her about looking into the lifestyle with me.

One good thing is that we live in the SF Bay Area, so it shouldn't be as tough as other places.

[realcplub2]

Hello and

First order of business is to talk to her, honestly about HER turn ons and yours. Its the basis for ANY attempt of venturing into this lifestyle. Open and honest conversations.

[slevin]

Best place to talk about it at first is discussion fantasies while having sex. It tends to be best to elicit what her fantasies are, work with that and introduce your fantasies as well. Get her excited about your fantasies, make your fantasy her fantasy. It's much more powerful to share a fantasy and make it happen than for someone to hear your fantasy and decide to help you make it happen.

It's unfortunate about the bi-sexual doublestandard, but it is what it is. It might be surprising within the swinging community, but it's a reflection of general society I think. It's generally considered 'cool' and attractive for a woman to be bi-sexual, but not for men. As others have said, be clear about what it is you're looking for and you'll find it easier. All those bi-sexual men out there will be finding you and happy to find a couple who are up front about what they want.

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by nameofthegame

I'm 46 and my wife is 50. We have no kids. We've been married now for 13 years. We've loved every minute of it, and I think we have a good relationship. Since we married I have remained completely monogamous.

Welcome to the Swingers Board

The problem is this: I'm bisexual. Before she and I met, I had several experiences with other men that I found really fulfilling. In fact, they were some of the best sexual experiences in my life.

We talk about many alternative lifestyles here. Thats how I see it, we are swingers. We live an alternative lifestyle with some things being in our zone and others are just different. This is an open discussion board, so that means you will get viewpoints from all people. Some you may relate to and others may seem conflicting or even viewpoints you may disagree with. You have the choice to listen to some and ignore the others. I like to keep an open mind to all responses.

Don't misunderstand. I *love* women. I love, and am still attracted to, my wife. But I'm also attracted to men. To give you some idea, when I watch porn, about 40% of the time I watch gay porn.

I have learned from my wife, Mrs fun.. Bisexuality can be complex to say the least. Being a straight male, with a bisexual wife. I can say it's not all goody goody for me. Don't get me wrong. I have had some of the best experiences sexually with two and more women. There is allot more to it than just the extraordinary sex. My wife can have feelings for both sexes. Not just sexual, but emotional as well. There is a big difference there. Most men I have found, just like the girls gone wild sex. Many men I have seen love that part Then, cant handle their partners having any kind of attachments that go farther. You would be surprised in real life the relationships that strain over this. Men who are jealous over their wives special attachments, to other women. Its all good when they are in the middle of this. As allot of women start this way. I have always viewed bisexuality as an issue with many levels.

Sorry, I have questions. I'll bet your wife has even more .

Do you enjoy just the sexual aspect of this ?

Is this something you have felt emotional attachments, to the men you have been with or someone you currently have in your life ?

Do you feel your wife would be turned on by the sight of you having sex with another man ?

What if she is not present ?

Like I say, it can be complex. I don't speak out of bisexual experience personally. But rather from the experience of having a bisexual partner. There are many different relationships out there. Some with straight males/bisexual wives like us. Some with bisexual couples and some, with straight wives with bisexual husbands. Be prepared to find Straight couples viewpoints as well here.

In the last few years, more and more I've wanted to act on those feelings. So, considering that I like both sexes, I'm thinking one possibility would be to explore swinging with her as a way to meet those needs without simply cheating on her.

Again my opinion is, we live an alternative lifestyle first. Looking at a bigger picture of life, we found where we are personally. Swinging is how we feel fits the description for what we do and enjoy. Swinging and allowing others into our lives sexually, is how we learned to talk about these issues openly, with each other. We took into consideration how others feel, and refined who we are.

Is this a common issue? What have others done?

Yes it a common issue as far as I'm concerned. We opened ourselves to the possibility of and alternative lifestyle. We found we weren't alone. We found some we agree with, some we don't have a connection to. And some we just cant ignore

Originally Posted by nameofthegame

Damn. Of all places, I would not have expected that here.

Like I say, you have asked a question on an open discussion board. You have to be able to hear all viewpoints. You will find that diversity in the swinging lifestyle. Like it or not. I think you will find Swingers to be open minded as a whole. But there are also individual viewpoints. It never hurts to listen. I for one have a bisexual partner. We don't have to swing with couples with bisexual wives. Mrs.fun finds men sexual as well a women. We found that sometimes for her, there are women that have a special connection. Sometimes it just that.. Sexual... sometimes with women there is more.....

I would be a hypocrite to not allow bisexual men the same rights......

Yes. I finally worked up the nerve to tell her about my sexuality. I'm not sure how to ask her about looking into the lifestyle with me.

Well thats easy an easy answer... Bring her to the Swingers Board

She can discuss this new subject as well. We don't all have the answers to everything but we do share and alternative lifestyle. We have some experiences and this is a great place to hash out our feelings with like minded people. Like others have said though, you may feel swingers are biased at times. We are not as I see it but everyone is entitled to their opinions.

One good thing is that we live in the SF Bay Area, so it shouldn't be as tough as other places

What do you mean by that ?

[nameofthegame]

Thanks! Good advice.

[nameofthegame]

Sorry, I have questions. I'll bet your wife has even more .

np

Do you enjoy just the sexual aspect of this ?

Mostly. Thought I can't deny there is an emotional element.

Is this something you have felt emotional attachments, to the men you have been with or someone you currently have in your life ?

Someone before. No, there isn't anyone in my life now.

Do you feel your wife would be turned on by the sight of you having sex with another man ?

Good question. I haven't worked up to asking yet. ;-)

What if she is not present ?

If she wasn't there, it would probably be easier for me. I wouldn't feel good about it. I would rather she knew about it.

Yes it a common issue as far as I'm concerned. We opened ourselves to the possibility of and alternative lifestyle. We found we weren't alone. We found some we agree with, some we don't have a connection to. And some we just cant ignore

Understood.

Well thats easy an easy answer... Bring her to the Swingers Board

True.

What do you mean by that ?

The SF area is a kind of mecca for alternative lifestyles. Was thinking it should be easier to find like-minded folks here than some other areas. Dunno.

[nameofthegame]

Originally Posted by slevin

Best place to talk about it at first is discussion fantasies while having sex. It tends to be best to elicit what her fantasies are, work with that and introduce your fantasies as well. Get her excited about your fantasies, make your fantasy her fantasy. It's much more powerful to share a fantasy and make it happen than for someone to hear your fantasy and decide to help you make it happen.

It's unfortunate about the bi-sexual doublestandard, but it is what it is. It might be surprising within the swinging community, but it's a reflection of general society I think. It's generally considered 'cool' and attractive for a woman to be bi-sexual, but not for men. As others have said, be clear about what it is you're looking for and you'll find it easier. All those bi-sexual men out there will be finding you and happy to find a couple who are up front about what they want.

Thanks.

[MRSfun]

nameofthegame, I just wanted to say Welcome to the Swingers Board

I hope you do talk about this with your wife. Like my husband said, bring her to the board by all means. There is so much your missing in life by not being able to talk with your wife about this. Its true I'm bisexual but there were many years I couldn't talk openly about this. I wanted to, but out of fear of being laughed at I couldn't. Its a long story, but even with women before I became open with the man. It wasn't a very good feeling. Almost, deceitful. Glad those day are behind me now

I'm with a very understanding man,Fun4ds. He brought me to the Swingers Board in a way. Hope you find a way to do the same with your wife it really is a great way to bring this sort of topic up.

[cocpl2007]

Originally Posted by nameofthegame

Hi,

I'm 46 and my wife is 50. We have no kids. We've been married now for 13 years. We've loved every minute of it, and I think we have a good relationship. Since we married I have remained completely monogamous.

The problem is this: I'm bisexual. Before she and I met, I had several experiences with other men that I found really fulfilling. In fact, they were some of the best sexual experiences in my life.

Don't misunderstand. I *love* women. I love, and am still attracted to, my wife. But I'm also attracted to men. To give you some idea, when I watch porn, about 40% of the time I watch gay porn.

In the last few years, more and more I've wanted to act on those feelings. So, considering that I like both sexes, I'm thinking one possibility would be to explore swinging with her as a way to meet those needs without simply cheating on her.

Is this a common issue? What have others done?

Thanks.

Yes. However not with the male of a married couple. If you are at all familiar with any of the swinger sites on the internet you'll find the vast majority of couples posting include a bi-sexual female. Rare is the bi-sexual male, and even rarer seems to be the couple where both identify themselves as bi-sexual.

We have not encountered your situation. Mrs Co discovered her bi-sexual inclination after we had been married for a few years. VERY stereo-typical! Many, many years ago Mr. Co explored the idea of same sex play, but it never evolved into anything more than a passing thought.

We'd suggest that you just discuss your thoughts and preferences with your spouse, explore things based upon the videos you are watching together, you just might be surprised at what she already knows about you.

The Cos

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by nameofthegame

If she wasn't there, it would probably be easier for me. I wouldn't feel good about it. I would rather she knew about it.

Was thinking it should be easier to find like-minded folks here than some other areas. Dunno.

Welcome to the board nameofthegame!

Now, this quote is what kind of stuck out to me.

Are you wanting her to actually join you and play as well...or are you just looking for permission to play with other men?

Like others have said, female bi-sexuality is very accepted/encouraged in the LS...male bi-sexuality, not so much (although there are some folks that do advertise themselves as a bi couple...you may be onto something since you do live in SF).

Also, since it wasn't quite clear to me...is your wife now aware of your bisexuality? Because first of all...you've been married 13 years...and probably together for longer than that. That is the kind of secret that can destroy a marriage, you know? At the very least, it's going to be a complete paradigm shift for her. Yes, you are the same you that you have been for the last 13 years...but she won't see it that way.

I really try not to be too much of a negative nelly...but please be prepared that she may NOT take this well.

Do talk to her, let her know. Deal with the fall out, if any. Then worry about broaching the topic of swinging.

Good luck! Glad to have you here!

[nameofthegame]

nameofthegame, I just wanted to say Welcome to the Swingers Board

I hope you do talk about this with your wife.

Thanks. I have. Partially from my talking here, and thinking it over myself, I finally told her.

Like my husband said, bring her to the board by all means. There is so much your missing in life by not being able to talk with your wife about this. Its true I'm bisexual but there were many years I couldn't talk openly about this.

Same here. Its always been a part of me, but I didn't dare say anything. I think mostly it was somehow counter to how I wanted to see myself.

I wanted to, but out of fear of being laughed at I couldn't. Its a long story, but even with women before I became open with the man. It wasn't a very good feeling. Almost, deceitful. Glad those day are behind me now

I'm with a very understanding man,Fun4ds. He brought me to the Swingers Board in a way. Hope you find a way to do the same with your wife it really is a great way to bring this sort of topic up.

Yeah, I think I'll try to do that.

[nameofthegame]

Welcome to the board nameofthegame!

Thanks.

Now, this quote is what kind of stuck out to me.
Are you wanting her to actually join you and play as well...or are you just looking for permission to play with other men?

My preference would be for her to be a part of it *if* I decide to 'scratch the itch'. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, frankly.

Also, since it wasn't quite clear to me...is your wife now aware of your bisexuality?

She is now. And, she was very understanding about it. I think she is a little shocked, but she definitely isn't having a negative reaction to it. That's a big relief.

Because first of all...you've been married 13 years...and probably together for longer than that. That is the kind of secret that can destroy a marriage, you know?

Yep. That's part of the reason I told her. In the past, when things got emotionally rocky for me, I tended to see refuge in sex with other men. Well, I'm in a rocky spot right now (just got laid off), and I'm starting feel the need to 'act out' again. So, by telling her, and openly acknowledging it to myself, it will allow me to be more responsible in dealing with it. Or, that's the plan.

At the very least, it's going to be a complete paradigm shift for her.

Yes. I don't think it will kill the marriage, but she will definitely see me differently. I'm convinced the gamble is worth it.

Yes, you are the same you that you have been for the last 13 years...but she won't see it that way.

I really try not to be too much of a negative nelly...but please be prepared that she may NOT take this well.

That's a good point. You're right. And, it isn't being negative to have an honest opinion.

Do talk to her, let her know. Deal with the fall out, if any. Then worry about broaching the topic of swinging.

Good luck! Glad to have you here!

Will do, and thanks again.

-T