He was looking for same-sex fun along with opposite sex fun but he denied it...

[ladyfirst]

Hi all. I've been on and off this site for a while now and still have not had any experiences. Here's the story (short): Mid-fifties and look and act younger, recently lost much weight (so feeling much better:-)) and I believe that this would be really nice for hubby and me. We've had ups and downs and they were very down but there is that bond and love still. Thing is that he says he will go along with whatever I want to do but he won't be specific and won't admit to me what his real fantasies are. I found out a while ago that he was looking for same-sex fun along with opposite sex fun but he denied it believing that I would freak-out if I found out. Originally I did but after a few years of knowing that he feels that way I have come to accept it and am willing to go along with it. My question is really how to let him know that it is ok and that I think if we get another male into the picture it will be good for both of us. BTW..at this point I don't feel that I am bi. Please all you seasoned people, give me your opinions. Thanks

[The Fuse]

Hi there ladyfirst, let me welcome you to the Board! You have definitely found the right place for discussion! I'm sure some folks will weigh in soon with some good advice.

[two4youinswva]

Welcome back and thanks for posting!

Do you think he would be more comfortable writing out his fantasies to you?

Some folks are more comfortable writing out their thoughts as opposed to speaking them.

[Additude]

First off,

How about suggesting a meeting with another single male for a little MFM action?

See what he thinks of that....

If that goes over good, then suggest the male be bi.....

See what he thinks of that....

If you want him to open up, I think your going to have to change his perception of you. No offence intended, but I caught a spec of "I would freak-out" in your post that may have freaked him out.....and now he is conditioned to avoid that realization.

Your going to have to re-condition him to understand that "Freak-Out" doesn't exist anymore....and that may even mean expanding that reality outside the bedroom.

He's probably not going to change "over night"...but it's changeable. Just don't push him into any bi contact unless he wants to do it. Don't create a situation where he thinks he is doing it because you want him to and he will do it for you.

You want to create an atmosphere where it's ok with you if he does it for him.

[screaminggood]

I agree with Additude's post. You need to not just tell him that you'd be good with the idea, but show him. During sex with him, you should talk about your fantasy of what it would be like to be in a MMF, and if you're getting wet by it...his body will notice even if his brain doesn't....and he'll start getting turned on by the idea. Slow steps though....never rush a fantasy, right?!

[JustAskJulie]

Welcome to the board! (or welcome back as the case may be).

I can see the delima here. He was hesitant to open up to you fearing your response then when he did he may have gotten the response he expected, increasing his fear to open up to you again. Vicious cycle. Now you have come to terms with what he is interested in and aren't sure how to bring the topic back up.

At this point I think your acceptance of his fantasies will go a long way to allowing him to open up further in the future. If it were me I think the conversation would go a litlte something like this.... "honey, do you remember when you told me that you had a fantasy of ....." "um yeah?" "well, I've been thinking about it, and I think I'd be open to giving that a try if you're still interested." Just be clear with him that it's something you want to do together (if you do) and that you want both of you to be able to be completely open with anything, whether it be fantasies or hesitations. This is something you need to be able to be completely open and honest about, without fear of hurting someone's feelings.

[sweet_tna]

First of all,

Congrats on the weight loss, I know how good that feels. And it's exciting that you've begun to fantasize about trying some of his fantasies. The trick is how to bring it up again. I agree with some of the other posters here that you might want to try it during foreplay or some other time when you're relaxed and expressing a fantasy seems . . . natural. That will get his attention, and help him to realize that you really are interested in trying these things.

Once you get that dialogue going, keep talking . .. not just about what you want to do, but what you're comfortable with, and how you'd like to go about making these things happen. Keep reading/posting here, and you'll find lots more helpful info.

Best of luck to ya'll,

=)

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by ladyfirst

Thing is that he says he will go along with whatever I want to do

This sounds like you asked him to try, or do this for you.

Did you bring this up first, out of conversation and he said no and then while he was doing research privately, you found out ?

or did he do this research first privately, then you found out, and then you requested him to try this because you found it erotic ?

but he won't be specific and won't admit to me what his real fantasies are.

So you guys are talking about this, and that is good. I think personal bisexuality was one of the hardest subjects we ever found in this lifestyle to talk about. The hardest was letting out how we felt. I had seen that because I fantasized about MFM play. At that time, the first info I found was that by having this kind of fantasy there were gay tendencies buried in my subconsciouses somewhere. Until I had really taken a hard self examination about my sexual thoughts. I couldn't have talked about how I felt or what I feared. The fact was I didn't know. I tried to understand and tried different ways to test myself the best I could. I would secretly look at guys and well, try to feel any kind of attraction. Just everyday men in life. O.k. I found nothing there. Then even looked at some of Mrs.funs magazines in private, and tried so hard to bring up any kind excitement... Nothing.

This was my personal research at the time. Mrs.fun at that time had know idea what I was doing or ever found out accidentally. You know for men there is allot to fear with this. I personally have always felt no attraction to men. I don't really understand what makes a man attractive to women. I just see men as the unattractive species. I could not look at myself in the mirror and make a change with my own appearance and say, Oh, I look more attractive like this. I can only say that for me, I have to get a womans opinion. So for men, without cutting down the whole population. I just think we are all un attractive. I just cant get any kind of stimulation from a male. All the way to our MFM experiances. I have been close enough to men naked and tried to get anykind of sexual feeling and again... Nothing. If you put ugly Suzan and John Travolta side by side, I see attractiveness in Ugly Suzan I could have sex with her... John... NOTHING. limpy is what he would get. I know this may not be a science explanation, and maybe even a poor explanation of what and how, I found out about myself. But thoes are my feelings and what I found out. So I know inside without a doubt how I feel. My feelings didnt match the information I had found. Fortunatly those ideas were not the only reasons.. There are allot of men like me. That dont get anything from the men we are around.

One time when I asked Mrs.fun for girl on girl play she said "would you play with a man for me" if I wanted that ? This was a very serious question. Would the reward be worth price paid. Could I even do it ? I knew by then about myself, that one of two possibilities could happen, if it we're a you do it, i'll do it trade situation.. I could find two bi or gay men, and ask them to do this for my wife. Or, the least of my choices, and this would be very, very hard to do. Was to put on an ACT. It would only be acting. So she wouldnt be getting what two men who actually have those feelings could provide. It would just be acting.

This was also when I (got it) more understanding about bisexualiy. Men and women, can have a sexual feeling toward the same gender. Even to a point of emotional relationship. For myself, this was a scary investagation. I hid my thoughts and the fact that I had questioned myself. The fear of being discovered what I was doing and being gay or even labled gay. In a mans world this could threaten everything even to a point of being outcast. Or even killed. It has happened.

I found out a while ago that he was looking for same-sex fun along with opposite sex fun but he denied it believing that I would freak-out if I found out.

I hate to sound chicken, but like they say, "if your scared, say your scared " Thats the whole deal.. Its scary. If you dont know or understand how you feel. I had to look at this secretely first. He may just need his privacy.

Originally I did but after a few years of knowing that he feels that way I have come to accept it and am willing to go along with it.

This is what throws me off track. At first you say he will go along with this. Now you say you will go along with this ? I'm not the brightest bulb in the package, and I just dont understand what happned firts ?

Is there a point that he says, he does have sexual feelings for a male ? But he wont talk about his fantasies or his complete understanding ? I know when I was trying to understand myself. If you would have asked me then. My answers would have been I dont know, and I would have been honest. I didnt know or understand. I would have been the one to say " I don't want to talk about this. I would fear exposure most.

My question is really how to let him know that it is ok and that I think if we get another male into the picture it will be good for both of us.

This sounds like maybe from the past as you mentioned, perhaps there was something in the past that would cause him to not trust you. Like something where you exposed him or humiliated him. This is a very hard thing to look at as a man. This takes a lot of trust. Maybe trust that needs rebuilt on your part. This is hard for a man to talk about something like this. Is there a way that you could let him test you to rebuild some trust. Like buy him a toy to experimint with, or a magazien, a movie. And show him that he could trust YOU with his secrete. In that situation you have purchased the items and If during your trust building period he could, if ever exposed, check out and say YOU bought them. Not him, Their yours. Like I say, this would be tough enough in a good relationship, let alone a relationship where he was exposed in some way in the past.

I hope my rambling in some way helps. We men are not all alike. These are just my thoughts. I know for me I had to hide all of this and I'm not gay or bi so I could only imagine how much trust and secrecy he would need from you, trying to take this a step farther.

[MrsVan]

Glad you found us and you are in the right place to get suggestions about your situation. Congrats on the weight loss!!! I would have to agree with others to try to find ways to bring it up at the right moment. Maybe after you have had sex, cuddle and maybe just talk about your fantasies together.

This is how MrVan and I figured out that we wanted to be in the LS as we started talking one night about fantasies and one thing led to another and here we are.

MrsVan

[ViSexual]

Hi Ladyfirst,

Well, you seem to be the rare couple with the wife more eager.

Men are just so darn reluctant to admit to any fantasies that involve same sex contact.

I'm a writer and have a few Y/A books, (two published), and a lot of other stuff in different genre's.

When we first got 'online' years ago it didn't take me long to find erotic story sites.

We'd gotten into swinging a long time ago and she (my wife) called it quits after a few years.

Well, the story sites allowed me to enjoy, vicariously, the lifestyle I missed so much.

As will happen, she discovered my activities and, at first, was a little angry that I still fantasized about swinging. Then, she sort of understood and even read a story or two. She surprised me by suggesting that I write some.

OK, I am getting to a point eventually...,

Well, I created a couple very much us except they were swingers. I started out pretty soft swiing but it evolved naturally into more hardcore.

I remember the very first time that the story necessitated the two husbands to have some contact with each other. I started to change it but it just fit. When my wife read it she said that it was "so hot"! I was really surprised.

We talked a lot about it and I even admitted to holding the cock, and guiding it into her, of the man she had sex with in our very first wife swapping years ago.

And, I told her that I'd really enjoyed it too and wished I'd been able to suck her juices off of it afterwards.

So, my suggestion would be to watch movies or read stories together about just that sort of thing. Then, maybe you could talk about it after.

[ladyfirst]

Wow, to the previous three posts......those were posts to my original question and I really felt what your journeys were through this. I really appreciate it and I want to maybe clarify a little of what I said previously.

Anything that we ever talked about between us was because I brought it up. Reason being is that probably around the year 2000 I was looking around online and accidently (and I mean accidently) found out that hubby had been on some "match up" site and that he was replying to ads from women AND men. I was very mixed up at first because was our sex-life so inconsistent that he had to look for horny women online and what was all that about with him replying to men??? I held on to those for a while, all the while trying to get his passwords and check out what else was going on. I never found things that he had done but did see that people had been responding to him. So I totally "freaked out" and didn't understand one iota of the whole thing. Of course he denied it and we made up and it was forgotten with (on my part) for a while. Probably a year went by and I saw that behavior again and it gets more complicated but we split up for a couple of years but then got back together again. It was more than those revelations that made me leave so that was just secondary then. Anyway, when we got back together it seemed good again and we went on vacation and came back and things were honky-dory again....or so I thought. I now discovered that he had put an ad for himself on a gay-man's dating phone site, I guess in part because he knew I was more crafty online than he was/is. Now I thought "wtf"? What is wrong with me? Why is he doing this? He denied it again and again and it took some time for me to get over this. So fast-forward to the last 2 yrs and me going on different sites and reading posts all over about bisexuality and this site (for sure) and I feel like I've turned myself around completely. I can really "get it" about swinging, for one, and about same-sex play too. I really feel now that as long as I'm included in all of this that I can accept this and that we can become even closer to each other since I know all about him and vice versa.

I hope this cleared up some of what I wrote before and I'm so glad that there are these venues where people can read about other's trials and tribulations and that people are willing to give their best advice. I also want to say that yes, it took a lot for me to come to this point but wanting to understand my man and making this relationship the best it can be is what I want, along with exploring my sexuality to its fullest. And it also makes me know that being "over 50" can be fun and sexually charged too! Thanks a whole lot to all who responded.

[Additude]

Wow ladyfirst...

You sound like a remarkable woman....

Kudos to ya.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by ladyfirst

I now discovered that he had put an ad for himself on a gay-man's dating phone site, I guess in part because he knew I was more crafty online than he was/is. Now I thought "wtf"? What is wrong with me?

First, I add my "welcome back to the Swingersboard" greeting.

One observation about your situation, expressed as a rhetorical question. Why do women tend to blame themselves for whatever goes wrong in a relationship? I think I already know the answer. But I just have to ask.

Michael

[ViSexual]

Ladyfirst,

I just wish you were my wife's best friend and confidant!

I envy your lucky husband!

[ladyfirst]

Originally Posted by SW_PA_Couple

First, I add my "welcome back to the Swingersboard" greeting.

One observation about your situation, expressed as a rhetorical question. Why do women tend to blame themselves for whatever goes wrong in a relationship? I think I already know the answer. But I just have to ask.

Michael

I said that but in the scheme of all the things that have happened since, well I believe I've learned a lot and changed a lot. I think people always ask what is wrong with themselves first and then look at all the possibilities.