He was looking for same-sex fun along with opposite sex fun but he denied it...

[ncmd_couple]

LadyFirst,

I’m writing this as a guy, so I hope that this helps you out. Guys are conditioned to keep things to themselves, mainly because our experiences tell us it is best to keep our mouths shut! Throughout our lives we have gotten a lot of grief from the women in our lives when we spoke completely openly and honestly with them. And being a closet bi-sexual male is one of those absolute taboo things. He has probably been Bi for many years and fears the repercussions of telling you his true desires. I try to be completely open and honest with my lady, but it is difficult. Difficult because I have to overcome 50 years of fear. I do it, but it is difficult. It is really difficult to do it face to face sometimes, even now.

The challenge for you is to convince him that he can tell you the truth without repercussions. We are all emotional beings, and when talking face to face we are hearing the words but also reading your body language. We are watching for that slight flinch or we might misunderstand an expression on your face while you are thinking about what we just said. The method that my lady and I have worked out is that we talk about difficult subjects via e-mail to each other. It allows each of us to take the time to think about what the other is saying and respond while dealing with our emotions. It works for us.

Also, it is probable that your husband has had Bi encounters in the past, most likely in the couple of years that the two of you were separated. He may be having Bi encounters now. You will need to deal with that possibility in advance so you are already prepared for “the worst,” and you will be prepared to not have a shocked look on your face at the time that he comes out with what he really desires. You need to let him know that you are ok with it and that you want to share your desires as a couple.

I am not actively Bi myself. I had a few encounters many, many, years ago as a young man. My lady knows about it, so it isn’t an issue with us. Hopefully this will be of some help to you, and good luck! Let us know how it goes.

S

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by ladyfirst

I said that but in the scheme of all the things that have happened since, well I believe I've learned a lot and changed a lot. I think people always ask what is wrong with themselves first and then look at all the possibilities.

You are quite right. You have my admiration for being frank with yourself and ready to change.

[NumbskullsX2]

This is one situation I would absolutely advise against looking for a single male! By adding a male only, it's like you're saying, "We both know your gay, you might as well admit it" The problem is, I don't think he is. Bisexual maybe? You said he was answering mail from women too. Gay guys don't do that.

My advise would be to find a couple with a bi-curious husband (they're out there) The reason I'm suggesting that instead of a single male is that the "message" here needs to be that in your mind, a person can have occasional intimate physical contact with someone of the same sex and not be anywhere near "gay"

It happens in the lifestyle all the time, usually with women, but sometimes with men too. It's a big thing only if you make it a big thing.

Also, another couple gives you some options as far as the other woman is concerned. He may find that given a choice, he'd prefer to be with women. It also lets him know that there are other men out there who are happily married, but like to play with another man on occasion.

I think that trying to pin down what makes a man "gay vs straight" is more complicated than most people realize and WAY more complicated than it is for females. Don't make a big deal of it, just relax and maybe even encourage him to play with the other guy and it will probably be just another thing he does when you're with another couple.

[safireblues]

I disagree with numbskulls, this isn't about labels. If you got a single male, you're not saying "you're gay"...who cares what the label is?

My husband is bi, and has had a few experiences in his life. He always hid this from prior girlfriends, and for a while, he hid parts of it (calls to gay chat lines, etc.) from me. He mostly felt dirty and ashamed about it, like there was something wrong with him, so he hid it. Of course, being a guy, he sucked at hiding it and I would always stumble on something!~

As another poster pointed out, this is all from years of conditioning for men where you hide parts of you that wouldn't be acceptable and put on a brave face. They must put it in the place where they put uncried tears, who knows.

The best thing I do is bring it up in bed. Men are by nature deviants and get turned on by filth, which is where the whole "taboo" of the man on man thing comes from. They like the attention, the deviance of it all. So when your man is horny, whisper things to him..."sometimes I fantasize that you and I are both playing with another man's cock"...
he'll be so turned on, he'll go with it. Start slow and build on the ideas. Later, let him know how much you like it, it turns you on, you love the openness with each other and being able to share your dirtiest fantasies. Repeat!~

[ownerspet]

I know someone suggested having him write down his fantasies, and I tend to agree with this if he doesn't seem to be able to open up.

If he received a negative reaction, the fear of rejection is probably stronger now than before. I beleive it's difficult for many people in our society to open up, due to what people often develop as a beleif of how people will accept them and their desires. These beliefs are basically fears that they have developed over time from society portraying an image that people of certain activities or lifestyles won't be accepted. So the soft handed acceptance of this, is probably the way you need to go.

I find that it is easier to write down or preferably type things out that are difficult to talk about (including fantasies, and they aren't even bi-sexual).

Although, I don't think it will work for you if you go about it in a manner as to say, "come write your fantasies down for me". You may want to just let him know that you're interested in exploring this side or adventure with him, but you'd really like to know more. And then say something to him like "So when you get a chance, write down or just type out on the computer in an email or word document or leave me a note with some details of your thoughts, urges, and/or desires." Assure him that you wont tell anyone with out his consent, so he may feel safer opening up to you. Then just wait, if it's a day, great, if it's a month great. Don't put a time constraint on it, because it may just add pressure.

If it's something he really wants, and you can gently let him know that you are ok with it, he may open totally back up.

One more note: When you get started down this journey be sure to move at the pace of the two of you which is the slowest, as this is a new avenue and it should really be something both of you want and are comfortable with.

That's my 2 cents....

[sexychoclit]

Just be patient with your husband. Most men will not admit to having sexual fantasies about another man. I love to watch gay porn and I have told the male half of the couple that I date that I would love to watch him be with another man. I don't think that I would want to watch him have sex with another man, but the thought of him receiving oral makes me hot. I don't know if he will ever do it and I don't know if I will look at him differently if he does. I guess we will have to wait and see.

I guess you should know that you could be "freaked out" if your husband is with another man. But if you open the can of worms then you have to be sure that you are going to be o.k. with it in the end. You can't say "it's o.k. for you to do this" and then turn around and say "I can't believe you did that". Just be careful, be sure and have fun.

[JustAskJulie]

LadyFirst, It's been about a month since you originally posted this have you made any progress with your husband in bringing these topics back up and discussing them?

Also, How long has it been since the two of you were openly discussing swinging as a couple? Perhaps in these discussions if you slip in the idea that you might like to see him with another man, it may plant a seed. Sometimes just letting someone know that you are ok with their thoughts/fantasies is enough to get them to open up again. But it may take a bit to convince him that you really are ok with it and not just saying for his benefit.

I know you said you are the more computer savvy but maybe finding a way to leave him a link to this post might be an easy way for you to share your thoughts/feelings with him.

[ladyfirst]

OK....I'm back here. a little more than a month later and we still haven't jumped in. I'm just wondering if anybody else has experienced what I am in my relationship with a bi-hubby (who won't admit it) and how they deal with it. I found him again looking at male ads on craigs list and instead of asking again, I didn't say anything but now I'm a little worried again. I even did a google search looking for topics such as this but I found nothing. Seems like either you're gay or you're not and I don't have that trouble with him not getting an erection with me. Anybody got anything on this?????

[Additude]

I don't think he realizes how much you truly care and accepting you are of this. He either doesn't trust your feelings or there is some completely un-related reason he is persuing what he is doing and he doesn't want to tell you what that is either.

[Chicup]

The other possibility is that he is gay.

I've known two men who had wives and kids you later got divorced and moved in with other men, and this didn't come out until their 40's.

Just something to watch out for.