Bi-curious...Is this normal?

[geo92980]

Let me start out by apologizing for the length of this post, I want to give the full background on it so anybody who responds knows the background leading up to my question.

So as those of you who welcomed my husband and I to the Swingers Board in our intro post might remember, my husband and I are complete newbies to swinging. So far we have met and played with one couple and have met two others but didn't play with them so far.

The first couple that we met, is close to the same ages as us, we did dinner at then we came back to our place for a couple of hours, they head home around 12:30AM, then IM us to let us know they were home and wanted to know if we wanted to come down to their place for the night as they had really enjoyed our company that evening, so George and I hopped in the car and headed down there. After talking for a while and watching I want to say the movie was called Wild Hogs (Tim Allen, John Travolta, Martin Lawrence are three of the actors who were in it) we all played Strip Poker and though the boys deny that they stacked the deck somehow both of us girls ended up naked first, (isn’t this how it always goes) so to spice the game up a little we all decided to let the winner pick what the loser had to do. My husband and her husband both immensely enjoyed this as her and I kept a steady streak of losing going, so her and I end up playing above the waist with each other for the better part of the wee hours of the morning while we are playing the game. I'm loving it, she's loving it, and our husbands are loving it. (Big well duh there I know!) We finished the night or should I say we finished the morning off (it was almost 6AM at this point) by George and I and the other couple all having sex with our respective spouse, totally awesome night, all parties involved completely enjoyed it and we are getting together again this weekend assuming childcare arrangements work out for both of us.

Four nights later we go out with another couple (a little older 42 and 38), we have now met with them twice, the first time was for dinner and the second time was here at our home to talk but with the understanding it was going to be just that which all parties involved were okay with. So the four of us sat there and talked about all the different things I have been wondering about swinging wise, same sex wise, etc. Everything went great and after they left I really got to wondering what the wife of this couple thought of me since she is bi. So not probably twenty minutes after they left (they live about 10 minutes from us) we get an email from them on the site we met them on stating how turned on she was by me, how my nipples were driving her crazy, and that had it not been for our children being here she would have leaned over and kissed me. Nothing is wrong with this, I was actually feeling the same way and had it not been for our children being here I probably would have kissed her first or kissed her back depending on who made the first move. So I replied back basically exactly that, that I was wanting to kiss her too but didn't because of our kids. George and I put forward the idea of meeting up with them on the 11th of this month, sent our reply and went to bed.

Now here is where things get weird, I have had above the waist girl play with the female half of the first couple and loved it, I have conversed with the female half of the first couple about playing both above and below the belt line, no problems whatsoever. Then I get the reply email from the wife of the second couple and I don't know what the heck happened but I like freaked out all of the sudden.

Her reply basically is she is so turned on by me, can't wait till Tuesday comes, she hopes I taste as good as I look, and she ends her email with the words lick you later and her name. This kind of weirded me out and then I got to thinking about something her husband had said when they were up here talking about they are both getting older and they decided they needed to put some faces with their fantasies, so George is at work, I am home alone with the kids, I spent the rest of the day letting all of this float around in my head. George gets home and we got to talking, I tell him about all of this he just chalks it up to be nervous jitters which I agree it probably is too. Tuesday night doesn't end up happening because she was ill, so we go get our kids and called it an early night. While George and I are laying their in bed we got to talking about things and the next thing I know the words I don't want to play with another girl come spilling out of my mouth, George is totally floored and speechless as just 24 hours prior to this we were making plans for this upcoming weekend (the 22nd/23rd) with the first couple to play again girl girl wise both above and below the belt this time.

So of course George being Mr. Logical is trying to figure out what has happened. He asked me a bunch of questions and of course I don't even know myself why these words just came out of my mouth. I told him I honestly didn't know and he was cool with that told me to think on it and examine things and we could talk more in the morning about it. Well we don't end up getting to talk about it as he gets called in early and works a double, and courtesy of everybody and their brother being sick at his work I really haven't got to see or spend anytime with him in which we could really talk and of course I have been too busy trying to take care of our kids and house alone to be able to spend much time online either. So we finally get to talk in the wee hours of Tuesday morning (12:30/ 1AM ish). He asked me about the girl girl play and if I had changed my mind or thought through on things I told him I wasn't sure about it anymore. Of course being that he is the logical thinker he is still struggling to understand how I went for being all for playing to not in a matter of twenty four hours time. He has to know everything between A and Z to be able to understand how I got from A to Z. Now please understand George is entirely okay with me deciding what I/we want to do and doesn't want me to do something if I don't want to do it, but he at least wants to understand the why behind why I don't want to do something, which I have no problems at all giving him normally, except this time.

So here we sit now 2AM ish we are both frustrated because I can’t figure out how to explain what I am feeling and he can't understand where I am coming from because I quite honestly couldn't figure out where I was coming from on this. He gets tired and I told him go ahead and go to sleep, he goes to sleep. Me well I lay there thinking about things till probably 4:30/5 in the morning before I finally fall asleep.

We get to talking again before he headed into work today, and I finally figured out what it was that made me feel the way I did that made me say what I said, while I was trying to go to bed/sleep. Basically when the wife of the second couple wrote what she did it was the first time anybody of the opposite sex has come onto me/ hit on me in such a way it left no doubts as to what was on her mind. Here is what is weird about it for me, while at the same time it turned me on, it also turned me off, it almost makes me feel like she is a tiger and I am like this piece of meat about ready to get thrown into her cage. Then when I got to thinking about what her husband said and what she had said together with her email and kept thinking about it, it made me feel like she is just looking at me like I just a play thing/one night stand for her, and that as soon as she is done eating me up so to speak, she will mark me as another notch in her bedpost which totally turns me off to playing with her and makes me wonder if this is how all girls/woman who are bi really are.

So here's the quandary I am in...

I really want to play with the wife of the first couple this weekend but I don't want her to be going down on me or playing with me and freaking out on her. But I am totally freaked out because I don't want to feel like I am being used or that I am just a nice little juicy piece of meat. I want a female that is going to take her time with me, and not just plunge straight for the prize right off the bat.

Here's the questions that I have after explaining all of this (I hope I made sense and haven’t put anyone to sleep.)

Is it normal for someone who has never had any real experience with same sex relationships to feel the way that I am?

Did anyone else freak out when someone of the same sex came on really strong to them in such a way it left no doubts at to what they wanted?

Is it normal or I am just messed up in my head or something to still want to experience girl girl play but at the same time be totally freaked out and confused because of a reaction to something that was said?

What advice would you all give or recommend for me?

George said I should post here and ask as he understands now where I am coming from (at least in terms of what lead me to say what I did), but he can tell that while I know what set me off I still am not sure how the heck I feel about it all.

Any help that anyone can give would be greatly appreciated.

Heather

[bill&sabrina]

People tend to overthink situations, and it's my opinion you are doing it now. You wanted to play with both women, now because you thought about things, you're here asking for help. Just try to relax, and have fun. You've met with the second couple twice and not played, you probably aren't going to be a notch. More often than not, it's been the people that insist on no notchers, that we only see once.
Bill

[Alura]

I'm sorry I missed your introduction, Heather, but would like to say, " from Oklahoma! It's always a pleasure to hear from someone from Mrs. Alura's home town!

Being a mere male, I won't try to address the girl/girl issues. I'm sure some of our fine ladies can help.

I'm wondering if perhaps you're reading too much into the situation... that is, perhaps the lady does not think of you as a "piece of juicy meat." Honesty runs rampant in the swinger community. Maybe she's just expressing herself honestly. You can only be sure by getting to know her better.

Mr. Alura

[des1re06]

Hi,

I’ve been a bi female for many years.

Yes, your feelings are normal. Each experience is different, and you will see that as you go along. The one lady was willing to move slower and the 2nd was so turned on, she wanted to eat you up. Not uncommon at all, and it’s a reflection on how they approach sex with others. Not really anything you did. There are some women who are a bit more aggressive than others. This appears to be the type you don’t enjoy because it freaked you out.

Now, if you are attracted to lady 2, I would ask her if she minded moving at a slow pace. Most ladies are happy to do that (in my experience). Since you are new, I would make it all about you, and not expect any “licking” in return, and I bet that’s what she has in mind too. Just ask her what she expects from you.


Good luck and have fun!

Mrs. D

[lustylearning]

Hello, ladybug Don't stress, just be honest... "While I am sincerely flattered, I'm still new at this, and would be more comfortable just letting things develop on their own, without expectation." Then see what happens You're not rejecting anyone, simply being up front about who and where you are. Most bi women understand and respect this.

[tangyspecial]

Hello! This is the bi Mrs. Tangy here.

I understand why you might be a bit put off. I know I get a little uncomfortable with people being that forward, but I also know that it is my issue to deal with, so I wouldn't put off playing with someone because of it. It's just that their flirting style is different than yours.

For instance, my style of flirting is joking around about what I want but doing it in a way that they know I am serious. I would never come out and say "Im going to do X, Y, and Z to you!" It's not because I think doing that is wrong, but it takes more confidence than I have, so more power to the people that can!

I suggest not thinking too much about it and just have fun! If we only met people just like us, this would get boring fast.

[MRSfun]

Hi Heather, My husband fun4ds brought your post to my attention this morning and I'll let you know your feelings are very valid and quite normal. We have spent a few years getting comfortable with my bisexuality. Fortunately my husband, like George is very understanding. As advice to George, my husband will be the first to admit men are the same, yet different, in ways of understanding women. There is no A-Z although men like to see things that way, its comforting to them to have an area that they can relate too.. It would be more like A-Z times (one thousand). My husband will agree that he may never fully understand the actual feelings I, as a bisexual woman feel. This issue he supports me with my freedom, and comfort level.

I am seeing this clearly because I have been where you are now. You have had the first contact with a woman that went slow. That was my personal level and comfort zone as well. The first Bi experience for me in the actual lifestyle, was with a woman that was very understanding. I was listed as a straight woman at the time in our profile, yet the first contact just happened one night. She knew as well as I, without actually having discussed anything prior. She was very slow with her approach and that left me wanting to come out of my shell and desired more.

From there I had allot to learn about my feelings. What I have discovered along the way is. I like women as much as men, but it is their approach that I had the most trouble with.

There are different levels as far as being passive or aggressive and where our desire is at. I am seeing that you have enjoyed the passiveness in your first encounter where things went in a more GO With The Flow situation. Thats fine, and actually my preference as well. But you will see in the lifestyle there are women who are more aggressive or the initiator. That is their comfort level, and I have learned to express to some women that I have been with, how I feel, about my comfort level.

I think the second woman or couple that you have questioned yourself about because of her aggressiveness is valid. I would have had my doubts and felt the same as you a few years back. I would have backed away from her as well. You did nothing more by saying I want out of this situation now, as a defense to your misunderstood feelings. Thats a Good thing. Sorting out your feelings is a great thing.

I don't feel the woman that was aggressive, was doing anything more than what she felt you wanted. She is attracted to you but you need to let her know how you feel about this. Some women just like men can say something in a way that make me uncomfortable as well. Its about communication and understanding.

You guys really seem like a great couple with amazing communication skills compared to many your age. The main thing I see thats wrong with the second couple is your profile on sls.

Your profile on sls would have led any woman to feel that you are looking for someone that would be the initiator. You clearly state that you are passive, and want a woman to make the first move. You have encountered such a woman now. They are older so I'm sure it would be the O.k. to talk to them and explain that you might have sent the wrong message, or maybe they just missed your comfort level. If they don't understand or cant understand, you have done your part by talking with them and perhaps they are not the right couple. Something you need to learn now, is presenting your comfort level to the possible playmates you will encounter. And as a woman those levels may change at any time. We women understand that. To me this is nothing more than a comfort level issue for you..... I understand, I have been there.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by geo92980

Did anyone else freak out when someone of the same sex came on really strong to them in such a way it left no doubts at to what they wanted?

Heather

I have had women come on strong, but I haven't freaked out because I always know those experiences are going to happen in the lifestyle and I will handle them to the best of my ability, however uncomfortable I feel at the moment, I can handle it. And you will be able to as well. Being new to swinging, I understand why you're feeling freaked out, but with time and experience, you'll get better at dealing with situations like this. Keep a smile on your face and a positive outlook.

Originally Posted by MRSfun

Your profile on sls would have led any woman to feel that you are looking for someone that would be the initiator. You clearly state that you are passive, and want a woman to make the first move.

I think MRSfun brings up a very important point in all this. Your SLS profile has guided woman #2 on how to approach you, based on what you say you like. Woman #2 is obviously comfortable with being the initiator and more aggressive than woman #1, and this statement from your profile does give the okay to do what she has done thus far:

...she like the idea of being totally out of control in the sense of being unable to do anything to stop something from occurring in a sexual sense....She also gets very turned and excited at the thought of a woman just having her way with her and only that woman having her way with her.

Your fantasies are perfectly fine, however, maybe it would be better to soften how you express them in your profile (or leave them out), at least until you are more experienced.

Others have given you good advice. I think woman #2 needs to hear from you now, before you meet, and let her know how you feel. It shouldn't come as a surprise to her that you want to take things slow. You can express that in a positive way. She probably wants to make you happy and fulfill your fantasies.

Good luck and let us know how things go.

LM

[sweet_tna]

Your feelings are perfectly understandabe to me. It wasn't too long ago that I realized I was sexually attracted to women, and it totally blew me away . . . didn't see that coming AT ALL. I was very fortunate that the ladies I've played with have understood that this is still very new to me, and have respected the need to go at my pace. That's a very important thing in the lifestyle . . . going at the pace of the slowest runner.

The other big thing is communication. While it may have frustrated you that George was so inquisitive about your feelings, I think it's wonderful that he cared enough to try and help you sort it out. You may not have all the answers right away, but you handled it well, by talking it out and coming here for advice when you remained stumped.

As for what to do, I say if you WANT to play with lady #1, the do that. If not, don't. You probably feel more comfortable with her because things are moving slowly. Some people are aggressive, and that isn't attractive to everyone. I think that's the case with lady #2. So if you still think you're interested in playing with her but are put off by the aggressiveness, TALK to her. Let her know she's moving too fast. She'll either respect that and go at your pace, or she won't and you can move on.

Best of luck to you,

=)

[iapr]

I do this with Mrs iapr all the time and it works pretty well so do this with me. sit down and try to loosen up all the muscles in your body. Then take a deep breath in through nose and and just go limp and let it pass out your mouth. do that a few times and try to clear your mind and relax.


Ok, now that yourlittle panic attack is over, let's chat.

forget about all of the specifics of the story you just told us, they don't matter. Let's just talk in generalalities and you can apply this to any situation that comes up.

Insecurity and fear are not caused by what other people say or do. they are caused by our own lack of confidense in how to control our own futures and our own control of the situation. Get in control of yourself and take charge of your own sexuality and you will not have these panic attacks about this kind of thing.

You are a full grown woman in charge of your own sexuality. You can do whatever you want with other people as long as it is consensual by all affected parties and as long as it is legal and won't hurt anyone. You are also not reguired to do anything with anyone at any given time or situation that do not want. If you want to do something, do it. If you don't want to do something, don't. Period.

You do not need to worry about anyone elses expectations or what they are wanting to do or what they have in mind because you are there for your own interests and not there to please anyone else. If you are confident in your own preferences and in your own abilities to say no or to control your own sexuality you will not have any insecurities or any worries about what other people think.


Nobody wants to feel used or unappreciated including the other couples you are talking about. Unless they are rapists or sociopaths they do want you to be uncomfortable or to feel pressured. You are just freaking out because you think she is going to try and make you do something you don't want to. The chances are she has no interest in doing anything you do not want to do.

I would bet she was just saying what she thought you were wanting to hear and was just showing her interest. If you have any further correspondence with her I would just say that you wish your next meeting to not have any expectations for play and that you wish the evening would just move along at a natural pace and to let the mood of the moment and peoples current confort level determine what happens.

[Additude]

I think your body wants to play, but your mind has this block, maybe a social taboo, or something you grew up with as a child where "bi" was un-acceptable or "frowned" upon and your mind knows you want to "cross that line".

So I think you need to toss all the emotional over-reasoning out the window and have the experience, then decide if you like it or not...you probably will and you'll move forward.

Don't read to much into it, think of it like a game of tennis or volley ball...it's just fun, recreation....it's not this loving, emotional, sexual attachment.

This kind of sex is for entertainment purposes only.

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by Additude

I think your body wants to play, but your mind has this block, maybe a social taboo, or something you grew up with as a child where "bi" was un-acceptable or "frowned" upon and your mind knows you want to "cross that line".

So I think you need to toss all the emotional over-reasoning out the window and have the experience, then decide if you like it or not...you probably will and you'll move forward.

Don't read to much into it, think of it like a game of tennis or volley ball...it's just fun, recreation....it's not this loving, emotional, sexual attachment.

This kind of sex is for entertainment purposes only.

I'm just curious here, Is this the additude you have with all women ?

If so, how succesfull are you with this additude ?

Are you bisexual ?

[Additude]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

I'm just curious here, Is this the additude you have with all women ?

If so, how succesfull are you with this additude ?

Are you bisexual ?

Just Curious??? Oh really????

Having a bad day??????????

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by Additude

Just Curious??? Oh really????

Having a bad day??????????

No not at all , I have a bisexual wife and a girlfriend


And You ???

[ALilOEverything]

To the OP

I think I understand why you feel the way you feel, maybe it's for the same reason why I reacted in similiar ways. It's so much fun to be with another woman when it's spontaneous and the time is right. When they start emailing and telling you how much they are looking forward to playing it feels like it sets a certain expectation. When that expectation is set the pressure sets in and when that pressure sets in it feels intimating, overwhelming and you feel like you want to get out. It no longer feels go with the flow and now you feel like you need to perform.

I know there was a few times I felt negatively about emails like this and just felt like I didn't want to play with expectations set. I'm totally a go with the flow person and my mood is killed when expectations are present. My best f/f experiences were totally spontaneous and I thrive on that.

What I found out over time was that they really weren't trying to set an expectation, but just trying to find words that would heighten the excitement and keep the mood going. I bet she doesn't expect ff play if you're into it, I think she was just trying to be sexy and set the mood. I think if you responded how you feel about it to them they would take a step back and let you know they were just flirting and whatever happens happens. If they truly were setting an expectation and are offended that you feel differently then you probably wouldn't want to play with them anyway.

I think most importantly to try not to overthink and read too much into what people write. I think not overthinking it will come with time and experience as it did for me. The experience of being with a woman who you're truly comfortable with and are attracted to is amazing. Be selective right now and make sure they are the right ones for you.