Bisexual Frustration

[Aphrodite]

Hey everybody...
It's been a looooong long time since I've written.Seems like I only write when there's an issue.But, I am at a loss again and so?Here I am.We went to an on-premise club last weekend.Things were going so great.Music was jammin'...drinks were flowin'...At one point, hubby was dancing with a girl and I was dancing with a girl...we were flirting and teasing and we felt really good.Then, there was a point in the evening where about 6 girls on the dance floor were sort of dancing and teasing each other and I joined in.The girl I had danced with and I really clicked,we began making out.{Hubby was there the whole time watching and had gave me the thumbs up to go and dance}We were getting really erotic,hands/mouths/tongues were going everywhere.The next thing I know, hubby's calling my name...so in the middle of everything, I stopped.We had a talk at the time because he said watching me up there made him feel real possessive.We had a talk with a few friends of ours about it,he apologized and things seemed to go back to normal.We went back and danced.Then, a bit later, the same girl and her husband invited us back to their hotel room, and he and I discussed it and decided to go.Well, then the girl came up behind me while I was sitting and began really deep kissing me and my husband was in front of me,hers was fucking her from behind and it was crazy sexy!Then it was like a complete 360* when we got outside to go to our room, we ended up arguing and he didn't want to go to their room anymore...he said that he was angry at himself and angry that I wanted to go to their room.So, we went back to our room and had a really ugly argument and he made me feel really bad for opening up and expressing my desires,telling me to just go to their room w/o him.I told him I would never do that because I need him by my side.In the morning, he apologized again and took complete responsibility for his jealousy.He said that while the "ïdea" of me being with other women turned him on, he was taken aback at how many conflicting emotions he had after witnessing it.We've had a threesome, but this time it was different in that I really took over and went for it.So, he said he wants to take a break,which while I would prefer not to, I have obliged and will respect his needs.However, I have told him I have decided we should just squash this whole swinging thing.Why? Well, this is probably easier for the bi ladies to understand...I am "bisexually" frustrated.I can't keep closing the door on this and re-opening it when he feels like it.I honestly do not care if I never sleep with another guy again in my life, but with the ladies,it's a different story.My husband is really the only MAN I desire. So, now, while I am willing to close the door as far as swinging goes, I am left feeling a void over the bisexuality I have discovered. He had the nerve to ask if we can at least check women out and I was so frustrated because he just doesn't get it.I can not handle being teased and knowing it'll never go anywhere.Does anyone understand this?{It's like giving someone a taste of the most decadent chocolate and walking away or just letting them get a whiff of a really sensational perfume}You're left wanting more.
I also have to add that I am completely understanding of his need to back off and all of that.We all go through shock sometimes when we see our SO engaged with another person.But, I am really struggling with this aspect of our situation.Please anyone who responds, understand that I love my husband with every fiber of my being,if you are going to criticize me...please do not write.I need some serious feedback and understanding.Thank you!

[Pepper & Drew]

I can relate. I think that if we stopped swinging today, I wouldn't really be upset over not being with other men, but that I'd really miss the encounters with women. I think that it was unfair for him to get upset AFTER the two of you both decided to go to their room and I think that in order for things to work for the two of you in the lifestyle that everyone must be 100% honest. Not saying what you think your partner wants to hear, or making consessions, but truly putting everything on the table--which may include saying that he didn't want to go to their room because he was feeling jealous that you were having such a good time. I think you did a very good job of being sensitive to his needs. Now it's time that he's sensitive to yours. If you don't want to swing at all because it's like dangling a carrot above a rabbit's head, then he has to respect that. Not every couple is cut out for swinging, and you may be one of those couples. I wouldn't shut the door on this completely though. You may have to step back, consider it more, work through any jealousy, and maybe the two of you can find a place where you both find pleasure.

Pepper

[Miss_Piggy]

It sounds like your husband is a little confused at the moment. He figures he should be turned on by his wife being with another woman but instead he's jealous and he's angry at himself for feeling that way as well as slightly angry at you for putting him in the position of being able to feel that way. That's something he will simply have to work through to the point where he can deal with it or he knows that he can't and drops swinging altogether. Either one is an option.

As for you, my thought is that you need to work on your "need" to be with another woman. As long as you are perceiving sex with women as a need that your husband is not willing to grant you relief from you are going to have problems. Again, I only really see two options for you. Either you commit completely to your husband and force yourself to drop the need for women or you reason that you are not capable of dropping this need and you work out a more suitable relationship.

I really think that the current situation, where you need sex with women and your husband is not willing/able to grant you your wish requires attention.

I'm sorry if I haven't given you any concrete advice. Really you have to talk to your husband and work something out that works for both of you. The current set up just can't work.

[Miss_Piggy]

Okay, I just reread my post and realised that it looks like I'm saying you should drop your bisexuality. I'm not saying that at all. You won't be able to stop your desire for women. But to perceive it as a "need" could probably be looked at. Does that make more sense?

[growgirl]

Originally Posted by Pepper & Drew

Not saying what you think your partner wants to hear

IMO, Pepper hits it on the head here. For any number of reasons (fear of being left, fear of pissing you off, etc), he's giving you the initial okay because he knows it's what you want and men like to be able to give their women what they want. But it's a gift that he's not entirely comfortable giving. He may be hoping you know the magical point where he's not comfortable any more and when you somehow don't stop there, he gets mad.

So while I can't give you advice, only understanding, I would like to know how you two deal with a more intimate situation with other couples or females? For me, at least, the club scene is overly stimulating. The noise level, the visuals, the touching, the smells, it can make me feel out of control of myself at times... perhaps he feels the same way, which may account for how his behavior comes out of nowhere. Just throwing out some thoughts.

GG

[Aphrodite]

I've read the replies so far and am grateful for the thoughts and etc. We've had other issues that I have written about in another thread.The bottom line as far as I can see is to not swing anymore.We have the type of relationship where we tell each other everything and being blatantly honest,at least on my part, is a given because I don't want any misunderstandings.It's hard to understand every aspect of our situation because it would take a very long post to explain.Needless to say, he is the one who initiated this and who was all gung-ho about me being with a female to begin with.I believe it was Miss Piggy who really made a lot of sense when she said that as long as I see this as a need my husband is not willing to allow me to fulfill there will be problems. I believe that is true,because I still feel resentful even though he clearly has remorse.I have tried to explain to him the way I feel,but it's really hard to explain to someone when they are not bisexual themselves. I did give him an example and asked him how he would handle never being able to have sex with a woman ever again in his life...that sort of made him realize what I'm trying to convey.My decision to no longer swing came out of the realization that he may never get over these feelings.And, my commitment to him is such that while I am really unhappy about closing the door on my bisexuality...our marriage and what we have together means a lot more to me than that.I just wonder if what I am feeling is normal?I've only known I was bi {consciously anyway}for a little over a year now...but I am 100% positive that I am.As far as GG's ?s regarding how we handle other types of situations and if the club scene might be too over stimulating...we have not been with a couple other than the one at the club physically yet.We've met quite a few,but never clicked like we did with a couple until that night.And, hubby has suggested in the past that we try a house party, but I prefer the clubs.Perhaps, you might be on to something there...not sure. He and I definitely have some things to talk about tonight.We are contemplating whether or not to remove our profile from Swing Lifestyle and to leave the club sites we belong to.Right now, I think it's best for us to quit...but we'll see how things go later.Thank you again for all the input/help everyone has given!

[Miss_Piggy]

Just because you are not actively having regular sex with both men and women doesn't mean you are closing the door on your bisexuality. No matter who you are having sex with (if anyone) you will still be bisexual.
I agree that if you want to put a 100% effort into your marriage it's best to stop swinging. Instead of thinking of it as closing the door on your bisexuality (which I don't think you can do) think of it as opening the door to your marriage. (sorry for the cliche-ish ring. I couldn't help myself)

[Aphrodite]

By saying I am closing the door on my bisexuality,I am meaning that for me...it is a door I feel I have to close.I know,I will always be bisexual..but in order for me to cope and let go of the ideas of swinging and exploring that part of my sexuality...I essentially,have to close that door.It's basically my way of saying I can no longer pursue bisexual experiences.So, cliche's aside,this is more a metaphor than anything else. Surrender

[Cpl2SwingNC]

Not being judgemental, please do not think it so. You say you have really open and honest conversation, then why can't you get to the root of the problem of the night at the club?

[Aphrodite]

I'm sorry? I thought the problem was obvious...My bad! My husband is struggling with feelings of insecurity and jealousy/possessiveness.He is also feeling threatened by my bisexuality.It is something he feels he can not compete with.How do I know this?Because he's told me.I'm now struggling with letting go of the desire I feel to be with another woman and am writing because I want to know what others think about this and/or if anyone else has struggled or would struggle with that aspect if they were to realize swinging wasn't working out for one of them. I know jealousy too well and have worked hard to keep the green-eyed monster in check,but it takes a lot of work and he needs to work on those feelings...with my help, even if we never swing again...I am hoping we get through this and are closer because of it.It's just hard to not desire a woman at present time and will take some getting used to.Hence my feelings of frustration and resentment, which I need to work through,also.I hope this clears things for you.

[Cpl2SwingNC]

Do you think the problem would exist if you included him more in the experience? He may be feeling like he is now somewhat inadequate to meet your needs and that he is slowly being replaced. To include him more, even if it's dancing in triplet instead of a couple, and always making sure to include and let him know that he is really the one that meets your needs may be part of the answer.

Sorry if I missed something in your posts, been reading a tremedous amount being new to the boards, and at times suffer from brain overload.

[confunktion]

Jealousy is a wicked thing in the fact that it is usually not isolated to one specific situation or instance. Rather, it permeates through a person and affects many facets of their life. I worry that your husband's jealousy is not confined only to the subject of your bisexuality, and I hope that "green-eyed monster" does not rear its ugly-ass head in other aspects of your married life.

You say that your husband feels threatened by your bisexuality and thinks he can't compete. He's right - he can't compete, nor should he feel he has to. It's the same way with those of us in the lifestyle - when play happens with others outside of our marriage, no matter if they are male or female, the most happy and successful couples seem to be secure in at least these two ideas:

1) Sex is different than making love (or some variation of this idea)
2) No matter what happens, me and my SO are going home together, and I'm really happy about that

The Mrs. is bi, and she has recently started back up with playing with a friend of hers. She spoke with me about it and asked if I was OK with it. I feel the same way that I've felt ever since she disclosed that she was bi - It's a part of you, something I can't compete with, so I have no right nor reason to stand in your way. Being with another woman from time to time fulfills a basic need for her, and I feel as though I would be a royal jag if I denied her that. I love seeing her happy, and this makes her very happy. We have a very strong marriage, and she'll always come home to me, so I am secure enough to stomp out any feelings of jealousy about it.

Note I left out the part about it being a beautiful thing to watch/think about. That's because it's secondary...really really nice, but secondary...

I'm not going to tell you to continue or stop swinging - you'll make the right decision on your own, methinks. What I will suggest is that you take a look at your husband's overall self-esteem and any general feelings of insecurity he may have. If you can help, please do so. If not, find someone who can (with his blessing, of course). If he feels better about himself, you'll feel better, your marriage will be stronger, and then maybe you can revisit swinging again, this time with a more secure base.

Best wishes to you!

Mr. Funk
Aaaannnnnd I'm spent

[SnozzberryBlu]

Hi there!

Been there, done that, have the t-shirt! LOL
Our saga began in '92 when we first tried swinging.. what a bungled mess (mostly, limited couples in the area to choose from, and the experiences were strange to say the least). I closed my door, tried not to look back... off and on I would slip up, but pretty much "behaved". I was also very grumpy, moody, etc. and overall no fun to live with. At the time I did not connect that to shutting part of myself away.. now that we are back in swinging (with better results this time!) and my moods are even.... I am always bouncing around the house, etc... I see the connection quite clearly.

A few thoughts I have that might help:
1. Security: What is at the root of his insecurity with himself and in your relationship together? Will he allow you to dig deep enough to find it, and then is he willing to work on that? Are there things you can do or say to assure him he is the ONLY one for you?

2. Situations: Make sure he is included... the first go around couples were very VERY interested in me and my non-pushy husband was very much made to feel totally unimportant to the play. Is yours assertive enough to get in there and do things he likes? Changing your profile to state hubby is a part of this, not a side-dish to a bi-female.. and then reemphasizing that in emails will help to somewhat set the tone for how you two will, and will not, play. But he has to do his part and step in there (if he is not already). Then, assure your husband that if he is trying, and still left out, you can move to him and focus on him, or stop the play altogether. You could both designate some signal for him to indicate to you he is being left out.

3. Competing: This was hard for me to get hubby to understand, but now that he has "got it" we are soo good to go! Ok... no, a man cannot be a woman, anymore than she can be a man. If you were a lesbian trapped in marriage, then yes this would be a threat. But you are not! I love being with my gf, I love being with women.. but when all is said and done there is a place inside that can only be (literally) filled by a man. And I have a strong need and ache for that. Additionally, it is NOT what a woman does to me (which is where she would compete with hubby) that turns me on and has me in there.. it is what I can do TO and FOR her. He began to understand that, and his fears dissipated. Once we graduated to using a strap on, some of those insecurities returned. The comment "well now we men are really replaced" was jokingly stated (but real)... to which I again explained.. ok honey that dildo is ok, but the damn thing is COLD!!! lol.... the real high to the strap on is when IIIIII put it on, and that I get to see and experience (if only breifly) some of the things a man sees and experiences in sex (not to mention the muscles in my ass are so in awe of men's stamina!) I am not having an orgasm.. but my brain is in overdrive! Soooo... she is not competing with him.. I am however jealous of what males get to experience lol

All that said, yes I do know how you feel.. it is such a tease to be off and on... and that door creaks a little louder and the whinning hinges grate a little deeper each time you close it. It is VERY frustrating!!! He needs to realize, and know, that you will have to make a choice -- and in the end it will be him. He must also realize, too, that his choice is also HIM... and in the end that is far more a threat to the health of your marriage than any woman or strap on could ever be.

HTH..

[Aphrodite]

Originally Posted by Cpl2SwingNC

Do you think the problem would exist if you included him more in the experience? He may be feeling like he is now somewhat inadequate to meet your needs and that he is slowly being replaced. To include him more, even if it's dancing in triplet instead of a couple, and always making sure to include and let him know that he is really the one that meets your needs may be part of the answer.

Sorry if I missed something in your posts, been reading a tremedous amount being new to the boards, and at times suffer from brain overload.

To answer you and everyone who has asked any ?s referring to how much I emphasize us as a couple and etc. Our profile is blatantly clear about the fact that we are a couple and it is about both of us...not just one.I do include him in the experience...and am at my wits end on how to make him feel more included...short of doing everything for him anyway!! In essence,this is something we really have to work on between us and Snozzberry...you have really helped me a lot already...your story sounds almost exaclty like ours...Bless you for sharing!!{I got your PM...and I will be in touch;-)}Confunktion:I was thinking the same thing and actually scoured the www for books on the subject,I was in a really bad relationship about 11 years ago and it became pretty bad over my ex's jealousy issues,I don't want to see the same thing happen in this one.My husband now...he's a lot smarter and genuinely caring as opposed to my ex who was a very selfish person unwilling to see his faults. Wish us luck everyone.And...hey...thank you all so very much for lending me your thoughts and expressing your concern.You have all helped me tremendously with this problem.

[JustAskJulie]

To me it sounds like the real problem is that he felt left out. You were out on the dance floor having a ball, what was he doing? Standing on the side-lines watching..... You were making out with a hot woman while she was getting fucked from behind, what was he doing? Standing there watching - again.

No wonder he's not happy. As long as he is left feeling left out this isn't going to work for you. From the sounds of it I don't think you are in a relationship where you will be able to explore your bisexuality on your own, so the only option is to (as you said) drop the idea altogether or to find some way to do so where he can feel fulfilled as well.

One possibility would be to hold off until you can find a single female (or married willing to play alone) that can join the two of you for a threesome (I think you said you had done this before) - in that situation you may be able to find more of a balance where everyone is involved and no one is left watching.