Bisexual Frustration

[SussexCouple]

Could you put a few paragraphs in that post - I keep trying to read it honest.

[Aphrodite]

OMG!! Did I leave the impression that when it was the 4 of us having fun...hubby was left out while the other guy was fucking my new found friend?No,no,no...he was doing me at the time...it was her guy doing her,mine doing me and she and I were touching and kissing each other.I'm sorry if I made it sound like he wasn't involved. The only times he wasn't actively involved was when we were on the dancefloor, but even then, he was dancing with another girl....I hope this clears things up!The only time he was watching was the time the girl and I were getting hot and heavy with a bunch of girls,but like I said, for the rest of the time,he was occupied, too!

[adventureUS2]

Hey I can relate to the husband a bit

My wife is very bi. By very bi I mean she could connect with men and women on the same level emotionally as well as sexually.

I have always wanted my wife to persue her sexuality. Obviousley most men are very turned on by two women having sex. We played with other couples with bi women and that never bothered me at all. I started getting peranoyed when she told me of her fantacy of being alone with another women. I really wanted her to full fill this fantacy but at the same time alot of crazy thoughts were going though my head. After I decided I would not have a problem with her doing it one time. She played with a friend of hers alone. I was very excited for her. Now the question is can she play alone with women more or was that it. Well this is when I started to think all the crazy thoughts."What if she figues out she is really a lesbian?" "What if she falls in love with a women" Most of it had nothing to do with sex. I was worried that her new found sexuality might be more fun and interesting than me.

I was so torn. I wanted her to explore have fun. Hell I wanted to have fun watching. but at the same time I didn't want it to change our relationship.

Looking back now it all seems kind of silly that I would think any of that. My wife and I talked about my insecurities in depth. She did a very good job of reasuring me that I will always come first and her sexuality is an open door to me. She even offered to suppress bieng bi. I would fell like a total jerk if she spent the rest of her life with a void.

All I can say is talk talk talk about it. Most of his problems with your sexuality may be he doesn't know enough about your feelings and intentions.

[twoplayful2]

I don't really get where there is a difference between jealousy of straight or bi sexual urges. If you had this strong desire to be with other men but your husband wasnt comfortable with it, resisting those urges isn't that much different than resisting the urge to be with another woman. What I mean is, you're not holding back a part of your true self any more than me not having sex with my hot, asian neighbor who just moved in. Aah, that's not making my point clear either! What I mean is you shouldn't resent him for making you repress your urges. Whether it's gay, bi, straight, whatever, anyone who's not engaging in the "lifestyle" is repressing their urges if they want to remain faithful to their mate. If your marriage is strong then that's what you do, you remain faithful and keep the trust, honesty and communication going.

I also wonder if you're maybe missing some signs cuz you are so into some particular woman at the time. My wife and I have some rules but sometimes she gets going and seems to forget a bit and zip on past them (and I really don't mind ). She'd say later that she thought it was all okay and I didnt mind but really I'd have had to pinch her ass or something to get her to notice if I had a problem with it, and that would probably have just gotten her more into it. I'm not saying you are or are not missing signs, by the way, I'm just thinking it could happen. If you do end up trying things again maybe try paying extra attention to how he's reacting. Stick together a bit more, don't get quite as "into" things with the other woman. Hey, what many of us guys had to do was practically pretend we couldn't care less about going to a swingers club and let the girl talk us into it or the girl might just feel too paranoid about it to ever go. Just gotta be low-key

[northindycpl]

Ok.. I'll bite... again

It seems to me that is a communications issue, just like the last time you posted. I wouldn't give you my opinion if I thought it wasn't right on track. I understand you are frustrated, but it really just doesn't seem like you and your SO are on the same page. It doesn't seem that way with any of your posts.

maybe you two should try to sit down with paper and pen, and create a list (separately) of everything you hope to achieve in swinging. Give your ideal lifestyle. What would it look like, what would it feel like, how would your marriage be.

Now look at your list and description, and create a new one of how things are now. Compare your notes with your SO and where there is a lag, that is where communication should be focused first.

Lets say your lag is with Bisexual Dancing. Communicate about that. What are his fears? What is your enjoyment, what is his enjoyment, what needs to happen for him to feel included?

And go on down the list from there. It is a suggestion for a good starting point.

[adventureUS2]

Originally Posted by northindycpl

Ok.. I'll bite... again

I understand you are frustrated, but it really just doesn't seem like you and your SO are on the same page. .

As the man in a simular situation it is not always as cut and dry as What does she want, What does he want. There is what you are comfertable with, what you would like to be comfertable with and what you will be comfertable with in the end.

Not all of us have the answers to how we feel about certian situations. Alot of us are still finding out and working through what is comfertable.

My wife and I always talk about where our limitations are and these seem to change with experience.

When we started experimenting with my wifes bi sexuality I had several issues to work through. In the end I wanted her to enjoy her sexuality. I needed to figuer out what I was comfertable with. Sometimes I didn't really know how I felt until we tried it. We just took it one step at a time. After a short period of experimenting I found out alot of my issues were unfounded and easily worked through.

As far as my wife and I being on the same page the only thing that got us to the same page was experience and comunication. Trial and error so to speak.While northindycpl's advice is good it is not always that simple.

[SnozzberryBlu]

Originally Posted by twoplayful2

If you had this strong desire to be with other men but your husband wasnt comfortable with it, resisting those urges isn't that much different than resisting the urge to be with another woman.

Well... ok.. if my husband had breasts, I could agree with you lol... but, all things being even, holding back on screwing the guy across the street is a lot easier with a guy in my bed.

My husband is romantic and loving, yet still I sooo miss the feminine... Sticking with him only all of my life was possible, but I was a real grouch!!! I really believe if I were not bi I would have no "side effects" from ignoring my hot neighbor.

Make sense?

[Aphrodite]

Originally Posted by SnozzberryBlu

Well... ok.. if my husband had breasts, I could agree with you lol... but, all things being even, holding back on screwing the guy across the street is a lot easier with a guy in my bed.

My husband is romantic and loving, yet still I sooo miss the feminine... Sticking with him only all of my life was possible, but I was a real grouch!!! I really believe if I were not bi I would have no "side effects" from ignoring my hot neighbor.

Make sense?

This makes absolute 100% perfect sense,Snozz... I am soooo glad somebody gets what I mean!!


AdventureUs2:
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us...and thank you for adding you input as far as Indy's reply goes.

Indy:I know you mean well...but...you and I will never be on the same page...me thinks!

2playful2:
I know what you're trying to say about me being so into someone that I miss his cues...but this is where I get thrown because I do look for signs he's uncomfortable so,that's not an issue.


We've done a lot of talking over the past few days and little by little we're figuring things out.Our marriage is very important to the both of us.He means the absolute world to me and if I had to give up being bisexual...I would.Frustrations or not.But, I'd rather be who I am and let him be who he is...together...happily! <EG>
For now, there are things we need to tend to and we are.I sincerely believe that everyone goes through bumps in the road on any journey and this journey has at times been really bumpy!! Whether we quit or not remains to be seen, because he still wants to explore the lifestyle,so....we will just have to wait it out and see.
I have no doubt that just about everyone who decides to try swinging runs into issues from time to time,any time more than one person decides to do anything,you're going to run into some trouble every now and again!

[twoplayful2]

Originally Posted by SnozzberryBlu

holding back on screwing the guy across the street is a lot easier with a guy in my bed.

But I really dig asian girls and have never been with one . Anyway, even though I'm with a woman now, I really don't think a bi-sexual womans desire to be with other women is any stronger than most mens desire to be with other women whether they're currently married, single or whatever. If my wife wasn't into swinging then I'd have to repress my desire to be with other women. I hardly think it would be fair of me to resent her for this. I'd just have to suck it up and live with it. Even if I were way into guys , if we were simply in a monogomous relationship because we both weren't comfortable having sex with other people then that's just my issue to deal with. Unless I really wasn't into women or my wife at all then I'm simply repressing my desire to be with other people, same thing millions of people do, and just wouldnt see the fairness of resenting her nor would I expect any kudos or anything like that from it (not that anyone here is, btw).

[Aphrodite]

Originally Posted by twoplayful2

But I really dig asian girls and have never been with one . Anyway, even though I'm with a woman now, I really don't think a bi-sexual womans desire to be with other women is any stronger than most mens desire to be with other women whether they're currently married, single or whatever. If my wife wasn't into swinging then I'd have to repress my desire to be with other women. I hardly think it would be fair of me to resent her for this. I'd just have to suck it up and live with it. Even if I were way into guys , if we were simply in a monogomous relationship because we both weren't comfortable having sex with other people then that's just my issue to deal with. Unless I really wasn't into women or my wife at all then I'm simply repressing my desire to be with other people, same thing millions of people do, and just wouldnt see the fairness of resenting her nor would I expect any kudos or anything like that from it (not that anyone here is, btw).

Okay,let's look at it this way...suppose for whatever reason...you could no longer have sex with women?EVER?????It's hard for straight people to understand the complexities of being bisexual{no offense}.And, the resentment is more a feeling of it not being fair that the man still enjoys a woman,but we{the wives} somehow have to repress that desire when it threatens our husbands.That is NOT fair. You are totally missing the point.IMAGINE never being able to touch a woman again...then we'll chat!

[twoplayful2]

lol, I apologize if I offend with this but I just think it's silly, the whole "you don't know what it's like till you walk in my shoes" thing. It's not like you havent had the taste and you just need to try it out. And it's not like you're really gay and completely missing out on your true calling. Bi doesnt mean it's your destiny to have both, it means that you're open to either. This is all pretty off the main point of the original post anyway, but I just don't think it's healthy for either of you for you to have that resentment and I really that the resentment is a misguided feeling anyway and I'm actually only trying to help with that

Aah, it's just round-and-round anyway so I'll drop it. But it does bring to mind another related topic that I've wondered about and think I'll post in this most interesting of message boards

[Aphrodite]

:rollseyes Okay, I'm going to beat this dead horse one more time and then,I'll drop it! I'm not feeling resentful anymore so it doesn't really matter.It lasted all of about a week. And, since you are not bisexual, I can't help but think you aren't much of the authority on the subject anyway!!
I showed hubby all the posts on here last night and we had quite a good conversation.I think he had an epiphany or something because it was like the sun came out from under a dark cloud.He read your post with interest and said that he understands my frustrations,women are truly unique creatures and he said he can see where I'd feel this way.There are just some things women can do that men can't and vice versa.We've decided to take things slowly and devote more time to just spending it together,however, he still wants to explore this lifestyle and I have decided to take his cues from now on. I want to thank everyone who responded to my thread and I really appreciate all the input.

[twoplayful2]

Surrender

[twoplayful2]

Okay, was going to let that poor horse rest in peace but since it's othewise left at me just being ignorant on the situation, just not understanding "bi-sexuals" instead of just the possibility that we simply don't agree, I told my wife to read up on some threads in here since I was telling her what a cool board this was. Well, of course I steered her towards this one to see what her take would be on it It would seem that bi-sexual wife agrees with me. This was of no great surprise since we've been together for 14 years and I know pretty well how she thinks. So it seems that it just might be possible to write this up as two people not agreeing instead of me just not being able to comprehend the vast difference between straight and bi-sexual people. Nah, impossible!!

[Aphrodite]

Oh BLAH!! I guess the horse is really hatin' us right now!!But, seriously..it would make perfect sense that your wife agrees with you and sees this from your point of view as well as you knowing intuitively what she would think.Just as my husband and I have come to the same conclusions and are now on the same page...that too makes perfect sense,when you are with someone for a long period of time,you tend to be that way. We can just agree to disagree and there is never just one explanation or reasoning for anything.I see it the way I see it and you see it the way you do.Que sera...as the saying goes!! Surrender