Swinging for all the Wrong Reasons

[Scarred]

Hello Everyone,
I have been reading for a while, and wanted to share what happened to me, but more importantly, ask your opinion on what to do now. My husband started off years ago (I was working nights, watching a child during the day), getting into porno heavily, going to strip clubs, and mentioned a few times some "strange things", that scared me. We didn't talk about it, I turned the suggestions down. I didn't know about the porno and the strippers at that time. Years later, he came to me and told me he had a "e mail partner", and that he was going to have a tryst, if he could find someone. Needless to say, I was shattered. He had developed a romantic relationship with this girl. I agreed to try swinging, yes....mostly to save my marriage. At that time, he mentioned that he had a real problem with "lust" for other women. He loved me, but wanted to be with others. To make it short, many battles, and my self esteem dropped into this deep dark barrell of despair. There wasn't any mention of all that you have said is included in the relationship, the closeness, the sharing, it was pretty much an opportunity to "fuck some other woman" (my words...which made him mad" Our first experience was horrible. We met this couple (yes...we made all the mistakes). He had no ground rules for me, which left me feeling like a boat with no mooring, but I asked him to honor some rules I felt I could deal with. Well we agreed to soft swing, with another couple, just to be able to expose me to the situation. We got into bed with them, we were 69'ing,I open my eyes to see him fondling HER! I was shocked, that wasn't the agreement. The other couple also KNEW our situation, we explained gently but clearly. Needless to say, I was emotionally devestated further because he didn't think enough of me to even keep the agreements we had made with one another. In the past, there were several indications that he had cheated, even though he still swears that he didn't. I mean even to phone calls from one of the guys he works with, and a good friend of mine, who took me to the side,tolet me know he was fooling around. The trust issue then was completely gone.After fighting about this (we couldn't seem to talk about it, even though I think we both tried for so long), we finally decided to not to try. I came to the realization that I couldn't do this. I love my husband still, even though I know he wants other women, but I think we are to the point where I can accept it. NOT always comfortably. He told me he wanted someone younger, not necessairly prettier, or sexier, and that makes it hard to deal with when I see him oogling someone. Our relationship has mended somewhat, I know he's trying. He burned his porno (which I DID NOT ask him too), and hasn't been on the computer on the sex sites as much. My question is this. I want him to be happy, but this is not going to incude swinging. I really tried, but it isn't there. I went to a hyptnotist, to enable me to handle the emotional things connected to swinging, I even tried to find "E", and finally just accepted the fact that I CAN'T DO IT. I have opened up to him sexually, so there's little that I won't do with him (except that), but I don't know what else I can do to satifsy that part of him that wants to be with others. What suggestions might you have? BTW, I have thought and thought about this post,trying to be clear, short and simple, yet let you know that I don't condemn swinging, I just should not be a swinger, although I wish that I could. Thank you all!

[Stratecpl]

Scarred,

I'm not an expert, by any means!! But here's my take on it....

This is a tragic story. I'm very sorry that it happened at all. What it all boils down to is a communication gap. As his feelings were growing stronger towards other women, things should have been thoroughly talked out.

People can seek the company of others no matter whether they are swingers or not. The human desires, being what they are, really do have power over the mind. I can't speak for anyone except myself, but I admit that I enjoy female companionship. BUT.... only if my wife is ALSO involved. We do everything together, and that makes it very special. As we see it, to swing together is to stay together! We communicate constantly, and keep our ideas on the table at all times.

In your situation, though, you were forced into trying it. Naturally, you were uncomfortable with it and justifiably so. There has to be trust and respect involved. If he agreed to soft-swing and not involve himself with the other woman, then he should have honored those promioses or agreements. It would have been a hard thing to do, now, but it could have been done.

What would he say if you wanted some younger, bigger, stronger man? Would he feel jealousy? Probably so, just as you did. Remember, what's fair for one is ALSO fair for the other. It has to be fair, not one-sided, or there's no reason to pursue it except for one person's selfish lust.

And selfish lust needs help, in my book.

Good luck, and I hope you work things out!

Ron, Husband of Stratecpl

Well first off, there's a SEVERE lack of COMMUNICATION in your marriage! Trust & Love also have to be communicated to each other or they fall by the wayside. His actions have undermind the foundation of your marriage. And the more he does it, and the more you allow him to do it, the greater BOTH of your suffering will become.

Your marriage obviously means a great deal to you, so here's a few suggestions and hopefully this will help:

**Re-establish the foundation of your marriage. Get the communication flowing again. I (Hubby) highly recommend a full confession of anything and everything that you both have done without each others knowledge. And that's not only about cheating, but EVERYTHING! This will help to re-establish the trust that has been lost. And will open up communication again. And as we know, communication is made up of LISTENING, UNDERSTANDING, AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF EACH OTHER.

**BOTH of you should come and read the Message Board TOGETHER on this site and others, to help understand the sexual side of your marriage. Discuss the posts with each other asking and answering questions like, Do you agree or disagree with the post? Why? Even though you don't want to be a swinger, you still need to understand and be comfortable with your own sexuality.

Once you get the foundation to your marriage stable again, you can think about other "activities" that both of you can explore together, using them to enhance, rather than erode your marriage.

**For example, do you watch adult movies together? Watching movies together is another way to "live out fantasies" in a safe, comfortable way.

**Do you have any sex toys? Are they for him, or just her, or both? I (Wife) suggest having a combination of ALL! *lol* Anyway, you can maybe add the sex toys when watching the adult movies together, that'll make it more "interactive". http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

It's hard to find good sex toys for men, but you both can surf online together on sex toy sites, and "window" shop TOgether. Don't be surprised if sex breaks out spontaneously during these window shopping sessions! http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/wink.gif

**Public Sex. Foreplay in public, is one of the most erotic things you & your partner can do! Like teasing each other in public, caressing each other. And when you get behind closed doors, all that built up SEXual tension.......WHAMMO!!!! Some of the BEST sex in your life! http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/cool.gif

**Sexual Massage. We think those words say it all! http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Obviously, there are many many other things that you can try, this is just a short list of suggestions you can start out with, we're sure you have a list of your own as well. Keep us updated on how things are progressing! http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/smile.gif


Looking Forward;
Husband & Wife of CyberMWCouple

[This message has been edited by CyberMWCouple (edited 07-08-2001).]

[LIZA]

I don't agree that this is a lack of communication, really. I think your husband is basically a selfish, abusive ASSHOLE!
To tell you to your face he wants some YOUNGER? To tell you he is having cyber sex and plans on cheating IF he can find someone?
My husband would have been out the door and looking for a lawyer if he dared to say or do anything like that to me.
Now, I think the perfect solution for you would be to jump into swinging whole heartedly and give him a taste of his own medicine. If you go to a swing club, you will get a LOT more attention than he........do some research and find one that allows single men. He will probably spend the whole night sitting at the bar pouting. I know this is not something you want, so I am half kidding, but it would serve him right!
Or tell him you are planning a "tryst" IF you can find someone..........He should know that a married woman looking for no-strings sex could find someone in about 15 minutes
I think your husband has been playing dirty with you for a long time and instead of "accepting" his behaviour, you need to give him a taste of what it feels like.
It may change his outlook.
Otherwise, let him try swinging as a horny, married guy on his own............He won't get very far. Sure the strippers are nice to him..........he's PAYING them to be nice. Your average woman is not all that keen on desperate,cheating married men

[This message has been edited by LIZA (edited 07-08-2001).]

Although I lean towards Liza on this one, We attempted to provide some alternatives to divorce or murder.

CyberHusband

[Stratecpl]

Like I said in a post about a similar situation a few days ago... three words...testicles..pole...frontyard... http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/smile.gif

Connie

[CindyB]

Originally posted by Stratecpl:
Like I said in a post about a similar situation a few days ago... three words...testicles..pole...frontyard... http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/smile.gif

Connie

Connie... I like the way you think. I believe we would get along just fine.

[JustAskJulie]

Honestly it sounds to me as tho your hubby is one of those that falls into the category of "addicted to sex". He has gotten so involved with what he thinks he needs that it is affecting his daily life with you and his relationship with you. We mentioned this a little in another topic somewhere.

You have obviously fallen so far down on his list of priorities that what you say doesn't count. He should never have tried to push you into swinging, and no one should ever try to use swinging to save a marriage (although it happens all the time). When using swinging to "save" a marriage it is only more likely to just cause more damage than has already been done.

I actually also have to agree with Liza for the most part on this one.. however I wouldn't say jump into swinging or go out and cheat just to give him a taste of his own medicine.. I would say leave his ass and do what makes you happy. I realize you still love him, however staying with him is only hurting you emotionally and mentally on a continuing basis. You have to think about what is best for you as a person.. and sometimes Love just ain't enough... especially if it isn't returned in its proper form.

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

[LaylaSusanne]

BRAVO, Julie!

I was going to mention sex addiction, but I wasn't sure how well it would go over.

I'd have to agree with Julie here. It sure does sound like he has a problem, which has NOTHING to do with you. Except that it's becoming your problem, too.

You really need to decide what is best for YOU, and what you need to do to make yourself happy. I would strongly suggest therapy or counseling of some sort.

There is help available for him, if he decides he wants it. I know of one site, http://www.sexaddictionhelp.com/ Which seems to be pretty good, and includes info for spouses/partners.

(One of my friends sent me this when I told her hubby and I had begun swinging...different situation, though, we really did both want to, and enjoy it http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/smile.gif)

[CanadianCouple]

Originally posted by Stratecpl:
Like I said in a post about a similar situation a few days ago... three words...testicles..pole...frontyard... http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/smile.gif

Connie

To plagiarize a line from Seinfeld, after reading Connie's post it shrank like a frightened turtle.

Dan