Pushy Male at Party

We just attended our first party. It was off-premises. Here is what happened...

We agreed to meet a couple at the party. We had chatted with them quite a bit but never met. When we got there they had another couple with them. We had chatted with this other couple a very few times. He came onto me really strongly. Got me on the dance floor and was kissing me and stuff. I should have told him to stop or slow down but I was kinda overwhelmed by the whole thing.

We ended up going home with the original couple and the other couple seemed to me to kind of invite themselves along with us.

Didn't end up with the pushy man either (thank god). Our spouses did though.

My worry now is that the people who didn't know us or those that did but not well will think badly of me because of the scenes that man and I made on the dance floor. Everytime we danced he wanted to suck my face off. Like I said I didn't want to be hatefull and I had never been to a party before and didn't want everyone to think I was a bitch. Now I am afraid they will just think I am trashy.

Am I worried unneccesarily and have I done irrepairible damage to my reputation?

[JustAskJulie]

You are probably worried unnecesarily. Those things happen and I wouldn't worry about it.

You live and learn and next time if you don't feel comfortable I have a feeling you'll be much more inclined to ask them to slow down.

[OneOfTwo]

Dear Too Much...

We've learned this is very much a "learning" experience. No matter how much you read about this and discuss every possible scenario imaginable to prepare yourselves, there will always be that one thing..or two things...or... Well, you get the picture.

Take a deep breath. With what you know now, you should be able to set your limits and make them known to others without being "bitchy". I suspect that in the future, you'll recognize that particular problem and politely put a stop to it before it gets out of hand.

As for appearing "trashy"... you know you aren't. That's the most important thing. Hold your head up and go back and enjoy yourself!!

[pelagic argosy]

This thread has me thinking. Is it me or is there an unspoken acknowledgement among swingers that there is an inherent danger at parties or clubs, especially for females? We have run into a lot of aggressive males (single AND married)including one very bad encounter. We've also seen women at clubs who are, for lack of a better term, being jumped, and I've had to intervene once or twice.

I think most of us realize this because one of the first pieces of advice I received, and one I run across from time to time on message board is "Do not leave your wife alone." Why is that? I wouldn't have a problem leaving my wife alone at a dance club to get a drink, etc.

I don't want to be a wet blanket. I think this might be an inportant discussion to have, maybe discussing this might make things a bit safer for everyone.

[JustAskJulie]

I think a lot has to do with the club and with the woman. I have found that many men do tend to be aggressive at swing clubs. Why there vs. a dance club? Simple. They figure that everyone who is there is there for the same reason.. to meet people and swing. What many of them don't grasp is that just because we are there to swing doesn't mean we are there to swing WITH THEM.

[danc694u]

We've run into the same problem from time to time. And, we've had other couples complain about the "octopus" they just met. While we don't link it to the "club" per se. We do feel that there are a lot of people that think it's a "free" meat market, and act accordingly.

I believe a lot of the "cliquish" type groups we see, are that way to protect the women from these type of men (married or single).

We've worked around some of the issues, by sending the "offender" to me for permission While that doesn't address the immediate problem. It does cut it short, for the remainder of the night.

Work your signals to each other out. Then make sure they're applied. You'd be really surprised what a NO will do for these types.

The trashy part? That's something we've learned to deal with or completely overlook ourselves. A lot of times you just get caught in a situation, like you described. Also, if "normal" people (read non swingers)realized the the "so-called" non trashy swingers were swingers. We would all be labeled trashy.

[pelagic argosy]

It's ironic that clubs were formed to provide safe ways of living the swinging lifestyle, only to have regular bars and dance club almost be safer.

[JustAskJulie]

Not sure what the original club was formed for, but I think nowadays most clubs are formed by people looking to make a buck off of the lifestyle (I know that they all aren't, but way too many are).

[danc694u]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie:
<STRONG>I think nowadays most clubs are formed by people looking to make a buck off of the lifestyle (I know that they all aren't, but way too many are).</STRONG>

That's why we always stress to new couples/people that they attend differant clubs. To get an idea of what the owners are about. And, to meet other couples that may or may not like what that particular club has to offer.

At this moment, we have 5 clubs within 45 minutes of us. ONLY 1 that we attend. We just don't like the others...period. The one we attend is relativly new, less than 18 months. But they have 5 times the number of people that attend. And, the host/hostess are the best we've met in a long time.

Good operators, will find lots of good people to attend without trying.

[Karen and Doug]

Boy oh Boy does this sound familier to us!! In the first place, once you indicated that you wanted to slow down and he didn't, he went too far and was definately out of bounds. Those who can't, don't (or won't) take "no" for an answer don't respect the ones they are with anyway. (I suppose that afterward you actually felt like he treated you like a whore.) and that would be the natural reponse - if ANY MAN ...ANY MAN ever treated me like that, well he'd have a few choice words from me about what "No" means...even if we were on the dance floor...it's amazing what embarassment does to the male ego...but first try just walking away leaving him standing there. It works wonders.

Karen

[Indycpl]

How ironic... I have been in a very similar situation as you.... Some men 'without a clue' tend to think these clubs are a free sex market and they can take anything and anyone they see, forgetting about the number one rule... NO MEANS NO!!!

I have to agree with Pelagic Argosy on this one. Stay with your spouse. At least until you have the chance to observe the other people and get a good feel for the men who are also there.

About feeling 'trashy'.... you shouldn't! The clubs are the place for people in the lifestyle to have fun in an uninhibited environment. Most people who have been to a club or have been in the lifestyle for awhile have seen public displays like yours, and even ones that are much more provocative. Live and Learn! Good Luck!

[babycakes3216900]

speaking just for myself..most men single and married were polite when I fequented a swingers party or club... But of course like anywhere in life you are going to meet some undesireable agressive, rude people. you have to put these people in their right place, stand your ground and let them know what level you are on and in a polite way let your preferences known. Most times everyone knew the rules no means no thank you! bc Don't cut yourself down they have the problem