Wife was sick, told me to have fun anyway.

[sky]

Last weekend, My wife and I met with a couple is Vegas to live out some fantansies. We had been communicating with this couple for about 3 months and had met them on a trip to Mexico some time back. We had discussions about limits and comfort levels. We had never done this before but thought we were ready. They had had been in the lifestlye but not active for a while. Here it is in a nut shell. We booked connecting rooms and we arrived first. The night they arrived, we were already for action, except my wife became sick. She tried to feel better to no avail. She excused herself to our room and I tried to go with her. She said no, that she knew how much I wanted this and for me to stay and have fun with the other couple and that she would be back after she threw up. I stayed and after about 30 minutes, I went to check on her. She was indeed sick. I told her I would go inform our friends that tonight was out and we would see them the next morning. She insisted that I join them and "have fun". I told her time and again that I would not do that without her to the point she told me she would be very angry if I did not do this as she felt bad about being sick and keeping the female of the couple from getting her birthday wish, 2 men at once. She assured me over and over that it was fine and even told me to tell the female "happy birthday" and to make sur she did indeed have her wish come true. I even made mention of us being in the next room. She told me to turn on the tv and she would be fine as she took a pill to help her sleep. I joined the couple and enjoyed a great time in the next room. When it was over, I returned to our room to find the TV off and my wife an emotional wreck. There is more to this story but my question is, who was responsible for this? I am catching major grief and our marriage is questionable now. (not before this) She has a problem with I broke the wedding vows. All comments are welcomed. I need help and something in writting to get through this.

[fun_pairTX]

Something isn't right somewhere. Sit down together and go over the whole scenario in chronological order. Don't even think of swinging until this is all ironed out. We don't feel that there is enough information to truly form an opinion from our end.

[hotcpl4unfla]

Bottom line IMHO, is that swinging is supposed to be a thing that is done as a couple. I don't think anyone takes ALL the blame here, but you both share the responsibility. On one hand, your wife pushed you into a situation she was not emotionally ready to deal with. What further complicated the matter was due to her illness, she could not experience any sexual excitement/tension (why she wanted the TV on?) and instead had to mentally dwell on the thought of what her husband was doing in the next room without her. On the other hand, you probably should have stuck to your guns, and told her the whole thing was off until she felt better, period. Then stayed with her and rethought your situation when she felt better. The good thing about this is that since blame is equally shared, you both have a solid foundation to rebuild trust and communication should another swinging situation present itself. This whole scenario might have been different if she was perfectly healthy and elected to stay in the other room so she could hear the noises on the other side of the wall and get turned on as well, possibly joining in or having a great 1 on 1 with you later. As it stands, she "got the short end of the stick", and while everyone was sexually satisfied, she was left to fend for herself. No offense to the female crowd here , but sometimes women may tell you to do the opposite of what they want you to do... simply to see how you handle the situation. This is a bad time to practice this psychology, though, right in the middle of a swinging situation. Deep inside, I think she hoped you would tell her "no way", called it off with the other coulple, then ran to the local restaurant and fetched her a cup of chicken soup. I may be way off base here, but that is just my opinion.

[Brit_Pair]

We'd go along with most of hotcpl4unfla's analysis and advice. It's hard to say with any certainty if your wife was playing psychological games when she insisted you go ahead and play without her - though her subsequent reaction lends that hypothesis a certain credibility - but at the end of the day, this was a 50-50 decision, and the resulting mess has to attributed to you both equally.

So in answer to your question, "Who was responsible for this?", you both were. Once you're both able to accept that, you'll be able to move on. From what you've said though, your wife may have a harder time accepting that than you do. Just be honest with her, and encourage her to be honest with you. That's the way out of this situation.

Now whether the future involves swinging again is up to you both, but as fun_pairTX said, don't even think about involving other people until you are both certain it's what you want.

Good luck.

[DragonsLair]

I wholeheartedly agree with the advice you've been given. You need to talk about it. And take your time. It may take several conversations before everything is worked out. Both of you are to blame in this situation. But if you value your relationship and want to keep it, talk.

Best of luck to you. Please let us know what happens.

DragonsLair

He is T. I am A.

[Roxysbayou]

I do agree...but here is my two cents...

Sometimes we say things that we don't really mean because we don't want to disappoint you. That sounds like the case here, to me at least. It sounds like she didn't want to ruin it for you, so she made you go even though she was miserable and probably needed you there with her. Then when you actually went, she started feeling a little unloved (for lack of a better word) or regected.

Plus I am sure that the illness and the medication only amplied what she was feeling.

I am NOT saying that anyone is at fault here. I am just saying that sometimes we say things for reasons that maybe you don't quite see at first.

[Bob123]

I think Roxy is absolutely correct. No one is to blame. Even if you both are to blame you cancel each other out so no one is to blame.

I have not been swinging before but it seems to me sometimes the women feel pressured into situations they do not like. I do not know why your wife told you to go ahead.

It seems to me that couples should work these things out in advance before they get into these situations. Also I do not think people should worry about the other couples expectations to the point of not being true to their own feelings.

Sit down and talk to her and listen to what she has to say without telling her that she is to blame. There are no winners or losers. You guys are a couple and are both on the same team. Take some time to figuer this out and talk with each other. Maybe you would both be better off apart or maybe you should stay together, that is for you two to decide.

If it was me I would not want to be with a woman who tried to lay a guilt trip on me and lied to me.

[Roxysbayou]

Originally posted by Bob123
If it was me I would not want to be with a woman who tried to lay a guilt trip on me and lied to me.

Uh Bob. I don't think she was laying a "guilt trip" or lying. I just think that she didn't want to spoil it for him and it ended up hurting her more than she thought that it would.


{ dear lord, please let Bob open his eyes to the way that real women are and to how they think. he definitely has a lot to learn and i feel that he will die a very lonely little man if he doesn't. thanks lord. amen. }

[Bob123]

Roxy I would be honored if you would explain it to me. She said she would be angry if he didn't do it and now she is angry that he did and she will not be held accountable for her decisions.

[Roxysbayou]

All that I am saying is that she had good intentions by telling him to go. She just didn't want to be the party pooper, but she didn't stop to think about how it would really make her feel. It is not his fault, I think that she was just a little irrational in her judgement on handling the situation.

[Bob123]

I know, but he seems to be taking all the heat for her decision. don't you think so?

[Roxysbayou]

OK. I missed that broken wedding vows thing the first time that I read it. That's a little wacky. She obviously wasn't ready for the lifestyle. I stand corected.

Roxy- (who is now bowing out to Bob)

[Bob123]

I do realize this is only his side of the story. But I trust he is being forthright and truthful. If not then all the advice he has been given and his post itself is a waste of everyone's time.

[Roxysbayou]

Hmm... there is always 2 sides to the story. I know that if I were that sick I would feel like an idiot and that I was ruining everybody elses good time. But at the same time if I were the other couple involved, I would not have played knowing that the other women was in the next room puking her guts out. I would have just had a fun night in Mexico and waited until the next day. I ma not sure why hubby would feel so obligated to carry on without her. But that's just me.

[21mfmarried]

I completely understand what sky is going through. My wife does that crap to me all the time, not with swinging, but everything else. Like if I want to go out with my buddies, or even go to the store without her. She will be like "Go ahead and go, I don't wanna go." But when I get back " YOU DUMB BASTARD, ........" You get the idea. I think it was not so much she didn't think it through, I get the vibe off of the whole ordeal that he was really the main pusher in to the lifestyle, and she forced herself along. Considering the fact that it was their first time, and she wasn't there to enjoy it too. Which also would have been a softener on her feelings. She reacted a lot worse than had she of been there. The whole marriage vow thing would have been broken had she been there or not. So, that really doesn't fly well, but because she was not there, she sees it more. I hope I am being clear in what I am saying and not confusing the crap outta anyone.