Outted myself in a most horrifying way...read on

[intuition897]

Okay, all of y'all are going to want to puke at this and you'll be thanking GOD that it wasn't you. Even you atheists out there.

Brace yourself...

I not only outed myself (I think), I revealed another scary secret about myself: I talk to myself when I'm alone driving in the car. It's a helluva long commute to and from work, and sometimes I have a lot on my mind. Music works sometimes, but other times, I just need to vocalize my thoughts, set them in order and make them make sense to myself. What comes out sounds a bit like a monologue you'd hear on a podcast/audioblog.

I find the fact that I do this quite embarrassing to begin with, but it's harmless enough, right? I can talk about any old thing I please, as loud as I please, get it off my chest and get it out of my system. It's a good stress reliever. Wonderful.

So anyhow, I was driving home the other day from work and I had attended a workshop on Queer Positive Spaces, which is like sensitivity training for working within a LGBTQ-pro environment. This sparked my imagination and creativity and I started putting thoughts together. What about swingers? How, if at all, would they fit under this umbrella? So I started on my monologue. It lasted a good while, covering a wide array of issues in what I felt was a coherent and organized manner and wrapped it up nicely when I pulled into the driveway. I'm getting things gathered up to head into the house and happen to glance down at my cell phone which was plugged into my handsfree headset (earphones weren't in, but the mic was clipped to my lapel).

The screen was lit. It had accidentally dialed my VERY VANILLA best friend since childhood and had been online for 2 minutes and 47 seconds.



I hung it up and literally threw the blasted contraption away from me like it was on fire. My hands started to shake and my stomach clenched. Oh. My. God. WTF have I done? So for 2:47, my poor friend got an earful of some very um...enlightening...conversation. I found a pair of balls and called her back immediately, knowing that delaying it would only make it seem worse. I lied my ass off, telling her that what she heard was a podcast recording that I was listening to on the speaker (recorded from the workshop I attended earlier that day, conveniently), and I must have accidentally dialed her number and that's what she heard.

Okay people...give it to me straight. How believable does that sound? I WAS at a workshop that fit nicely into my explanation. It's a quasi-reasonable explanation as long as she doesn't look up the particulars of my phone and find out that it doesn't have this kind of capability. And of course, being an extreme vanilla, she WANTS to believe me.

Here's the catch: she had 2 minutes and 47 seconds to recognize my voice. Do you think the desire to believe me might be enough to overcome what her ears told her? The voice might've sounded like me, but the "me" she knows would NEVER say the things I was saying.

Sympathy cards welcome.

[Edison Carter]

If you never bring it up again, neither will she. -- Ed

[intuition897]

I'm just concerned because she's deeply religious, and she might feel it's her duty to get together an exorcism posse, likely consisting of a large number of my equally devout family members and her father, a minister, and all of them show up on my doorstep ready to thump me back onto the straight and narrow.

Okay, that's a pretty extreme fear, and I'm hoping she'll just keep it to herself. It was pretty scary sounding stuff, no doubt. So I doubt she'll want to bring it up again. But I'm afraid it's one of those things that if we don't talk about it, it makes it even more suspicious.

[avid]

The fear will fade. Every day that you don't mention it, it will get farther away.

You're right, she WANTS to believe you.

I'm sorry for the heart attack you gave yourself.

Keep breathing, okay?

[jedi6942]

I don't have any advise for how to handle this; but I loved reading the story. You just made my day. I feel better about that time I asked a workmate if he minded if I hit on his hot wife (jesting). He said not at all, picked up the phone, dialed her number and handed me the phone. All of this with everyone else in the work area watching. How do you recover from a blunder like that?

It has been a long day. Thank you!

[Swingercast]

I can't tell you how many times I have been on both ends of a similar situation. I've never listened to one of my friends for more than half a minute or so (that's usually when the guilt overcomes the voyeur in me).

I like the "don't bring it up again" approach that others have suggested unless you decide you need to discuss it in depth with your friend.

Okay people...give it to me straight. How believable does that sound?

Um, I just ran the numbers through the Swinger HQ multi-weird-experiences computer. The results?:

Depending on the gullibility of your friend, and if she is reasonably intelligent, I'd say you are screwed. Sorry.

If they bring the posse after you I guess you could always make a podcast and point them to that?

Good luck.

John

[ncmd_couple]

Intuition,

I always find it interesting when people are concerned when a, "highly religious" person is exposed to something that we feel will violate their religious beliefs and then cause a strong reaction from them.

I grew up in a small N.E. Texas town. Dry county. And the Southern Babtist Church, and all of its tabus about just about everything, were the public norm. My bet is that because this was not a "public" thing that she would be forced to react to because of her public persona, there will be no reaction from her at all.

The hypocrocy of most organized religions is that they are "do as I say, not as I do." Keep in mind that if she is married, and has children, then you can bet that she is pretty well exposed to sex. She probably has a battery powered friend hidden in a drawer somewhere. And she probably has fantasies that could be just about anything.

I find it interesting that she hung on and listened for three minutes. My experience has been that the truly hyper religious would have hung up the instant that she figured out what you were talking about. But she didn't. That means she was interested in listening to what you were saying. If it had disgusted her, she would have hung up.

And yes, the subterfuge that it was a recording isn't going to wash. She recognized your voice. But that is ok. She now has an excuse to ignore it if she wishes. But I bet you gave her some food for thought.

My suggestion is to ignore the whole event. Act the way you normally would around her and play like it didn't happen.

S

[Tybee Swing]

Intuition, I'm sorry this happened! I would be on pins and needles if certain people found out, too.

I agree with the others who said that she's probably intelligent enough to know it was your voice. I also agree with the others that she may well choose to accept your excuse and not talk about it again. I second the motion that you just go on from here, as if it didn't happen. If she "plays" that way too, it's what she wants - to just forget about it.

[cplnuswing]

That is a worst nightmare come true, so sorry it happened to you.

99% certainty she recognized your voice. When her phone rang, your's is the voice she was expecting to hear, so very unlikely she didn't recognize it as you even though the words she heard weren't what she was expecting.

She probably does want to believe you, but I wouldn't confuse that with whether she really did or not. Without knowing the dynamics of the friendship, my guess is out of politeness if nothing else she is going to acknowledge to you that she accepts your explanation, whether she really does or not. She can still have serious doubt without flat out telling you she doesn't believe you.

Everybody has moments in life that were mortifying in their mind and they would give anything to take back. No matter how vanilla, your friend is no exception. Friends keep friend's moments to themselves knowing they would hope for the same were the roles reversed.

She didn't hang up on the initial call and she took your call back, so the damage is probably not as bad as you are making it out in your mind to be. She probably can't help herself from being very curious wondering "what was that all about?" Most likely she will keep what she thinks she has learned to herself, but her opinion of you (and even others associated with you) may have suffered. That's rough, but it's the way people are. It's painting with a broad brush, but it seems the more religious someone is, the more likely they are to judge others. It would take someone really out there though to want to blow this up on a friend by calling in family, etc for an intervention/exorcism. For what small consolation it is, if she's that type, she's someone to steer clear of anyway.

Act normal, play it cool. In your mind finesse the story keying on the work-related aspect to make it even more believable and to reinforce the "out" on what she wants to believe about you. Don't directly bring it up with her, but subtly give her an opening to ask and if she bites, then present the finessed version. Don't let it turn into a Q&A session about your personal life/beliefs, stick with the story and go no further, no matter how tempting. If she doesn't bite, let it die. Either way, that should be the end of it, although be prepared for the possibility that your friendship will recalibrate and be different from this point forward.

If your worst fear comes true (very unlikely) and others get involved, same thing. Present finessed story, nothing more, then push back at any attempts of digging for more details.

Time heals all, so this too will pass.

[singleagain]

OP said, "I talk to myself when I'm alone driving in the car...sometimes I have a lot on my mind. Music works sometimes, but other times, I just need to vocalize my thoughts, set them in order and make them make sense to myself."

Wow...thats me...I do that all the time. I drive abut 35,000 miles per year, mostly by myself. I always double check my cell phone before I start one of my monologues. The same thing has happened to me. I knew we were kindred spirits!

cplnuswing said, "Act normal, play it cool." Good advice. One problem. If she says she knows without a doubt that it was you talking and she now has come to beleive your are some kind of "pervert"...well then, just act normal...play it cool. Cool confidence under fire will always prevail! My personal opinion...you are more normal than most of the rest of the world. You know what you want in life and you make no apologies. That is the whole of the "cool confidence" you need to exude. And as a couple of others here have said, she might even be interested herself...

[De and Ci]

don't worry. If she brings it up again, just stick to your story. I mean she hasn't witnessed you in the act of swangin'? So just deny, deny, deny!

[intuition897]

This is definitely one of my worst nightmares come true. The only worse person who could've picked up the phone was my Mom. Now THAT...that would've been REALLY bad.

I wouldn't say my friend is stupid at all. But she's definitely a victim of religious brainwashing. It's part of who she is now, and it's what she's been marinated in since...well...birth. It works for her, though; she's happy in her life. She probably hung on the line scared shitless. This is like walking in on someone in while they're masturbating! She's the kind of person who doesn't even want to admit that sort of thing goes on, let alone see it. I think she still won't have sex with the lights on. I'm thinking that I just did my best to give her an out to cling to if she chooses to. Sort of my unspoken way of saying, "I'm offering to never bring this up or expose you to it again."

SingleAgain: Thank you thank you thank you. I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the only one who does this. It's something I never even told Mr. intuition about because I thought it was so weird! And there's not much he doesn't know about me. I'm sorry to hear that this has happened to you, too. You can bet your ass it won't happen again though!!

I think if she backs me into a corner and confronts me, saying it was definitely me, I'll be left with no choice but to 'fess up and explain that what she heard was a) taken out of context, b) not meant for her to hear, and c) a very personal thought. I'd have to tell her that my phony explanation was my shoddy attempt at smoothing down the edges and trying to keep something that doesn't change anything between us from causing a rift. This is something that has been true about me for a long time now, and it hasn't changed the 'me' she knows. I just don't want anything to damage our friendship. It would really truly break my heart to lose a lifelong friendship over something like this. Like many religious nuts, she doesn't subscribe to the live-and-let-live thing. She feels it's her personal responsibility to evangelize and save souls by getting them to conform to the status quo. At least, this is what I believe about her.

[ncmd_couple]

Intuition,

Keep in mind that everyone, you, and me included, have two personas at least. Who we present to the general public, and who we really are. In your friends case, she probably has three or four. Her public persona, her church persona, her husband persona (if she has one) and who she really is. Don't judge her yet. Believe me, I grew up with this.

S

[Genie]

You may be surprised...the Swingers Board may get a new member out of this.
I think "ncmd couple" has it right. There is the persona she presents to her friends but her personal thoughts, feelings and fantasys may be quite different. My experience is a case in point; my present wife I met at a church youth group...I went there because I knew that was a frustrated bunch of people...I wasn't wrong.

[two4youinswva]

First of all:
O
M
G
!

I feel for you. That is a 6-pack of major suck. I can imagine that moment of panic when you realized what was going on.

Originally Posted by intuition897

I think if she backs me into a corner and confronts me, saying it was definitely me, I'll be left with no choice but to 'fess up and explain that what she heard was a) taken out of context, b) not meant for her to hear, and c) a very personal thought. I'd have to tell her that my phony explanation was my shoddy attempt at smoothing down the edges and trying to keep something that doesn't change anything between us from causing a rift.

I like this. It's hard to argue with, and puts the issue to rest (or at least should).

Best of luck to you with this.
Hopefully, this will result in a story you can laugh about in the future, and not some major BS.