Outted myself in a most horrifying way...read on

[singleagain]

Don't quit verbalizing your thoughts outloud...just keep the phone off ). The best way to strengthen your resolve on any issue is to state outloud how you feel about it.

[intuition897]

ncmd_couple: I know that there are secret parts of each of us, her included. I mean, I KNOW this about her, because the things she professes to believe can't be believed by a completely logical and intelligent mind. Not her faith, but the things she attaches to it. What she says is right and wrong. It's all learned thoughts and behaviour (I should know...I grew up marinated in it, too). But it feels wrong to me to point that out to her if she doesn't want to believe anything different. I'm just saying that it only makes sense that there are parts of each person that no one knows but the person him or herself. That's the essence of being human.

However, I've known her since we were 3. Literally. When we were about 7 or 8, we made a promise to always remain friends and, silly as it might sound, it really did stick. We've made sure that we each stood by our word. And now this. This really could cause a problem between us because she is NOT open-minded. Everything in me screams that she will not understand. It's why I never told her about it. We all have to trust our gut, and that's what my gut tells me: she can't - or won't - handle it. What she'll see is that I am "unwell". That my life - spiritual life, marital relationship, self-esteem, etc. - are in the crapper, and the things she heard are evidence of that. If my fears are correct, the option of trusting me when I say I'm fine is no longer there for her...because I am unfit to judge whether I'm okay or not. Like an anorexic says there's nothing wrong with not wanting to eat, or the alcoholic/addict says he/she can stop anytime they want to. To her, it will just sound like denial.

I'm bracing myself. But I don't want to let this go for too long. I do want to talk with her soon and start getting things back on track if possible, or dealing with the awkwardness if necessary. I'm still going to try the denial route, because it's the least painful and most available for both of us. If she won't go for it, it's on to Plan B.

[SW_PA_Couple]

You have my sympathy, for sure. But this does remind me of the classic multiple-choice examination you give to a prospective candidate for a traveling salesman's job. You relate this scenario. A salesman takes his client out to dinner at a nice restaurant and after a while spots a really sharp young woman at another table. Having had a drink or two, he begins to describe, in lurid detail, what he would do with the woman if given the opportunity. The client says in a matter-of-fact tone of voice, "That young woman is my daughter." Here's the multiple choice: A) Pretend you are being treated for a rare mental illness. B) Offer to marry her. C) Apologize profusely. D) Leave your table, go sit down with the young woman, relate the whole story again and hope for the best.

I'm thinking that you, like the guy in the story, might want to admit that it is all true and hope for the best.

M

[ncmd_couple]

Originally Posted by intuition897

ncmd_couple: I know that there are secret parts of each of us, her included. I mean, I KNOW this about her, because the things she professes to believe can't be believed by a completely logical and intelligent mind. Not her faith, but the things she attaches to it. What she says is right and wrong. It's all learned thoughts and behaviour (I should know...I grew up marinated in it, too). But it feels wrong to me to point that out to her if she doesn't want to believe anything different. I'm just saying that it only makes sense that there are parts of each person that no one knows but the person him or herself. That's the essence of being human.

However, I've known her since we were 3. Literally. When we were about 7 or 8, we made a promise to always remain friends and, silly as it might sound, it really did stick. We've made sure that we each stood by our word. And now this. This really could cause a problem between us because she is NOT open-minded. Everything in me screams that she will not understand. It's why I never told her about it. We all have to trust our gut, and that's what my gut tells me: she can't - or won't - handle it. What she'll see is that I am "unwell". That my life - spiritual life, marital relationship, self-esteem, etc. - are in the crapper, and the things she heard are evidence of that. If my fears are correct, the option of trusting me when I say I'm fine is no longer there for her...because I am unfit to judge whether I'm okay or not. Like an anorexic says there's nothing wrong with not wanting to eat, or the alcoholic/addict says he/she can stop anytime they want to. To her, it will just sound like denial.

I'm bracing myself. But I don't want to let this go for too long. I do want to talk with her soon and start getting things back on track if possible, or dealing with the awkwardness if necessary. I'm still going to try the denial route, because it's the least painful and most available for both of us. If she won't go for it, it's on to Plan B.

Well, in that case, go with your gut instincts and hope for the best. But there is just one thing that I have learned in life, "to your own self be true." Good luck!

S

[daisy girl]

Personally, I would just stick to my story. Chances are, she won't bring it up...ever. Just relax...if you start to act suspicious, then she will start to wonder.

By the way, a similar thing happened to us...he called his brother when we were on the way to visit friends .

[TNT]

Originally Posted by intuition897

I found a pair of balls and called her back immediately, knowing that delaying it would only make it seem worse. I lied my ass off, telling her that what she heard was a podcast recording that I was listening to on the speaker (recorded from the workshop I attended earlier that day, conveniently), and I must have accidentally dialed her number and that's what she heard.

I'm curious...what did she say when you called her back? How did she react?

If you don't make a big deal about it, hopefully she won't either. Most people would rather believe a lie than the truth any day, so hopefully she'll take your explanation and that'll be the end of it.

I wouldn't mention anything else about it. If she brings it up, you have the choice of either lying again and reiterating your original lie or just tell her that you love her, you value her friendship but this is one part of your life that is none of her business.

Good luck,

Teresa

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by TNT

I'm curious...what did she say when you called her back? How did she react?

She called the house and asked for me, actually. Mr. intuition asked me if I had gotten hold of her when I got back in. In the meantime, it took me about 2 minutes to stop hyperventilating and shaking and call her. I tried to keep the loud, high-pitch squeal out of my voice as I spoke, and I hope it worked. I started out by explaining that I was listening to a recording from my workshop that day (they brought speakers in and everything), and I must've accidentally hit the dial button. My phone has a speaker feature, so that sort of works. "Yeah," she said, "I heard some sort of...conversation...and I kept saying 'Hello?!' but..." I said the headphones were plugged in, but I didn't have them in, so I didn't hear her (I didn't mention that it had a mic!). "Oh" she said, "yeah, it was...WEIRD stuff...what kind of workshop was it?" I explained that it was a workshop on Positive Spaces for people who are in alternative lifestyles. She's laughing nervously throughout our conversation, but not enough. I said, "well if I'm going to call you, I guess I'd better say something, eh?" and I proceeded to make chit chat for a bit. Probably about a minute later, she says, "Well I'd better not run your cell phone bill up." and we said goodbye and hung up. My impression was that she was freaked out and didn't want to talk to me.
That's where it was left.

Originally Posted by TNT

Most people would rather believe a lie than the truth any day, so hopefully she'll take your explanation and that'll be the end of it.

This is what I'm hoping for, and my thoughts exactly.

Originally Posted by TNT

I wouldn't mention anything else about it. If she brings it up, you have the choice of either lying again and reiterating your original lie or just tell her that you love her, you value her friendship but this is one part of your life that is none of her business.

Good luck,

Teresa

Thanks, Teresa. I really wish I could trust her with the truth. Trouble is, she lives in the small town where I grew up...where my parents still live. If this ever got around - and it would! - I'd never feel comfortable going home again. You know how small towns are. I would have to ask her to vow to never say anything about it to anyone...not even her husband. I am afraid this is too big a burden to place on her, because to her, it's like asking her to please not call the cops when you've murdered someone. It would be a black spot on her conscience because everything about her that I know tells me that she would NOT agree with it. She would feel that it's wrong. So if she doesn't take the way out that I've given her (the lie), she'd better be ready for the truth. I'm just not sure she is. I'd love to feel optimistic about the outcome of such a conversation, but you know how arguments against opponents of swinging go. Everyone ends the conversation, neither party convinced of anything the other said.

If we get into it, I might refer her to libchrist.com It's not the be-all-end-all of poly-swinging-Christian theory, but it might be enough to start chewing on. The worst part is, I used to be where she is, and I know exactly how these ramblings must sound to her. They sound so wrong, sick and twisted. And even the attempts to on the "sicko's" part to help me understand only sounded like Satan trying to lure me away from the straight and narrow path to salvation. I've since come to realize that our definitions of God, Jesus, heaven, salvation, etc don't change what actually is. People keep trying to make reality fit their conceptions, when our job is the other way around: just look for the truth of things, and it will all suddenly fit together and make sense. And to not be afraid of truth.

I just wanted to thank everyone for the support. Seriously it does make it easier to deal with to hear other perspectives and your encouragement. I'm just trying to maintain my grip and say the mantra, "It is what it is." No point worrying about it. I'm not doing anything wrong, and it would be unfortunate for everyone to find out because I KNOW it would change the way people look at us, but the bottom line is...I'm not ashamed. Just scared. Lots of crazies out there. And it's not me that I'm worried about; it's my kids. I don't want them turned against us or thinking that their parents are sick.

[texas_bandits]

So im told , its ok to talk to yourself... as long as you dont answer
I like you , quite often verbalize my thoughts ,

I dont envy you the delimma your in and dont know that any thing i say could be of help , but here goes.....First off , im betting that as long as you 2 have been friends, she would see through a lie from you a mile away, and the same would hold true if she were to tell you one....that being said if approached (1) I would answer her question (s) but only those asked without leading any further , (2) tell her that unfortunately her number was dialed by mistake and she overheard some very private thoughts not intended for anyone , and as embarrassing as it was could it just be forgotten and try to go on as if nothing had happened ....

Another thought for you as well , in each of us there are thoughts feelings and desires that are shared with no one, im betting that as well as you know your "very Vanilla Friend" there are things about her that if known would probably curl your hair....just a thought
thanks for listening

[TNT]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Thanks, Teresa. I really wish I could trust her with the truth. Trouble is, she lives in the small town where I grew up...where my parents still live. If this ever got around - and it would! - I'd never feel comfortable going home again. You know how small towns are.

Yeah, unfortunately I know small towns. One thing my momma used to tell us about people gossiping...if they're gossiping about you, just look at it as you're giving someone else a rest from being gossiped about. Today's hot topic is tomorrow's old news. Small towns are wonderful and they also suck.

I think you're pretty safe. She doesn't really want to know. Just act like it was so insignificant to you that you've already forgot about it. Things will work out fine.


Teresa

[sweet_tna]

Oh man, that stinks on ice! I'd be mortified in your position, too. And it could very well happen to me, as I not only talk to myself in the car, but have childhood friend who would never, ever understand/accept my decision to participate in the lifestyle. ((Hugs))

Originally Posted by intuition897

She called the house and asked for me, actually. Mr. intuition asked me if I had gotten hold of her when I got back in. In the meantime, it took me about 2 minutes to stop hyperventilating and shaking and call her. I tried to keep the loud, high-pitch squeal out of my voice as I spoke, and I hope it worked. I started out by explaining that I was listening to a recording from my workshop that day (they brought speakers in and everything), and I must've accidentally hit the dial button. My phone has a speaker feature, so that sort of works. "Yeah," she said, "I heard some sort of...conversation...and I kept saying 'Hello?!' but..." I said the headphones were plugged in, but I didn't have them in, so I didn't hear her (I didn't mention that it had a mic!). "Oh" she said, "yeah, it was...WEIRD stuff...what kind of workshop was it?" I explained that it was a workshop on Positive Spaces for people who are in alternative lifestyles. She's laughing nervously throughout our conversation, but not enough. I said, "well if I'm going to call you, I guess I'd better say something, eh?" and I proceeded to make chit chat for a bit. Probably about a minute later, she says, "Well I'd better not run your cell phone bill up." and we said goodbye and hung up. My impression was that she was freaked out and didn't want to talk to me.
That's where it was left.

Yeah, I get the impression that she knew it was you, knew your excuse was b.s. and was a bit freaked. BUT, she's also probably very willing to accept the excuse because the alternative (for someone of her very conservative mindset) is almost unthinkable.

I'm just trying to maintain my grip and say the mantra, "It is what it is." No point worrying about it. I'm not doing anything wrong, and it would be unfortunate for everyone to find out because I KNOW it would change the way people look at us, but the bottom line is...I'm not ashamed. Just scared. Lots of crazies out there. And it's not me that I'm worried about; it's my kids. I don't want them turned against us or thinking that their parents are sick.

Absolutely. You really DON'T have anything to be ashamed of. And I'm betting that you've raised your kids to be accepting of others, so they would probably be just fine if they found out.


A friend once told me, "Everything works out. Things may not work out the way you planned, but they always work out."

So hang in there, Intuition. You'll get through this.

=)

[cplnuswing]

Originally Posted by intuition897

"Oh" she said, "yeah, it was...WEIRD stuff...what kind of workshop was it?" I explained that it was a workshop on Positive Spaces for people who are in alternative lifestyles. She's laughing nervously throughout our conversation, but not enough.

So if she doesn't take the way out that I've given her (the lie), she'd better be ready for the truth. I'm just not sure she is. I'd love to feel optimistic about the outcome of such a conversation, but you know how arguments against opponents of swinging go.

If we get into it, I might refer her to libchrist.com It's not the be-all-end-all of poly-swinging-Christian theory, but it might be enough to start chewing on. The worst part is, I used to be where she is, and I know exactly how these ramblings must sound to her.

And it's not me that I'm worried about; it's my kids. I don't want them turned against us or thinking that their parents are sick.

Since she didn't jump on the chance to condemn "they made you attend something like THAT for work!", she sounds like she prefers to avoid things that make her nervous instead of crusading against them. You'll probably never hear a word about it again, just too uncomfortable a topic. It will shortly be pushed to the far recesses of her mind.

If not though, be careful with the truth in this case. There is another path - not the lie, not the truth. It takes two to argue, and there is no winning if the topic is such the other person is not open to other ideas. Any information you provide to justify your position just adds fuel to the fire. We have learned that lesson first hand (not a Lifestyle topic, but one equally damning in their mind). You can try to repeatedly reason with them by providing more information, or you can simply state the first time "I'm sorry if it bothers you, but you have no right to be involved in this decision, and the discussion is over, now and forever." If the disagreement is with someone who does truly care for you, it will eventually pass either way. The first approach might be easier in the short term since it is less confrontational, but it sure is a lot more drawn out and painful in the long run.

Concern for the kids is always a parent's first thought, and rightfully so. But, as parents, can't imagine a scenario where any child would love their parents any less because of some rumor around town. It's sad, but once they get old enough, kids deal with stuff like that every day - wrong clothes, wrong neighborhood, wrong friends, etc, etc. For those who know they are loved by those who really count to them, it hurts but just another day in the jungle. Tomorrow, it will be someone else.

Originally Posted by TNT

Yeah, unfortunately I know small towns. Today's hot topic is tomorrow's old news. Small towns are wonderful and they also suck.

So true. We grew up in one, live in one, and have never known anything else. Some other shocker will come up in short order and knock you right off the top of the list.


We can relate to the position you find yourself in, we truly can, and would have exactly the same fears. It's scary. All you can do is keep your head up and keep marching along until it all blows over.

[DBL D]

Wow Intuition!

I HAVE been walked in on while masturbationg...of course, being a guy, the odds of that happening are better than the sun coming up again tomorrow.

A few things are going through my mind.

1) If she is really a good friend, she knows you are telling a story. I would say that honesty is the best policy. The way she cut off your call is wierd for a friend, unless that's her MO.

2) Why have a friend you have to be so careful around? I know the answer...good friends are hard to find, but at what expense? Whose life is really being lived here.

I have some religious friends too. They always hang their heads when you disappoint them. After awhile they realize that it's your life. I hope she let's you off the hook. A good friend will try to find a way to make things easier for you knowing what an embarrassing thing happened. There is always room to hope for that

I do feel for you but you just have to go on.

All the best and watch out for that high tech stuff will ya?

Male D

[havefuninsun]

Bless your heart. I can only imagine how you were/are feeling

My guess is that she will want to believe what you said. There will probably be a part of her that says, "boy, that all sure sounds like intuition!" but the other part, the part that will win, will say, 'no way ... I can't believe an employer would make her go to such a seminar! The blasphemy!"

As days go by, the more it will be forgotten by her because she will WANT to forget it. My guess is she loves you a lot, and wouldn't wish bad things on you for all the tea in China. So she'll keep the "secret" and just wonder ... wonder what it is she really does know.

[redeye69]

The least you make of it the least it will be. If you try to justify or explain it it will only arouse suspicion just carry on and behave with her as you always have if she mentions it to you brush it off with the same explanation as you first gave. I hope all goes well for you.

[prettylady]

Her hearing your private thoughts was an accident on your part. But it was not an accident that she listened. She should have hung up as soon as she realized she was listening in on your private thoughts.

You have nothing to explain, like I said these were private. You were alone in your car, so basically you were alone with your thoughts and your thoughts should be free for your speaking. If she questions you about it, don't explain yourself. Appologise that you made in error in hitting the dial button and nothing more.
If she is genuinly interested in what you had to say and wanted to speak to you woman to woman, that is your call.
Otherwise, no explaination or appology is nessesary here.

Hope it all works out for you
Your friend,
Prettylady