Thinking of swinging with friends but she's not ready

Ang101 · 01-20-2003, 12:28 PM

We had recently been toying with the idea of getting together with a couple who happens to be our best friends. There has always been flirting between us. Well, it finally happened a few weeks ago. But afterwards my hubby told me that she wouldn't do much with him. She was scared or something. So she performed oral on him, but he could barely touch her.
Now, on the other hand her hubby had absolutly no problem doing anything with me. This girl is as close to a sister as I have. I would never want to hurt her. Later I found out that they didn't even know what eachother had done!
But about a week later we were in the same situation again. This time I only did oral. And then she got all pissed at her hubby because of it. She was acting like she was gonna leave him that night, she was so mad. But she wasn't mad at me. Can not figure that one out! But over the weekend we were at a bar together and she kept talking about switching again. Of course we didn't do it. But I am just confused. Her hubby and I are very sexually attracted to eachother, and I thought the same of her and my hubby. So my question is, should we give them another chance? Or should we just leave it at friends? Sometimes when we get together, the room is just so sexually charged it is hard to say no!

**Alura** · 01-20-2003, 01:28 PM

I see no reason to not play again but several issues need to be resolved first. As has been previously said on this board, communication with your playmates is almost as important as it is with your spouse.

I'd suggest sitting down with them and telling them what y'all are thinking and asking how they feel about the situation. Be sure they understand y'all want to continue building the sexual friendship but feel the four of you need to address the issues y'all are concerned about. Such a "conference" may also help them to talk with each other about their experiences and feelings.

Knowledge is power.

Did y'all play together or in separate rooms?

Mr. Alura

Ang101 · 01-20-2003, 01:40 PM

Seperate rooms on both occasions.

**Alura** · 01-20-2003, 01:46 PM

Well, I'd just say to discuss this as well. Find out if they think playing in the same room, where they'd know what was going on, would help. Maybe it wouldn't; but perhaps it would put them at ease. In my opinion, it's more fun anyway!

Mr. Alura

Flori_DAMAN · 01-22-2003, 11:13 AM

I would try to remain friends and just skip the whole swinging thing. It just seems that swinging could complicate matters. Friendship that wasn't started with swinging is complicated enough. I consider my non-swinging friends more like family than anything. I also have witnessed quite a few people lose friendships by indulging in sex after they bonded for years. To me, it just isn't worth the risk. Just my opinion. John.

OhioCouple · 01-22-2003, 12:01 PM

I agree with John here. I too feel that good friends are more like family and therefore are off limits when it comes to swinging. It isn't worth the risk of tossing away years of friendship.

Even though I realize that there are people who can maintain that balance and enhance a friendship, I truly believe it takes an extraordinary group of people to do so. I feel it is more the exception than the rule.

Another option might be to share swinging related events together but not indulge in each other. Pehaps going to clubs together and meeting new people, but not swinging with each other. We have a couple that we met since we started in which it just wasn't right sexually wise for any of us, but we do meet them on occasion at clubs or other social functions. We enjoy each other's company but do not indulge in any sexual play with each other.

Good luck on whatever you decide and keep us updated on how it works out for you.

Lori

p_cnaz · 01-22-2003, 12:25 PM

I have a lady friend that I have been friends with for 27 years. I met her the same year I met my hubby so she has known him just as long. Now there as always been flirting between her and hubby, but nothing more. When we started swinging I told her everything that we were doing being that we were so close I knew I could talk to her about it. Well just so happens that she was with us on one of our adventures and this was the first time that we swung with her involved, there was one other couple there and although there was alot of action going on she didn't really get involved to the point that we were, she would only do oral. then a few months later I invited her over to surprise hubby on our anniversary, it was just the 3 of us then. Again she would only do oral on hubby even though her and I had talked and she knew it was ok with me to ingage in intercourse, but she said it didn't feel right. Hubby and I have talked about this many times and he feels that it's the friendship between her and I that stops her. I only get to see her once a year now sense we moved but the last couple times I have seen her she has made comments that she is ready to take things further, but the problem now is that I have changed my mind and I just want to keep things the way they have been. I think a friendship that was not started in swinging should be kept that way.

Patricia

Handyman69 · 01-22-2003, 02:50 PM

Friendship is such an important thing. I would hate to have one fall apart due to swinging. I also would hate to put a strain on my friend's marriage as they might go past the fun part. We have not had to encounter this topic with old friends yet and probably never will. Would we if the time and topic came up?...........No, really don't think so. But good luck to ones that it works for as it does sound good . We just don't think any of our friends are up to the challenge.

Rhonda

***JustAskJulie*** · 01-22-2003, 03:19 PM

I agree with everything that has been said here by others. Friendship is way to important to risk, but regardless of whether or not you decide to attempt playing with them again, you really need to sit down and have a talk with both of them.

You mentioned that they didn't know what the other had done when you split up into pairs... that makes me question their relationship and how well they communicate with each other. Since you are so close to her you would know better than we would how their relationship stands.

Another thing you didn't mention is whether or not this was your first experience as well? I know you mentioned in your intro post that you were new to swinging. Was this the beginning for you? If you are both (you and the other couple) new to the idea of swinging there are still a lot of issues that you both probably need to work on.

I would suggest talking to them about what has gone on and see what they say. I agree with the idea that you could perhaps explore swinging together in so far as going to clubs together, etc.. but not actually swinging together. The only thing here is you then may run into some jealousy issues, which could still hurt your friendship.

Ang101 · 01-22-2003, 10:56 PM

Thanks to everyone for their advice! I think I am just going to keep our friendship as just that from here on out. I can honestly say that we love these friends like they are family. I for one am not willing to risk that. My hubby and I are still fairly new to the lifestyle. We have had 6 experiences. All were MFM except for the 2 with our friends. I am so glad I found this board! Everyone seems great! Again thanks to everyone!

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01-20-2003, 12:28 PM	#1 (permalink)
Ang101 Active Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 17 Location: Nebraska (no we don't live on a farm! LOL) Status: Married Female	Thinking of swinging with friends but she's not ready We had recently been toying with the idea of getting together with a couple who happens to be our best friends. There has always been flirting between us. Well, it finally happened a few weeks ago. But afterwards my hubby told me that she wouldn't do much with him. She was scared or something. So she performed oral on him, but he could barely touch her. Now, on the other hand her hubby had absolutly no problem doing anything with me. This girl is as close to a sister as I have. I would never want to hurt her. Later I found out that they didn't even know what eachother had done! But about a week later we were in the same situation again. This time I only did oral. And then she got all pissed at her hubby because of it. She was acting like she was gonna leave him that night, she was so mad. But she wasn't mad at me. Can not figure that one out! But over the weekend we were at a bar together and she kept talking about switching again. Of course we didn't do it. But I am just confused. Her hubby and I are very sexually attracted to eachother, and I thought the same of her and my hubby. So my question is, should we give them another chance? Or should we just leave it at friends? Sometimes when we get together, the room is just so sexually charged it is hard to say no!

01-22-2003, 12:01 PM	#6 (permalink)
OhioCouple Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2001 Posts: 6,619 Location: Ohio Status: Married Female	I agree with John here. I too feel that good friends are more like family and therefore are off limits when it comes to swinging. It isn't worth the risk of tossing away years of friendship. Even though I realize that there are people who can maintain that balance and enhance a friendship, I truly believe it takes an extraordinary group of people to do so. I feel it is more the exception than the rule. Another option might be to share swinging related events together but not indulge in each other. Pehaps going to clubs together and meeting new people, but not swinging with each other. We have a couple that we met since we started in which it just wasn't right sexually wise for any of us, but we do meet them on occasion at clubs or other social functions. We enjoy each other's company but do not indulge in any sexual play with each other. Good luck on whatever you decide and keep us updated on how it works out for you. Lori
	__________________ Remember that human beings are complicated creatures. We like our bedtime routines but dislike routine in our bed times. - Sallie Foley, M.S.W.

01-22-2003, 12:25 PM	#7 (permalink)
p_cnaz Active Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 33 Location: Flagstaff, AZ Status: couple	I have a lady friend that I have been friends with for 27 years. I met her the same year I met my hubby so she has known him just as long. Now there as always been flirting between her and hubby, but nothing more. When we started swinging I told her everything that we were doing being that we were so close I knew I could talk to her about it. Well just so happens that she was with us on one of our adventures and this was the first time that we swung with her involved, there was one other couple there and although there was alot of action going on she didn't really get involved to the point that we were, she would only do oral. then a few months later I invited her over to surprise hubby on our anniversary, it was just the 3 of us then. Again she would only do oral on hubby even though her and I had talked and she knew it was ok with me to ingage in intercourse, but she said it didn't feel right. Hubby and I have talked about this many times and he feels that it's the friendship between her and I that stops her. I only get to see her once a year now sense we moved but the last couple times I have seen her she has made comments that she is ready to take things further, but the problem now is that I have changed my mind and I just want to keep things the way they have been. I think a friendship that was not started in swinging should be kept that way. Patricia
	__________________ P&C

01-22-2003, 03:19 PM	#9 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 29,288 Location: In my House Status: Female Swing Lifestyle Name:swingersboard	I agree with everything that has been said here by others. Friendship is way to important to risk, but regardless of whether or not you decide to attempt playing with them again, you really need to sit down and have a talk with both of them. You mentioned that they didn't know what the other had done when you split up into pairs... that makes me question their relationship and how well they communicate with each other. Since you are so close to her you would know better than we would how their relationship stands. Another thing you didn't mention is whether or not this was your first experience as well? I know you mentioned in your intro post that you were new to swinging. Was this the beginning for you? If you are both (you and the other couple) new to the idea of swinging there are still a lot of issues that you both probably need to work on. I would suggest talking to them about what has gone on and see what they say. I agree with the idea that you could perhaps explore swinging together in so far as going to clubs together, etc.. but not actually swinging together. The only thing here is you then may run into some jealousy issues, which could still hurt your friendship.
	__________________ Julie - your hostess The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

01-20-2003, 01:28 PM	#2 (permalink)
Alura Just a hick Okie Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 8,136 Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma Status: Widower	I see no reason to not play again but several issues need to be resolved first. As has been previously said on this board, communication with your playmates is almost as important as it is with your spouse. I'd suggest sitting down with them and telling them what y'all are thinking and asking how they feel about the situation. Be sure they understand y'all want to continue building the sexual friendship but feel the four of you need to address the issues y'all are concerned about. Such a "conference" may also help them to talk with each other about their experiences and feelings. Knowledge is power. Did y'all play together or in separate rooms? Mr. Alura

01-20-2003, 01:40 PM	#3 (permalink)
Ang101 Active Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 17 Location: Nebraska (no we don't live on a farm! LOL) Status: Married Female	Seperate rooms on both occasions.

01-20-2003, 01:46 PM	#4 (permalink)
Alura Just a hick Okie Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 8,136 Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma Status: Widower	Well, I'd just say to discuss this as well. Find out if they think playing in the same room, where they'd know what was going on, would help. Maybe it wouldn't; but perhaps it would put them at ease. In my opinion, it's more fun anyway! Mr. Alura

01-22-2003, 11:13 AM	#5 (permalink)
Flori_DAMAN Previously of MichiganCouple Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 2,100 Location: Vero Beach Florida Status: Single Male	I would try to remain friends and just skip the whole swinging thing. It just seems that swinging could complicate matters. Friendship that wasn't started with swinging is complicated enough. I consider my non-swinging friends more like family than anything. I also have witnessed quite a few people lose friendships by indulging in sex after they bonded for years. To me, it just isn't worth the risk. Just my opinion. John.

01-22-2003, 02:50 PM	#8 (permalink)
Handyman69 Here to Stay Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 553 Location: MI..God's country.so we thought. Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:handyman69	Friendship is such an important thing. I would hate to have one fall apart due to swinging. I also would hate to put a strain on my friend's marriage as they might go past the fun part. We have not had to encounter this topic with old friends yet and probably never will. Would we if the time and topic came up?...........No, really don't think so. But good luck to ones that it works for as it does sound good . We just don't think any of our friends are up to the challenge. Rhonda

01-22-2003, 10:56 PM	#10 (permalink)
Ang101 Active Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 17 Location: Nebraska (no we don't live on a farm! LOL) Status: Married Female	Thanks to everyone for their advice! I think I am just going to keep our friendship as just that from here on out. I can honestly say that we love these friends like they are family. I for one am not willing to risk that. My hubby and I are still fairly new to the lifestyle. We have had 6 experiences. All were MFM except for the 2 with our friends. I am so glad I found this board! Everyone seems great! Again thanks to everyone!

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