Bad Experience - Are there nice people out there?

[Trixie1966]

This is Mrs. Trixie posting this. I'll start with the I'll try not to make this long speech but we know how that goes. We've been doing mfm for probably 8 years with a few friends and no problems. We decided we'd like to meet a couple so we posted on Swing Lifestyle and have sorted through tons of people but finally met what seemed like a nice couple. We talked to him at length for days, her a little, met them both for dinner, played a little that first night and it was fun. Talked online more and all four decided we wanted to be exclusive. That was cool. She will do anything he says so he is running the show at this point with what they do and from what I can tell, it is that way in every aspect of their life. She and I had talked several times on the phone and felt like I was becoming friends with her and I might add, she is not part of the issue here. She's very sweet and from what I could tell honest and real.

So we are supposed to be exclusive but the first thing that bothered me is when we were chatting online he'd say he was talking to other women but he wasn't meeting them. He said he just liked getting all hot from them and having sex with his partner or me (I'm allowed to play alone as long as Mr. knows). So that was the first red flag. I didn't feel I knew him well enough to trust him 100% in that comment that he didn't have a whole harem of women.

The second thing is that when we were together, he would get out a whip to use on her but he knew I didn't like that but he still hit me with it. That got to the point it ticked me off that he wouldn't stop. No means no. At one point he wrapped the whip around my neck like he was going to strangle me but not to make me pass out at least I don't believe so. He's all about control so I think that is what it was meant to be but it scared me and not to mention hurt my neck.

Fast forward......we played the other night with understanding the she did not have to go full with Mr. Trixie unless she wanted to as we have told her all along since she's not as into the scene as her partner. She did want full with Mr. and that was cool with me. Then the guy started to have sex with me and then stopped not because he or I was done but because he wanted to tease me and be in control which just ticked me off even further given I was already ticked about the whip. At this point she and Mr. Trixie were chatting in another room. I finally get off later, thought the night ended ok even though honestly, he's not the best in bed but it's about the experience and I understand that.

The next day and I IM'd him to say thanks and he's saying I'm weirding him out (which I had done nothing at that point except but what he asked of me), needed to back off and all this crap. So Mr. and I talked and we decided that the guy was treating me in a degrading and controlling way not in that he was using me for sex because hey, that's what this is about huh? lol It's the whipping, the strangling and the always having to be in control that bothered Mr. and I agreed so I called the guy and said we wanted our movie back and I was returning their books I had borrowed.

So I was all classy about it and saying thanks for the fun and he's yelling at me about Mr. got what he wanted from his woman and I didn't tell Mr. my fantasies (which I had told Mr.-that's part of being in the lifestyle) and he was just a huge jerk all the way around to me. I was trying to be classy but I left in tears. He was telling me I didn't belong in the lifestyle, that it was about not having sex but the pursuit (still don't get that comment-I thought sex was part of this???), that he was just trying to give me advice on the lifestyle. I knew at that point Mr. and I were doing the right thing by following our gut instinct on this one. We aren't new to the lifestyle, just to couples.

Now we are just so afraid to meet anyone else. I'm sure lots of you have experienced this. Can you give us some tips on meeting decent couples? What are the red flags we maybe haven't thought of?

Trixie

[Mr. Truelove]

All I see is red flags. From the moment he controls everything (not just in sex, but in every aspect of their lives), to the point of him not stopping with the whip when you wanted him to and more. Wow. This whole situation seemed to scream don't touch.

I wish I could give you more advice on red flags to look for to prevent this from happening again, but I am just not seasoned enough to know what to advise you. I hope some others on the board comment on your situation though.

Mr. Truelove

[BradAndJanet]

Don't take it too hard. You met a couple in a dominant/submissive relationship, unless I miss my guess. He gets off on it at least; maybe she does too, hard to say. Obviously, that's not for you, so you wanted to move on. Now he's being a real jerk about it, but that's the way some dom-wannabes are. They don't understand the real nature and give-and-take of power games and are mostly just bullies.

Run away. Run away fast.

It's hard for me to say what you didn't notice upfront. Sometimes you don't know about people until the clothes hit the floor. I think you've handled the situation pretty well. Don't give his manipulative ranting another thought. It'll be better with the next couple.

-B

[spectraschain]

We have never experienced anything like that....

You were unfortunate to run across such an asshole...he proved his degrading nature as you tried to make an ammicable split...We're sorry for you, and assure you this is not how couples behave in the lifestyle....

We too started with years of mfm, our decision to include couples has been positive. Stay the course, don't let this guy degrade you ever further by denying you the joy that couples can bring your way.

[iapr]

Yup what the others said, this is waaayyyy over the top. In fact I can't believe you are serious in actually even asking us this. I don't want to come off as harsh or to rub salt in your wounds or anything but I really think you and your partner need to go clear back to the very starting board and have a real come-to-Jesus meeting. You need to have many heart to heart conversations and come up with what you are really interested in doing along with what your rules and limits and preferences are.

Anyone can have a bad day but this was a bright red screaming, flapping in the wind, red flag highway and you got suckered right into it at every step. Yes dealing with couples is a lot more complex and more work than MFMs but most people have trouble with mutual attraction or getting all 4 peoples schedule to to mesh, this was a disaster waiting to happen.

I am sure you have learned 10,000 lessons and should be giving us all advice after that but to share the best advice we were ever given with you I'll say this - never set goals or go into any meeting with any expectations or objectives. To do so you are setting yourself up for disappointment at best and putting yourself into a vulnerable place to be used, exploited or harmed at worst. The reason for this is if you set goals you will try to achieve them and in so doing you will overlook or ignore warning signs that say to get out of town as fast as you can.

Instead go into every meeting with an open mind but no objectives or expectations and let the mood and the comfort levels determine where things go. And above all else listen to that little voice that tells you something is not right and believe it, that is your survival instinct talking to you.

I guarentee you if you do those things you will decrease the quantity of the encounters that you will have and many times you will part company with the people you meet without having any kind of sexual experience with them but you will have your safety and sanity intact.

And to answer the question of the title of your post, YES, there are many wonderfull people out there that would treat you right and appreciate all that you are but unfortunately there are a number of sickos as well and you always have to be vigilent for them.

[daisy girl]

Wow. We have never experienced anything like that. In fact, quite the opposite. First of all...no one should force you to do anything that you don't want to do. I think a good rule of thumb is this. I never play twice with anyone that I don't have a fabulous time with. Period. I don't feel guilty or obligated. I do this because it is fun and enriching...it shouldn't bring additional negative stress into your life.

[Darkblue]

ohje !! i have to agree with the others RUN..
We have enever found anyone who is into SM or BDSM and to be honest we dont want too, you should of run as soon as the pratt ignored your "NO" to the whip.

We have been lucky nad have only found really nice people within the lifestyle and there are lots more of the fun people out there...

Take Care and if someone cant take a NO and doesnt respect your wishes the get up and go!
Next time you might say no to intercourse and he doesnt accept it what then?? try telling the Police it was rape! not a nice thought i know but a possiblilty..

Whatever you do dont give up just because of him, there are lots of nice people out there and only about 0000.1% are dickheads like him!

Steve

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Trixie1966

We talked to him at length for days, her a little, met them both for dinner, played a little that first night and it was fun. Talked online more and all four decided we wanted to be exclusive.
.....
She will do anything he says so he is running the show at this point with what they do and from what I can tell, it is that way in every aspect of their life.
......
The second thing is that when we were together, he would get out a whip to use on her but he knew I didn't like that but he still hit me with it. That got to the point it ticked me off that he wouldn't stop. No means no. At one point he wrapped the whip around my neck like he was going to strangle me but not to make me pass out at least I don't believe so. He's all about control so I think that is what it was meant to be but it scared me and not to mention hurt my neck.
.....
The next day and I IM'd him to say thanks and he's saying I'm weirding him out (which I had done nothing at that point except but what he asked of me), needed to back off and all this crap.
.....
So I was all classy about it and saying thanks for the fun and he's yelling at me about Mr. got what he wanted from his woman and I didn't tell Mr. my fantasies (which I had told Mr.-that's part of being in the lifestyle) and he was just a huge jerk all the way around to me. I was trying to be classy but I left in tears.
.....
Now we are just so afraid to meet anyone else. I'm sure lots of you have experienced this. Can you give us some tips on meeting decent couples? What are the red flags we maybe haven't thought of?

Trixie

Hi Trixie, I highlighted many of the things I thought were red flags. I'm going to be very honest with you. You were FAR to wimpy with this man. You let him bring the whip out. You let him put it around your neck. You didn't like this treatment, but it happened. The minute the whip came out, you could have been stronger and said, "Put the $#%& whip away right NOW, or we're leaving." You have rights. You don't do ANYTHING you don't want 100%.

You didn't like the way he treated you at all, but you kept thanking him for the great time. WHY???

You decided to be exclusive with a couple you barely knew. You'd met them one time. Why go exclusive with people you don't even know yet? What's in it for you to be exclusive with near-strangers? Next time, don't do that unless you have developed closeness and trust with them, and if you really WANT to be exclusive. You don't have to be exclusive with anybody in this lifestyle. Whose idea was it to be exclusive after just one date? His? Was his reason just so he could go bareback, or some other reason that was all about him?

You can avoid repeating this in the future if you identify early on that he controls the whole thing and she will do whatever he wants. You saw that with this couple. Next time, just run. Look for couples with mutual respect, respect for YOU, and willing to be equals. You'll have a lot more fun.

We've never experienced anything close to what you did. We don't like people like you described, so we use our radar to weed them out. We can see the signs before we even meet them the first time. Even if we didn't spot it until after we meet, we wouldn't go further with them.

There are LOTS of great couples out there. You just fell in with the wrong pair the first try. Keep meeting NICE people, and take it one step at a time. Stand your ground. You know what you like and don't like. Don't accept anything less than what you and your husband want. Best wishes.

[Trixie1966]

This is Mrs. Trixie again. I really appreciate everyone's replies. I wanted to add that the whip was out because Mr. and the other woman liked LIGHT BDSM and all were ok with that and that was in the plan for the night and part of the fantasy we had laid out. However, I had told the guy from the beginning that I didn't like that and you are all right, he didn't respect that.

I think we felt we knew them pretty well given the huge amount of time we'd spent getting to know them online and on the phone and the long dinner but obviously neither myself nor Mr. were firm enough about our rules which we have in place. We are a strong couple and have discussed our boundries at length. We didn't see that in them and that should have made us walk away and we realize that now.

There are so many little things that they (mostly him) did or said that we see now that by themselves were nothing but together are big things and now it all makes sense.

I have since had a conversation with her over the phone (she called me) before she had talked to him about us dumping them and she was nothing but sweet about it and said she knew I didn't like the whip, knew he had acted like an ass that night, didn't know anything about the weirding out he mentioned to me and said some other things that quickly became obvious to me that he is lying to her about swinging and how he goes about meeting people, what he expects and more. I'm looking at it as that's their problem and not mine and we're glad to be done with them and we'll chalk this up to being lucky it wasn't worse and lesson learned. She seemed sad we weren't going to be friends and wanted to mend fences but I said it was too late.

Thanks for the support! We love this board!

Mrs. Trixie

[LOL_OMG]

Hi Trixie, sorry to hear about your experience. Lots of us have met couples and found out at some point that it wasn't a good match. I chalk it up to a learning experience.

I would just like to tell you that there ARE good people out there, and when you find em...it's the best friendship ever

Mrs

[interested-05]

Hi Trixie,
While i agree with everyone that you were more than right to kick him out of your lives, I need to add a couple things here.
1st) if you have any red flags, you shouldnt go there, and the answer is "NO"
2nd) is your husband backing you up on this? Honestly, he should have been helping you get out of there and told the guy where to go. I would hope you both talk to each other and share your fears as welll as your fantasies. He is supposed to be your partner, and your support. If you say no he should be getting between you and the offender.
3rd) If you dont set your ground rules and make them clear to others, this will happen again. Dont be afraid to offend anyone regarding what is right for you. There are plenty of couples to meet and enjoy. There is nothing wrong with becoming exclusive, just be choosy with whom you make such an agreement and why you are making it.
4th) make it clear in your profiles what type of people you are not interested in, and scan for those red flags. Ask couples what they are looking for and what they like to do. If their fantasies or anything else turn you off say thanks but no thanks. If they push, send them packing and try to make the door hit them on the way out. you were way to nice when it comes to an abusive situation

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Trixie1966

I think we felt we knew them pretty well given the huge amount of time we'd spent getting to know them online and on the phone and the long dinner but obviously neither myself nor Mr. were firm enough about our rules which we have in place.

Hi Trixie,

I remember back in my single/dating days and "meeting" guys online through the vanilla dating ads. There were often times that I talked for weeks or even months with a guy online + phone before meeting in person, thought I was getting to know them because of all the time spent chatting/talking, but they often were very different in real life. I could tell you stories, but I'll go straight to my lesson learned: The time chatting online and the phone calls are just preliminaries, at best. These give you some insight, which is good, but it's not the whole person. (This lesson has served us just as well in the adult profiles as a couple as it did when I was single.)

Mr. Choke-hold was in pursuit mode with you before you met in person. He's aggressive and very manipulative (even lies to his wife, as you learned). People like him will tune into you and will say whatever it takes to make you feel like you're compatible. That's not the real deal - not the whole person, and sometimes not even the real person. My point: Please don't put too much stock in the chatting and phone before you meet people. Don't give it too much credence in the getting-to-know-you process.

I'm glad you sound so upbeat about meeting other people, and not letting this bad experience set you back. I'm sure you're going to have many great times to come!

[subtoMistressT]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

Hi Trixie, I highlighted many of the things I thought were red flags. I'm going to be very honest with you. You were FAR to wimpy with this man. You let him bring the whip out. You let him put it around your neck. You didn't like this treatment, but it happened. The minute the whip came out, you could have been stronger and said, "Put the $#%& whip away right NOW, or we're leaving." You have rights. You don't do ANYTHING you don't want 100%.

You didn't like the way he treated you at all, but you kept thanking him for the great time. WHY???

You decided to be exclusive with a couple you barely knew. You'd met them one time. Why go exclusive with people you don't even know yet? What's in it for you to be exclusive with near-strangers? Next time, don't do that unless you have developed closeness and trust with them, and if you really WANT to be exclusive. You don't have to be exclusive with anybody in this lifestyle. Whose idea was it to be exclusive after just one date? His? Was his reason just so he could go bareback, or some other reason that was all about him?

You can avoid repeating this in the future if you identify early on that he controls the whole thing and she will do whatever he wants. You saw that with this couple. Next time, just run. Look for couples with mutual respect, respect for YOU, and willing to be equals. You'll have a lot more fun.

We've never experienced anything close to what you did. We don't like people like you described, so we use our radar to weed them out. We can see the signs before we even meet them the first time. Even if we didn't spot it until after we meet, we wouldn't go further with them.

There are LOTS of great couples out there. You just fell in with the wrong pair the first try. Keep meeting NICE people, and take it one step at a time. Stand your ground. You know what you like and don't like. Don't accept anything less than what you and your husband want. Best wishes.

Trixie, I would have to agree with this. We have played with other people in B&D scenes but the halmark of that experience, and anyone how has experience would agree is consensual! If it is not, there is no play. I do not think that is a safe situation. Stay away from people who do not respect your wishes and desires. You should have been MUCH more forcefull in that situation and just got up and left. We have left from groups we just did not feel compatable with, and that should be ok. I would say hang in there and keep trying.

[transplantdbrit]

WOW! Okay, for me a little light bondage with Mr. Transplant is always fun, but never to this extreme. I agree with so many other members here on this situation. I'm checking the box that says "no further contact". Always remember to value your own opinion, and speak up if you are in a situation that makes you uncomfortable. You are there for fun, not abuse. The lifestyle is about spicing things up a bit, not making you feel degraded. In regards to "are there nice people out there?", you betcha' there are! The Mr and I have friends that we have known for years in the lifestyle. Sometimes finding the right couple can be tricky, as we all know, but if you want to continue, don't give up over one couple. As the saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

[nice_cpl_n_bama]

Hello,
Mrs. Trixie I would suggest that you add a firm "NO BDSM" to your profile. The guy you're describing seems way over the top even for the BDSM crowd.
Laurie and I know a couple who is into that but they know we are not so it's never even discussed.
As far as whether there are nice couples out there, we try to live up to our screen name. I've found that if a talk to 10 couples, 3 or 4 of them will be nice normal people. The rest will be unacceptable because they are wierdos, fakes, or have big relationship troubles in their marriages. It's a drag to wade through the bad ones, but the 4 out of 10 who are great, fun, sexy people make it all worth it.
We've had our best luck with on-premesis house parties. You get the chance to observe peoples play styles and there's lots of folks to vouch for the good people.
If the party is well run the host couples usually make sure that problem people only attend once.
Good luck and have fun.
Jeff & Laurie