Single male admitted to being in love with my wife

[r_poseidon]

First, if this is in the wrong spot, please move it. I would have put it in situational help, but... the situation is over.
Anyway, the first guy that we met for a MFM 3some, I thought was pretty cool. He talked to me, talked to my better half, no problem. Met after chatting for a few days to have some fun on his lunch break. He got a hotel nearby, life is good. Now she has always thought that the first time she did this, she would have to have a few drinks in her. Not drunk mind you, but enough to be loosened up and not worry. Well... there was no alcohol. We met at the hotel, went into the room. Talked for about 30 minutes, then things started. Anyway, she had a *blast*. Me personally... I was soo hard but also thought I was going to puke as we left to go back home Yes, I am fine now!
Anyway... after that... he stopped talking to me, but would literally talk to her ALL DAMN DAY. Ignore everything I wrote. Said that he wanted to meet up several times after that, and then when the time came, he just bailed, could not reach him. Then he would get really flirty w/ her, which doesn't bug me. Now we both save convos that we have w/ play partners, just so there are no surprises. Have a seperate email account and everything. So anyway, he starts inviting her out. Without me. The first time, I overlooked this, because they get along well, and he *is* nice to her. Well...it kept happening. So I finally talked to him, he admitted to practiaclly loving her. I told him to basically get off it, and to stop asking her out, she wasn't going. Well... he said ok, no problem. The next day, he is offering to take her out the the bar (now I am 20, and he *KNOWS* I cannot even go), and then go back to his house afterwards!! I got pissed, wrote him about a page long email, and had her cut everything off with him. She wasn't happy, becuase she says that it is all on his end, not hers, that she isn't doing anything. I say that he was utterly disprespectful and trying to undermine me behind my back. Anyway, she agreed. Well the next day, I logged onto the email (it's GMail, so if you aren't familliar w/ that, it has a chat client built in, so once you log in, your IM is on as well)... and he starts writing!!!!
So now I really don't regret what I did. We agreed that w/ MFM's, I would have the final say, just like if we ever do FMF, *she* will have the final say. It just pissed me off so bad that this guy flat out lied to me, and was constantly making passes at her. Not that I am insecure... but it is soooo disrespectful!!!
So... was I out of line? She still says how she misses talking to him becuase he was nice to her, and she really doesn't talk to her friends anymore, and she doesn't even think about the sex. Course I dunno how that could be, becuase in between all the "I really like you, you should come on over", he is trying to cybersex w/ her. Regardless, whatever she says. But did I do the right thing, or am I overreacting??? If you need to know any more details, just ask! I'll keep this thread on my screen for a while, work sucks today...

[cpl2doitwithu]

Overreacting????? Hell No!!!
We both ALWAYS have "veto" power for any get together. It sounds like this guy is trying to cross the line. Let me correct that, He HAS crossed the line. We have had MFM's and FMF's and if either of us were to become uncomfortable, that would be the end of it. I would hope that she just misses the fun of it all and not the guy in particular. I think a long talk is in order to let each other know how each feels about another situation like this. Long term realtionships with single play partners can work, but obviously not with a guy like this.
I think you did the right thing and all communication with him should be off. If she has a problem with that, then ya'll really need to talk.
Sorry this is short, but hope it helps.

[r_poseidon]

It does help some, yes, thank you!

[WesternSwing]

Once again, I'm only hearing your side of the story, but from it I would say you are 100% correct in how you feel and have every right to put an end to it. Both of you SHOULD have equal veto power without the other one questioning it, but in reality someone's feel-bads always gets hurt.

It sounds like your SO is infatuated with this guy because he is paying so much attention to her and it makes her feel good about herself. I would say she is blinded by it right now, and of course when you say your are uncomfortable with it she is going to get annoyed with you because she thinks you are trying to kill her fun.

From what you said this guy is being disrespectful of your relationship. Your SO is oblivious to what is going on because she is too wrapped-up in the fun of being pursued and flirted with by this single male. It happens to the best of us. BUT, the main thing to remember here is: if it doesn't work for either on of you, then it doesn't work for both of you. If you are uncomfortable with the situation then your SO has to break it off with this guy. You doing it just sends the message to her that you don't trust her. On her end, if she is gong to play big girl games SHE NEEDS TO BE A BIG GIRL. She has to break it off completely with this guy. She needs to block his IM and email. Period. If you are uncomfortable then she needs to think of you first. She needs to remember what is more important, your relationship or some momentary euphoria from some funtime-Johnny. There are thousands of other single guys for MFM threesomes. This guy is a dime-a-dozen. There will be more, I promise.

I think many newbies go through this kind of scenario though, where one member of the couple gets infatuated with the attention from someone new and it blinds them to the reality of the situation, which is it's just fantasy. It's something you two have to work through. It's something where one person has to put themselves in the shoes of the other and think about how they would feel if the situation were reveresed.

This is a speed bump and you will get past it. It sounds to me from this and previous posts that you two didn't wade into swinging, you jumped into the deep end and now are learning to swim. Virtually every post you've made is filled with drama. I think I would paddle back to the shallow end and slow down a little until you get comfortable with where you are, then wade out a little deeper. All the fun will come in time, but at the rate you two seem to be doing it you are dooming yourself to either bad experiences or trouble within your relationship.

Mr. WS

[r_poseidon]

Thank you for the concern, really. And you are right, her main thing was that he made her feel good, on and on. But we did talk, and I have changed some things about me that I guess I needed to.
As for jumping in... ya I can see that from what I have posted, lol!! But we have talked about it also for over a year before anything actually happened, and we have made sure to have very very VERY good communication since that guy. So all in all, maybe this negative situation actually has a positive role, I like to think that it does anyway.
We have been talking to another local couple tho, and have made it very clear to them that we only want friendship first if anything is to happen. I think we got the "just sex" out of our system, and now since I do all the searching, she gives yays or nays <EG> I am focusing on *friends first*.... my thing anyway!

[TNT]

No, you didn't over react. You were feeling uncomfortable so you called a hault to things.

It seems like maybe you got one of the bad apples in single men as he does not seem to respect you at all or your relationship at all.

Marked it up to a lesson learned and move on.

Just so you know...not all single men are like this. There are good ones out there who will respect you, your partner and your relationship.



Teresa

[lovinher]

I think WesternSwing said it perfectly.
You were not the bad guy here.
Let us know how things work out.

[kenora_guy]

No you are right on track...

My only concern is that you are very young to be swinging (you said 20y/o) and thus your relationship with your sweetie has not likely matured... Without being very secure in each other, how can you swing and not be worried about the other guy?

If you are going to have an 'open relationship' and bed others without both of you being present, I would suggest that you not (at this time) *not* do the same guy (or gal) as a 3some first before dating separately.. It seems like you may be easily get jealous (although certainly not in the aforementioned case) and knowing who is doing your sweetie may aggravate your feelings... Once your relationship and trust has matured then this may be an option...

...I'm not saying that you shouldn't meet or screen your sweetie's dates before she lays down with him or her, but just not get to become freinds/freindly with them...

The other options are that you agree that you that you always play together OR that the non-player is present as a voyeur...

Lastly, it may be advisable that the two of you do searching for your dates together using a common email account that you both log into...Other guys are less likely try to play you for a chump if they know both of you will be reading and responding together...

[Amanda69]

According to what you said you are definately on track. Now here is where I might get flamed a little.

You said you are 20, I have started a thread to try and understand why there is an increase in younger people in the lifestyle. Maybe you can help out here.

This is my take on why this might not have worked. At your age (oh my God I am sounding like my grandparents) you should be enjoying either a) being single and fucking your brains out with anything that moves or b) being in a wonderfully romantic relationship, heading to marriage, kids etc...(I know stereotyped and disney)

It is what we biologically push towards in our 20's, finding a partner, having children etc. I watched many a single friend in their 20's go on that search for the partner and hearing their bio clock a ticking.

Now given that wouldn't that make swinging a little more risky. ie you are likely to run into other 20 year olds that despite their saying they are just in it for the sex are in reality looking for that "mate".

P.S. You mentioned several times your partner said she missed him because he was "nice" to her. Is there something we should know about her background that makes this especially significant? As most swing partners would hopefully be "nice" to her.

[prettylady]

I like what Amanda pointed out.
I know at 20 something my maturity wasn't were it would have needed to be for this sort of lifestyle.
I have done the unhappy marriage thing, I have my beautiful kids. I have found a man I trust COMPLETELY. I am ready, I have matured, I know what I want and don't want in life.
I want an honest open relationship were sex can be both fun and intimate.
20 somethings are still for the most part finding themselves.
****Disclaimer**** I know some 20 somethings are mature enough and are comfortable with themselves to handle this lifestyle, but not most.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[r_poseidon]

Lol, sounds really familiar. I know what you mean, but I don't see that as the issue here. I wasn't worried or intimidated by this other guy, I was just angry. I felt that here I was, letting him do one of the things that we keep to ourselves, and he just abused it. There was no worrying or anything, I am very secure w/ myself and in our relationship. We have been thru a *lot* and are still happily together. So personally I don't see this as a questions of being comfortable with myself and mature, I feel that I am. It has to do with somebody going right behind my back, even after we already had a talk about it. We met another guy, and everything is great with him. He still talks to me, still talks to her, no problems at all. Of course, he has been experienced w/ couples also, so he understand boundries and such. But we had a great time, and plan on hanging out more often. I just think I got a bad apple!

[ohcpl43952]

That's the problem with single males. Some of them don't follow rules. It took me two years to get rid of one of our problems. Wifey wasn't near as cooperative as she could have been. It seems to have stopped now. But it sure has turned me off to inviting a single man into our lives.

[catslaughing]

With the precaution that I am basing this entirely on your words, I firmly believe that you did the right thing. The best way to improve the way single men in the lifestyle are treated is to police assholes properly. Once you have said no once, you are justified in being as much of a jerk as you wish in enforcing it.

Reminds me of a night at a club recently, my wife and I were dancing with a sexy woman, and a guy came up behind my wife and got a little 'friendly' no one said anything until the song ended and the girl dancing with us asked who he was, we had assumed they were together. The only reason he is still walking is I respect the club, but I hope to run into him again some day.

[prettylady]

Originally Posted by catslaughing

The only reason he is still walking is I respect the club, but I hope to run into him again some day.

Ok I'm really not sure why.
But that comment made me really hot.
I don't advocate violence, but I am really turned on right now.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[r_poseidon]

2 years, wow. That is bordering on harassment, isn't it?!?
Oh forget bordering... that *IS* harassment. Ridiculous.