Left Out of a Threesome

[Bratcat]

ok, i dont know how to start all this but my husband and i just had our first threesome... Well, from the very get-go my hubby leaves my side and although he was still talking to me and stuff, well, i kinda felt "not wanted". we have discussed this for over two years! not like it just came up, and he was sooooo understanding to my fears and problems about the whole thing, but when it came right down to it, it wasnt a threesome it was a twosome with a handy third person there to hand out lube, get drinks, cigs, snacks. i feel cheated on now. i talked to him and he apoligized profusely. he got so into making her feel comfortable that he forgot it was my first time too. i feel like i lost something important, what do i do know? for the record, I'm the one who brought up trying a threesome, about two years ago, because i was curious about how it was to be with a girl, very curious. You know what? i didnt even get a chance to have a go at it with her!! didnt even get a chance to try... i'm feeling very hurt i guess. I've never ever had to doubt my hubbys word before, true blue, why did he do that to me tho? he knew how much i needed him to be attentive to me too. I dont know what else to say, what do i do now? have i been cheated on? someone help me out here please...

[Bratcat]

did i bring this on myself?

[darling]

Sounds like your husband got so excited that he thought of his own needs above yours. Before ever trying this again, you two need to sit down and talk things over. I'm assuming he knew you wanted to try a bi experience for the first time. Was the other woman aware of this also? Perhaps next time he could agree to watch for a while while you two experimented and then later join you when you were ready. No one should feel left out. Make it clear to him that if he doesn't consider your needs next time, that it will be the last. Bet that makes him a little more aware of your feelings.

[SweetOne]

No you didn't bring it on yourself, i agree with darling he was thinking of his own needs.. and i also think that if and when you do decide to do it again. have him take a seat and just watch while you and the lady take time to each other. and you and her can always talk each other through it.

Sweetone

[TeamSoBe]

There is another possibility here other than your husband was being selfish. The situation that she's describing seems kind of familiar to me, I can remember things like that happening when threesomes and moresomes were new to me and the partners that I was exploring with.

What might have happened is just that you were both disoriented by the new and unfamiliar situation and you had a communication breakdown. Your husband may have been thinking that he and you had a good relationship and were solid and that he didn't need to spend so much time worrying about your connection to each other. He could have felt comfortable and confident with you, but nervous with her and worried about making a good impression on her. I can remember times in my past where either me or my partner were so preoccupied with making sure that a new playmate was not bored that we neglected each other.

I've been on both sides of this one at different times, so I can identify with both you and your husband. There have been times when I got caught up in somebody new because I was just really into it or because I was self-conscious about what they were thinking, and I have also had times when I sat around twiddling my thumbs just kind of waiting for it to be over so that I could be noticed again. It seems to me like it's just kind of one of those things that you go through that creates opportunites to talk and share your feelings and grow closer.

I personally think that if you have a good relationship with your husband that he will be very quick to put himself in your shoes and realize that he didn't handle the situation as well as he could have. If you just sat there feeling terrible and watching then you didn't handle the situation as well as you could have either, though, you should have been more assertive about communicating with both of them if you were feeling so bad. Maybe they left you out because they though that you were enjoying watching or something. That's happened to me, my college girlfriend left me out for hours one time because she thought that I was enjoying watching her, I realized later that it was partly my fault for sitting there and letting her think that. Just remember that swinging is an advanced sport and that you have to have a little practice before you're good at it, threesomes aren't something that just come naturally to everybody.

If you guys treat this as the little bump in the road that it is and use it as an opportunity to share your feelings then you will come closer as a couple and you'll work together more smoothly the next time and both of you will get more out of the experience next time. Don't go into the next time thinking that you're going to get even by excluding him though, couples with a tit-for-tat approach don't ever seem to get beyond bickering. Try to remember that you're a team and that you're trying to learn to work together so that you both have a good time.

[BradAndJanet]

Originally posted by TeamSoBe
What might have happened is just that you were both disoriented by the new and unfamiliar situation and you had a communication breakdown.

TeamSoBe, I agree with everything you said, but especially the above. That's exactly what happened to us (Bratcat, it's detailed in the thread, 'A Cautionary Tale'). We got over excited and disoriented, as you say, and failed to communicate properly with each other as well as the third party involved. We learned a lesson there and were pretty freaked out for a while, but we'd still like to try again sometime and do it right.

Bratcat, I think you should talk about it with your huband and your friend, let some time pass, and then see if you're all willing to continue (with a new understanding of what NOT to do next time. )

-B

[Bratcat]

thank you all for the advice, he's really trying to make it up to me, but i think it might be a little while before i want another go round. and i do think im going to sit him in a chair next time(loved that suggestion hehe) and just let him watch, but then again, i wont do the tit for tat thing either, i'll just wait until he's REALLY ready to play (evil little grin). I'm going to try to talk to him in a few minutes, he just drove up from work, and i'll let you guys know how it goes wish me luck! i hope i can say all the right things, i dont want to make him feel like sh*t but i do want him to know he made me feel that way. oh, and the girl we were with called today and wanted us to come over tomorrow.... do you think we should? hubby can get off work for it but i told her i didnt know if he could or not, left it kinda open, and im suppossed to call her back in the morning to let her know something. i really like this girl, just not how the hubby acted. should we try again so soon?

you guys are great, thank you so much for your responses. and i'll be back later w/ the results of "the big talk"

[Alura]

I'm just a hick Okie, Bratcat, but it never made sense to me to sit around and wait to solve a problem. Tell your hubby in no uncertain terms what you didn't like about the last time, what you would like to happen this time and if it ain't that way, there ain't a-gonna be a next time. Then play with the lady a lot with him watching (that was a good idea!) but include him finally when you and your friend can devast him sexually. I guarantee you he won't want to do it any other way than your way once he experiences it.

Mr. Alura

[TeamSoBe]

I agree, I think that if you're all three attracted to the situation and you have an opportunity then you should just get back on the horse while the first experience is fresh in your minds. It's an opportunity to set things right before you start to develop a big emotional scar over it.

One more suggestion though: definitely do NOT use a second experience as an opportunity to punish your husband. Having been on both sides of situations like this I can say that he's probably telling the truth when he says that he's sorry and that he didn't mean harm by what he was doing. Pleasing two women at once is a big burden for a guy, and he was trying to impress her as well as you, plus have some fun on his own. You know as well as he does that it's all very confusing to keep so many goals straight while the excitement is going on.

I prefer the other suggestions, that your husband should voluntarily sit out in the beginning, but only until you two women want him around again. I'm thinking that he will understand and insist on that by himself anyway, so no point in trying to punish him by demanding it. If he does the right thing and lets you have a crack at some fun then you will feel pretty warm about it and you will want him involved after a while anyway.

If you start into the tit for tat thing this early then that will taint your expriences with the smell of conflict and that could make things less fun in the future. It's far better to just realize that you're a team and that you're working together, but that everything will not always be perfectly balanced. If you must know, it's much, much, much more common for the woman to be having fun while the man is sitting out twiddling his thumbs anyway. If you start into thinking that everything needs to be balanced all the time, then you will end up denying yourself a lot of fun in the future. My wife gets FAR more attention than I do just because I'm male. I'm resolved to that and I don't approach it with a tit-for-tat attitude and we both have a lot more fun that way in the end.

You have a unique opportunity to learn a little bit about each other and compare notes on a new emotional state. When he's sitting back while you two are exploring, he will learn some empathy for how you were feeling this weekend when you were sitting out. That's definitely a feeling that you will talk about with each other over the next week or two, and neither of you will feel alone in how you're feeling, you'll have something to share. You'll also be able to share in comparing notes on the experience of being with her alone, and hopefully you'll share in some memories of things that you do together with her. You're doing all kinds of neat new stuff together as a couple and a little confusion over the newness of it all is normal, just remember that you're doing it together as a team.

It isn't about competing with your husband and it certainly isn't about revenge or conflict. It's about having fun together and becoming closer to each other. Definitely try to remember that, always.

[darling]

Pleasing two women at once is a big burden for a guy

Gosh I'm sure most everyone feels your pain

[sportync]

Bratcat, I don't want to give you the impression that I am taking hubbie's side in this, but it seems to me that you may have missed some rather good chances to make your needs known. If you are feeling ignored, then tell them to slide over and make some room for another player. If he was on his back, then you could have sat down on his face and positioned her on his cock, and then the two of you women could have fondled, caressed, tweaked and nibbled to your heart's content. That would have gotten the ball rooling in the girl-girl department, and there's no telling where things might have gone from there. I have had the pleasure of two women at the same time, and it is one of the most pleasurable experiences I've ever had....mostly because it showed me just how much my sweet wife really did care for me. How many women are willing to share their man with another girl? That's something pretty darned special, and it is a shame that things didn't go as you had hoped. You need to be assertive when it comes to your needs. Your husband was in the midst of something very new and exciting to him....he probably fantasized about it every minute for a week before the event finally occured. In the midst of all the excitment, and doing the "macho" thing of tryin' to impress her with his prowess, he could very well have sort of forgotten that, yes, there are two women here who both need my attention. So next time, just say "slide over, it's my turn to nibble that thing!" Let us know how it goes, and how about the threesome with another guy? Have you talked about that yet??? Sportync

[Terrileex]

Hi, I can relate so well with you, after having the same friend with me and my husband for over a year, I 'm starting to think it would be easier to just get a stranger to swing with, then you wouldn't have to deal with the person on a day to day basis. She and he have just become a little to comforable. If you had a someone you never had to see again, it might make you fell a little easier about it. Yes make him watch the two of you, it will be fun for all.

[darling]

I hear so many swingers say they won't think about swinging until they have really developed a relationship with the other couple or single. I don't understand this. I would rather not have the threat of my husband or myself for that matter, getting so chummy as to possibly begin confiding in the other parties and then you run the risk of breaking up the marriage. If I allowed my husband to swing with another female after developing a relationship, then I would have to worry about him turning to her when times got tough between us. By doing the club scene and only swinging with almost strangers, we don't feel threatened. He feels the same as I do about this. He does not want me turning to another man with my problems and feelings and possibly developing a "too close" relationship with another man.

There is a inner circle between a husband and wife and once you allow others in that circle, I feel it can only lead to trouble.

What if you begin a "relationship" with another couple and then they hit a rough patch and she turns to your spouse for comfort? She already knows what a great guy he is. He gives her a shoulder to cry on and before you know it....affair. This could also work the other way around.

[OhioCouple]

Darling, I understand where you are coming from. It is all about comfort levels where you and your significant other are concerned.

We choose to become friends with those that we have enjoyed an intimate relationship with. I suppose our reasoning is that it breaks down a little more of the society driven *taboo* that swinging is bad. By having more than just a roll in the hay we don't feel that we have used someone for our own pleasure. Again, just the way we view it.

Yes, there have been some things that one or the other on both sides felt more comfortable talking about with someone outside of their own relationship. In most cases it was the need for a sounding board to sort out feelings in order to objectively talk with their mate. Most of the time it has had nothing to do with sex.

We have only met one couple where this became a problem and it was one that we recently met, which we put a screeching halt to. It is hard to explain, but I do think you can sense when something is just not quite right and it is more than an intended sexual/friendship relationship in nature. I was the one who put the breaks on this and my husband readily agreed as he sensed it too. The best way I can describe it, was that it had the feel of a needy, clingy type of ring to it.

We enjoy the friendships that we made as we can go to ballgame together, spend an afternoon at a museum, talk about the kids and our families, have a nice dinner and go home. Sex does not have to be a part of it in order to enjoy each others company. Human lives are much too complex in our opinion to be strictly sexually oriented.

Lori

[darling]

confession time:

Hubby and I met a single male at a swing club who we began seeing on a regular basis. At first the single complimented me on how affectionate I always was to my husband, what a great relationship we had, etc. I was very flattered and would rub it in a little about how we made love almost everyday, etc..

Before you know it, he was e-mailing me on how much he wanted the same thing as what hubby had. I am the first to admit that I should have put a stop to things right then and there, and hubby even said, he is getting too attached. But I enjoyed the compliments and the friendship and I am a nurturer and wanted to give.

Before you know it, he was coming between hubby and me and the "L" word was mentioned. To make a long story short, after a brief seperation and counselling, hubby and I worked things out. We did stop swinging during this time and for about 6 months after.

Now we are careful to not get overly involved when swinging. I sometimes feel morally wrong for being in it for the strange sex only, but we both feel more comfortable that way.

Our first experience with swinging 7 years or so ago was with my best friend and her husband and there was never more then fun and absolutely no problems involved. I would love to find something like that again, but would feel a little threatened if hubby seemed to get too attached to anyone else and he feels the same.