Couple said they were "safe".

[RnDinAtl]

I ma thoroughly confused. My wife and I first began playing with a couple who were neighborhood friends about 12 years ago. We were with this couple on about six occassions and we both enjoyed the experience. I should note we did not have a full swap, just oral stuff. This ended when the couple tried to get her to do a 3some without me being included. She told me about the attempt and we both agreed it would be best to end the relationship.

We met another couple about 6yrs back via the internet. They lived about 3 hrs. from us. They suggested coming to our city and meeting for dinner and let things go from there. The night they met us, we ended up at our home after dinner and this time we did have a full swap. Again, we both enjoyed the experience and she nearly screwed my brains out the next morning after they left. They decided to abruptly end the relationship with no explanation. My wife was really upset by this.

We moved to a much larger city 3yrs ago and decided to try to find some new playmates. After several months, we found a couple on the internet we thought were interesting. Again, we decided to meet for dinner and let things develop.

We met the couple as planned. During dinner, we specifically asked if they were safe (we meant D/D and pregnancy wise safe) and without hesitation they assured us they were. We again ended up at our house and engaged in a full swap. Afterwards, the guy revealed he, in fact had not had a vasectomy.
My wife went beserk. She was depressed for days and refused to even discuss the evening. She simply said that she did not want to ever subject heself in "that" position again.

Because she was so upset, I haven't even mentioned the idea of playing with another couple since. We both really enjoyed the first two couples and the experiences we had. There was never even a hint of jealousy or guilt afterwards. In fact, the best sex we ever had came after those two experiences.

How can I,or should I broach the idea of finding another couple with her given the last experience and how bad it was for her?

[Stratecpl]

RnD,

It's tragic that anyone would lie and mislead you in such a manner. Something like pregnancy is very serious, and if someone says they have had a vasectomy then they should, in fact, HAVE a vasectomy. That's why it is so much safer to use protection of some sort when having sex with strangers.

These first encounters can be had again and again with others, and great pleasure gotten by all. Your wife has every reason to be cautious, but if she enjoyed them then, she will enjoy them now too. One rotten apple can spoil the whole barrel of apples! Just reassure her that this was the case and will not happen again. We try our best to make long-lasting friendships with those who we play with because you learn more about them. Vital information such as previous play habits, safe sex, trust, and others.

Besides, sex grows hotter among friends because you each learn the others' likes and dislikes.

If people who lie and misrepresent themselves had any idea what damage their actions cause the sincere people, maybe they would refrain from their selfish ways and be more sincere themselves. It would make things better for all of us! I guess we're too naive, since we try to believe in the best qualities of our friends and playmates. Yes, we've been burned a few times, but most have been wonderful.

Good luck, and keep us posted!!

Ron, Husband of Stratecpl

[LIZA]

You met these people on the Internet, ate dinner with them and went home and had intercourse with no protection? Are you INSANE?
I think couples who full swap and don't use protection with close friends are pretty risky but what you did was crazy. I would think your wife is right that you should not be involved in swinging if you both are so trusting and naive!

[CindyB]

I think what Liza is trying to say... if she would just come out of her shell, is... next time ask to see the scar (if there is a next time.)

[RnDinAtl]

I should have been clearer. We didn't just meet these folks and immediately jump in bed. We corresponded for weeks via emails and telephone.We had exchanged photos (G-rated). We had their home phone number, work number and even his cell number. We knew thier names, where they worked, what the did for a living, where they lived (Upscale neighborhood in the suburbs), number of children and ages, etc..You know, with someone's home phone number, you can do alot of research on them. Nor did we have unprotected SEX! However, no matter how much protection you have, the only sure fire way of preventing a pregnancy that we know of is surgery and/or abstinence!

We are not SO trusting and naive! And the real question here was should I even broach the topic with her.

[Flori_DAMAN]

Let me get this straight. You met this couple and they both lied about his vasectomy. You went ahead and protected yourself, had a full swap then the couple suddenly informed you that he had no vasectomy.

Was there name bonnie and clyde or what? How wierd. I cannot understand for the life of me why two obviously responsible adults would blatantly conspire to decieve you; then have protected sex and suddenly reveal this horrible lie. They would have to be fully aware that there actions would terribly upset you and make them look like total jerks. Odd indeed. I hear lots of stories on this site that are so very unusual I have to wonder if some of them are designed to scare people away from the lifestyle.

[Flori_DAMAN]

OH and IMO. I would never broach the subject again if that happened to us. I'd go back to bowling.

[danc694u]

Originally posted by RnDinAtl:
<STRONG> She simply said that she did not want to ever subject heself in "that" position again.</STRONG>

Did she say she didn't want to continue the lifestyle? Or was she stating a fact? As in protection will be used the next time, regardless.

It sounds to me like a redrawing of past bounderies. Talk it over with her, then see where she stands. Regardless of which it is. It will eventually have to be dicussed.

And nothing we say, will make that any easier for you.

[LIZA]

Are you saying you used condoms but were upset about the lie?
Or you trusted that he had a vasectomy to protect from pregnancy, which isn't NEARLY as big an issue as HIV or another STD which no vasectomy in the world will protect you from?
Regardless, I would not broach the subject. If your wife was that upset by this she will let you know when or IF she wants to try again!

[CindyB]

I think the bowling idea sounds good. The balls are bigger and you don't have to pick hair out from between your teeth.

Ok, seriously, one couple deceived you. ONE. And evidently you "got away with it." That should not totally discourage you. What it should do is cause you to rethink your screening process and the way you choose your partners. If you cannot bring yourself to do that then I say you should run with the bowling idea. We still do not use condoms with my brother-in-law but the day he becomes sexually active with another woman is the day we either wind up the party or start using protection. We have not decided which. But nothing is worth risking dying young.

[Atlanta43]

WOW!!!!! I'm not sure how I would feel about starting up again after all these experiences!!!

Now to be fair, if there was a desire to start again (and I confess that I would be VERY deferrential to your wife's wishes), I would take TOTAL control of the situation and set a whole series of ground rules. Work out the rules with the wife AHEAD of time.

Clearly everyone else has pretty much hit the rules, so I won't belabor the point. But its up to YOU to stick to them. If the other couple will not abide by the rules, walk away. DO NOT try to plead with you wife to bend the rules; stick with them.

Either way, sorry to hear about your bad experiences and we both wish you the best of luck...!!!!!

Stay safe!!!

A and L

[invictus]

In our ever so humble opinion...

You are either like Michigancouple stated and "designed to scare people off"

OR

You are as Liza asked "are you insane"

OR

Your wife is trying to tell you something that you should be listening to.

We have not decided which catagory you fall in but we suspect that swinging is not for you in your current mind-set and relationship.

If you do not have an open mind and a secure relationship, you should seek elsewhere for adventure or companionship.

Just our opinion...

M&J

[AtlantaCouple]

RnDinAtl,

Did the other couple explicitly say that the male had a vasectomy? From what you wrote, "we specifically asked if they were safe ", I do not get "did you have a vasectomy?". If someone asks me if I am "safe" sexually, then I would presume that to mean do you have an STD? On top of that, most couples would believe a condom to be safe sex. If I was the other male, and you asked me if I was safe and I was going to use a condom and did not have any diseases that I knew of then I too would answer "yes, i'm safe".

I think if you want to try swinging again then you should start fresh almost if you had never swung before. Bring up fantasies of swapping or watching her be pleasured while you are having sex. Talk about how you enjoyed the experiences and go from there.

The other thing is that if you are so concerned about pregnancy when swinging then you need to take steps in the future instead of relying on the other couple. I assume from the way you talk about it that you have a vasectomy which is the birth control for your couple. If you begin swinging again, maybe add another layer of protection by your wife using the pill, or a diaphram, or a female condom or some other form of birthcontrol so she is not relying solely on the other male's protection. Or you can just keep counting on other couple to tell you they are protected so you don't get pregnate or take Cindy's advice and "next time ask to see the scar ".