Experienced couple moved too fast with us

[funguy500]

Hello..
My wife and I have been in the lifestyle for about 4 mos now. We have had 2 experiences so far. The first one was how shall we say...REALLY BAD. They didnt take there time with us, too push and to be honest, they just didnt do it for us physically. Its mostly our fault on the first couple I think. We wanted to do this so much that I think we kinda jumped the gun. The second experience was last sunday night. It was like night and day from the first couple. Really cool people, very attractive and for the most party, took things slow. OK.. so whats my problem? Well.. it has to do with the guy from the other couple. We where up front about everything before we met. We told them we where newbies and had a bad first experience. We told them the guy was too pushy and we also told them that we wanted to move slow. Well.. from the time that we got to their house to when we left, he was ALL OVER my wife. PAWING here.. touching her.. kissing her. I mean, i know thats what the lifestyle is all about.. but still why didnt he remember about the fact that we wanted to go slow. He knew we had a bad first experience and yet, I just felt he was too forward and pawy on my wife. As soon as we left and my wife and I talked about the experience we both said the same thing. Did he have to be like that the whole night?? Really.. we both said the same thing to eachother When we where actually having sex and involved with the other couple in the bed, it was awesome and it all good. He just didnt want back off afterward. I think there comes a point where you need to back off on new people. Give them some room, ya know. He should have started slow with my wife like i did with his... then slowly crank things up. Then at the end of the night when things where over, I think there should have been a cool down point as well. I mean, should he have been totally trying to make out with my wife as we opened the door to leave?
People, if im way off base here, please say so, but offer advice to us. Dont flame. We really want to get the most out of this lifestyle. If im being too prudish or boring, let me know. I just feel that he went a bit too far and should have remembered our sitution(being newbies) alittle better.

[Bighump]

Not at all,
You should be going at your own pace. Maybe try an on premise club. There you can be as involved as you wish but still walk away if you need a break without having to spend the whole evening with just one jerk

[funguy500]

It wasnt like this guy was a jerk. Just not very considerate. I wish I knew what to do. We want to see this couple again but not if he acts that way again. Should we talk to him about it or just let sleeping dogs lie?

[intuition897]

Hi funguy, Welcome to the board!

No, you're right. He's just a little too hands-on for my liking too. If you both plan on playing with this couple again, your wife gets to experience her first lesson in assertiveness training. Unfortunately, if it comes from you, telling the guy to tone it down a notch might sound a bit possessive from his point of view. It's up to your wife to say, "Hey, slow up there tiger! Leave some for hubby when I get home, eh?" No need to step on any toes, but Mrs. funguy will need to speak up and let him know that she wants to go a little slower. It doesn't have to be uncomfortable. You said they were a cool couple, right? So when he starts pawing again, just casually (keep a sense of humour about this all) stop him by taking his hands off you, putting a little space between you, etc. and say, "Whoah, hang on there! We're still pretty new to this stuff, remember?" Use humour to defuse the situation.

Another approach would be to bring up the topic of "pace" in your non-swinging-getting-to-know-you conversation. Okay, some couples don't have this, but we do. So during chat or emails or phone calls or whatever, this could be brought up and opinions on what pace each couple prefers could be (again, casually) discussed.

Hope this helps some.

[funguy500]

I tried using humor. I said to him at the end of the night... hey.. calm down tiger and stuff like that.. but he kept telling me to relax. I dont know, maybe im being paranoid but I have a right to feel the way i do and he should respect it. I will tell my wife to be more assertive as well.

[Deptydog]

Personally, I think he was too pushy. And if he told you to "relax", that was way off base. It's YOUR wife, remember! As I've stated in the past, my first responsibility is to protect my wife. That includes from overly aggressive guys.

[sweetshyquiet]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Another approach would be to bring up the topic of "pace" in your non-swinging-getting-to-know-you conversation. Okay, some couples don't have this, but we do. So during chat or emails or phone calls or whatever, this could be brought up and opinions on what pace each couple prefers could be (again, casually) discussed.

Intuition897 nailed it. If you don't let people know up front what your playstyles are, you can't be too surprised that they aren't able to read your mind when you get in the heat of the play situation.

For me, I would never accept an invitation for a playdate to someone's house until I knew them well enough to be that familiar, therefore I wouldn't at all be surprised if the other husband or wife were kissing and touching me from the minute I stepped in or out of the house. My styles are different from yours, in that regard.

There were lots of comments in your posts about "why didn't he this" or "we think he should have that," but the bottom line is that you and your wife are the ones with the responsibility for communicating what you expect and will tolerate. It's not reasonable to hope that other couples can read your mind and then magically have the exact same preferences you do.

Now, I do think that the guy from your 2nd couple was too pushy.... but I also wonder why, if you were having a bad vibe or if he was doing something that made her feel uncomfortable... why neither of you spoke up, and why you not only didn't stop him and clear things up right then, but allowed it continue all night long?

All in all, my advice would be more communication with the other couples on the front end, before play.... and then, more assertiveness and respect for your own boundaries when you find yourselves in situations that are awkward or weird.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by Deptydog

Personally, I think he was too pushy. And if he told you to "relax", that was way off base. It's YOUR wife, remember! As I've stated in the past, my first responsibility is to protect my wife. That includes from overly aggressive guys.

Well...when someone is just way overstepping your comfort zones - and you've TOLD him he's doing it! - and he continues to ignore you or trivialize your feelings...the dude's just begging for a wake up call. Okay, so smily face and humourous approach hasn't worked. Time to drop the niceties and tell him flat out, "No, I don't think we want to 'relax'. You need to back up a bit!" Sounds like he's telling himself that you're not really serious. Time to let him know otherwise. It's either slow up the pace, or say goodbye because you two just don't play that way.

[funguy500]

sweetshyquiet,
I appreciate your comments but you have to remember.. WE DID COMMUNICATE WITH THEM ABOUT WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE WE ARE AND WHAT WE WANTED. we told them up front everything that we where looking to do and what kind of experience we wanted to have. We stressed this way before we met through chat sessions and emails. Geez.. i think i must of said the word newbies to him like 500 times. This is why the experience upset me so much. It was because he didnt remember all those things we talked about. If he did, he wouldnt of been so pushy and overly agressive with my wife.
I do agree though that its up to us to stop a situation if we are uncomfortable with it. You better believe this type of thing wont happen again. Its just... well, we where new to it and didnt want to spoil the moment i suppose. We did have a great time with these guys. It wasnt all bad. Just that one thing..

THANKS SO MUCH for all the advice so far!

[LOL_OMG]

I don't see you guys as being in the wrong here. As you said, it should have been pretty clear when you mentioned it to him....for him to just say "relax" was very disrespectful IMO. Trust and mutual respect are biggies for the both of us, and this would have bothered us as well. Sounds like you are alot like us in that it's such a learning experience, I myself am learning the power I have of saying NO.

If you do get together again, I would sit them both down and have a conversation about what you like and don't like. If you have to be blunt, so be it. We much prefer open honesty to guessing. If he doesn't wanna play without mauling....Que Sera.

[funguy500]

LOLOMG,
Yes.. we where thinking about just talking to them about it, but we didnt want to put them off. I think you are right though, we like these guys and if we want to continue to see them, we need to be HONEST.

[funguy500]

Wow.. that couldnt of gone any better. We ended up talking to that couple about the issues we where having and they understood totally! They couldnt of acted any nicer about it. He is going to tone it down a little so we feel more comfortable, problem solved!
Thanks to everyone for all the advice.