Sex without a connection- a learning experience

[NandTfromCA]

To keep a long story short, we were at a New Years dance and all keyed up after dancing and flirting all evening. There was moderate attraction with 2 other couples that seemed nice enough but we certainly hardly knew them. We thought, “what the heck, let’s start the year with a bang”, and decided to jump in the sack with them.

It was just empty fucking (which sounded good in theory but was really not very satisfying). There was some attraction but not that real heat you get with someone that you connect with. There was also some internal irritation because one of the men was not overly respectful. I say internal because there was no awkwardness in the moment just a mental note of “did you really need to say that, in that way, dude”. He wasn’t rude but just didn’t go out of his way to make everyone feel comfortable. Maybe it’s just me but I think a situation where people are naked and hands are everywhere, calls for a little extra sensitivity to others.

Anyhow, it was by no means a terrible experience. We all got to play a little and have an orgasm or two, or three…. It was just a learning experience.

So, we now have rule #3- Just because we horny, and a relatively attractive couple is ready to go, doesn’t mean we are going to play with them. There has to be some sort of mental connection. (for rules #1, #2 see Is it normal for things to go so well with so few rules?)

Although some might say “duh, what’d you expect” it could be something to think about for the newer folks (like we are veterans at about 4 weeks into this journey, lol).

T (XY)

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by NandTfromCA

So, we now have rule #3- Just because we horny, and a relatively attractive couple is ready to go, doesn’t mean we are going to play with them. There has to be some sort of mental connection. T (XY)

Been there and done that. We chalked it up as a lesson learned. What we would run into is we'd be attracted physically and maybe one of us was connecting with the other soon to be playmate mentally so we'd give it a go. We'd tell ourselves "oh, he/she is just quiet", but then even into the play there would still be no connection. So our new rule is: there has to be a connection for both of us over and above the physical attraction. Even if I hit it off with the husband or Spoo hits it off with the wife if that isn't happening for both of us we're not going to play.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[WonTheSexLotto]

Thanks for the valuable insight. So far, we've both had a mental connection with our one and only swing partner (an older single male). At first (before we started swinging), I thought that this would be more likely to create problems for a number of reasons. But Mrs. WTSL felt that some sort of affection, empathy or mental connection is necessary for sex (even though she had a number of successful one-night stands in her past before we met).

Anyway, I didn't really understand the importance of this until after our first experience. It's hard for me to describe, but the connection with him definitely added something. I guess it was "comforting" to have the other guy in tune with her needs. Mrs. WTSL also said that, for her own sake, a mental connection would be necessary for a future FMF. It's nice to know that others feel so strongly about it that they actually made it a rule!

- Mr. WTSL

[lcjtsd]

It would be nice if all the Ken and Barbies would read this. We are just an average couple (like most people) and we have found that the nicest people are the ones that have a great personality. They may not have been the ones you first look at and instantly say to yourself "Boy, I'd sure like to do them!" but once you actually talk and get to know them, that's when you really know if you want to go further or not.

There does need to be more than a physical attraction there. Yes, physical attraction is important. Mrs. LCJTSD does not like facial hair of any kind. That's her preference. She really enjoys kissing and beards and moustaches don't do it for her. But beyond that, she is not attracted to another guy just because he is a Ken Gym Rat either.

We have not had many experiences but I can say that the funnest times we have had have been with those with average looks, a few pounds overweight and great personalities.

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by lcjtsd

It would be nice if all the Ken and Barbies would read this.

In defense of the "Ken and Barbies".

We have meet many people with the Ken and Barbie, the average, and the not so average build. What has attracted us at first is a combination of things. Yes while the physical can catch your eye at first there are other factors that can draw you over to someone.

For me it's brown hair, and a nice smile. So a "Ken" with blonde hair or red hair wouldn't necessarily draw my attention. So I might be missing out if he has a great personality and him and "Barbie" like to do the same things we like to do.

My point is there are so many factors that make someone attractive, from personality, to body type to the color of their eyes or hair. Not all the Ken and Barbies have bad personalities any more than all "average or better" have great ones. We start with what gets us interested in a couple first and then go from there. If if clicks we usually ALL know it.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[NandTfromCA]

Originally Posted by Mrs Spoomonkey

In defense of the "Ken and Barbies".

My point is there are so many factors that make someone attractive, from personality, to body type to the color of their eyes or hair. Not all the Ken and Barbies have bad personalities any more than all "average or better" have great ones. We start with what gets us interested in a couple first and then go from there. If if clicks we usually ALL know it.

Mrs Spoomonkey

My sentiments exactly Mrs. Spoomonkey.

There are so many people that seem like genuinely nice couples but there is zero attraction for N (I'm easy so if she is attracted the guy, I will probably be attracted to the girl). N is typically black/brown hair exclusive when it comes to initial attraction. There are exceptions, but 9 out of 10 times he will need to have dark hair to catch her eye. Then there are other women who are primarily attracted to blondes.

Then there’s personality- some like soft spoken, some like commanding, some like funny, some like deep and serious. Seems like the bottom line is that there are tons of great couples but not alot of great matches.

Attraction is such a subjective and personal concept.

The hardest part is figuring out which couples to spend time with…do you get to know the really cool couple that you physically do not find attractive and maybe find out the mental connection drives attraction…or do you hold out for the perfect fit? I guess to each there own

[ranchofuncouple]

I have to throw my support behind the Ken and Barbie supporters too! While I wouldn't say we're anything but above average, it's because I'm biased, I've like myself since I've met me, and my better half since I fisrt heard her voice on the phone some 16 years ago!!!

We've played with people who physically were 'way above our paygrade' in both fitness and looks, but the fun times we've had the most have been with people we connect with, regardless of looks. One of our playmates was actually asked by someone at a dance 'what on earth are you doing with 'THOSE TWO' and she replied 'something I'll never do with you two: having fun!'

We look for open minded, non-judgemental people, period. A physical attraction helps get introduced, both ways, right? But we can honestly say we've met our share of beauties who were in bodies that most wouldn't look at, and beasts in bodies most would crave...

It's connection, not looks... we don't fuck, we don't make love, we prefer to 'make like' with friends!

[curiousandinter]

Interesting, so there is some type of relationship that developes with the other couple. However, it stays plutonic...or has there ever been an instance in which a type of jelous bond developes between you and another couple. If not, then what is the difference if they have a personality that you like, because at the very end, you do not want to be attached.
Just asking, because that is the part the keeps me from moving forward with trying this lifestyle.

[In2curiosity]

Originally Posted by curiousandinter

Interesting, so there is some type of relationship that developes with the other couple. However, it stays plutonic...or has there ever been an instance in which a type of jelous bond developes between you and another couple. If not, then what is the difference if they have a personality that you like, because at the very end, you do not want to be attached.
Just asking, because that is the part the keeps me from moving forward with trying this lifestyle.

I am answering this in theory rather than fact because I am so new to all of this but this is something we have examined and talked about a lot. I don't want to be life long friends with people I play with. So much so that we are wonderful friends with a couple that we both adore and feel sexually attracted to and know that we could easily play if we wanted. This seems to be how a lot of people come into this lifestyle based on what I have read. For me I worry too much that it would damage our friendship in some way and that is too important to me to jeopardize. Now if we played with someone and then formed that type of connection it might be wonderful.....I just don't know. But for me, right now, knowing what I know, which isn't much......I prefer to keep my "real life" and my "play life" separate. But at the same time I can't imagine having sex with someone I didn't feel a connection with beyond sexual. I will use these boards for example......While reading I am 'turned on' by some of the humor I see in Spoons post, I am turned on by the sensitivity and genuine caring that Allura has for his wife. (there are others but these are 2 screen names that jump out at me) There is a cerebral connection even though they could both look like toads for all I know. But I look forward to reading their posts to see what comes next......While at the same time, I read another post that was a bit crude and graphic and it made me hot for about 5 seconds but I couldn't even begin to tell you who wrote it or even what thread....after 5 seconds it was gone from my screen. There wasn't any connection at all. When meeting people in life that for me is the difference. I can't imagine staying hot long enough to have a great encounter with someone if it is just physical.....there has to be something more. I have to enjoy who that person is....not just what they look like.
So that is my opinion from the cheap seat.

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by In2curiosity

I am answering this in theory rather than fact because I am so new to all of this but this is something we have examined and talked about a lot. I don't want to be life long friends with people I play with. So much so that we are wonderful friends with a couple that we both adore and feel sexually attracted to and know that we could easily play if we wanted. This seems to be how a lot of people come into this lifestyle based on what I have read. For me I worry too much that it would damage our friendship in some way and that is too important to me to jeopardize. Now if we played with someone and then formed that type of connection it might be wonderful.....I just don't know. But for me, right now, knowing what I know, which isn't much......I prefer to keep my "real life" and my "play life" separate. But at the same time I can't imagine having sex with someone I didn't feel a connection with beyond sexual.

In2curiosity, Spoo and I have had a wide range of sexual encounters with couples. From the couple this past year that we have no idea what their names are (I think Spoo started a thread about it) to couples that we have a great friendship with outside of the bedroom.

Our preference is to have friends that like to do the same things as us and we can see them in other ways besides the occasional bedroom meeting. :rollseyes In fact it would be our ideal to have a circle of friends like this that all get along and can also intermittantly mix up in play.

We don't however plan to ever bring our current "vanilla" friends into the lifestyle. The two will remain separate for us in that respect. The friends we had before the lifestyle will stay that way and don't know that we are swingers. The friends we make in the lifestyle we hope to have for a long time and share other experiences with.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[2inVT]

It works differently for different people. Swinging is a very personal experience, both in how it plays out and in what works for you.

We, too, need that mental/personality connection, whatever you want to call it. But, there are folks for whom the "fucking strangers" deal is exactly what they want and like. It's not a bad thing, just a difference.