Lifestyle Nightmare: Where Were the Hosts?

[twobears]

Well my simple note is to let you know that I am a bi female and the lifestyle has helped us give up that last small little space of ourselves to each other first!! Our out look on things is always as a couple, the respect that a woman gets from males who know what the lifestyle is about, is one of your departments you are missing. Read some books too, wouldn't hurt. We studied all winter last year and talk about all our very private feeling, wouldn't give up one moment of that time together has open up a whole new world of feeling and love and respect for each other, I hope you get the right out look on things. Each of us is the last one in line, our mate or partner is always first thought for their pleasure not our on and sometimes when we see the world throught the eyes of our mate, that is really freedom from our own self. To have a heart that is full of love and respect not only for the one we love but respect for all the lovely female creation that is yours to enjoy but only after you have given your mate the freedom she should have to be a hot lover to her own sex too, boy that is something, to be yourself and we all try to be better human being to each other in or out of the lifestyle. Good Luck on your changes!!

[Uomo]

Originally Posted by bear_and_babe

You are getting flamed a little here, and I think you are taking it well. I would suggest that you take some time and read the posts on this board. You will learn a lot.

Flamed ... is too kind a word. I'm ashes in an on-line urn.

I read every post carefully and try to learn as much as I can. You are the experts -- not me. The fact is ... these are all very real concerns, so I'm laying it all out on the table, even if it isn't P.C. If I am wrong ... tell me why (and don't hold back). Even when someone tells me to go jump off a bridge, there is an implicit message there. I won't jump off a bridge ... but its nice to know someone is willing to push me. The fact is: you are all making a fool of me, and I'd like to think that we all (myself included) are richer for the experience. I'm quickly learning that I don't know much about the lifestyle ... and may need to give it a second look (with a new perspective). Thanks for the education.

[TNT]

Good Grief! So many things to comment on, I have no idea where to start...

The off-premise event:

1) No Movement: Sometimes this happens and sometimes not. The mingling that you were looking for all depends on the crowd that is present on any given night. What we have found is that it usually only takes one person to get a party started. Someone has to be the first to get up and start dancing, talking, mingling.

2)No Host: This one I tend to agree with you on...I do believe that a good host/hostess will roam the room and interact with their guest. But, it is NOT the host/hostess total responsibility to make sure that you get out of your seat and introduce yourself to others. Every club/social that we have ever been to had a new couple’s orientation (usually about 30 minutes prior to the actual event starting) where those that are new were given a tour, given the chance to ask questions and the rules of the event were gone over, as well as a chance for the newbies to at least learn each other’s name. I’m sorry the event you went to did not have this.

As far as tables...well, they are kind of a necessity...I need somewhere to set my drink when I’m on the dance floor and I’ve been the new person at enough events I have no problem crashing a table of 10 to say “Hi, how are ya’ll doing tonight?...Looks like ya’ll are having a good time”. The thing to remember is DON’T get pissed if you sit at a table all night and no one comes up to talk to you...get up off your butt, take the initiative and go introduce yourself to someone.

3) No organized events: Well, very few socials have any kind of organized events. There are a few that do play a few ice breaker games and these are great for getting people up and moving about...the thing I have found when it comes to games is that they’re good for getting the party started, but I really hate it when things are hopping really good and everything stops for a darn game to be played...but that’s just my opinion.

Originally Posted by Uomo

If I am a guy interested in going one on one with another guy's wife ... I don't necessarily want to introduce myself to the women with the guy sitting there giving me the evil eye .

I had to comment on this...that is the most sleaziest way of thinking I have ever read...if you can’t introduce yourself to me in the presence of my husband (news flash... he knows I have sex with other men) then what makes you think it’s okay to do so when he’s not around? You’re at a swingers event...sex and talking to other people are what we do....we don’t sneak around behind our spouse’s back.. Those that do are showing very little respect for others.

4) Lousy Dance Set-up: Having run a social before I will tell you that this is one thing you will never please everyone with. The best you can do is try and play a variety of different types of music and even then, you’re still going to have those who hate everything that is played. The best mix in my opinion is a few fast songs...bring it down with a few slow songs and then take it back up with some more fast ones. Dance floor: There are times when an acre wouldn’t be big enough and times when a postage stamp is too big...you just never know.

My consensus of your first lifestyle event (from your description)..yes, it could have been better but...you will only have as much fun as you want to have.

To some of your other comments:

Originally Posted by Uomo

My observations are that the lifestyle is male dominated.

Well, you obviously have not observed very well...Swinging is run by the women. Ask any husband who runs the show and he will tell you his wife does...the husband is usually just glad to be along for the ride.

As far as women going off and playing without their husband...I have permission to do so anytime I want...I choose not to because I like having my husband with me . There are couples who play separately , but unless you take the time to get to know them, you’ll never know this.

After reading your posts I’m not sure exactly what you are looking for in swinging. You say that your wife does not play...is this her choice or your’s? What exactly is the play scenario you are looking for ? You playing with another man’s wife (without him present) with your wife watching? A threesome with you and a couple and your wife watching? What are you wanting?

You seem to be pissed because the wives didn’t leave their husbands to go play with you and that it was because their husband’s wouldn’t let them. Have you ever thought that maybe it was the wife’s choice NOT to play without their husband? Afterall, you say your wife does not want to play, just watch (I’m assuming it’s her choice and not one you have demanded of her), why is it so hard for you to grasp that other women make their own choices in the swinging lifestyle?


Teresa

[Uomo]

Originally Posted by TNT

After reading your posts I’m not sure exactly what you are looking for in swinging. You say that your wife does not play...is this her choice or your’s? What exactly is the play scenario you are looking for ? You playing with another man’s wife (without him present) with your wife watching? A threesome with you and a couple and your wife watching? What are you wanting?

Teresa

Thank you for all of your thoughtful comments.

As regards my wife: it's completely her call what she does or does not do. I would be a complete hypocrite any other way, and the truth of the matter is ... I have absolutely no reservations about what she does (I might even enjoy watching myself). The key is: whatever makes her comfortable. I'm not going to pressure her to do anything she doesn't want to do. I'd like to think she might have a little fun herself were the mood right (soft swinging, or otherwise). It's her call.

What scenario am I looking for? Ideally: One-on-one intimacy (in private). After a while, I'd be fine with an audience of spouses (or even a MFM). I think letting her watch might even make the lifestyle more enticing (and less threatening). But insofar as I've never dated before marriage ... (call me crazy, but ...) I want it to be special (or at least feel special) ... I want to feel comfortable and enjoy the experience. I don't know if I could do that with an audience in the room. At least, not at first. I think, however, in good time, I would like my wife (or him) to watch (I think it would spice things up for us and be fun). If she (or he) wanted to participate ... again, that's fine too. But at the outset ... I want to go at a comfortable pace and set an intimate tone one-on-one. I'm not looking for porn-style sex (not, at least, at the outset) ... I'm looking for something sensual, passionate, and maybe even romantic. Long kisses, message, extended foreplay ... I want to get in touch with my feelings. I think it could be wonderful. I'm just not sure if what I am seeking is realistic. I'm lost in the woods searching for answers. You are all helping me through.

[JustAskJulie]

If what you want is one on one and you aren't comfortable dealing with someone's husband then I definately agree that you should go back and try the single/bar scene. You'll have much more luck there. As Teresa said, while there are many wives who do play one on one (and who's husbands don't mind) for most the idea of a guy coming in and saying that is the only way it's going to be, it just won't happen. You might get some level of chance at an on-premise club, but even then it really depends on the people you encounter. So, if it's one on one you crave and your wife has no desire to participate in anything then yes swinging is not the avenue for you.

[BiloxiCouple]

looking for something sensual, passionate, and maybe even romantic

Don't look for this here. From this post you are looking for a relationship that isn't swinging. If you got romantic with my spouse...

Yes you can be friends. But the other stuff is sex. You aren't making love to her. It's sex. There is a difference.

But insofar as I've never dated before marriage ...

Our relationship was short before we got married, but we dated before marriage.

The off/on premise clubs are what YOU make of them. They offer YOU the opportunity to meet people. Yes I have seen many people not get up and introduce themselves or mingle. It's their fault.

I read your post here and the replies and I agree with the replies to your situation here. You need to leave the attitude at home. Talk to your mate and figure out what you both want with this lifestyle.

Most of this post was about you. When I feel it should be about everyone around you. Swinging is a small group of people others figure out quickly what you are up to. If you keep thinking the way you are now you may find it difficult to be in this lifestyle.

I am not usually this negative, but this particular thread has irritated me.

So, grow up. Life isn't just about you.

Billy

[Uomo]

Originally Posted by BiloxiCouple

From this post you are looking for a relationship that isn't swinging. If you got romantic with my spouse...

I am not usually this negative, but this particular thread has irritated me.

So, grow up. Life isn't just about you.

Billy

Ouch !!

That's kind of what I'm afraid of ... I most certainly AM looking to "get romantic" with your spouse ... and (here's goes nothing) ... I'm fairly confident in saying I'm much better at it than most men (and I do speak from some experience here). I think that most men would get freaked out if they saw me romancing (and getting privately intmate with) their wives. You are right ... I don't want sex ... I want to make love (or something close to it) ... and if the little lady gets used to "making love" and she isn't getting it from her man ... that's a problem.

Now don't get me wrong here ... I don't know a damn thing about your love-life. Maybe you are a magnificent candleight lover? But most men ... are not. Good at sex (hopefully) ... but not so good at making love. How do you win over a married woman? Become to her everything ... her husband is not. I know it works. I've played this game for fun before (with limits). It works like magic.

That's why I still have a hard time envisioning success in the lifestyle (notwithstanding uplifting accounts such as Pepper's expereinces with single males). I am looking to take intimacy to a level where most couples in the lifestyle (quite frankly) would probably be uncomfortable. Again, correct me if I am wrong? How many men would let their wives run away on a sensual date with Mr. tall, dark handsome and successful? I think my approach is well-suited for the desperate housewives set ... but I think its beyond the bounds of a comfortable swing. Hell, even the women might be a little uncomfortable here (... but I also think there are those who would prefer it).

Thoughts? ( ... here come the daggers, for certain).

[TNT]

You might be surprised at how suave and debonair some of us can be... to our spouses. It's just not appropriate to do that to anyone elses wife. In many ways you would just come across as Pepe LePew.


Ted

[AZ Dreaming]

I am not going to waste more of my day writing up a long post to you. Frankly, I have wasted enough time reading this thread.

As others have said you just don't "get" what this lifestyle is all about! I "make love" to my husband, I have sex with playmates. PERIOD!

I am not doing this to "get romantic" with other men. I am doing this to have new experiences with other people and to have a great time with my husband!

[jennandjamesinm]

Try this site - http://www.philanderers.com/dating/

you might find more of what you are looking for there. As a rule, swingers don't play mind games and you will find yourself on the outside looking in.

Or even a better suggestion - stop realizing that the world doesn't owe you anything, be the spectacular lover that you think you are to your wife, and spark it up with her, before she leaves you.

[WildMiCouple]

Originally Posted by Uomo

That's kind of what I'm afraid of ... I most certainly AM looking to "get romantic" with your spouse ... and (here's goes nothing) ... I'm fairly confident in saying I'm much better at it than most men (and I do speak from some experience here). I think that most men would get freaked out if they saw me romancing (and getting privately intmate with) their wives. You are right ... I don't want sex ... I want to make love (or something close to it) ... and if the little lady gets used to "making love" and she isn't getting it from her man ... that's a problem.

Sounds to me like you're looking for something outside your marriage that you don't have within. If I were you, Uomo, I'd work on my own relationship with my wife before I started looking outside it.

Brett

[Uomo]

Originally Posted by AZ Dreaming

I am not going to waste more of my day writing up a long post to you. ... I am not doing this to "get romantic" with other men. I am doing this to have new experiences with other people and to have a great time with my husband!

All I am saying is: different strokes for different folks. If "sex" is what you want ... then that works for you. It does not work that well for me. It does not mean either one of us is wrong for feeling the way we do. We are just looking for something different out of the experience. What I am trying to do is just get a general feel for the "lifestyle" sentiment. Am I out here all alone ... or are there a fair nunber of members in the lifestyle looking for something more out of an outside encounter (like me)? That's all.

I think its an excellent thread because these are real issues that need to be discussed ... there are others (not in the lifestyle) who (like me) are or will be considering the lifestyle for something along the lines of what I am seeking. I can guarantee you they will get a lot of useful insight from this thread, given the high response rate and detailed answers. Swinging is what it is ... and I can't make it into what it's not. I am happily married ... but that does not mean I cannot also love another with my heart (even if just in the moment). I know this is may be an a-typical male sentiment: but if the lifestyle doesn't have a place for the hopelessly romantic man ... you can gladly count me out -- "Pepe Le-Uomo"

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by Uomo

All I am saying is: different strokes for different folks. If "sex" is what you want ... then that works for you. It does not work that well for me. It does not mean either one of us is wrong for feeling the way we do. We are just looking for something different out of the experience. What I am trying to do is just get a general feel for the "lifestyle" sentiment. Am I out here all alone ... or are there a fair nunber of members in the lifestyle looking for something more out of an outside encounter (like me)? That's all.

So is your wife looking for romantic love outside of your relationship at well?

It sounds like you are looking to basically have an affair with permission, which would be an open marriage. Most of us swingers would never be happy with an open marriage so you will find little luck here.

[Uomo]

Originally Posted by WildMiCouple

Sounds to me like you're looking for something outside your marriage that you don't have within. If I were you, Uomo, I'd work on my own relationship with my wife before I started looking outside it.

Brett

Good advice ... but I'm not sure that alone will do the trick.

My marriage is fine. The experience I seek is a fleeting trek down a fork in the road not travelled. What life might have been, had fate taken a different direction ... that's all. A romantic fantasy or escape. I don't want to steal your wife from you (forever) ... just for a few hours, an evening (or two).

That doesn't sit all too well with you, now does it? No ... I didn't think so. But give me this much: I'm honest. Honest to a fault.

Good general advice. Thanks -- Uomo

[Uomo]

Originally Posted by Chicup

It sounds like you are looking to basically have an affair with permission, which would be an open marriage.

BULLS-EYE.

About "my lifestyle" not being welcomed in "the" lifestyle: You are probably right. Time to move on.