I'm so irritated..

[dragonblade]

So I know that I don't post a super lot, but that's not my fault because I just read, read, read here all the time and I swear I could read forever and not get thru everything. But anyway....

Ok, if y'all remember my original quandry, I had a wicked bad first experience with the whole kit-n-caboodle. Taking one for the team, dude only had one tooth, he was very rude after the fact etc. So Hubby and I learned from that, and we've since discussed signals or what have you to prevent this sort of thing from happening again. We're not quite sure if we're going to continue with swinging, but as it stands, we hope so, and it's just a matter of finding the right people to swing with. So, while I am not actively seeking per se, we're not completely ruling everything out either. We just play it by ear, you know? We still play with Hubby's best friend, and we still (When we can afford to) plan on meeting up with one of my good friends in MO. So I guess slow and steady is the way for us. We've also said that we want friendship first. I know it's not for everyone, but when it's what you're comfy with you stick to it right? (Long winded I know...)

Ok, so here's where it breaks down. Literally one week ago a couple messages me. They live in the area, and want to chat. So I'm thinking "Cool!" We start talking, and they right off the bat say that they want an exclusive relationship with a couple , and that they're really looking for people to play with etc. Well I had told them my previous experience and that we're not sure we're even going to swing, and though we think that sometime in the future we very well might, it's not a given, or a definite. That we definitely want friends first, etc. They seem cool with it at that point, and so I figure ok, we'll start a possible friendship. Everything seems cool.

A few nights later, my husband happened to go to bed *really* early, and they also happen to message me again. Take in mind this is the week before christmas, who with a 5 year old has time to think about a new swinging relationship? Not me. Anyway, they're all like "Did you tell hubby about us yet?" And I honestly said no, I hadn't really had time, and they were like "You should come over here!" Of course I was appalled, and told them they surely knew I would never go without my husband. Of course they said "bring him too!" and I said and what about my child? To which they got exasperated and said "Git a sitter" WTF? It's like 10:30 at night on a weeknight I am NOT about to get a sitter. So I tried again to (politely) say "No." Of course that was met with "You guys don't think we're attractive enough, that's why you're refusing isn't it?" What the hell?!? So they stopped talking for the night, and though kinda weirded out, didn't think too much of it.

Oh, they had also told me that he was going to be going down to N.O. to work in less than 2 weeks, and that they were moving to Oklahoma in about 6 months. So apparently they wanted to meet up *really* quickly and have an "exclusive" relationship for a couple months?? Oooookay...

So they message me tonight with "Merry Xmas" so being the rather jolly person I am I said "Merry Christmas" back to them. Then they're like "Want a REALLY good christmas present??" Wait a minute, weren't they mad at me 2 days ago? Have they not listened to a word I said? Of course I responded with "No, I already told you that.#1 we don't even know if we're still going to swing, #2 we don't even know you and after our first mistake, we aren't so quick to jump right in again anyway, and that because you're leaving in less than 2 weeks that it'd be futile because we wouldn't have long enough to get to know you guys in person, etc." To which they then said "Your loss!" I responded something along the lines of..." it's not a personal affront to you, and honestly has nothing to do with you guys in any capacity, but we're not about to rush into anything. Well I am sorry you feel that way, but with being a couple who wanted an exclusive relationship with another couple, I would think you would be interested in not only getting to know them, but getting to know both parties, and also making sure that all parties involved were comfortable. To boot, you seem to be pressuring and when I tell you it's not you (and I happen to not be a liar, though you wouldn't know cause you haven't taken the time for that) you get defensive and think that it *IS* you when I told you that's not the case." They said nothing.

So here I am somewhat seething, thinking they and I had only talked a total of 4 times, they're all pissed off, and want me to come over so bad. I've explained myself many times, and they don't even ask about my husband really? How the heck can you want an exclusive relationship with a couple when you don't even get to know both people that make up the couple?! Am I blowing this out of proportion? Are these people just crazy? What the heck is going on! I'm glad I didn't go meet up with them, and I know for sure not everyone in this lifestyle is nuts, because you people are at least somewhat down to earth. And you guys are what gives me hope for this whole thing, but what am I doing wrong here?! Geez... I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I needed to vent a little anyway. Thanks for listening, and any feed back is greatly appreciated.

Merry Christmas everyone!!

~~Blade~~

[EternallySingle]

Basically, you can't let someone continue to think there may be a chance when you have no intention of giving them one, or you are not sure you want to give anyone a chance. No means NO! Not only do people who approach you have accept that you don't want to play with them, you have to say, in no uncertain terms, that you are not interested. If you don't, you are giving them the green light to continue to try and get you interested.

You just have to be firm. It sounds like this couple is rather impatient and are looking for someone on the same page they are on. You are not on the same page with them, so you really should, in no uncertain terms, tell them you are not interested in meeting them for anything sexual because you don't know if you want to still pursue swinging.

As a single man, I've found it much easier to respect single women that tell me "No" flat out as to single women that try to tell me no without saying no because they don't want to hurt my feelings. It never works, because by not saying "No", they are saying, at least to the pursuer's mind, "Try a different approach. You last one just didn't turn me on but I still like you so you do have a chance." Unless you say you are not interested, you are just playing hard to get. As a single man, rule Number One is never give up on a woman that is playing hard to get, because you don't know when they are going to stop playing and start "Playing". Since you are dealing with a couple, half of that couple is a man, and he is seeing someone that is undecided and playing hard to get, not someone that is upset, frustrated at their impatience, and wants them to stop.

You just have to be polite, but firm and extremely clear, that you don't want to pursue things with them any further because both parties are not on the same page as to what they want and when and how they want it.

[fun4Ds]

we can all relate to how you feel a little ranting is what we are here for. seems like you have your head together. it was the other cpl that had their head up their ass.we had one that wouldnt give it up with.... "you come over now we horney" yea rite

[stnyadventure]

Well, I can relate to what you are saying. Although we have Im and all the goodies, we have one simple and firm way of taking care of this sort of thing.

First, we try to, in a very polite and firm way, say--> "we are not interested at this time" period.

If the couple continues to im or em us, we just go in and block them from our profile (Swing Lifestyle) and block em on IM also. This stops everything totally, and works rather well. Same with our EM on gmail, just send it to the trash as spam and bang...gone.

We've only had to do this a couple of times, but figure that when we say we are not interested, it means just that. We have also received messages back stating other couples were not interested, and we just let it go at that and not bothered them any more.

See its call respect. I'd say about 95 % of everyone that belongs to a place like Swing Lifestyle has respect for others. It's the 5 % that don't and most of the time out of that 5 % its the male side of a couple, or a single male (with whom we want no contact from and have the settings fixed in profile).

So yes, you are blowing this up and its good to get it out of your system. Just kick back, change some settings in your profile, start using the "block" feature. Works for us and should for you also.

Am really sorry to hear about all this, but do not give up ! Just take your time, make friends, see if you all have the same thing in mind, and go down that road easy, knowing that ""NO"" means """NO"""

Cheer's

STNYadventure

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by dragonblade

Am I blowing this out of proportion?

Yep...

A person on IM is simply that - nameless, faceless no one. You have an option to ignore - use it.

I tend to not get too much into detail with people on IM who IM me out of the blue. If I don't know them, I tend to be pretty leery. All you had to say is "nope" and maybe to be nice "have a nice Christmas." The rest was just extra work for you.

This is far too much drama for someone you haven't met in real life.

Spoomonkey

[LikeMinds321]

A policy we established early on was "no IMing with people until after we've met and decided we wanted to continue a relationship with them." Some IMers can be people who live on impulse.

If you think back to the progress of this situation, you may realize that there were red flags early on. In the future, don't ignore them. If you continue communicating with problem people you become part of the problem and are just as much to blame for the crappy situation you're in.

Take this recent experience as a lesson that can help you find a better way to approach people in the future. It's these frustrations with swinging that can make you a smarter swinger IF you look for the ways you could have handled yourself differently.

LM

[WesternSwing]

I think you are blowing it a little out of proportion, but your feelings are very justified.

Unlike Spoo and LikeMinds, we use IM quite a bit, and usually as an addition to profiles on swingers sites. It does help us get to know people a little better.

Chalk it up to these are people you didn't want to meet anyway. You can always block them on your IM and on your profile on whatever site you are on. Some people are in it for sport-fucking, others for friendships. Although we don't have a problem with a one-night-stand with a good couple, we tend to develop friendships with people we swing with. It's not a requirement, it just happens that way. Maybe it's because we seek people that we could be friends with to get naked with. You asking this is not out of reason, and the fact they wanted to be exclusive is a major turn-off regardless. You are not married to them, so they shouldn't be concerned about your life away from them. This couple was trouble from the get-go.

So calm down, move on, and keep playing it like you need to to be comfortable. The right people will eventually come along.

Mr. WS

[dragonblade]

Hey guys, thanks for the input. I happened to write the initial post right after getting offfline with them, and hence the seething at the moment. Just for a little clarification, they didn't get me off any site, though we are on Swing Lifestyle, but they just random IM on Yahoo, because they saw we live in the same area. Though my profile mentions sex it in no way (As far as I'm aware) aludes to swinging, they just happened on a lucky guess as it were.

Anyhow, I think you guys are all right, one of my biggest problems is not knowing when to use the ignore button regardless of whether it's swinging issues or just some jerk who messages me whether I know them or not. And Eternally Single is right especially saying that I need to instead of continually saying no, no thank you, not at this time...all gentle and passive if they don't get the hint, be straight and clear and tell them No means no, and we're just not interested. I think it's a matter of I always think the best of people, and want to give them chance after chance...sometimes that's just not feasible.

Thanks again guys and if you have anything else to add, you know I'm listening!!

~~Blade~~

[HappyPeople]

We push pushy people right out of our lives... We have lives and are busy people - swinging is only one of the many things that we do.

I suggest not letting someone who is in charge of a computer try to be in charge of your sex life. There are plenty of people out there who swing without all the drama or implied obligations, don't feel too badly shutting someone out because they are not dancing to the same drummer you are.

[DBL D]

Let it go, babe. Not worth the trouble. Clearly not the type you were looking for, but if you didn't IM them before meeting it would've cost you more.

IM is a good thing! <EG>

M.D.

[lovedoctor]

We had a strange IM experience like that when we were first getting our feet wet. Got a little wierded out, just like you - but we figured it was just a part of the learning experience.

Sounds like those folks were just out pfishing! I tend not to respond to the IMs of folks I don't know for that very reason. It sounds like the "car deal that's just too good to pass up!" Thanks for nothing....next!

Don't let it irritate you for too long, that's my advice. Make a point not to be that kind of person to others, and then just be wary of responding in the future.

~Ms. LoveD