3 bad experiences, need help

[txduo2000]

We have had this happen once, but we aren't very active "players" anyway ... very hard to find compatible couples, you know. :rollseyes

Anyway, from my perspective, and having been in this position once I feel qualified to share my perspective, I don't understand why you made your husband stop what he was doing each time. I mean, yes, we have a rule that we play together, that we are same room always, but things are not always going to go completely synchronistically and I kind of feel it's unreasonable to think that you would expect them to.

I feel badly for you that this happened to you 3 times and I certainly would establish for future encounters that drinking is to be held at a minimum, and try to foster some sort of communication with potentials that lets them know that they really need to be sure of their abilities, but of course, that gives them reason to become self-conscious in itself, so what to do?????

I just know that I could never pull my husband out of an encounter just because mine wasn't going right on schedule and in tune with his.

In our situation, I just sat back and watched, which I really like to do anyway ....

And let me just add that NO man other than my husband "pulls [me] to him" ... NEVER Were I placed in that situation, I might have gently told the other man something along the lines of "why don't you join us all over here?" and let him know THAT was where I wanted to be at that time. I am not an ego buster by any means, but if it wasn't working, it wasn't working. There was no need for EVERYONE'S play to be ruined because this one guy had difficulties, quite possibly of his own making.

[Carol_Danny]

Only 3 bad experiences?? Consider yourself lucky

Over the years, we have had the same problem with some couples. Typically, the "limp" male problem has to do with drugs/alcohol, or the fact that the couples are new to swinging and the male partner is felling a bit stressed at seeing his partner enjoy herself. This has happened to us too many times to count, and actually turned us right off of "newbies" for a while. We are there for fun and sex, not to deal with the issues another couple may have!

But, I do have to say that I was somewhat shocked that you stopped your husband's enjoyment. We would never do that to one another as we do share in the pleasure we each receive. Carol, being on the receiving end of inattention or inactivity many times, has never even hinted for me to stop what I was doing and enjoying. We have been in similar situations where the male partner couldn't perform, and ended up stopping me and his partner, but we've never experienced the woman stopping the fun.

I should point out that we are not into "Swapping" where the partners exchange and play like that. We are more into the big group experience (even with one other couple) where everyone is together enjoying the play. Primarily, this is because Carol is fully Bisexual, and likes to experience everything together.

My advice is to find more experienced partners who are more comfortable with the Lifestyle, and cut down on the drinking beforehand. If you meet a couple, and see that they are drinking quite a bit, just move on. While some have no problem handling their alcohol, others just can't perform (and always say, "WOW! This never happened before!")

Danny & Carol

[joplin]

Ok, let me clarify that I am not standing up and saying "Stop" and everyone stops what is going on. What I mean by stopping my husband is by saying that I am giving him the "I am not happy with this situation, let's switch back" signal. He'll nod and one of us will say we want to switch back. When we switch back, I will then please him in whatever way he wants it. Please don't think that I am making it all stop completely. That would be terribly wrong of me to say that everyone had to stop because I am not having a good time. We just switch back to our spouses. Now, in the third situation, I kind of did pull him away from a fun time in order to come back to me, however the other male stopped everything all together. In the first two situations, the other couples seemed ok with going back to their spouses, but in the third situation, the male just made it stop all together due to his limp situation. I just made him stop having fun with the other female, which I know is wrong, but understand that this was the third limp situation I had been in, and I was getting upset and didn't know what else to do. We are just very new to the lifestyle, and it is all a huge learning experience. Just wanted to clarify that.

[BodyScape02]

Originally Posted by joplin

Ok, We are just very new to the lifestyle, and it is all a huge learning experience. Just wanted to clarify that.

for all of us... more true words were never spoken... you have it in perspective.

[J & K]

Being a male things don't always work when you want them to. Also, there are times when you don't want to get a hard on and it happens.

When reading about this the thought of your husband having to stop was interesting. You have your rules and it is ok to follow them. I kept thinking there is going to be a time that you are hot into the sex with another man/woman and your husband has had too much to drink or a bit nervous with a hot chic and comes up to you and says, "Stop honey...I am having erection problems". LOL

Those men who say they never have problems getting an erection....well....there will be a time it will happen.

First time meetings naked and with booze in the system try soft swap all together and once it heats up more MAYBE a full swap. Being with your own S/O first to warm up with make it easier to move onto another person.

In my book if erection problem happens all night I might as well use my other functions to please a lady. You say you aren't oral? Well then have him masterbate you and use toys if you have them. A limp dick don't mean the whole night is over. It is only over if you make it and if you make the other men feel bad for being limp with you it will happen again because you concentrated that flaw into the open for them.

I remember a few times a certain lady expected me hard once my clothes came off and she mentioned it very boldly. The pressure to be hard was on now and it didn't want to go up at all no matter how much she touched it. After that everytime I see her that night plays out in my mind and when we all get naked I don't care to get hard sub-mentally because she down graded the event that ALL MEN SHOULD BE HARD seeing her naked. So if you meet these guys again and they fail to perform it might be what you said to them to prevent it from happening....hopefully it don't happen at all.

BTW--start early in the night to play and keep the drinking to a min. That might help...who knows if the booze and late hours were dragging the men's bodies into the "ZZZZZZ's" mode.

[robel12550]

For what it's worth, here's another male's 0.0002 cents. (Damn inflation!)

J&K's response pretty much sums it up. And even in health class, you should have been told that no male can "command" an erection to save their lives. (If only we could be so cursed.) The reply about three little words (Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis) is humorous, but misleading. The drug disclaimers even state that they aren't guarantees for an erection.

Alchol has sometimes even given me much longer lasting erections than the ED drugs. It becomes very confusing from a male point of view as to what will or won't work.

To somewhat recap (and forgive me if I don't get the details correct, but this it the impression I was left with), you mentioned that you met these folks in a situation where you effectively just met up with them. Kind of a "Hi, how are you? Do we think everyone is compatible? OK, let's go play.) In a situation like that, they might have discounted the aspect that play might have been involved later in the evening and lost track of their drinks. It might be better to meet and greet then schedule a play meeting at another time where drinking can be minimized. That is, if that's the real reason for the problem.

Another option you might consider is that since your husband might have had some nice times, maybe you reduce the odds of four people being at the top of their sexual form by finding a couple "single" guys for you to have some fun with while your husband watches or helps out. Getting three people on the same playing field is at least a little easier than making sure all four are having an equally fun experience. Not that you won't run into the same problem in that scenario, but it might improve your odds a little. And it might give you an ego boost too. It might be adviseable to find some swingers who can identify some single guys they've had very good experiences with which could also improve your odds. (In fact, there's one long forum response on this site (which I'll find for you if so interested) where the husband had a really fun time taking pictures and videos of a guy who really satisfied his wife. Don't know if that single guy is in your regional area, but at least he's a fairly proven specimen.)

Don't forget, those men who couldn't satisfy you most likely feel as badly about the situation as you since they didn't really enjoy themselves either. No guy I know of wouldn't like to take a twenty-something lady like you for a nice LONG ride throughout the night. (Checked your public profile for some information and from it I wouldn't mind a shot myself. (In other words, from your stats, you sound like a nice physical being to have some fun with.) Though I have a feeling your "eyes" are green and not your "hair". Just a little typo there, I suspect.) In fact, if only for their ego, they most surely would have like to stay as hard as a steel rod for at least a couple hours to make sure they tried every position with you.

Also remember that, just like winning the lottery, the more you attempt it, the higher the probability of success. (OK, forget the lottery since you can easiily go broke, but as long as you don't have to keep shelling out for the whole motel room cost, you probably won't go broke from swinging.) And even though you didn't get the home run you were hoping for, didn't you at least get a little thrill over showing your body off and having them gawk at it? And how about whatever attention they were able to provide to you? Maybe you at least got to second base. Even the great Babe Ruth didn't bat 1000. (Oh, these damn sports metaphors we men use.)

Hope some of this was helpful to a degree. Keep us informed on how things go.

Rob

[Just Passing By]

Even in vanilla situations, I always had priority for how often my female partner got off. I would bring her around at least once before even contemplating moving to 'main event' . FWIW, if I had been signifigantly enjoying some Old No 7 beforehand , it would make me into the energiser bunny, and keep going, and going, and going, etc.
The other thing is that instead of splitting off to two pairs, we we would generally keep more of a foursome, with everybdy playing together.