Broken Hearted - Bad Experience with Single Female

[Daddy'sGirl]

Help Us please.This is a long story and I apologize in advance.My husband and I share our fantasies.My fantasy has always been to be with another woman.Lately I have fantasized about seeing my husband have sex with another woman.It is only fantasy and only because I saw how much it turned him on.We NEVER discussed doing it real life.My husband btw is in the military and right now stationed on the West Coast we only see eachother 2 times a year..we have phine sex all the time and most often the fantasy is about a 3some.To make a long story short.I went to see him last week.We went out drinking.A lady started talking to me I was quite drunk.She kissed me..and I kissed her back.She lifted her shirt and I touched her breast.My husband was like whats going on here??I felt really embarased and told him I only wanted to be with Him.Well I am submissive to Him the rest of the night he told me to sit at his side and I didnt move.When it was time to go we left.I never spoke to the lady again.As we walked out I saw her parked in a car.My husband said she was giving us a ride.I said no please ;ets just walk.I was afraid to go further .he said just get in.We went home.I fell onto the bed.he told me take of my clothes he was going to give me what I wanted.I did as he said but I passed out.I woke up and could hear them having sex.I felt sick.Not aroused.I totally didnt expect that.I walked out in a sheet and I saw them.I ran to the back room and I felt sick.The lady got up I guess and tried to get back to the room.She was yelling she wanted to Dominate me.My husband said no.She was yelling I could hear her yelling and finally she said she would call rape.My husband told me call 911 and he pushed her out of the apartment.The police came.But no charges were filed as I was an eye witness.The problem is I am so heart broken from what I saw.My Husband says I started it by kissing her.That we are both at fault.But I cant get the visioin out of my head.I feel sick each time I think about it.I wonder does he compare her to me? He didnt use a condom...He said he didnt cum in her.I feel devestated but I agree it is partially my fault.Was he giving me what i wanted???If so how come he was f*cking her while I was passed out? Am I being overly sensitive?Will this feeling go away?Anyone anyone who can help me process this I beg you please please help me.My stomach feels sick just thinking about it.I love my husband.I know he loves me.We were all very drunk.How can i get this vision out of my head?Pleas help me.

[WesternSwing]

Wow. This is a threesome gone very, very wrong. Although you both had fantasized about it many times, it doesn't sound like you ever really talked about the what-if it happened, and what you would want to happen, and about what your comfortable with, therefore laying down some ground rules on what is okay and what isn't.

This is an extreme case of mis-communication, or more likely no communication. You now need to back-up and talk with your husband about what happened, what you thought would happen if the opportunity ever presented itself, and how you two got so far off track.

The condom, the cumming in her or not; those are secondary issues. Stuff that would have been covered in the conversations about how it would go down if it ever did. The real issue here straightening-out stuff like how you got to that point so it never happens again. It sounds like your husband rose to the occasion when the chips were down.

Sometimes the fantasy is better then the reality. The reality is harder to accept, which is one reason there aren't more swingers. It sounds like you knew this may be the case going into it that evening, but from your story your husband was pushing the matter a bit too much. From you side of it I'd say he needed to respect your wishes a bit more. He needed to listen to you, not just hear you.

From here, talk. Talk and then talk some more. You'll work through it. It sounds like you have a good relationship from this brief post. A big part is to not blame each other, it was both your faults for not communicating better. So accept that, talk about where to go from here, and most importantly, forgive wholey and unconditionally, and move-on.

Good luck.

Mr. WS

[KittKatt]

this is the Mrs
hi there, i don't know if anything i say can help, but i will certainly share with you some of what we have done.
first off, i don't think it sounds like all this was discussed very much, rules, wants, expectations, etc....
i wouldn't blame yourself or your spouse for that, yall had a heat of the moment and jumped in,
or did you feel completely submissive to all this ?
if by chance he was demanding, unless thst's something you enjoy, darlin i don't know what to say to that except you don't need to be swinging with a demanding controlling partner....EVER

we too have gotten too drunk and one of us ends up passing out, not good, in the beginning it was very hard for the spouse who passed out to get the visions or thoughts out of our mind. now we have a comfort level of it being ok to do so, with prior discussion of the event.

about trying to get the image out of your head.......well we got passed it with good experiances out weighing the bad, neither of us had any previous experiance swinging , and nor did we know what to expect as far as our emotions . as time goes by our rules tend to change a bit, but it's all COMUNICATION

the people on this site are wonderful folks with great advice
i don't think he wanted the other woman anitially, untill he thought it was something you wanted, and he tried to give that to you, a bit rough in my op
but too something yall have to talk about

talk talk talk and talk some more........
good luck sweety, hope you feel better soon

xoxoxoxo C

[ItTakes3]

Nothing but time and communication will fix it. Be patient and don't make yourself any more miserable.

Your story points out exactly what I have told others who wanted to experience recreational sex for the first time as a couple. It's critical to make all decisions together, when you are sober, and stay sober when you play. If you won't do it sober, you have no business doing it.

[Vantabulous]

WS has given you wonderful advice. Please, heed it.

Military service is an intense experience. You never get "past" it; you simply learn to live with it. For some, it identifies them for the remainder of their lives. The rest of us accept it as a chapter in our lives...

Your husband is in the "active" stage. He's surrounded by guys with "hormones" which are, all but completely, out of control when he's on duty. (You've got to have this or the government would never be able to get young men, and women, to do the work of "war". We "older" fellows would likely say, "Let's crack a beer and talk about this for a while..." )

When he comes home to you, the intensity is still there. The "brain" is not completely engaged...something else is talking to him, if you see my meaning. Kind of a "live for the moment" sort of attitude.

(He will, hopefully, grow out of this stage when he rejoins the rest of us. He will regret his behavior and become "normal", whatever that may be.)

This isn't about "swinging"...yet. It merely sounds like it...sort of.

Talk to him. Share your feelings. Frankly, get him thinking about you rather than about anything else. Once his priority is his wife, I'm thinking everything else will fall into place.

Best of luck to you both...

Van

[Daddy'sGirl]

Thank You All for the time you have taken to respond.When we went out that night the thought of being with someone else wasnt in either of our minds.Alchohol played a major point in the actions that followed...the lack of communication..and the impulsive choice my husband made to have sex with that woman.We both understand we made a mistake together and that we will work through it.Somehow th efact that he had sex with another woman while his wife was past out in the bedroom is not the issue for Him.Its the fact that she flipped out..got physical in her attempts to get to me and then had to be put out of the apartment.the rest of it he doesnt even seem concerned about.For me I am in an amazing conflict.1.I feel shocked and numb to have witnessed my husband having sex with someone else.My insecurities are rising 100% to the surface and yet ..2.somehow I feel cheated out of MY experience after all this was supposed to be MY fantasy and yet I played absolutely no part in it.I really appreciation the kindness and tact you all have shown in responding to my post.I do feel relieved to know that this image burned in my head will fade in time.Thank You all so much again and again.

[intuition897]

Hi DaddysGirl, welcome to the board.

It sounds like you both had a major miscommunication. (Duh, intuition897!) I'm getting the impression that you guys are maybe into domination stuff? A little bit? A lot? Well, I think even if you are, the fact remains that sex was used as a weapon in this case. Was he acting maliciously when he told you to to 'just get in the car', 'take off your clothes', and get ready because he was 'giving you what you wanted'. Was he pissed off when he said this? Was he actually trying to degrade you in some way? Or was he actually interested in seeing your fantasy fulfilled? There are a lot of grey areas here that need to be cleared up.

He was absolutely in the wrong screwing this other woman while you were passed out And I think the fact that he shifts the focus away from that and onto the other woman's nasty behaviour is evidence to that. Ok, it's possible he doesn't realize just how scarring that was for you to witness. What seemed like innocent flirtation between you and she at the bar, apparently was more significant in your husband's mind. Fantasy is great, but boy! you just never know how the green monster will rear it's ugly head when it becomes reality. His inebriated state might have aggravated the jealousy he felt at seeing you becoming sexual with another person (regardless of gender), and might've aggravated his desire to retaliate by having sex with her.

*sigh* This is a classic example of why swinging/non-monogamy and heavy alcohol consumption just don't mix! If I were you DaddysGirl, the first thing you and he will need to do is determine that you're both actually sorry for what happened. Seems like it would be a no-brainer, but maybe you're angry at one another for denying the other something that you feel you have a right to?? Gotta get that part figured out first. Then decide whether you really are ready to get to work healing from this. Again, seems obvious, but perhaps you're not finished feeling totally hurt by it. Mourning, if you will. When you're ready, I'd get to the bottom of his motivation to do this, and you need to get to the bottom of your feelings as well. Then y'all need to sit down and share what you've learned. It's heartbreaking when things like this happen, but it was a mistake. Put your heads together and think of why it happened. This is not about pointing fingers and someone being more to blame than the other; it's about realizing what steps could have and should have been taken to prevent this from happening. Then you need to assimilate what you've learned into future practice, so that it doesn't happen again. It's a exercise in honest self-appraisal, and an exercise in self-accountability. Both of you made mistakes, you need to claim them as your own.

Boy I sure hope you guys get through this. It'll be rough for a while, but if you both really want to, you can work it out. It's like a broken bone: It hurts like hell, but set it straight (which, again, hurts like hell) and once it's knit, it'll be doubly strong and will never break in the same place again.

[Alura]

"Shouldadones" don't count, Daddy'sGirl. Nothing can be done to change the past. Don't dwell on it. You need to put it out of your mind. One mental exercise that might help: If you start to think of the painful events, replace the thought of something pleasant to think about. In my case, it would probably be kissing Mrs. Alura.

The more you talk with your husband about your feelings the more the memory will fade, as well. Communicate about everything, not just swinging. Try to tune your minds to each other on all things.

It sounds like y'all are well on your way!

Good luck!

Mr. Alura

[Daddy'sGirl]

Intuition..hello and thanks for your post
I never thought about it like that.Maybe he was jealous...
and yes our relationship is D/s has been from day 1 He is my Master and my Husband.....But he is very loving towards me generally...and doesnt tend to make me do anything I dont want to do..generally if I get drunk he is sober looking out for me..so when he told me to sit down by his side I thought the situation with the woman had been squelched and he wanted me to stay away from Her.I obeyed like I always do.So when we left the bar and he was putting me into her car it was like..huh?He says I started the ball rolling when I responded to her kiss and in view of my fantasies he apparently started setting something up with her.After they had sex she wanted to Dominate me...i heard her yelling and trying to push him out of the way he kept saying "No not like that" and "YOU wont come between me and my wife"...and then she said she would call rape ..etc..I was talking to the police before I even got to process the fact that I had seen my husband inside some other woman I think you are all right I have to get that thought out of my mind...replace it with something else.....I dont know why he chose to f*ck that lady she is not his type physiaclly at all she was much older than us and very skinny..not his type..I think it was the alchohol or she was pushing it..I dont really know he just says he thought I would like it..but how could I when i was out cold..the more I think about it..the sadder I get.

[destin-ez]

Hiya Daddy'sGirl......

(Sorry, that name makes me shudder)

I/We don't have enough experience to give any advice here, only thoughts I guess...This all seems too weird. You are married right? This is your life's partner, right? So, okay, you're a sub. How does that allow him to "socialize" with someone while he's on the west coast any you're in Boston while he's arranging to have himself and this "woman" seduce you? I don't get it. You were set up by your hubby.

Here are a few thoughts...(okay, this is advice, you caught me)

Go to the introductions forum and let us know more about yourselves
Talk, talk and more talk
Get rid of the alcohol
Set rules you can both live with (yes, they will change as you progress)
Talk, talk and more talk
Have fun?

The Destin-ez's

[EvilMJ]

head the advice given.

Just because you are in a dom/sub relationship it does not mean he owns or controls you. As the sub you have the power to stop things at anytime if you are uncomfortable. Keep that in mind the next time someone starts trying to push you into situations that you are not comfortable with, there is a safety word there for a reason.

I hope you guys can learn from this situation so that it does not occur again.

[graygo98]

Boy, you folks sure are easy on her husband. I don't think that this episode had much to do with swinging or BDSM or anything more than a man who demonstrated a total lack of respect for the woman he supposedly loves and only sees twice a year. What should have been a rare and special time together turned into pursuit of a target of opportunity.

Seems like he has a lot of issues to work through, and so do you. Is counselling at all possible?

[Daddy'sGirl]

the D/s component of our relationship does not play a part in this as much of some of you seem to think.I am submissive to my husband yes.But He loves me and wants to please me as well.As I continue to reflect on this horrible mistake..I can accept what was stated in the first few posts..this is a prime example of what can happen when people dont clearly communicate we did not preplan this we never ever discussed doing this for real...(when we went out there was no intention what so ever to pick up some random stranger and bring her home)..add alcohol to the mix and my flirting with this woman(whom niether of us know ,even to this day .we dont know her name I am ashamed to say) and as My Husband says I got the ball rolling...and I accept responsibility for that.I continue though to have difficulty understanding why he would sleep with the woman with me passed out if he in fact was trying to fulfill my fantasy....some of the suggestions made here seem plausible...but when I put it in the context of the entire course of events it doesnt make sense how my responding to another womans kiss created a scenario which ends up with my husband inside of her.Everyday I wake up and hope this will make sense and I can move on....but I still cant accept what happened...in time I pray I will.. I am curious what He must be thinking..he is out to sea and we cant talk right now..what is going on in his head..I wonder if having another woman whet his appetite for more...can I trust Him now..technically he did not cheat on me and as I said that woman is not his physical type at all..but does he fantasize about her?Compare us...?He says he never wants to do this agian..not even fantasize about it..to put it out of my head..but again his focus is on the woman accusing him of raping her and the resulting police involvement...the fact that he had sex with another woman doesnt seem to phase him at all....God everytime I think or write it..I feel like I will faint....Please I would love to hear from any men who may read this what do you think maybe going on his head....

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by Daddy'sGirl

I am curious what He must be thinking..he is out to sea and we cant talk right now..what is going on in his head..I wonder if having another woman whet his appetite for more...can I trust Him now..technically he did not cheat on me and as I said that woman is not his physical type at all..but does he fantasize about her?Compare us...?He says he never wants to do this agian..not even fantasize about it..to put it out of my head..

These are all questions and fears that even the best-prepared swinger has the first time he or she faces the reality of his or her partner having sex with someone else. Will my heart be safe? Will he forget about me? Will I ever be enough for him again? Remember, the agony of these things rattling around in your head is amplified because you and he didn't discuss anything! NONE of these questions were ever addressed or answered before-hand. After it was said and done, neither of you were prepared for the emotional aftermath. All you wanted to do was bury it, make it go away...and not talk about it anymore. Unfortunately, the only way to get rid of it is to do just that: talk about it. Even if we know someone loves us, we still need to hear it. We need to hear their heart in their voice. We need to see that they are willing to make themselves vulnerable to us.

Originally Posted by Daddy'sGirl

but again his focus is on the woman accusing him of raping her and the resulting police involvement...the fact that he had sex with another woman doesnt seem to phase him at all....God everytime I think or write it..I feel like I will faint....Please I would love to hear from any men who may read this what do you think maybe going on his head....

My initial post suggested that perhaps he had sex with her as an act of retaliation for the jealousy that you caused him to feel by flirting and kissing the other woman. I know I'm all over the place with this, but we don't know and can't fully appreciate all the circumstances, so we're just going on what you've told us. It would be helpful if your H could add his side of things to this thread sometime in the future. Now with that in mind, it's hard to say just what happened between him and her. Alcohol really screws up our judgment (obviously) and causes us to do and say things that we wouldn't normally. It sounds like she's a bit of a bitch, though. From what you wrote in your 2nd post, she wanted to Dominate you in such a way as to cuckold you (if that applies to the female sex). As in, "I'm gonna screw your man's brains out, make him want me more than you, and I'm gonna make you watch!" Your H said, "No, not like that." to her. This, to me, has B-I-T-C-H written all over it. Well, I'd say her sorry attitude reeks of low self-esteem and a massive ego, so go ahead and feel sorry for her. I'd still be a little pissed off at her arrogance, though. Of course, it doesn't explain or excuse why your H was receptive to her (aggressive) advances.

The other explanation for his ignoring the penis-in-the-wrong-pussy issue might be that for him, it truly was not cheating. You knew that it was a sexually charged situation. No boundaries were set whatsoever, and given the fantasy realm everyone was in at the time, it did not seem inappropriate for him to indulge a fantasy of his, as you were open to indulging yours (Exhibit A: the kissing and flirting scene at the bar). Maybe he really had no idea that sex with her was off-limits. I know it must be difficult to deal with, especially with him away; the miles make him seem even more emotionally unavailable. I would suggest that, as soon as humanly possible, you tell him that you and he need to have a very serious discussion about what happened that night. And no, you don't want to drop it because you can't. There are unresolved issues that MUST be discussed. Do not let this go until you are both satisfied that all the relevent issues have been on the table and resolved.

[ItTakes3]

You asked to hear what other men might think is going on in his head. Well, I can't speak for him, or any other men, but I can speak for me and how it would affect me.

First, men are far less inclined to equate sex with love and that's my case. I've had fantastic sex partners, but had absolutely no interest in them beyond that. When I have sex with my wife, we are making love, but when I'm with another woman, it's merely recreation. Because it's so easy for me to maintain that distinction, I would find it very difficult to comprehend why my wife would think differently. When my wife is having sex with another man, I know she's doing it for physical pleasure and it never enters my mind that I'm competing with him. If he's providing sexual satisfaction that I can't give her, that's great! She has often said she can't imagine how she could be so lucky to be married to someone who loves her, yet lets her scratch an erotic itch when needed.

If my selfish fears are used as a barrier to my wife's pleasure, and if I believe that's the only way I can keep her, I deserve to lose her. There are men I wouldn't want her to be with and we always approve the other's playmates before doing anything, but ultimately, her decision to stay with me will not depend on my permission or objection to her sexual desires.

There are no innocent parties in your story and if I was in the same situation, I would tell my wife that it was a stupid decision on everyone's part and figure out a way to make sure it didn't happen again. I would really be ticked if it was held over my head as a club every time we had a disagreement. I would also be irritated by lots of tears and agonizing. Talk....don't whine. That would drive a wedge between us far faster than the quality, or perceived quality of any sexual experience.