Broken Hearted - Bad Experience with Single Female

[TeamSoBe]

Well no amount of thinking or conversing ever allowed me to 'let it go'. What did was watching my wife take some dick while locking her eyes with mine, and me getting laid with that guy's beautiful wife that same night.

Immediately after that I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me and it just didn't seem at all interesting to me to revisit the shitty experiences since there are so many positive experiences in our future. It all just became moot and irrelevant. We've had lots of rough experiences since then but I've learned to see all of them as a learning experience. As long as I trust that she loves me and our relationship is based on a lot more than just sex I'm able to overlook the little bumps in the road.

I've noticed, from talking to a few military wives, that experiences like yours seem to be getting more common with our armed forces. Fallout from extended rotations? I'll ask around to see if there are any places online where you can find other geographically separated military couples trying to explore racy sex lives. Swingers can identify with part of what you're going through, but my wife and I are together literally 24/7/365, we're five feet from each other at all times because we live and work together. You have special concerns.

[starlinn]

D Girl
Yes, I consider what your husband did cheating. Did you know when you went out and met this girl, that the end result was that he would fucking her? I am the type of person that thinks "Wow, how would I feel if my husband did that" Being somewhat experienced, if the plan was to have a MFF, and I passed out, if I woke up and found my husband fucking the perspective participant in our adventure, I would consider that he cheated on me, because it was without my knowledege.

[Sunswept]

Daddy'sGirl,
I am so glad you two talked about this, and very glad you husband has begun to "own" his part in the events that hurt you. This is as very good thing, the beginning of processing what happened. Mis-steps are greatest teachers!

You both are newbies to the swinging world, you will find much information in the begining swinging section on this forum, I urge you both to read everything on this site about swinging. As far as I can tell, swinging is a fantasy for you both, but not something you have really seriously talked about, as in setting boundarys and limits. What happened to you both with that woman was NOT swinging as I understand swinging.

And from what you wrote, seems you both are not yet comfortable seeing the other having sex with someone else. I think your instinct to go slow is a very good one. I think at this point it would be a disaster for you both to persue any more swinging encounters until you both get a better understanding about what swinging is, and I totally reject the idea that more encounters will improve anything or make you both ready to swing. The event you just went through was a trauma for both of you, and working out problems in a relationship by swinging not only does not work... it is not fair or respectful to your potential swinging partners.

Also, you are in another lifestyle, the D/s world. I have experience with that, and all I can say is it takes a lot more than a dominant personality to be a Dom. Most (all) good Doms have experience with submission.. training to be a Dom usually requires the potential Dom be first train as a submissive. Also, the BDSM world and the swinging world are a very volitile mix, and are a bit mutually exclusive since most swingers are not into BDSM. Bottom line here is that there were enough failures in this event within the D/s frame that you both will benefit working on that aspect first, before you attempt to get into swinging...IMHO.

I have a few comments:

Originally Posted by Daddy'sGirl

....
We went back over what had initiated the situation.I drunkenly(mistake 1a) responded to the kiss of a strange woman in a bar and after she lifted her blouse to show me her body I touched her breast(Mistake 1b)

I do not get this, because of what you say below:

1.My husband had told this woman in the bar that I was submisive to Him.
2.She stated quite clearly that she wanted to have sex with me(to my husband)

And this all happened without your input. A big no-no within the swinging frame! You had no choice in selecting the play partner. Not good. Now, from within the D/s frame, an experienced Dom would know better than to do this in this situation.. but I can see how it sort of makes sense for him to "arrange" this experience for you as your master... but this is a perfect example of why swinging...and D/s... can be a tricky and dangerous mix. Even within D/s, this all should have been all discussed BY YOU BOTH at some point before hand.

In short, no matter what his intention was for you...this was a setup. I do not see how on earth you can say you made mistakes 1a and 1b when your husband set you up to make this mistake. I am not saying he really realized what he was doing here, again the D/s thing clouds this...but it was THEIR OUTCOME for you to make this mistake! So who really made the mistake here?!!

3.My husband was aroused after watching me kiss this woman and thought I was letting Him know I wanted this.We never discussed anything(mistake number 2)

Daddy'sGirl, this does not square with how he or you acted.."(him- ) whats going on here?? (You- ) I felt really embarased and told him I only wanted to be with Him."
How confusing is that? This is deliberate miscommunication on his part! This amounts to him chastizing you for something he secretly wanted you to do, him having taken advantage of the pre-existing fantasy HE knew you had.
Your only mistake is that you fell for that.

I will stop here for now, in your description I see this same dynamic of him arrainging with that woman what would happen next, with you out of the picture, repeating over and over. Not good! And I just want to point out to you that you did not start this IMHO! There was no mistake 1a or 1b. Unless there is more to this you have not told us, he made a mistake by discussing you with that woman and then giving her permission to approach you without your knowledge.

The good news is that you both seem like you are willing to discover the lessons that this event had for you both, and you are willing to do what it takes to strengthen your relationship by taking an honest look at things, learning some new things..and making some radical communication changes for the better. If you want to play with others, you will have to get your communicications mixed-message free, open, honest... and hopefully more frequent!

Another thing... never again try to play with others while intoxicated. If you both need that to get over your inhibitions...you are not ready.

After reading so much advice on this board I am really desiring to have this experience with my Husband and doing it the right way.But I will wait and cool off a little bit because somewhere deep inside this may still be a desire to"even the score".
Thanks for everything and for putting up with me....
babygirl

"even the score"..again, swinging is not the place to work out your relationship issues, or your hurt at seeing him with another woman,. or not getting your fantasy. People that use sex as a weapon cannot swing. I am glad you realize this. And I am glad you want to explore this in the right way. But don't even consider actively swinging until you two have really thought this through, and your communications are not prone to the breakdowns you had in this encounter.

I invite you to consider this: You know how you can react if you see him fucking another woman. Do you have any idea of how he will react if he sees you fucking someone other that him?? Or more than one person having sex with you? You do not. He probably does not. You will have to go step by step when you guys are ready to get into this, and you will both have to be crystal clear when you do. Remember, you have not only the obligation to respect each other, you have the obligation to respect the people you will play with. You cannot have big dramas happening in the middle of playtime, its not fair to your playmates.

If you swing or not, hope this unfortunate event has actually opened new growth paths for both of you! GO SLOW!
Take care!

[Sunswept]

Originally Posted by Daddy'sGirl

.....How much we have kept to ourselves and kept from eachother.

You know, you both are trying to do something that 'nella people cannot even understand... that is not simple for people that are together 247!.. and you are wanting to swing to.. that makes things even less simple. Is there any way you two can spend more time together?

...i am one who always looks for the silver lining in everything. For me I choose to believe this experience will bring us closer and more intuned to eachother mentally and spiritually.

Thats the spirit! There really is a silver lining in everything! Just be careful not to let the search for that silver lining obscure the reality of the "lesson" .. or you may miss the best part of that silver lining! Does that make sense? There is no failure...there is only feedback.

[Daddy'sGirl]

Originally Posted by Sunswept

Is there any way you two can spend more time together?


.

His tour in Washington ends in May 2006..I live on the East coast so its not easy to just jet back and forth.The next time we see eachother will be in November...Thanks for your words SunSwept they have meant a lot to me.

[TeamSoBe]

Daddy'sGirl, this whole time I've been curious...

Was she hot?

[Daddy'sGirl]

Originally Posted by TeamSoBe

Daddy'sGirl, this whole time I've been curious...

Was she hot?

she was so not.

[TeamSoBe]

Originally Posted by Daddy'sGirl

she was so not.

Well then you can cross off all of the insecurities that you brought up in yourself about him wanting something better than you or enjoying her more than you. Natural to fear those things initially but cross that off of your list of concerns if she wasn't hot or anything.

It seems like a big part of why you were so hurt was because your husband didn't immediately empathize with your pain over where he stuck his willy. Fair point, but the more I have thought about your husband's point of view that night the more I realize why that might have happened.

Aside from having the girl in his first adventure go crazy on him and wound his ego, wouldn't your husband risk severe career repercussions if he were arrested and charged with rape? I suspect that's where his head was immediately after the fact. Give him some slack for at least an hour or two for the adrenaline to wear off from almost having his whole life destroyed. If there's any truth to that then you have another thing to cross off of your list of things to worry about. If he got over the shock of having his life almost destroyed and then put himself in your position within a reasonable amount of time then maybe he did his job as well as any human could under the circumstances. Don't want to defend him more than he deserves but almost getting arrested for rape really is a big deal.

[Daddy'sGirl]

Originally Posted by TeamSoBe

Don't want to defend him more than he deserves but almost getting arrested for rape really is a big deal.

omg very big deal.Even the accusation could have destroyed His career.If I hadnt been awake it would have been her word against His.He even had scratch marks on his face and neck from when she was trying to get past Him to get to me.All of which would have supported her accusation If I hadnt been an eye/ear witness to everything.2 squad cars appeared outside his place.4 police officers and a crying woman sitting outside His apartment.Yes I can understand that perhaps the last thing on his mind would have been the fact that he had just broken his wife's heart.My husbands apartment complex is literally 2 miles from the police Dept.So within 10 minutes of seeing my husband f*ck some woman.I was being interviewed by police and trying to digest that my husband had been accused of rape.Hows that for a "first experience (from) hell "story?

[tonythetiger]

hi daddys girl
well something like that kinda of happend here. i was tired and need to go to bed because i had to work the next day 3 hour latter to be exact. well she kept on playing. so i didnt sleep much. i got up to go to work and they were both pasted out in the floor where we were playing. well as i worked i couldnt help think about how she kept playing when i wanted to quit. the realized that she is probable doing him again without me there. but i thought naa its or rule not to play alone but she did it last nite shes gona do it again. i left work immeditly and came home only to find her comming out of the bathroom and him tucking in his shirt . well he left i as soon as he did i asked her straight out did you two play this morning. guess what they did and had just finished when i can in. that crushed me because i felt like i had been cheated on. she broke our rule. so how did i get over it well she always said she wanted to wake up and play again with the man. and i told her i was hurt and she said she was orry and it would never happen again.plus the fact it was my fault too for leaving them alone. but all in all chaulked it up as a bad deal and dont worry about it anymore. beside the fact we love each other very much and its not like they are trying to see each other or be with each otherand she not chasing after him. if you still want yo enjoy your fantacy then talk about the dos and donts before hand then live it up. good luck darling

[angeel]

Hi daddys girl. Seems to be there was many nightmare qualities here that you have running around in your head. You need to find some good here to help you work through it.I know that it is hard to do. But go back over this thread re-read what you have responded to other advice. Seem to me you are really understanding the event of the night a little better. I know it does not make it easier to swallow and accept. Go back to where theis "strange woman" was trying her best to get to you and dominate you. Your husband came to your defense and said in your words" not like that" Maybe rembering some "rescue words" from your husband that night will make you feel some comfort. Sounds like he knows he shit on you , but does not know how to tell you. some men just can not admit when they were wrong. If he had not pushed you away from the woman in the bar, and gave you more of a change to explore this kiss that transpired, maybe it would have lead to some talking. Then , instead of shoving you a car with her. He could have said," I have a surprise for you, Do you want to do this ?" Fantisies are just that , Fantisies. They usaully have no rules cause they are a product of your imagination. But reality has to have rules, communication, and the chance to say whether you are comfortable, or to just say yes or no. Maybe if you can find a small amount of solace in the fact he put her out the room and told her no about dominating you, and then tell your husband this. Maybe it will open up the conversation about the after math. Sounds like he had a little fantasy in the situation he has not shared with you. After communication, and ground rules. It is possible for a new experience to take place that you will both enjoy.

[Daddy'sGirl]

Thanks Angeel.We are working through this situation.We have talked about it until really there is nothing left to say.I know he feels terrible about what happened and we both wish we could go back and undo it,but we cant.At the request of my husband and the advice of people on the board, Ive let go of the idea of trying to introduce someone else into O/our lives right now.He has clearly let me know he isnt ready to do this again and isnt sure he will ever be.To me it feels his denying this experience from me when he has already had it is not fair.It makes me feel like pouting like a spoiled child but,I Respect my husband and value my marriage to much to continue to pursue this if he is really opposed to it.(Although I really dont understand what he is opposed to at this point)I also need to sort through my desires to discover my motives which honestly I am unsure of at this time.So for now I am just an observer and gatherer of information.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by EvilMJ

head the advice given.

Just because you are in a dom/sub relationship it does not mean he owns or controls you. As the sub you have the power to stop things at anytime if you are uncomfortable. Keep that in mind the next time someone starts trying to push you into situations that you are not comfortable with, there is a safety word there for a reason.

I hope you guys can learn from this situation so that it does not occur again.

ditto

Originally Posted by graygo98

Boy, you folks sure are easy on her husband. I don't think that this episode had much to do with swinging or BDSM or anything more than a man who demonstrated a total lack of respect for the woman he supposedly loves and only sees twice a year. What should have been a rare and special time together turned into pursuit of a target of opportunity.

Seems like he has a lot of issues to work through, and so do you. Is counselling at all possible?

ditto. I'm sure there would be many others I'd ditto as well, if I wanted to read through 4 pages of posts that most likely say the same thing over and over again to someone who seems to already have their mind set.

Originally Posted by Daddy's Girl

the D/s component of our relationship does not play a part in this as much of some of you seem to think.

Obviously it does, as it seems that you do exactly what he says without any ability or willingness to say no. He basically forced you into a situation that you had no desire to be in and took advantage of it. You did not "start" things by kissing her. Just because you kissed her in no way gives him the right to have sex with her without you being involved in the decision. He basically cheated on you and from the sounds of it walks all over you and you let him. Until you realize that, nothing will change. It sounds like you have a record of letting him do what he wants with your life then feeling bad about it later, if not blaming yourself for it happening - when it's not your fault - other than that you have allowed yourself to be a doormat to him. You have no reason to feel guilty. Only YOU can change your situation.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Obviously it does, as it seems that you do exactly what he says without any ability or willingness to say no. He basically forced you into a situation that you had no desire to be in and took advantage of it. You did not "start" things by kissing her. Just because you kissed her in no way gives him the right to have sex with her without you being involved in the decision. He basically cheated on you and from the sounds of it walks all over you and you let him. Until you realize that, nothing will change. It sounds like you have a record of letting him do what he wants with your life then feeling bad about it later, if not blaming yourself for it happening - when it's not your fault - other than that you have allowed yourself to be a doormat to him. You have no reason to feel guilty. Only YOU can change your situation.

I agree with Julie. Even though you made the mistake of kissing her, it was an honest mistake. It just happened. The moment presented itself, your husband was there, he knew about your fantasy, and you improvised. You didn't do it to hurt his feelings. You didn't purposely neglect him. And as soon as he showed his discomfort, you stopped, apologized, and reassured him that it was he who mattered most to you. Not some bimbo at a bar. End of story right?

I think I've posted on this thread or another on your situation but I'd like to mention something. While I respect that you choose to live as D/s, and I feel that it can be a healthy expression of love, Julie brings up an interesting point. Being submissive is one thing, as it is choosing to relinquish power to someone you love and trust, who understands the gravity of the gift they've been given. But being a doormat is entirely another. The fact that two people come together, one naturally dominant and the other naturally submissive, does not give either one the right to assume that role. You've said you've been D/s since day one. There was no discussion at all about it. He said, you did. Period. I'm just hoping that you realize that you can take back that power at any time you like. It might even be a good idea to do it for a time so that he knows that your submission is done by choice, not because of weakness of character or a need for guidance. I have almost zero experience in this area, but it would seem to me, given that D/s is not unhealthy in its purest form, that being a submissive doesn't mean you don't still need to be responsible to yourself as a person. Demanding respect for yourself doesn't mean you'd be any less willing to submit to his desires, it just ensures that he understands fully what you've given him as a gift. He has no right to dominate you, only the privilege.

Sorry if any of this came across harshly DG, I don't mean to be. It's just MO. And as I said, with what little I do know about this area, best to take it with a grain of salt.

[TeamSoBe]

I'll agree with the general consensus that Daddy'sGirl and her Daddy probably shouldn't go out and find themselves another threesome this week or anything, but I still disagree with a big part of the advice that everybody is giving here. People are advising Daddy'sGirl to suppress her desire to even the score, while at the same time advising her not to be a doormat to a dominant man. Contradiction.

The reason why they shouldn't be swinging right now is limited only to the fact that they don't agree on what their goals and boundaries are. Daddy'sGirl wanting some fun of her own as 'revenge' is not the terrible thing as a lot of people here make it out to be. If he got to go to Disney Land and she was jealous that she didn't, then nobody would fault her for communicating to her husband that she wants a trip to Disney Land too. How are they supposed to communicate and grow if she's not allowed to discuss the one thing that's bothering her the most? When I was in her situation the biggest thing that got me past it was finally admitting to my woman that I felt ripped off and that I wanted some fun too. We made that happen and I felt much better. In our case we did have a mutual agreement on goals and boundaries to begin with so we were slightly further along, but not much.

Daddy'sGirl, you ever go to a strip club with your man? The women at a strip club are under your complete control so there's no need to be jealous. Your man can dominate you by picking girls to lap dance you. You can tell him in advance that you want all of the dances and he can just watch since it's your turn, then he can feel free to dominate you under those rules. The other men in the club are under the control of the bouncers and your husband doesn't need to be jealous of them. It's a safe way for you to get some girl sex action and not feel totally left out of the fun adventures.